..: A Girl Worth Spazzing For :..
I felt bad, so I'm updating again! Simba317, hey, you got the ref! YAY! Even though it was pretty obvious! Yep, I'm going to do The Cajun King after Redneck Shrek! With Johnny-boy as a meerkat and Piotr as a warthog! Oh, and I was going to have the ROMYness go smoothly (well, except for the stuff that happens in the movie), but then heartsyhawk left me a review asking if Rogue would go on a murderistic spree upon finding out that she would be engaged to Remy…and then a plotbunny bit me! So I'm going to let Remy suffer through the rest of this parody and Redneck Shrek because I ish EVIL! Pyro's hidden motive…hehehe. You'll see what it is! EVENTUALLY! PyroManiac, LoLz! Yeah, I'm not saying you're harassing my pants! It's actually this joke me and my friend had. See, we're both in the Dance Ensemble at my school, and for one of the pieces that I was in but she wasn't, I had to wear a pleather leotard, and she was IN LOVE with it! Seriously, she was always stroking it and stuff…when I was wearing it! Pleather may feel nice and all, but trust me, never wear it. Especially for a dance piece to "Start the Commotion" by the Wiseguys. It STICKS to you. Of course, my friend never really had to go through that, so she was always stroking it and stuff. I'd always yell that at her. That and, "STOP TRYING TO GET INTO MY PANTS!" It was funny; once this guy walked by us when I said that and gave us the weirdest look. Good times, man. LoLz.
DISCLAIMER: "That rotten monkey ate a piece of the cake! GIGOLO! Bad Gigolo!"
In Evan's Room AKA The Imperial Palace…
"As we stand here," Evan said. "Mongol forces are moving closer to our border. The threat of attack is growing every day. As it is, our army's hopelessly outnumbered."
"Y'r Spykesty," Remy said. "Let Remy lead Remy's forces in a pre-emptive strike. Each of Remy's warriors will fight like 10 Mongols."
"How about no," Evan said very Dr. Evil-ly. "I plan to defeat this enemy without the use of force. Instead, you will forge a union so strong the Mongol hordes won't dare attack. An alliance with the kingdom of the Brotherhood. We will be united through marriage." Rogue looked shocked. "You will escort three princesses to the Brotherhood House. There, they will wed Lord Slim's sons and seal this critical alliance."
"Yes, y'r Spykesty," Remy said.
"My advisors tell me the charts are clear," Evan continued. "If this wedding does not take place in three days, the alliance will crumble and the Mongols will destroy us." He noticed the look on Rogue's face. "I know that face, Rogue. What's up?"
"An arranged marriage?" Rogue repeated.
"Rest assured, Rogue," Evan said. "My daughters know exactly what they're doing."
"Yoah daughters?" Rogue gasped.
"No, not really, I can't back that up," Evan said.
"Raht, idiot, yes," Rogue said. (1)
"So, Remy, how many troops do you think you'll need to accomplish this mission?"
"T'ree," Remy said.
"Three companies?" Evan asked.
"T'ree men," Remy said.
"…Riiiiiiight," Evan said. "Um, well, you better choose your three soldiers wisely."
"Remy know just de men," Remy said. "Fearless…"
"Loyal…" Rogue said.
"And disciplined," Remy said.
"Chahna's most honorable and noble soldiers," Rogue said.
In Jean's Room AKA The Matchmaker's House…
Bobby (who had recovered from his torture in record time), Ray, and Robbie were all TK'dly shoved out. "And stay out!" Jean yelled. "I've found wives for hundreds of men, but the Gold Dragon of Unity himself couldn't make love matches for you three! Come back when you get personalities!"
"Well!" Ray yelled. "That's a fine way to treat China's greatest-" A jug flew at him and dunked itself onto his head. "-Heroes," Ray finished in a muffled, echoey voice.
"What's her problem?" Bobby said, getting up and dusting himself off. "All I asked for was a girl who would worship the dirt I walk on."
"I just asked for a girl who would cook for me morning, noon, and night," Robbie said.
Ray yanked the jug off his head. "I just wanted a girl who likes to laugh…and thinks I'm a god."
"Digging deep, huh?" Forge said.
"Shut up!" Ray snapped, and burst into song.
(La la la – Ray signing; La la la – Bobby singing; La la la – Robbie singing; if they're combined, they're singing together)
Well, I don't need her
To be all smug and snooty
I got a plaque right here
That says I've kicked Brotherhood booty
We have everything we'd dream we'd find
Since we came back from war
Yeah!
Everything but-
Rahne walked by in a kimono, holding a parasol.
