As she walked down the aisle of the church, hundreds of pairs of eyes falling on her, Clarisse smiled bravely. Not for the first time, and not, she feared, for the last time, she had managed to pull herself together and keep smiling. Sebastian had met her at the door and together they had greeted various nobles and European dignitaries. Once again, she had been thankful for his good-natured support, his warm smile…and, it had to be said, his remarkable way of intimidating the more irritating guests away from her side.
She was not the centre of attention today, at least she wouldn't be, just as soon as the service began, and for that at least she was thankful. She could almost still feel Joseph's hand at the small of her back, guiding her forward, calming her invisibly. Fighting the urge to glance back at the main doors and check he was still there, she kept walking. Eventually, she arrived at the front and giving the Archbishop an acknowledging nod, and then smiling at Helen, she took her seat.
Looking down, she realised that her hands were still trembling, and said a silent prayer of thanks to the god of flowers who had thought to equip her with a small posy of roses. Still she couldn't really process what had been said in the car. It was almost as if her mind couldn't accept that he might really leave her. Squaring her shoulders, she sat up rigidly, taking a deep breath. Perhaps denial and self-delusion were the best line of defence today…at least until she was alone.
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At the back of the church, Joe was faring little better. Struggling with his earpiece, his fingers still shaking too much to insert it properly, he muttered under his breath. Shades, awkwardly cradling the squirming Viscount in his arms, couldn't help but notice. Whatever had happened in that car, Joe sure didn't look too happy about it.
"Everything all right there, sir?"
Joe nodded and responded automatically,
"Fine…everything is fine."
"Don't suppose you fancy switching jobs, do you sir?"
Joe attempted a smile, as the baby once again dribbled all over Shades' Armani jacket, and shook his head,
"No, sorry… my place is back here. Just think of it as your induction into being Head of Security"
Shades frowned, understanding immediately. So it hadn't worked – he was still leaving. Deciding not to say anything more, he simply nodded and turned his attention back to the child.
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As the fanfare sounded, and the choir began to sing, Clarisse turned to look. And yet, as much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, her eyes were not on her granddaughter. He was there, standing by the main door, just where she had left him, and he was looking straight back at her. Even across the length of the aisle she could make out his expression…of resignation, of love, of disappointment. She knew full well that he disapproved strongly of her involvement in Mia's engagement, of her decision, but he had never voiced this, never questioned her. She smiled broadly, falsely, in the direction of the bride, all the while never taking her eyes from his. He smiled back, and winked discreetly. Quickly wiping a tear from her cheek, she swallowed hard and nodded, finally drawing her gaze to the bride.
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It took her a second to realise what exactly had happened, so distracted had she been by her own thoughts. Turning to Helen though, she excused herself and began to make her way back down the aisle after the hurriedly retreating figure of Mia. Pausing at the main door, she almost collided with Charlotte, but soon reassured her aide to keep calm and to keep everyone else occupied.
As she hurried out of the main part of the church and through into the maze of empty anterooms, not thinking really, and for once just reacting, she felt his hand on her shoulder, holding her back slightly. Turning sharply, she almost ran into him. His eyes were warm, smiling back at her, and instantly she relaxed,
"Breathe, Clarisse…"
She let out the breath she hadn't even realised she had been holding, and closed her eyes. Bringing his hands up to cup her face, he dropped a gentle kiss to her forehead.
"There…now…better?"
She opened her eyes, sighing deeply, still steadying herself against him,
"Yes…I'm fine"
"Good. She's just through the doors, on the left…I'll try and clear the photographers as much as possible."
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The sight of her granddaughter bent double in what was unmistakably a spasm of fear, caused something to snap in the usually iron-willed queen. This simply would not do, not now, and not ever. Suddenly she realised that she could not force upon this girl the necessary mistakes that had governed her own life for so long. For a moment she stood, calming herself before she approached, gathering her words.
"Oh my dear….Mia"
Mia's head snapped up, and she began to rise, backing away a little,
"I'm sorry, Grandma, I…I…I, I just need a minute, I can do this"
Clarisse shook her head, as if unsure of herself, just for a moment, and then more vehemently,
"No…no. No."
