..: A Very Long Engagement :..
Sowwies it took me like a month to update! I actually have almost half of the parody done, I just was having a hard time finding a place to stop. And now, since FanFic's not allowing song lyrics anymore, I dunno if I can put up the next chappies with lyrics, or not. Seriously, should I keep the lyrics, or toss them?
Wow! Reviews! Thanks to EE's Skysong, PyroManiac, enigmagirl2727, heartsyhawk, psychobunny410, Quing, simba317, and Sangofanatic for reviewing!
In case any of you are wondering as to why I am parodying this parody in the X-Mansion…meh, I dunno. They'll get kicked out eventually, though, to go journey to Scott the Qui-Gong Dude and all. No, they're not going to Mongolia, Forge'll be kicking Scott out to go to the Brotherhood house (everyone's in the X-mansion, probably as permanent residents. Why? For sheer sake of convenience!)
Oh, and, um, no reference at all to the movie A Very Long Engagement. Never even seen the movie. Nope.
DISCLAIMER: "STOP HARASSING MY PANTS!"
Wanda, Danielle, Callisto, Torpid, Taryn, Amanda, Jean, Ororo, and Risty had all gone home after beating Bobby until he was mumbling something about The Green Fairy and Ozzy Osbourne and dancing the wango (1) – well, Jean had gone off looking for Scott and Ororo had gone to chastise Evan or something – but that was no consolation at all for Bobby.
First, Rahne had chased around the room about ten times, tackled him, slobbered all over him, tore up his shirt, and ripped a hole in the seat of his pants, revealing his Spiderman boxers. Then Kitty, Tabby, and Rogue sat on him while X23 put a shock collar around his neck, attached it to a leash, and tied said leash to a pole in the middle of his room. He then spent the better part of an hour running in circles around the pole while Tabby, Jubes, and Amara blasted at him with their various powers, accompanied by the occasional shock from Kitty, who was holding the shock collar remote.
After that got boring, Kitty phased him through the shock collar. Then Jamie – who was up in the Control Room and going through another one of his Evil Phases, attached Bobby to a giant spinning target. And then Kurt bamfed in with seven buckets full of balloons and bamfed out.
"Is everyone out to get me?" Bobby demanded.
"Well, it would have been Evan, but he's still a hiccupping fountain," Rahne said.
"Oh," Bobby said. Then Jamie spun the target and the girls all started lobbing paint-filled balloons at him. Luckily for Bobby, they ran out of paint balloons after ten minutes. Unluckily for Bobby, none of them missed. It was a miracle he didn't throw up.
Kitty phased him out of the target and straight into a wooden box. Bobby repeatedly ran into the walls – though whether it was to try to break it or render himself unconscious, no one knew – while X23 and Rogue dumped bucketfuls of honey onto him. When Tabby finally blew up one of the walls in the box to let Bobby out, he was covered from head to toe in honey, and it was dripping onto the floor.
And then he saw that they were all wielding extremely fluffy pillows.
Rogue threw a pillow at him, which he just barely managed to catch. "On guard!" she yelled.
"What?" Bobby said, probably partially deaf due to all the paint in his ears.
And all the girls attacked him with their pillows.
Eight exploded pillows, one plastic beak, and a pair of yellow flippers later, Bobby pretty much resembled a duck. He even started pecking at the dried bits of honey on the floor, probably having acquired brain damage sometime between the 16 girls beating him with sticks, Rahne tackling him in dog form, getting shocked by the dog collar, spinning on the target, getting splattered by paint balloons, and the pillow fight.
Then Scott blasted the door to the Danger Room open. "What happened here?" he demanded.
"Bobby," Rogue said.
"Oh," Scott said.
Then Remy came strolling in all his General Remy glory.
"It's General Remy!" Tabby yelled, downing more Pixie Stix.
"…ow," Rahne winced, having being standing next to her.
"Chere," Remy began. "Remy hasn' known y' for very long, but Remy don' feel dat matters when a homme is in…" He trailed off as all the girls started laughing.
Well, except X23. "I don't get it," she said to Jubes. "What's he talking about?"
"He's…" Jubes burst out laughing.
