Padfootlet: This was bouncing around in my head while me and Liz-chan((AKA: The crazy one)) were playing around with translations anyway…hopefully this will be amusing….
Disclaimer: well…if I DID own Harry Potter (which I don't) I wouldn't be writing fan fics would I? No…I would be in a giant mansion with a laboratory in the basement plotting on ways to destroy the world and being all of my bishi's to life…
A NOTE FROM THE CRAZY ONE: Hola amigas y amigos! Yo soy la loca chica. Sum magistar mundi sum, non sum pices! Barba me spectat, et leo me spectat. el barba del leo me spectat, capiche? Ayudo Korimi-chan con ese fabula, et yo hablo dos idiomas. No se como usar los... umm... ((looks up spanich word for accents but dosnet find it)) accents, so you'll have to dead con poorly written Spanengatin, ne?
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'What an idiotic assignment…' Severus Snape growled to himself as he walked swiftly through a muggle airport in Paris, France. 'Pick up Granger from the airport…She's 17 years old! Dumbledore thinks she can't get to HQ without a babysitter…crazy old-' His curses were interrupted by some French person yelling at him for bumping into them.
"Regarder où vous vous allez la grande aberration de nosed aux cheveux graisseuse!" The long nosed man yelled at the greasy haired Potions Master.
Snape glared at the man. He didn't speak French, but he had a feeling he was being insulted. "Shut up and get out of my way idiot." He growled, pushing his way passed the man.
The Frenchman, it presumed, was annoyingly persistent and decided to follow Snape as he walked through the airport looking for Port number 66.
"Faire ne vous me fuyez pas vous le petit cochon d'Angleterre ! Me combattre comme un homme !" The Frenchman yelled.
Snape growled and spun around. "If you are going to speak to me you insolent pest then—oof!"
The Frenchman hit him in the jaw, causing him to stumble back. The look on Snape's face was dangerous, he looked ready to whip out his wand and hex the man. Unfortunately for him, Dumbledore did not seem to trust his patience in a muggle airport and took away his wand.
'Damn old bat.' He growled.
Seemingly happy with his accomplishment, the Frenchman walked away with a smug smile on his lips.
"I hate the French." He muttered, turning on his heels and walking off to finish his job. The sooner he found that muggle born know-it-all the fast he could get out of the hellhole known as the airport.
"Oo…ma mere look at that weird man! Why is he wearing a dress?" A small blond girl said in a thick French accent.
The woman scolded her child and told her not to talk about people like that.
"But ma mere! He looks like he fell into a tub of McDonalds grease! Do you think his hair would catch on fire if he got close to a flame?" The girl asked, still staring at Snape, who glowered at her to no effect.
"Quiet!" The woman hissed, dragging her daughter away from Snape. "You shouldn't talk about people like that! No matter how greasy their hair is!"
Snape growled. Now he remembered why he hated muggles and little kids. 'Ignorant little-'
"Escuse moi, vous aimez faire don de pour Epargner les Fonds de Childrens français ?"
Snape growled out the only French sentence he knew. "Je ne parle pas francais!"
The charity man blinked at him before smiling happily. It was the kind of smile that gave Snape the creeps. No one was that happy, except gay men and those... muggle Wiggle things his niece insisted on showing her son... maybe crazy people... Maybe he was some weird mass murderer or something. "Not to worry sir…I know English as well! Now would you like to donate--?"
"No… now go screw yourself." Snape snapped. He didn't have time to waste listening to the little money snatchers! He had to get out of this place as soon as possible.
The poor man wandered through the airport, still searching for the terminal when an irritatingly loud blonde ran into him, knocking him to the ground.
"THEY'RE COMING FOR YOUUUU!" She cried, terrified. Snape shoved her off and stood up, dusting off his robes.
"What do you mean, you impudent little--" Whatever the impudent little whatever was, he never found out for at that moment Snape found out exactly what she meant. He was knocked to the ground again by a large black dog.
"SIRIUS DAMNED BLACK GET THE BLOODY HELL OFF ME!" He cried, shoving the happy-go-lucky dog off him. He stood up and glared at the dog before remembering--Sirius was, 'thankfully', dead. 'If it's not that damned mutt, what--' he wondered before the blonde knocked him over again.
"FLUFFLES! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT RUNNING AND KNOCKING DOWN PEOPLE WITH BIG NOSES?" She grinned gleefully at the dog before clipping an absurdly large chain to his collar. She pulled out a crown of candleholders and put it on her head, lighting the candles.
"LIZ!" A black haired girl came running up, fanning out the candles. "What did I tell you about candles in the airport! You could get arrested!"
"No I couldn't" the girl, who was apparently Liz, protested and re-lit the candles.
The san girl, looked at Snape with a weird look. "You look like my AP Environmental Science teacher…" She peered closer so she was only a few inches from Snape's face. "Hmm…no…. Mr. Chase has a big nose but you're hair is greasier." She turned back to the blond who was spinning in circles with the candles still on her head. "Liz! Ugh…I swear I don't know WHY I am your friend."
The blond giggled. "Because you love me Korimi-chan!"
"Or its because I'm the only sane person that can put up with you." The girl muttered. The dark-haired girl began dragging the obviously mentally unstable blonde away. She wrenched her arm free and collapsed into Snape.
"What the--" He began. Then he felt something rather... warm.
"PRETTY!" The blonde cried. Snape glanced upwards. He screamed a high-pitched, very un-Snape-like scream and began running through the airport.
"STOP DROP AND ROLL, DENETHOR!" The blonde called after him, for indeed his hair…had caught aflame.
"SEE! What if that was someone important? What if he was waiting to pick someone up? What if he was waiting to pick up his (heaven forbid) girlfriend or wife? And he's DEAD now because of your pyromaniacy!"