Placing her hands on the shaking girl's shoulders, she tried to calm her,
"Darling, listen to me…"
She pulled back, unsure how much she should say, realising almost as soon as she'd doubted herself, that Mia deserved to know everything,
"…I made my choice, duty to my country, over love."
She paused, the words sticking a little in her throat,
"It's what I've always done it seems…it was drummed into me my whole life. Now I've lost the only man I ever really loved."
She could not have seen Joseph, moving silently closer, and in any case, no doubt she would have said it even if she had. Mia smiled sadly, understanding now the immense sacrifice her grandmother had made…realising painfully that she could not make it herself. Looking over at Joe, and then back at Clarisse, her mind began to race. Surely it couldn't end like this.
Clarisse simply nodded, discreetly as always, but the need for pretence was now gone. From Mia, at least, she wouldn't hide the truth. She had a feeling she would need her over the next few weeks, months…and her heart sunk at the thought.
Turning back to her granddaughter, Clarisse swallowed, composing herself again.
"Mia, I want you to make your choices as a woman…don't make the same mistakes I did."
She tried a smile, lifted a little by Mia's now-obvious relief,
"Make your own mistakes, there'll be plenty of them, believe me. Now…you can go back into that church and get married, or you can walk away. Whatever choice you make, let it come from your heart."
Mia nodded, biting her lip as she struggled with her thoughts. Groaning loudly in frustration, she threw her arms around her grandmother.
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Watching her walk back through to the church, Clarisse decided to hang back a little. She still hadn't understood quite the nature of Mia's decision, but she was confident that whatever she wanted to do, that it would be something she must do alone. Glancing round the main anteroom, she was a little disappointed to find that Joseph must already have re-entered the great hall. She thought back to her words of a few minutes ago, how easy it had been just to say it, how right… She would say them again, god, she wanted to say them again…to tell everyone, anyone who might listen, but with him by her side, sharing the moment with her. Taking a deep breath, buoyed a little by her vain fantasy, she knew that she must leave the quiet sanctuary of the smaller room and re-enter the main hall.
She arrived just in time to see Mia sweep up the final stairs, Andrew by her side.
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Throughout Mia's speech, Joe was torn, torn between watching the girl he had become so proud of single-handedly changing Genovian history, and the beautiful woman who he would be leaving behind so very soon. As Mia's words rang out around the church, he couldn't help but wonder what this all might mean, these changes, this break with tradition. He knew better than to hope too much.
She was standing but two paces away from him, enraptured by the events unfolding before her, her hands twisting nervously as Mia voiced her suggestions. But he couldn't reach out to her, no matter how close she was. Not here, not now.
As Mabrey blustered after Nicholas, she merely stepped aside, allowing him to pass, not even meeting his angry gaze. Joe smiled to himself, '…that's my girl', and shivering a little as her soft command tickled his ear, shut the doors firmly behind the annoying fool.
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Clarisse couldn't quite believe the scene unfolding before her as member after member of parliament stood to approve Mia's motion. As the room filled with cheers, she felt a little giddy. It had been so easy…after all this time…and it had been so easy.
Feeling his eyes on her, she longed to turn to Joseph, to hug him in triumph, but she managed to resist the urge. Not now, not here. Looking again at Mia, she smiled warmly, nodding her proud approval. To her surprise, Mia seemed to look first startled, and then, just as swiftly, remarkably pleased with herself.
From where she was standing, Clarisse couldn't exactly make out what Mia was doing, why she was leaning over to that irritating boy, why….
Charlotte stepped up behind her shoulder, gesturing with her earpiece or something, and for a moment her attention was drawn elsewhere.
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In spite of the momentous event unfolding around him, Joe was beginning to feel the heavy weight of their earlier conversation coming down to rest around him. He had already decided that he must leave before the end of the week, things would simply be too hard otherwise, but he still hadn't managed to convince himself of how things should be left. He couldn't just leave her, he wouldn't. And yet he couldn't return with any regularity. He wondered if a trip somewhere might be in order, perhaps to Italy…he had always wanted to go to Rome, to see the architecture, the sculpture. He sighed, even thoughts of his dream holiday wouldn't be able to cheer him today. Without her there would be something missing.