"Is dere somewhere private we can talk?" Remy asked Rogue.
"We can go to Evan's room!" Amara exclaimed.
"Isn' dat where Evan is?" Remy asked her dubiously.
"We kick him out," Amara said. "Duh."
"Why doan y'all go search for John's secret stash of Pixie Stix?" Rogue suggested.
They all immediately stopped laughing. "John has a secret stash of Pixie Stix?" Kitty said.
"We must find it!" Rahne yelled, and immediately turned into a dog and started sniffing. All the girls followed her out.
Later, In Logan's Room…
John and Piotr were sitting in Logan's room, which was right across the hall from Remy, John, and Piotr's (because their luck is incredibly lousy like that, and Acolyte buddies gotta stick together!). John was grumbling about getting kicked out of his own room. It actually looked pretty cute, considering he was only twice the size of a Borrower. Kitty was sitting on Logan's bed with a box of Pixie Stix. The rest of the girls were still out searching for John's secret stash. Piotr was drawing a picture of something, glancing across the hall at Remy's room every now and then.
In Remy's room (and John and Piotr's room), Rogue was sitting on Remy's bed, and Remy was kneeling in front of her. After a few seconds, Rogue jumped off the bed with a laugh, throwing her arms around Remy.
"She, like, said yes!" Kitty exclaimed drunkenly.
Logan walked in as she just said that. He took one look at the room across from his and fainted.
"Wait," Ororo said. "She actually agreed to marry Remy?"
Kitty shrugged and downed another Pixie Stick.
!FLASHBACK TO 2 MINUTES AGO!
"Wait," Rogue said. "Yah and Ah have ta be engaged?"
"Y' haven' seen de movie, chere?" Remy asked.
"And yah have?" Rogue said.
"Remy lost a bet to Jamie," Remy said.
"What did yah bet him?"
"Dat Jamie couldn' beat Remy at DDR."
"How badly did yah lose?"
"Jamie got a AA."
"And yah got a…"
"D."
"Wow, yah must reallah suck."
"Hey, de dance pad was really slippery."
"Sure." Rogue groaned again. "Ah do not want ta be engaged to yah."
"Why?" Remy asked. "Afraid y' might like it?"
"Dream on, Swamp Rat," Rogue said. "Tha day Ah fall in love with yah is tha day that John and Piotr sing the intro and denouement to a romantic Disney song whahle ya and Ah go on a date without even noticin' they're there."
Remy opened his mouth. Unfortunately for him, Rogue wasn't done yet. "And Rahne sings tha actual song. And yah and Ah do one of those think-singin' things that drives tha Prof nuts." (2)
"Dat was…oddly specific," Remy said.
"Ah know," Rogue said. "Ahrene told me."
"So dere's still hope?" Remy asked eagerly. "Remy mean……Remy bet dat y' can' act like we're engaged for de entire parody."
"Yah just don't know when ta quit," Rogue said. "Fahne. Yah're on."
"And if Remy wins…?"
"Ah'll take yah out ta breakfast."
"Non."
"Fahne. Breakfast and lunch."
"Breakfast, lunch, and two dinners."
"That's four dates!"
"Oui, and it'll be de second longest relationship Remy's ever been in." (3)
"Rahhhhhhhght. But if Ah win, yah gotta give meh John's secret stash of Pixie Stix."
"Who said Remy knows where dey are?"
Rogue gave him a Look.
"Okay, so Remy does know. But how do y' know dat John'll be okay wit' dat?"
"Because John was tha one that got me on a sugar hahgh that one tahme."
"Oh, dat time."
"And yah have to give me John's secret stash of Mountain Dew, too."
"Okay."
"And…" Rogue thought for a moment. "Yah have ta dress lahke a girl for a week."
"Okay."
"And meh, Kitty, Jubes, Tabby, and whoever else Ah choose get ta pick out yahr clothes and do yahr makeup and everythin'."
Remy flinched when she mentioned Kitty's name. "Y're askin' a lot dere."
"Yah're askin' foah four dates."
"Fair enough. Deal."
"Deal."
And they formally shook on it.
!END FLASHBACK!
"Hey, comrade," Piotr said, showing John the picture he had been drawing.
