Chapter 8 – You don't know what you've got
Was he in love with her?
That was the question that had been spinning in Hector's mind the last few days. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't think of an answer.
Maybe he wouldn't recognize the feeling; he had never been in love before, after all. Actually, he had always looked upon the concept of love with a little bit of scepticism. Love was for warriors and servants, not royalties. Love seemed like such an uncontrolled, unbound and slightly dangerous emotion. It was not for someone in his position.
He knew well that a prince had to marry for the best of his country, to someone suitable; to another royalty who knew what it meant to live a life of duty. He had always known this and he had never opposed to it. He had been certain that he would learn to get along with the woman his father would choose for him. If they started to care for each other, it was a good thing, but it was not what it was about.
But with Lena it was different, he thought. What he felt for her had nothing to do with duty or his responsibility. She filled his body, his mind and his senses with her presence. When she wasn't there, he kept thinking about her. When they were together, he always ached to touch her, hold her, kiss her, take her to bed...
She was warmth, she was joy, she was beauty. Her smile lit up his world and the sparkle in her eyes enchanted him. After a long and hard day, he would place his head in her lap and enjoy the feeling of her soft hands stroking his hair; they would sit together on the porch, sharing a cup of wine as they watched the sun settle down over the city. They would rest together in his bed, holding on tightly to each other.
Was this love?
All he knew for sure was that they had become close; closer than he had been to any woman before her. And the strange thing was that he didn't dislike it. He didn't care if he displayed weakness by showing her his affection. He didn't care if he was depending on her. Maybe it was that inexplicable thing about her that seemed so distinctly familiar to him that enabled him to relax in her presence. She gave him peace.
But even if he felt like he had known her forever, the truth was that he didn't know much about her. And what did she know about him? There had only been a few weeks since they met for the first time. How could he possibly decide how strong his feelings for her had grown?
He shook his head. Why had he not met her two or three years ago when he was still relatively free and unbound? It was quite ironic that he would be forced to consider his affections for Lena now, when they were bound to be torn apart.
He sighed. "I wish you would say something."
She turned away from the window where she had been standing, looking out. "Well, what do you want me to say?" she asked him quietly.
He shrugged miserably. "I don't know. I guess I want you to tell me about what a coward and treacherous scoundrel I really am."
A smile started playing on her lips. "Then I would lie."
"No you wouldn't," he said, lowering his head.
"Hector..." She went to the bed where he was sitting and gently took his hand. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You have done nothing for which you should be ashamed."
"I didn't dare to stand up for you. I am letting my father tear you away from me."
She crouched down before him and placed her hand against his unshaved cheek. "I knew this day would come. I have known since we first met that it would be like this. You have not concealed anything from me. I knew that you were supposed to marry her. I had not expected anything else."
Hector looked up at her. "But you and me... "
She managed to smile and shook her head. "I am not completely ignorant about the ways of the world. I know I have nothing to offer you." She shrugged. "I have no title, no gold, no connections. Of course I understand that you have to marry an equal. You need a woman with the right blood in her veins."
"Your blood would do well for me, Lena," Hector protested. "If I only could..."
"But you can't." Her voice was mild.
He shook his head, desperately looking for a way out. "Don't say that. If I talked to my father... If I let you stay somewhere in the city..."
She smiled again and shook her head. Sometimes she seemed so much older than she really was, Hector casually reflected. She was young and still, she seemed so mature at the same time.
"Would you parade with your mistress right in front of your wife?" She gently asked him. "Or would you sneak away to visit me in the middle of the night? No, I don't think you would like that arrangement. You are not that kind of man. You have too much honour." Her voice was soft and quiet when she added: "I didn't want a place as your concubine, Hector. I just wanted you."
He closed his eyes slowly. He still didn't want to part from her, but he knew that there was nothing else to be done. Her strength inspired him and he managed to ask her: "What are you going to do?"
"Go home, I suppose," she answered
"To that village you came from?" She nodded slowly. Their eyes met and Hector knew that they were both thinking the same thing. They would never see each other again. "Is there something for you to return to?" he asked her quietly
She nodded. "I think so. There are people there who would receive me."
"Your family?"
"No. Friends."
She said nothing more and he didn't ask. She sounded sure of herself and he didn't want to question her. He accepted what was unavoidable and said: "I'll arrange an escort for you. Someone from the apollonian guard could take you..."
She dismissed the idea. "There is no need to trouble yourself. I can take care of myself."
He didn't like the thought of her going alone and tried to persuade her. "It could be dangerous out there."
She tossed her head. "I have told you before: I will not accept charity."
"Charity?" Hector repeated in disbelief. Her words almost made him angry. "How can you speak of charity after all this time? Are we counting favours between ourselves?"
"Hector," Lena said gently but firmly. "I don't need an escort." Her pride radiated from her eyes and made her shine. There was no room for argument in her voice. He realized that he had to respect her wishes.
He sighed. "Is there anything else then? Let me at least give you something." He knew that she might be in need of money, but he didn't want to suggest it. He knew that she wouldn't take it well.
Lena waited a long time before she answered. "Yes, actually, there is something I want," she finally said in a low, soft voice. "Something that only you could give me."
"And what is that?" he asked.
She slowly raised her eyes to him. "A child, I think..." She held his hand a little tighter. "Your child." She clarified.
For a moment, all he could do was stare at her. He swallowed. His throat felt constricted. "Wouldn't that make things very difficult for you?"
"Probably," she admitted.
Hector shook his head. "Lena... You are asking me to let you go without any hope of seeing you again..."
"And I would not see you either," she nodded. "The child would be my comfort."
"Well, what about my comfort?" he asked her sharply. "Am I supposed to bid you farewell and never learn what will become of you and the child, never know even if I have a son or a daughter?" He shook his head in disbelief. "How can you demand this from me, Lena?"