Glancing over again at her, giving in to the urge he had fought all through the service, he was surprised to see her using Charlotte's earpiece. For a moment it struck him as ridiculously funny, Clarisse and technology were not a welcome couple, but the laugh didn't materialise. Not today. Instead, he twisted his hands, the shakiness suddenly returning.
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As Mia's words registered, their almost fantastical implication suddenly clear to her, Clarisse knew immediately what she would do. Perhaps for the first time in her life, she decided something entirely on impulse, without even beginning to think. Of course, the choice made, she hesitated for a moment, looking at Charlotte, smiling nervously, wondering almost reflexively whether her decision was the right one. But no, for once she felt it, and had not intention of stopping herself.
He wasn't looking at her…but he must have heard, he…his earpiece was still very much in place. Still he didn't look up, and she felt her heart surge a little as she understood. He still thought that she would say no.
She smiled to herself, her hands suddenly fidgety, her mouth a little dry, nervously wondering how to ask him, how to…
Stepping forward, she decided not to question herself any longer and just keep going,
"Um, Joseph?"
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As his mind drifted, his thoughts resting fondly on Mia and her latest vague attempt to arrange a marriage herself (it must, after all, have been her doing that they were locked in the limo), Joe didn't notice that Clarisse had come to stand before him. Looking the other way, his mind was playing indulgently with the image of her throwing her arms around him and them running away together right here, right now. He sighed, blinking away the image, knowing full well the good that it would do him.
And then she was there, beckoning him over. Mentally shaking himself, he found himself, as if on auto-pilot, standing before her. He lowered his eyes, wishing desperately to mask the disappointment in them. This was not her fault, and he did not want her to feel worse than she probably already did.
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"Dear Joseph…"
His eyes snapped up, cautious, not quite understanding.
"Am I too late…"
The rest was a blur. To anyone watching it would have appeared that he was as cool as anything, entirely expecting her proposal, playing along good-heartedly, but inside he was in shock. Complete and utter shock. As she looked at him expectantly, he realised that she would require a reply. For a moment he was struck by the terrifying thought that he might have forgotten how to speak. He cleared his throat, anything to make sure,
"Well, I thought you'd never ask…."
As he handed his hat and earpiece to Shades, he managed a silly quip about Lionel, all the while his mind racing furiously, still not registering that this was all really happening. Turning back to her, he took her hand. Feeling how much she was trembling, he quickly caressed her fingers through their gloves, and wrapped her arm in his. Her nervousness jolted him from his disbelief, her discomfort, as always, bringing him to her side.
Taking a deep breath, he felt her falter, ever so slightly, and he smiled inwardly. Whispering gently, he squeezed her fingers,
"One foot, then the next, my darling…I'm here"
She smiled, and took his advice, thankful for his support now her courage was beginning to waver.
As they reached the altar, he whispered again, his breath tickling her ear, making her smile,
"'…you were all dressed for it'? Honestly, darling, that's as bad as 'I thought you'd never ask'"
Stifling a giggle, she leant into him slightly, and they made the final step up to stand before the archbishop.
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Placing the ring on her finger, Joe wondered if she realised how many times his imagination had already played through this scene. Her hand lay warmly in his, her fingers lightly stroking his skin through the silk gloves. For a moment it seemed as if they were entirely alone, and looking into her eyes, he smiled cheekily. She looked as dazed as he was, as surprised, as contented. Someone, the archbishop, he imagined, uttered the words "you may now kiss the bride", and it took a few seconds to realise that it was directed at him. Clarisse smiled at his slight hesitation, and moved towards him, meeting him halfway. As their lips met, they smiled. This was no kiss of passion, but one of honest, still almost unbelieving, pride. Finally.
A/N This is not the end….there will be a couple more chapters, but we are nearly there now. Please review! ;o)