It was a picture of a Gothic girl with white stripes in her hair and a boy with red-on-black eyes, a mini-goatee, and a haircut that looked suspiciously like Remy's kissing. The boy looked like he was kissing a spark plug. (4)
John started laughing, then started shoving Piotr out of the room (how he managed this, no one knows). "Quick!" he yelled. "To the copy machine!"
Later, In Rogue's Room…
"Ah'm engaged, Ah'm engaged!" Rogue yelled to no one in particular.
Pyro came running in. "What's going on?" he demanded.
"Ah'm engaged," Rogue said. "Yah should know, yah were in the room rahght across from meh."
"Oh," Pyro said. "I thought Sam was yelling 'I'm gay, I'm gay!'" (5)
"Ah am not gay!" Sam yelled.
"We know that, mate," Pyro said. "It's Sexy Robbie who is."
"I'M NOT GAY!"
"Sorry," Pyro said quickly. "Bi."
Rogue looked at Pyro suspiciously. He was smiling even more than usual, and that was saying something, considering Wanda had taken away his lighter again. "What did yah do?"
"Me?" Pyro said, eyes wide. "Nothing! Nothing at all!"
In Logan's Room…
Logan had just recovered from seeing Remy propose to Rogue – and Rogue actually accepting. He was also happy to see that the door to his room was closed, and nearly everyone was out in the living room for some reason. He opened the door…
And practically had a stroke. Lining every single space of walls and ceiling were hundreds of copies of a certain picture of a certain Cajun and a certain Gothic girl.
Unsurprisingly, he fainted…yet again.
Back In Rogue's Room…
Rogue glared at Pyro. "There's somethin' else, isn' there?" she asked.
!FLASHBACK TO A MINUTE AGO!
"AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHA – (hack choke cough wheeze)!" Pyro choked on his own evil laughter. "Hey! What are you doing here, mate? GET OUT OF ME FLASHBACK!"
!END FLASHBACK!
Pyro burst into tears. "My little sheila's getting married!"
Rogue clapped a finger over his mouth. "Shut up, Pahro, someone will hear yah."
"I can't help it!" Pyro said. "You know, pyromaniacs are very emotional. It seems like just a few months ago you and I were saving China."
"It was a few months ago," Rogue said.
"Oh, how time flies!" Pyro exclaimed. "You know, this must be a magical moment for you, sheila."
"It's not every day Ah get engaged," Rogue said.
"No, I mean telling me you're engaged," Pyro said. "After all, I'm the guy who gave you and Pretty Boy the hookup. Am I a guardian, or am I a guardian?"
"Oh yah're more than that, Pyro," Rogue said. "Yah're mah most trusted friend."
"Oh, that did it!" Pyro said, bursting into tears again.
"Are yah cryin' again?" Rogue asked.
"No, I just got some exfoliating cream in me eye. Of course I'm crying, sheila! What'd you think? Oh, Rogue, I'm just so happy for me!" Pyro said, throwing his arms around Rogue's neck.
"Yah?" Rogue said.
Pyro climbed onto her head. "This wedding business is a big status boost for me!" he said. "When those ancestors look up the career ladder, all they're gonna see is me behind!"
"Ah'm so glad mah getting' married is helpin' yah out, Pahro," Rogue said.
"Alright, I get you, Miss Missy. But I'm thinking about you, too. In fact, I'm gonna plan your wedding! First I gotta work up a theme. Theme is everything. How about 'Rainbow of Memories'? Huh?"
Rogue gave him a Look.
"No, that's too Junior Prom," Pyro agreed. "I got it! The theme is 'Think Pink!' You know, pink is the new red. It's simple, it says it. Now watch my smoke! To the fabric store!" And he ran off to find Jubes.
"If he reallah does pink, Ah will murder him with mah bare hands," Rogue vowed.
"Chere?" Remy came walking in, rubbing the back of his neck. "Seems de chaton invited someone to help us celebrate de engagement."
"Really?" Rogue said, flinching. "Who?"
They both poked their heads out into the living room. "Do y' really have to ask?"
"Congratulations!" all the X-Men yelled.