"Because I feel like my soul is being torn away from me." She closed her eyelids tightly and continued, whispering. "I don't want to loose it."
He looked at her bowed head. His heart was full of compassion and sadness, but he couldn't agree to it. "It's still too much to ask," he insisted weakly. "I am only a man, not a god."
When she raised her head again, her eyes were moist. "I am not a god either. That's why I need something, someone to help me get through this." She raised her arms and placed them around his neck. "Please, Hector... I beg you. Give me something to remember you by. When I look upon my child, I want to see your features, your smile." Her hand followed the lines of his face. "Please, don't deny me this. Give me a part of you at least."
For once, she seemed to have forgotten her sturdiness: her pleadings were sincere and even though she tried to hide it, there was fear in her eyes.
Hector felt a lump in his throat. Slowly, he let his arms slip down to her waist and pulled her close. "It would be... my honour."
As he brought them both back, down to the bed, he could feel her exhale and her body relax. "Thank you," she whispered, her mouth against his. "Thank you."
It was almost dark when they finally reached the gates of Troy. They had been riding in silence for most of the way. Hector glanced at Lena. Her face was calm and composed and if she felt any angst, she concealed it very well.
Food and other supplies had been packed down in the saddle bags on her horse. She didn't have many other possessions to take with her since she had arrived to the castle with only the clothes she wore. She was dressed in a warm cloak with a hood that covered her hair. She reminded him of what she had looked like that day when they met outside the palace.
He sighed. The night before, he had made a final attempt to make her stay. He had almost begged her, but she had refused. He had even considered holding on to her whether she wanted it or not. He was the prince and he could do what he wished. But his sense had got the better of him. He didn't want her like that.
They stopped their horses outside the gate. The moon had appeared beyond the cliffs by the beach and its silver rays sparkled from the sky. The streets had been calm and emptied and everything seemed peaceful outside the city as well. The guards by the gate had noticed them, but they didn't seem to care very much who entered or exited the city or not. Since they recognized Hector, they had only nodded and let them ride on.
"Are you sure you don't want me to accompany you?" Hector asked Lena. "At least for a part of the journey? You never know what you will come across."
She smiled and shook her head. "I've told you not to worry. I have my dagger." She patted the sheath by her belt. "Besides, this seems like a quiet night."
He knew that she was probably right, but he was still unwilling to part so soon. He had done everything he could to postpone the inevitable farewell and now he was doing everything possible to prolong it. He just didn't want to let her go away.
"Do you have everything you need?" he asked her politely.
She nodded. "Yes. Yes I have."
They were silent for a while, looking into each other's eyes. "Well," Lena finally said. "Then I guess all that remains is saying goodbye."
"I don't want to, Lena," Hector said sincerely.
"The world is not always the way we want it," she answered.
"If you.." he hesitated. "If you would ever need my help. For yourself or for the child..."
"I won't," she said immediately.
"Maybe it doesn't seem very likely, but if something should happen, then promise me that you will come to me. Please, tell me that you will."
She smiled bleakly. "I will. But I won't have to. Artemis will protect me, Hector. I am sure of it."
He appraised her doubtfully. She was a small woman and narrow over the hips. It didn't take much effort to figure out that childbirth would go hard on her. But on the other hand, she seemed so very strong and alive. Maybe it really was the goddess that provided her with her strength.
"The child," he started carefully. "Will you tell..."
"Of course," she answered. "I will tell him everything about his father."
"Him?" Hector said, slightly amused.
She looked embarrassed and shrugged. "Just a feeling. Don't worry, I will take care of our child, Hector."
"I know you will," he answered. But who will take care of me?
It seemed like she had been reading his thoughts when she suddenly brought out a small, sparkling object from the pocket of her cloak. "I got this ring from my mother before she died," she said seriously. "She said it would keep me safe." The ring was made of gold with one single sapphire. Gently, Lena pressed it into his hand. "I want you to take it."
"I can't do that. If it comes from your mother..."
"I want you to have it," she repeated. "It would make me feel safer. Then I wouldn't have to fear for your sake."
The ring only fitted the smallest of Hector's fingers. He slowly let it slip on. The blue sapphire glittered in the moonlight. It was beautiful. "Thank you," he said quietly.
Once again, they were silent, watching each other. Then Lena gently pushed her horse forward, bringing the animal side by side with Hector's. With a certain effort, they were able to embrace each other. She hid her face against the soft velvet material on his tunic. He encircled her waist tightly with his arms. He could feel her shivering slightly.
"Take care of yourself," he whispered throatily. "I'll never forget you, Lena. Not as long as I live."
She didn't answer at first, she just held on to him. Slowly, she raised her head and their lips brushed lightly against each other for the last time. Lena's hands found his chin and when she raised her head again, her blue eyes were steady.
"Be happy, Hector," she whispered. "I know you are a prince, but remember to be happy as well. Let your wife make you happy."
My wife? No, no, no, he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't find his voice. He just nodded slightly. Lena smiled and pulled her hood up. "Goodbye," she said in a low voice.
He could feel her cloak brushing against his arm, when she drove her horse forward. She left quickly, at a gallop. It was as if she was in a hurry to get to something fast. Or getting away from something more like.
Hector watched her as she rode off. He was quiet and controlled; even though he felt something inside telling him that he had just lost something very precious. Still, he didn't obey the impulse in his heart to call for her, stop her and tell her those words he wanted to tell her. Those three very special words.
What difference would it make? He asked himself. That wouldn't change anything now. It was too late.
He watched her until her horse had disappeared beyond the horizon. Then he pulled a deep breath and turned his horse around. In a slow speed, he rode back into the city again, towards the castle, where his father and the boundless amount of duties awaited him.
You don't think this is the end do you? No, no, no.