Ray, Robbie, and Bobby all dropped to the ground with a sigh.
A girl worth fighting for!
"Ah know y'all ain' starin' at Rahne lahke that," Sam said.
"Relax," Bobby said.
Hey! Suck in your gut! Bobby punched Robbie in the gut.
There's a girl worth fighting for!
"And I think she wants us to come over!" Ray added. A few feet away, X23 was making tea. Ray launched into daydream phase…again.
My girl will laugh at all my jokes
But tell it to me straight
She'll rub my head when I get sick
And let me pick off of her plate
If Ray can find a girl
Who likes his chopstick nose trick
Ray walked over to X23, stuck her chopsticks up his nose, and wiggled them back and forth.
Ooh, he really better just propose quick
Unsurprisingly, X23 punched Ray in the face.
Ray, Bobby, and Robbie walked into the dining room. Ray started singing again.
Well, I have to say
Based on today, I'm cranky
I'll just spend my life with you two
Pass the hanky
And there's no one there
To steal my chair, Ray yanked a chair out from under Evan's butt.
And twirl around the floor
Evan tried to punch Ray in the face, but Ray ducked, causing Evan to punch Bobby instead. After Kurt, Sam, Lance, and Todd joined in for no apparent reason, it escalated into a whirling cloud of dust and flying hands and feet.
Wish that I had a girl worth fighting for!
I would be true, Ray poked his head briefly out of the dustcloud.
To a girl worth fighting
I'd make fondue, Rob poked his head out.
For a girl worth fighting
I'd even kiss you, Bobby pulled Kurt's head out of the dustcloud too. Kurt punched him.
For a girl worth fighting
Bobby, Robbie, and Ray all got shoved out of the dining room and into the hallway. They looked up to see Remy and Rogue.
For, they finished pretty weakly.
"Rogue! Remy!" they all said in unison.
Remy laughed. "If y' aren' too busy disturbin' de peace," he said. "Remy need y' to join us on a mission."
Bobby jumped up. "I'd be leaving behind a few broken hearts, but count me in!"
"Sign me up!" Ray said.
"When do we start?" Robbie asked.
"Tonight," Remy said.
Later That Night…
Remy, Rogue, Bobby, Robbie, and Ray all stood guard while Tabby, Amara, and Jubes got into the carriage über solemnly, with their faces behind their fans and all. Then, as Jubes climbed in, her shoe slipped off! GASP!
Of course, Bobby ran over and picked it up for her, and they looked into each others eyes and they shared a cosmic moment! Awwww! And then he helped her put her shoe back on, and she went into the carriage, and Bobby ran back over to where Robbie and Ray were standing with a dopey look on his face.
Remy walked up to the carriage. "We're about to depart, y'r Highnesses," he said. "Y' have Remy's word dat we will arrive swiftly and safely."
"My sisters and I thank you, General Remy," Tabby said.
Rogue came walking over with blankets in her arms. "Permit Remy to introduce Howlett Rogue," Remy said.
"It is a privilege to meet the hero of China," Jubes said.
"Remy leave y' in her capable hands," Remy said. "Stand ready!" he called to Bobby, Ray, and Robbie.
"Yah mahght need these," Rogue said. "It's a little chilly."
"Thanks," Tabby said.
"Yah're welcome. So," Rogue said, hopping up into the carriage. "Yah're gettin' married."
"Yeah," Jubes said.
"To princes in tha Brotherhood," Rogue said.
"That's right," Tabby said.
"Well, they must be handsome," Rogue said.
"We don't know," Amara said. "We've never met them."
"Really?" Rouge said. "So you have no idea what they're like at all?"
"It's all right, Rogue," Tabby said. "It's our honor to serve The Spyke."
"And the Middle Kingdom," Jubes added.
"The whole thing is so exciting," Amara said. "We're very happy, really."
"Well, Ah'm glad ta hear that," Rogue said. "Ah'm not sure Ah could go through with somethin' lahke-"
"Rogue!" Remy called. "Prepare to move out."
Rogue hopped down from the carriage. "Tahme to get goin'," she said, closing the door. Tabby, Jubes, and Amara all sighed sadly.
The Next Day…
Rogue and Remy were riding in front of the carriage, and Rogue was looking pretty pouty. Remy noticed. "What's de face?" he asked.
"What face?" Rogue said.
"Dat face," Remy said.
"There's no face," Rogue said. "This is mah face, that's all."
"Y' know Remy know y' better den dat, Rogue," Remy said. "What's wrong?"