Kitty passed by with a box of Pixie Stix and a six-pack of Mountain Dew. "Isn't it, like, wonderful?" she said. "Make way for the happy couple!" she yelled to the crowd.
"Now dis is a battlefield," Remy said.
"What's our strategy, General?" Rogue asked.
"Divide and conquer," Remy said.
In Kurt's Room, AKA The Ancestor's Temple…
"All right, all right, wikiwiki, me dead mates," Pyro yelled through a mini-megaphone. Wow, that's such an oxymoron. "We've got work to do, so let's move with purpose." He climbed up onto his pedestal. "I've got an important announcement: Rogue's getting married! To Remy!"
Kurt fainted. So did everyone else, out of pure shock.
"All right, wake up, I know exactly how you feel. But time's wasting, me mates. Let's move!" He looked around. "WAKE UP!"
Scott, Pietro, and Kurt, having recovered in record time, had identical evil looks on their faces. Pyro ignored them, but went rambling on. "The theme is pink! I want to see pink flowers, pink ribbons, pink bows."
"And Rogue actually agreed with this?" Kurt said.
Pyro ignored him. "I'm not talking about salmon or blush. I mean pink as a freshly slapped newborn's behind."
"How about a pink slip?" Jean said.
"Excuse me?" Pyro said, looking revolted. "No one wants to see your slip, Big Red."
"Actually, she meant this," Kurt said, handing Pyro a pink slip.
Pyro read it. "Hey, mate, this looks like a real pink slip. You know, like a 'you're fired' pink slip."
"Oh, it is," Scott said.
"What?"
Sam poked him with his pitchfork. "Tha pink slip is foah yah," he said.
"It's written," Kurt said. "Once a woman marries, her husband's ancestors take over the duty of guardianship." They all started laughing.
Except Pyro. He was looking frantic. "No, no, no. This must have a typo or something. That can't be!"
"Oh, but it is!" Scott said. "You're out of a job!"
"Out of a pedestal!" Rahne added.
"And yah're out of our hair!" Sam finished.
"Aw, no, come on, mates!" Pyro said desperately.
"The moment Rogue's married, you've got your old job back," Kurt said, grabbing Pyro by the leg. "Remember gong duty? Maybe this will ring a bell." He threw him into his old gong, sending him flying out the door.
Kurt, Scott, Jean, Sam, Rahne, and Pietro formed a conga line. "Pyro's on his way out!" they chanted.
"Aw, man, this really burns," Pyro said glumly. Then he lit up at his own pun. "Hehehe…burn! Which way's Jean's room?" He ran off, cackling madly.
Back In The Living Room…
Rogue was about to eat a Pixie Stick when Amara grabbed her arm. "So? Will it be a big wedding?"
"Absolutely," Rogue said.
"Absolutely not!" Remy said.
"Children?" Jubes asked with a giggle.
"As many as possible," Remy said.
"Hey!" Rogue snapped. "Yah're not tha one that'll have to go through chahldbirth! (6)Maybe one or two," she added to Jubes.
Ororo and Logan had just gotten to the living room (Ororo having to half-drag Logan there), and looked pretty shocked.
"We'll have to think about it," Remy said.
"Rahght away," Rogue said.
"Red."
"Black."
"Mild."
"How can yah say mahld?" Rogue demanded.
"It was in de script, chere."
"Oh."
"Did you hear that?" Ororo asked Logan.
"Yeah," Logan said. "Can't believe Gumbo actually said mild."
"Not that," Ororo said.
"Oh," Logan said. "Then, uh, maybe we should give our gift to them now."
And then Angel came flying in. ÜBER DRAMATIC ENTRANCE ALERT!
"General Remy, Howlett Rogue, orders from The Spyke," Angel said even more über dramatically.
"Is dere trouble?" Remy asked as Angel gave both of them scrolls.
"Yes," Angel said. "Report to the Imperial Palace."
"We'll leave at once," Remy said. Angel flew out, still über dramatically. Then Remy grabbed a Pixie Stick from Jubes and started downing it. "It must be pretty important if De Spyke wants both of us," he said.
"He knows a winnin' team when he sees one," Rogue said.
