His brow furrowed, though whether in anger or confusion she wasn't sure. Swallowing nervously, she took a deep breath, ready to continue with her speech. Suddenly though, in the cold light of day and the unexpected setting of the limousine, she felt the words trickling away. As she paused, he moved to look out of the window, settling back in the seat, bringing his arm down to rest on the ledge. There was a kind of smile on his lips now, and she couldn't decide if it was one of pleasure or of scorn. Still he wouldn't look at her, pretending not to have heard her words. Moving closer, sliding a little along the seat, she reached for his hand.
Delicately, her fingers found his, cool against warmth. At first he didn't respond, simply letting her turn his palm over in his lap, watching her trace the line of the back of his hand with her finger. She was reaching out for him, unable to speak her thoughts yet. It was a sign he well knew...there was more to come. Much more. The image of her fingers resting lightly in his upturned palm was almost too much. It fascinated him, troubled him. How could something so tender and cool, burn him so agonizingly?
In an instant his fingers had closed around hers, interlacing tightly, taking some semblance of control. He looked back to the window, the sun glaring through the glass, trying to calm himself, to subdue the overwhelming need to grab her and shake her. To ask her why.
Clarisse simply sat and waited, patient and cautious in equal measure. His fingers were pressing tightly into the back of her hand, his grip a little too firm. But she wouldn't draw her hand away.
When he finally spoke his voice was rough and desperately monotone,
"Apologise for what?"
She closed her eyes for a second, attempting to formulate at least one coherent thought. Still he stared out of the window, his hand holding hers.
Gently tugging his hand, she pulled him away from the window, urging him to face her. In an instant he was looking into her eyes, and her breath caught. Bringing her hand up to his cheek she brushed away the solitary tear that was working its way towards his chin. All the time holding his gaze, she attempted a smile. Still he watched her.
"For everything, my darling...for everything"
He swallowed, his eyes narrowing a little, now trying to escape her gaze. Still she held his face, though, caressing his cheek gently with her palm.
"It's not that simple anymore, Clarisse...it's too late..."
Wrapping her hand round the back of his neck, she closed her eyes and carefully brought her forehead to rest on his own. He didn't pull back.
In spite of his better judgment, he brought his arm to rest around her shoulders, his fingers running over the smooth fabric of her jacket.
She sighed, feeling his warm breath caressing her cheek.
"It's not too late, Joseph...I promise"
His breath was shaky as he replied, holding on to her almost desperately as he convinced himself of the truth,
"It is. We've gone too far this time. I can't..."
She pulled him closer, falling into him a little as the car took a corner,
"Please let me explain. At least that..."
He didn't reply, and she continued blindly, hurriedly, still stroking his fingers, unable to let go of him yet,
"First of all, my love, there is something that I have never actually said to you, at least not properly" she paused, unsure as to her words, in the end just deciding to say it, "I do want to marry you...I mean...there is nothing that I would want more than to marry you. If it were left to me I would drag you straight up that aisle and do it today."
He pulled back a little, confusion clouding his already teary eyes, his words simple,
"Then why did you say no?"
She sighed, not entirely convinced by the reasoning herself,
"Mainly because I can't say yes, not now...but also because I wasn't expecting you to ask." She smiled, tapping his nose affectionately, "You have to give a girl some notice for such things, you know?"
His face was still serious, and she met his gaze again, understanding the hurt that still remained, instantly regretting her flippancy,
"I know what you heard that day...Charlotte worked it out. About finally getting on with things...I was referring to Pierre, you know."
He nodded, relaxing a little as she slid closer, resting her head carefully on his shoulder.
"And as for me asking you to resign..."
"Sacking me, you mean"
She smiled at his directness, and quickly pressed a kiss to his neck without thinking. He started a little, and instinctively slipped his arm back round her.
"Again, my dear, you shouldn't hang around open doors...I was referring to Lionel. And...well, what I thought most after I heard about that night was how much I must have hurt you...I just didn't understand, I..."
Pulling back slowly, Joe pushed her away from him, his hands on her shoulders. As he scrutinised her face he realised that she was telling the truth. Gradually, the pieces all slipped into place, his foolishness, her misunderstanding...
"OK"
She raised an eyebrow, looking down nervously to her lap,
"Just OK?"
He nodded as she looked back up at him, and pulled her back into a gentle hug, his chin coming to rest on her head.
"Yes, OK…I accept your apology"
For a long moment they sat there, comforted by the embrace that they had both been craving, and yet neither really understanding what this meant. It was Clarisse who finally spoke, her voice nothing more than a whisper,
"So will you stay?"
She felt him take a deep breath, pulling her a little closer as he did so,
"I don't think so..."
She swallowed and, for the first time that day at least, felt the tears rising.
"Please stay"
He bit his lip, praying that he might remain strong though this, to say what needed to be said,
"I don't think it would be a good idea."
His grip on her tightened as he felt her tremble slightly,
"I...I need you"
He began to stroke her back carefully, soothing her just as he hurt her,
"We need space, Clarisse...all this secrecy, all this pain...it's not helping either of us. I...I can't stand to hurt you like this."
He felt her nod, almost imperceptibly against his chest, and his eyes began to fill with tears.
"I won't be gone forever, but I...we need to wait until we have the space that we need"
She pulled back a little, and looked up at him, understanding,
"You're far too intelligent, you know..."
He smiled, and felt the tears spill down his cheeks.
"I will come back, I promise...whenever you ask me"
"I know you will...though I warn you, we may have to buy you a pager"
The joke rang hollow...both realised that they would not, could not be like this, safe in each others arms, until something changed. Clarisse's mind raced as she began to think ahead, began to wonder when it might be,
"Don't make any promises now, Clarisse..."
She smiled, he could read her so well. Looking over his shoulder she realised that they were nearly there, and sat suddenly back, running a hand self-consciously over her clothes,
"Do I look alright?"
He grinned, shaking his head, running his hand tenderly down her cheek,
"No, my darling, you look perfect, as ever"
Her face grew serious, his touch had been fleeting, but it was enough,
"When will you leave?"
"Not yet..."
At first their lips met with feverish desperation, tasting each other, their arms wrapping tightly about each other, pulling each other ever closer. Then, as the passion settled, they took their time, gentle kisses, teasing and tender. As the car slowed, Joseph pulled back, kissing her one more time on the cheek, the lips, her forehead, unwilling to let her go. As they ground to a halt no words were spoken, nothing could be said now... Straightening his shirt, Joseph stepped out of the limo and walked round to the other door to let Clarisse out. As she stood, the crowd roared, and she raised her hand to wave her appreciation. Stepping round her to close the door, Joseph bent a little, placing his hand discreetly at the small of her back, and whispered tenderly, "I love you...whatever"
To the cameras it would seem that she smiled at the cheers of the crowd, at the small girl handing her the poesy of flowers, but inside, only four words had registered.