Rogue sighed. "Ah realize our duty is to tha mission…"
"But?" Remy prompted.
"But Ah have another duty. To mah heart."
"Chere, y'r only duty is to De Spyke."
"But Remy, an arranged marriage?"
"Remy know," Remy said, "But not everyone can be as lucky as we are. In an ideal world, everyone would marry for love. But de world isn' perfect. Remy's just glad Remy's world is."
"That was so corny," Rogue said.
"It was in de script," Remy said with a shrug.
"Remy's world," Pyro ranted in Rogue's saddlebag. "Talk about selfish. You don't hear me bragging about how it's me world, even though it pretty much is. I'm telling you, Cri-Kique, the sooner I bust 'em apart, the better things will be for Rogue."
Meanwhile, Ray was telling an extremely lame joke to Bobby. Or attempting to, at least.
"And so I said, 'You just broke my best set of China!'" and Ray burst into laughter.
"That joke sucked," Forge said.
"Shut up!" Ray snapped.
Bobby wasn't paying attention to either of them. "Did you see the way she looked at me?" he said dreamily.
"You mean, with disgust?" Ray asked, and he and Robbie started laughing again.
"No!" Bobby snapped, punching Ray. "Our eyes met, and we shared a cosmic moment."
"Just like when I look at potted pig's knuckles," Robbie said. "Actually, that sounds disgusting."
"It's love, I tell ya!" Bobby yelled at Ray, who started laughing…again…
"Okay, WHO GAVE RAY PIXIE STIX?" Forge demanded.
Rahne whistled innocently. X23, standing right next to her, glared at everyone in general.
"Rahne," Forge said. "X23. What. Did. You. Do?"
"Okay, okay, it was us!" Rahne admitted. "But Ray wasn't supposed to drink it!"
"Drink what?" Forge asked. "Wait, do I even want to know?"
"Eh…Mountain Dew, about three dozen Pixie Stix, Cherry Coke, Tab, Prune Juice, Smirnoff Citrus Twist, Jack Daniels, some of Remy's bourbon, lemonade, Gatorade fruit punch, mango nectar, apple juice, white wine, red wine, cheese sauce, pickle juice, pepper juice, tomato mulch, Tabasco sauce, A-1 Steak Sauce, peanut oil, Soy sauce, sweet and sour sauce, Patis, white vinegar, vanilla extract, unsweetened cocoa, French coffee, milk, evaporated milk, soy milk, condensed milk, a few jalapeno peppers, Heneiken, Bud Lite, Miller Lite, Strawberry Caprisun, Sunny Delight, chicken broth, Hawaiian Punch, salt, pepper, garlic, garlic sauce, liquidated butter, chocolate frosting, Root Beer, Diet Pepsi, yogurt, Go-Gurt, carrot juice, ginger ale, Starbucks Caramel Frappucino, peaches, onions, cough syrup, Maraschino Cherry sauce, Listerine, and some Pepto Bismol," Rahne rattled off at a speed that would make Pietro jealous.
"Right, I didn't want to know," Forge said.
"So, we were going to dump it on Bobby with this trap X23 made," Rahne continued. "Only…"
"What?" Forge asked exasperatedly.
"It was in a paint bucket!" X23 yelled. "Who drinks out of a paint bucket?"
Forge glanced over to where Ray was giggling like an insomniac on speed and involuntarily spazzing every few seconds. "Apparently, Ray," Forge said.
"Hey, it looked like strawberry ice cream!" Ray said. "Although it did taste like the sweat from Robbie's socks."
"…Okay, really didn't need to hear that," Forge said. "And why would you know what Robbie's sock sweat tastes like?"
"Truth or Dare Night," Ray said with a giggle. "Or was it Never Have I Ever Night? Spin the Bottle Night? Dare or Double Dare Night? Twister Night?"
"Ah, Twister Night," Bobby said with a dreamy look on his face.
"Aren't you supposed to be swooning about you and Jubes sharing a cosmic moment?" Robbie asked Bobby.
Ray spazzed again. "Am I going to die?" he giggled.
"Maybe, Ray," Robbie said with complete sincerity. "Maybe."
"Okay!" Ray giggled.
"Okay," Forge said. "We need to get Ray's stomach pumped."
"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" Ray yelled, jumping off the carriage and running away in no general direction, singing the Batman theme. "Na-na na-na na-na na-na BATMAN!" Of course, since he was running in no general direction, he easily ran straight into X23's fist. Seriously. All she had to do was stick it out in front of her, his face flew into it like a magnet or something.
"Okay, we gotta get the poor laddie to the h-o-s-p-i-t-a-l," Rahne said, staring at Ray worriedly.
