Title: Selfishness
Authoress: Andria-Leon...KruezTexture
Genre: Angst, Romance
Warnings: Slight Releena bashings, shounen-ai
Rating: K+ for the S-Ai
Pairings: DuoxHeero, one sided ReleenaxHerro..
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Selfishness is something I like to to live with
It lives and breaths in my soul
Jealousy is something that takes control of me
When I see someone take my goal
Hatred is something I live with everyday
Flaming and burning inside
And this selfishness is nothing
I have to hide.
Selfishness
When I think of Heero Yuy all wise thoughts depart from my matured mind and I feel like a spoiled three-year old again. Heero has to be the only angel I have ever met.
When I ramble on to anyone about his perfections and great strength they wither make comments about how nice of a couple we are or roll their eyes.
Anyone but Duo.
Duo will blink at me with this strange frown on his face and than that grin is there again, the one he always has covering his face. I don't particularly like Duo. I never have.
But I know I will have to grow accustomed to his presence as he is my Heero's special someone. This no one thinks I understand. This no one thinks I know or care about. This I understand, know and have tried to accept.
I don't have anything to say on this matter as I become speechless when people make hints or slight mentions. I think they are trying to make me see. But what is it they want me to see?
The things that haunt me in my sleep, the things I already see? I Releena Peacecraft have accepted my fate. No actually I haven't. And I know what everyone thinks of me. Selfish little Releena who can't accept the truth.
Damn it I wish I could. But my entire living revolves around Heero Yuy being there. And no one is an angel like him. No one deserves better so why am I still trying to keep him here next to me? So I can be happy and him not?
Selfish, oh yes I have been and unfortunately still remain to be. No one thinks I can see that to no one else is Heero and angel. But he is. Sent from heaven to watch over me, I mean.
But not to love me as he was supposed to. No the perfect soldier strayed from his original mission and fell in love with a braided, American brat. Some people don't know this. They think I am with him. And that I am.
He stays by my side when I call to him, for him. He will never be owned by anyone else the way he is owned by me! Not even Duo Maxwell! I try to convince myself everyday that he cares more for me.
But than why will he hold that long-haired baka close and comfort him but only stand outside of a door when it comes to me. He isn't tripping over his own feet to help me, that is what I am doing for him.
This creature deserves to be treated as a god, I say and believe. And so when I die I will die with his name on my lips. I cannot accept the fact that he is in love with some American idiot who shot him!
That boy is nothing compared to me, he can do nothing for Heero that I can't do. I can comfort Heero, watch over him, pamper him, take care of him and love him. Duo has no money to take care of Heero! He has nothing to give my angel.
Nothing.
Today I make to prove that point to them both. Heero was hurt again in a mission. They told me earlier today. See, Heero loves me more than Duo.
He holds Duo close because he feels for him like a brother but he wants to spend his life with me. Why else would he always be there when I need him? It is fate's reasoning.
I don't care what I have seen, he is not in love with Duo. It is me he wants to be with, he has just confused himself into comforting Maxwell first.
I know my lips are pursed as I put my car into drive, I know my brows are furrowed as I continue along the road, staring hard at the mirror. And when i think of what I will accomplish today, my lips curve into a grin, brows relaxing in the breeze of open windows. 'Heero will care if something is to happen to me.'
I let myself believe. I know inside it is true because otherwise he would have killed me long before. That has to mean something and I plan on making that show today!
Let the love shine through my Heero I am coming to save you and take you into my arms forever. As the car pulls into the parking lot of the hospital I notice a black car along the way with a large white D painted over the front part.
Albeit I'm sure it is Maxwell's new car I shake the thoughts of worry from my head and breath in fresh air. My high heels clop softly on the dark, gravelly pavement of the parking lot.
The glass doors swing open and I am up and down the corridors searching for my angel's cinnamon-smelling hair. And there my love is, my eyes focus on the picture before me.
My savior is sitting halfway up in the cot with indigo blankets covering his torso down. His blue eyes are looking up with a strange passion at Duo Maxwell who is leaned over ont he bed with his pink lips parted to speak.
I am about to intrude with fury when I hear the braided one speak. Speak in that caring tone no one thinks I will ever notice. "Heero." He says slowly, swallowing thickly. Those blue eyes flicker and Heero's mouth goes into a straight line.
"I won't let it happen to you again." Maxwell forces this out with a pained look in his eyes. "Next time, I promise I will be there. You-you should have told me you were going on a mission alone, think about what could have happened."
I find myself feeling some of the things Duo is feeling. Much, much worse could have happened. Heero looks as if he is confused for a moment before he exhales through his nose.
"Don't make that sort of promise, Maxwell."
The braided baka is angry. "Why the hell not?" He retorts, nostrils flaring. My angel heaves a sigh.
"It is something no one understands. Why I go on missions alone. Why I am a perfect soldier. Why I am the way I am when it comes to anything." Duo nods suddenly and I see wetness forming in his eyes.
"That's the way you think, eh? That no one understand you? The stoic Mr. Perfect? That's bullshit!" His cheeks are red as cherries.
"You think I don't hide behind a mask, Heero? To block out the memories of my past? The way you do with your impassive act?" Heero looks as if he about to speak but Duo interrupts. "I don't want an excuse this time all I want is to know."
The other sits all the way up suddenly causing his blankets to drop half onto the floor. "I take the dangerous missions because.." He trailed off. "Because I don't want anyone else to die.
There has been enough dealings with the shinigami for an eternity. Too many casualties to count." His head shakes warily. Duo let's a tear leak out. "You-You stupid, stupid asshole!" He lifts his fist high into the air and I have keep myself from gasping.
'He's going to hurt Heero! That disgusting'-Heero catches the fist in his hand before Duo can do any damage and the violet-eyed boy gives a strangled sort of sob, his head landing in Heero's chest.
"I know how it feels, I understand.." He hiccups. "But that's a stupid reason now. Shinigami is someone I will always understand. But don't be stupid, you're not stupid Hee-chan. I was so worried about you.."
A wingless boy then, gives up and puts his arms slowly around the sobbing back of Duo Maxwell. And a soft smile is across his face.
I feel my heart suddenly jump and my blue eyes are blinking.
I realize I can never do that for Heero. Never make him smile like that. With such care. But I don't feel bad at this point. I don't feel deceived or betrayed or angry or jealous. Because really, I do love Heero.
With wings or without and I am not someone who will make him smile everyday with joy. And happiness is something he will always need to feel. There is passivity inside of Duo that he can give Heero
. A passivity I will never have. They together are something I can never be. If I were in Duo's place Heero wouldn't be that something. Thats is something I cannot let happen.
So from this day on I will protect Duo and Heero's relationship and keep them joyful. For both Heero and myself. I can give up love. It will be hard but this way I will be more focused. More free.
Maybe I can learn how to grow wings like Heero did, now that he doesn't need them. I can fly free. A smile crossed my face as I watched them, I turned, car keys jingling in my pocket and turned to make my way home again.
And I go back home mature and wise again.
Three year old selfishness is something I want to live without.
Selfishness is something I'd like to live without
I no longer want protection for me
Living is something I will do for you
And the news I have received
These nerves send messages to my mind
That make me change
Selfishness is something I will try to live without
I don't need propriety
If I can see that same smile on your face
It's okay with me
Your top priority
Even with him
Andria Frenchtoast