"Den why did he join de Morlocks?" Remy asked.
"Just because he knows a winnin' team doesn' mean he'll go with it," Rogue said.
"Oh."
Pyro, who was watching them with Mystique the Cri-Kee, scoffed. "Since when are they the winning team? The ink isn't even dry on me pink slip, and I'm being replaced!"
Mystique squeaked angrily at him. "Yeah, I know," Pyro said. "You're right. How could I have been so selfish? Those two clearly got it going on. Cri-Kique, I've made my decision. I gotta kiss my pedestal goodbye, 'cuz my sheila's happiness comes first!" Mystique squeaked approvingly.
Logan and Ororo walked up to them. "I thought you were gonna leave at once," Logan said.
"It's just upstairs," Rogue pointed out.
"Right…Do I really have to give them the yin-yang lesson?" Logan said.
"Aw, come on," Forge said. "It makes you sound spiritual."
"I don't do spiritual," Logan said.
Ororo rolled her eyes. "We were just admiring the mudan tree," she said to Rogue.
"We have a mudan tree?" Remy asked.
Rogue elbowed him. "Yes, it's so lovely this year."
"The blossoms reach from the sunlight above," Ororo said, "Yet, unseen, the roots reach for the rainwater below. Sun and rain, so different, yet only by working together do they create harmony and life."
"Ah know, Ororo," Rogue said. "Tha lesson of yin and yang."
"And to help you remember that lesson…" Logan said as he and Ororo took off their necklaces.
"Logan, Ororo, yoah necklaces," Rogue gasped.
"Not ours," Ororo said. "…whose are these again?"
Forge shrugged.
"Well, uh, they're yours now," Logan said, putting them on over their heads.
"They're beautiful," Rogue said.
"But you'll be surprised how heavily they can weigh," Logan said. As soon as he let go of the necklace around Remy's neck, Remy toppled to the floor neck-first. "To share the burden, you gotta work together."
"Wait a minute," Pyro said to Cri-Kique. "Old man Logan's got a point now. Rogue and Remy are as different as sun and rain. And when the infatuation wears off, their tree's gonna wind up with root rot."
Cri-Kique squeaked at him.
"Oh, sure, she seems happy, but that's the real tragedy! Me sheila don't even realize how miserable she is! That's why I gotta nip this thing in the bud."
Cri-Kique squeaked at him even more, jumping up and down.
"This is not about me pedestal!" Pyro said. "This is about Mulan making the biggest mistake of me – I mean, her life! Cri-Kique, I'm gonna break them up!"
Cri-Kique gave him a Say WHAT! Look. Then she gave him a You-have-a-hidden-motive-for-this-don't-you Look.
Pyro ignored her.
(1) – The Green Fairy and Ozzy Osbourne are from Moulin Rouge! See, Ozzy Osbourne was part of The Green Fairy's voice (Kylie Minogue did most of it), at the end of their drunk song where she screams. The wango is from The Princess Diaries.
(2) – COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE AHEM! Just a wee bit of foreshadowing there. No, not in this parody. First I gotta do Redneck Shrek. I've decided not to parody Bring It On. I mean, it would be funny, but I've got other idearrs on my mind, and less rabid plotbunnies. But did ya get the foreshadowing? If ya didn't, go back and read it carefully. It's DISNEY! More importantly, a Disney CLASSIC! A DATE! With JOHN and PIOTR thrown into the mix! Oh yeah, and RAHNE sings cuz I feel like it! I know at least one of you knows what I'm talking about…
(3) – The whole breakfast etc. convo was from the movie Coyote Ugly. Another movie that I'm considering parodying. Maybe AMARTO, cuz I'm thinking about parodying The New Guy for JUBBY.
(4) – X2: X-Men United. Piotr draws a pic exactly like that, only with Bobby and Rogue. It makes me laugh every time I look at it. In fact, it's part of my desktop.
(5) – Friends. That TV show rocketh, I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END!
(6) – Eurgh. I still don't get why some women are willing to go through 10 or 14 childbirths. I personally don't want to go through any. It might have to do with the fact that I had to watch my aunt give birth to my cousin when I was 6. Mind scarring, I tell ya.