"I can spell, Rahne!" Ray exclaimed, popping up. "And you are not taking me to Area 51!"
"…Riiiight," X23 said.
"We really gotta find a doctor," Jubes said.
Ray blinked very slowly.
"A d-o-c-t-o-r," Jubes said.
"I CAN SPELL, OKAY?" Ray snapped, then screamed. "CLOWNS? NOOOO! YOU KEEP ME AWAY FROM THOSE CLOWNS!"
"Well, at least it explains his English grades," Beast said.
"Hey, Ray," Bobby said. Miraculously, Ray actually stopped to listen to him. "You know, that strawberry ice cream you ate was 200 calories," he said dead seriously.
"200 CALORIES?" Ray gasped, and promptly threw up into the nearest bush.
"…What just happened?" Forge asked.
"All involuntarily spazzing insomniac-on-speed wannabes are bulimic," Bobby said. "You didn't know that?"
"Ye do?" Rahne asked.
"He would know useless and incredibly obscure knowledge that only comes in handy once every ten billion lifetimes," Amara said.
"But 200 calories is less than half of a typical meal," Tabby said.
"When you have eating disorders, you add an extra zero to everything," Bobby said.
"You're not really bulimic, are you?" Jubes asked Ray, who was now walking back to them sane…for the most part.
"No, throwing up is nasty," Ray said.
"You're not anorexic, are you?" Tabby asked.
"I DO NOT HAVE EATING DISORDERS!"
"D-o-c-t-o-r," Bobby said.
"CLOWNS? WHERE?" Ray gasped, looking around frantically.
"…Okay, then," Forge said. "Back to the parody!"
So Amara, Tabby, and Jubes were sitting in the carriage. Amara was staring out the window. "Wow, Bayville is so big!" Amara exclaimed. "Isn't it beautiful, Jubes?" she asked. "Jubes?" She poked Jubes with her fan.
Jubes started from where she had been staring out her window…at the back of Bobby's head. Riiiight. "Oh! Yes," she agreed. "Beautiful." She closed her window. "Did you see the way he looked at me?" she said dreamily.
"Who? Tabby asked. "The frozen ice prick?"
"Ice prick?" Jubes repeated. "How about no? He's more like a frozen Popsicle, actually." She picked up a pillow and hugged it.
"Either way, it's a sexual innuendo," Ray noted. Both girls stared at her. "What?" she said. "You try reading Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and not notice them!" (2)
"And you were reading Shakespeare…why?" Robbie asked.
"Mr. McCoy's punishment for my English grade," Ray mumbled sullenly.
"You didn't even talk to him," Amara said to Jubes.
"A true romantic can tell," Jubes said.
"In other words, someone who isn't you," Tabby said.
Jubilee threw her pillow at her. "He may be coarse on the outside, but on the inside…"
"He's gross?" Tabby finished.
"I mean under that," Jubes said.
"He smells?" Amara asked.
"I can see past my nose," Jubes said. "Deep down, deep, deep down, way down, there's something." And she went back to hugging the pillow.
Amara giggled. "Tabby, I think she's in love!"
"Oh, no," Tabby said. "There'll be none of that. Remember, Jubes, you're getting married in three days. You gave your solemn oath."
Jubes sighed. "You're right," she said.
Then Remy decided now would be a good time to water the horses.
"We're stoppin' to water tha horses," Rogue said to Tabby, Jubes, and Amara. "Would ya lahke to stretch yoah legs?"
"Are the guard fellows out there?" Jubes asked her from behind her fan.
"Oh yes," Rogue said. "Yah're perfectly safe."
"I think a leg stretch would be very nice," Jubes said, closing her fan, handing it to Tabby, and getting out of the carriage. Tabby glanced at Amara, who just giggled.
Jubes walked over to Bobby, who was setting up food on a mini table. Then he dropped a cup and crawled under the table to get it. "Thanks for helping me with my shoe," she said.
Bobby tried to get up, obviously forgetting that the table was directly beneath him. "Ow!"
"What's your name?" Jubes asked.
Bobby stood up, effectively knocking everything on the table up into the air. "Now! Dow! Cow!" he yelled as he caught the food very Peter Parker-esquely. He held out one of the plates to her. "Bao?" he offered.
"No thanks," Jubes said. "It must be exhausting guarding us day and night," she added as she righted the table and put the cup on it.
"No," Bobby said. "Well, yes," he admitted as he put the food back on the table. "But I'm strong, and marching."
"I suppose all that training does make it second nature," Jubes said.