But of course Snape was not dead. However, being without his wand, he was rather undignified. He ran to the bathroom, well aware that they had sinks. However, the poor man never had muggle chemistry, and therefore was unaware that water only made grease fires worse. That oversight cost him a few more precious minutes.
Eventually he gave up all pride and shoved his head in a large planter outside a terminal. He lifted his head with a breath of relief. He looked upwards to glare at whatever Deity chose to be glared at, when he noticed the gate number.
He turned around as he heard laughter, a fiery glare directed at the laughter. He cursed all his luck, and the luck of a few other people, and fire…and Albus, of course. Behind him, giggling rather coyly was none other than the subject of his ridiculous quest.
"A word to anyone, Miss Granger, and I will make sure that this Airport from Hell is burnt to the ground with no evidence of what arsonist caused the fire." He grumbled.
"Now, now. It's not like you were chased by raving Frenchmen, attacked by Sirius-look-alikes and…well, you were set on fire. How did that happen?"
Snape merely glared daggers at the somewhat oblivious Hermione.
"HI THERE! Wow you're pretty"
Snape groaned. The blond had returned.
"Sirius!" Hermione gasped, looking at the dog behind her, which was being held by a dark haired girl.
The blond blinked and looked behind her. "That's my dog Fluffles!"
Snape growled. "Haven't you caused ENOUGH damage for ONE day kid!"
The blond looked thoughtful before smiling happily. "NOPE!" She brought out a giant bag of marshmallows and a match. Smashing the marshmallows on Snape's head, she relit his hair, resulting in Snape dumping his head back in the pot of soil.
"Honestly, Liz! The poor plant will die from grease overdose if that man has to keep doing that!" Korimi said, holding back snickers.
"Umm... Will someone explain what's going on?" The two who's heads were not shoved in a flowerpot turned to the somewhat confused brunette.
"OHMYGODYOUREEMMAWATSONCANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPHSOICANMAKEATONOFPHOTOCOPIESANDSENDTHEMOFFTOEBAYANDMAKEATOMOFMONEY?"
Hermione blinked. "Oh your God I'm who and can you have what so you can do what with E-Bay?"
Liz blinked.
"I... forget." She said, dropping to sit down contentedly, munching on a marshmallow.
"Don't mind her, she's...less than sane."
"I know a certain dark lord that would love to use her to torture people..." Hermione muttered, tapping Snape's shoulder.
"We better get going, the apparation point is all the way on the other side of the airport." She said. Snape looked up in horror, his head covered in the soil that clung to the grease.
Korimi and Liz were staring at them before…
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE REAL LIVE HARRY POTTER PEOPLE!
YOU MEAN THE REAL HERMIONE AND SNAPE!
OH MY GOD THIS IS SO COOL!" They two yelled together. The seemingly sane girl had turned into someone about as insane as the blond.
Liz tackled Snape as Korimi rounded on Hermione, asking her a bunch of questions.
Desperate to save themselves, Hermione and Snape ran for it.
"COME BACK!" Liz yelled, running after them with Korimi close behind, the black dog abandoned. "IS IT TRUE! ARE THE FAN FICS TRUE? YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AREN'T YOU!"
"DON'T BE REDICULOUS SHE'S IN LOVE WITH DRACO!" Korimi yelled at her friend.
It just so happens, for some unknown, random reason, Draco Malfoy was in the airport, about to pick his mother up from an American flight. Why she was traveling by muggle transportation he wouldn't know, but she was.
"EEW! I DO NOT LIKE THAT FERRET!" Hermione screeched over her shoulder.
"SAME GOES FOR YOU GRANGER!"
Liz kept running after Snape, but Korimi had stopped dead in her tracks to stare at Draco. "OH MY GOD IT'S DRACO!"
"Shit." With that, Draco joined Snape and Hermione in running for his life.
The teens that followed, however, seemed to posses a level of stamina beyond that of ordinary humans.
"I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH, SNAPEY-POO! AND YOUR SECRET BRAND OF SCARE-TACTICS!"
"TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE REAL MAGIC, DRACO-KUN!"
"HERMIONE, CAN YOU GET ME A DATE WITH HARRY!"
Korimi stopped to stare at the blonde." I didn't know you liked Harry."
"I don't. But who wouldn't want to date a really famous, rich guy?"
"..." And with that, Korimi and Liz resumed their chasing.
"Do these people ever give up?" Snape cried.
"Muggles are known for being persistent. Ever heard of Thomas Edison? He tried over a thousand dif--"
"We don't need a history lesson, Granger!"
"Well you asked!"
"Did not!"
"Less arguing, children, and more running!" Snape cried, irritated that running did not entail a dramatic swirl of cloak. Hermione and Draco shot up, desperately knocking over Popcorn vendors, old women and infants to get through their destination, the safe-house for witches and wizards traveling by muggle plane, the Apparation Point.
"BUT YOUR HAIR IS SO SHINEEEYYYYYYYY!"
"FREEDOM!" Draco yelled uncharacteristically once they got to the apparation point. When the three chasees got to their destination, the disapparated, leaving behind a disappointed Korimi and Liz.
Snape and Hermione arrived back at Headquarters breatihing hard.
"What's up with you Mione? You and Snape look like you just got chased around the airport by a bunch of crazed fan girls." Harry said, from where he sat at the table at Grimmauld Place.
Snape glared up at him. "Detention Potter."
"We're not even in school!" Harry protested.
"I don't care…you're getting detention for making me remember my day from hell." With that, he swept out of the room; thankful his dramatic cloak swishing was present.
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Padfootlet: ALL DONE! What do you think? Me n LilyoftheShadow worked on this together so props to Liz-chan for helping me out! Don't forget to review!