"But I think you and princesses with…" Bobby trailed off. "Oh, I could never."
"But it is our duty and our honor," Jubes said. "Although it can be a burden. Oh, I've said too much. You're very easy to talk to, Bobby," Jubes said.
"Permit me to echo your praise, Your Highness," Bobby said. "I find your presence engaging and your conversation sparkling."
"Thanks," Jubes said, blushing.
"Okay, that was the worst flirting ever!" Ray said.
"SHUT UP!" Bobby and Jubes yelled.
Meanwhile, Amara was picking pears. "You know," she said. "I'm not the hugest fan of pears."
"Deal with it!" Forge said.
"Touchy," Amara muttered, then went to grab a pear that was just out of her reach. Of course, she couldn't reach it, and was stuck jumping up and down futilely reaching for it.
"Um…Robbie?" Forge asked after a minute. "Aren't you supposed to be helping her? Robbie? Hello-o?" He waved his hand in front of Robbie's face. It did nothing whatsoever to change the expression on Robbie's face, who had his mouth hanging wide open and was drooling. "DACOSTA!" Forge yelled right into Robbie's ear.
Robbie fell over. "What was that for?" he demanded. Forge pointed at Amara, who was still jumping for the pear, and Robbie immediately went back to his drooling stupor. Forge rolled his eyes and shoved Robbie at Amara. Then Robbie decided to show off and, instead of picking Amara up, powered up and picked up the tree instead, leaning it over so Amara could grab about a dozen pears. "Aw, my hero," she said.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Forge said.
"Ditto," Tabby said, who was watching them from behind a tree. Then Ray popped up in front of her.
"Hey! What's up?" he said. "I'm Ray."
"I'm Tabitha," Tabby said. "Badda Bing, Badda Boom!"
"Less Boom Boom," Forge said. "More cold shoulder."
They both ignored him. "Well," Ray said. "If you ever need me, just give me a bing-a-ling!"
"…Yeah, that just doesn't work with you two," Bobby said. "And…that just didn't sound right."
"Someone's been watching too many Friends eps," Jubes said. (3)
Bobby started crying. "I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END!" he wailed.
Jubes rolled her eyes and smacked him upside the head.
"…Ow."
Tabby, meanwhile, rolled her eyes at Ray's lame joke. "Oh, come on," Ray said. "You don't want to let your guard down! Get it? Guard…down!" he laughed, pointing at himself.
"Yep," Tabby said to Rahne. "That nasty potion of yours is still in full effect."
Ray continued. "You know, I've got some blue blood myself," he said. "In fact, many have called me a royal pain!" And he laughed some more.
Tabby ran for it.
"Tabby, look at all the fruit I picked!" Amara exclaimed as they walked back to the carriage. "Robbie got it for me."
Tabby rolled her eyes. "Just get your pomegranates into the carriage," she said, following Amara in.
Jubes paused as she saw Rogue reloading the carriage, and walked over to her. "Rogue?" she asked.
"Yeah, sugah?" Rogue said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Jubes said. "I just wanted to compliment you. You were so brave to take Logan's place in the army."
"Oh," Rogue said. "Well, thank yah."
Jubes continued. "Your duty was to stay at home, but your heart told you to break the rules. How did you decide between duty and heart?"
"Well, it wasn' easy," Rogue said. "Wait. Are yah kiddin' meh? It was a piece of cake!"
Forge coughed.
"Ah mean, but by followin' mah feelin's, Ah wound up doin' tha raht thang. Ah guess Ah learned that mah duty is to mah heart."
"My duty is to my heart," Jubes repeated. "That makes sense! That's marvelous! Thanks, Rogue!" she said, running back to the carriage.
"Yah're welcome," Rogue called. "Ah think."
Later…
"MUWAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHA – (cough gag wheeze)!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Pyro turned around. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "GET OUT OF ME LATER!"
(1) – What is it with me and Austin Powers references? Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
(2) – Seriously, the first three pages are nothing but sexual innuendos. And I only recently found out that Shakespeare was bi. Seriously, he was. The "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" sonnet was written for a DUDE. And his marriage to Anne Hathaway (not the one from The Princess Diaries, the one in Elizabethan times!) was apparently loveless, or at least an unhappy marriage.
(3) – Oh. My. God. Hahahahahahaha! Remember Janice? Yeah, she always used to call Chandler her little bing-a-ling. Ahem.
Um…yeah. Just what is Pyro up to? Or am I just putting those things in to laugh at Pyro laugh? Why am I asking questions that I already know the answer to? Why aren't you reviewing?