..: Singing, Sabotage, and All-Around Stupidity :..
Still more updating! Three chappies in one day! Well, under 24 hours, if you live 3+ hours ahead of the West Coast.
Oh. My. Rob. I am SO sorry, EE's Skysong! Okay, this is getting seriously scary. Creepy and scary. Yeah. Wow…um…wow. I SO didn't mean to do that! I did it AGAIN! Oh my gosh, this is like, what, the third time? Dude, I am SO sorry. Tagficcing it would be fun, actually! Or you could just do it, whichever. Um, you could do Anastasia, though, go ahead. Seriously, there are SO many rabid plotbunnies trying to get me parody different movies. Here's a list:
Shrek (RAHM, but I've already given in to that one)
Without a Paddle (slight ROMY, slight KIOTR, starring the Acolytes)
10 Things I Hate About You (……no clue)
Not Another Teen Movie (X-IETRO…if I'm asking for a death wish)
Coyote Ugly (AMARTO)
The New Guy (JUBBY)
Harry Potter (?)
X-Men: The Movies (Rogue will kill me)
Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events (hm, actually no shippies there)
So um…yeah. Let's tagfic The Lion King! It'll be fun! Oh, but you can The New Guy if you want. Ick…Kurt getting his dick broken…I'm laughing already. I can think up something else for a JUBBY, no worries! I GOT IT! 10 Things I Hate About You! JUBBY and JONDA! Except now I need an asshole that both of them could have dated…and Pietro's out of the question! DAMN! …Wait for it…it'll come…where's a plotbunny when you need one? HA! SCOTT! He's got the car and money backer for it!See, these things happen to me every day. Muni and ferry rides give me too much time to think up crazy idearrs.
Oh, and btw, since the only ones I've given some seriously serious thought to are Shrek, 10 Things, I Hate about You, and the X-Men Movies, feel free to pick one up and run with it! That applies to everyone!
DISCLAIMER:
"Blaine Larson is HOT!"
"Blaine Larson sounds like a 30 YEAR-OLD MAN!"
Pyro decided now was the perfect time to put "Operation: Remy" into action. He saw them fishing. Wait for it…wait for it…
"An idea!"
Rogue had just cast her line, and Remy shook his head. "Watch dis," he said. Pyro snuck up behind him and put the hook around his belt so that when he cast his line, he ended up pulling his shirt over his head and falling over into the stream. A fish popped up out of his shirt and Rogue caught it. "Nahce catch, Swamp Rat," she said, and they both laughed.
Pyro growled and clenched his little hands into fists. Then he came up with another idea and scampered off.
Remy was now saddling his horse. Pyro ran up on the other side and unbuckled the strap. When Remy got on, his saddle immediately slid so that he was now riding his horse upside down. When Rogue noticed this, she immediately did the same thing and…gave him a kiss?
Pyro fainted right then and there.
Then he recovered in record time to carry out his next prank.
Pyro stuck a handful of worms down the back of Remy's shirt. He jumped up and hopped around, hopelessly trying to get the worms out. Rogue got up to help him just in time to trip over and land on him as Remy knocked over a dead tree. They ended up laughing…again.
For the next hour or so, Rogue saw Remy run by her with a beehive on his head and the bees in hot pursuit; run away from a bear; and run away from…furry woodland creatures? Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Later, Remy was lighting a fire for cooking a chicken when the probability of him accidentally charging the matchbox just "happened" to change to 1:1.
Rogue heard an explosion and turned around to see an ash-covered Remy plastered against the edge of the tent. He pulled himself off the tent just in time to catch the falling chicken. Rogue pulled off a drumstick and tasted it. "Mmm, tasty," she said, and the two laughed…yet again.
Later…
Pyro was moping. "I try and I try," he said to Cri-Kique, who was munching happily on a pea. "I put me heart and soul into busting them up and what do I get from it?"
Cri-Kique swallowed her pea and laughed at him.
"A Cri-Kique laughs in me face," Pyro finished. He banged his head repeatedly against one of the carriage's wheels. "I can't do this anymore! Great ancestors, I throw meself at your mercy!" he exclaimed, throwing himself to the ground dramatically.
Cri-Kique laughed at him some more.
"Shut up, sheila!" Pyro yelled, throwing a rock at her. Except instead he ended up totally missing and knocked loose the rock holding the carriage in place. Look, there goes the carriage! Everyone wave goodbye, now!
Oh yeah, um, Tabby, Jubes, and Amara are in the runaway carriage.
"Are we going to die?" Jubes asked.
"Maybe," Tabby said seriously. "Maybe."
"Okay, glad we cleared that up," Jubes said, and they all started screaming.
A little further down the road, Bobby, Ray, and Robbie were all drinking…tea…riiight.
"There is no way they're actually drinkin' tea," Sam said.
"Hey," Bobby said. "It's sake! It counts!"
X23 facepalmed. "You do know what sake is, right?" she asked.
"Yeah, rice wine," Robbie said.
"Why?" Ray added.
"It's Japanese, ye dafties!" Rahne said.
"Um, no it's not," Bobby said.
"Um, yes it is," Rahne said.
"Haven't you ever watched Kill Bill?" X23 asked.
"Yeah," Bobby said. "She ordered sake in Okanawa, Japa…oh."
"Idiots," X23 said.
"Please, let a cart just squish ye all now," Rahne said.
The runaway carriage came hurtling toward them.
"Carriage with their girlfriends in it, close enough," Rahne said happily.
Anyway, Ray and Bobby ended up on either side of the carriage, with Robbie stuck in front. Remy and Rogue rode up, Ray and Bobby helped Jubes, and Amara escape…and Tabby's foot went through the floor of the carriage. When they were ten feet away from the cliff. Nice. Remy and Rogue slung a rope across the front of the carriage, tied each end to their saddles, and the horses and Robbie all dug their heels into the ground, everyone screaming their lungs out.
And then went over the cliff and DIED!
Just kidding. Ray yanked Tabby out of the carriage just in time, and they all (yep, even the horses) landed in the water while the carriage shattered against the rocks.
And everyone was unhurt. "Is everyone alright?" Remy asked, just cuz he had to check.
"I saved the food!" Amara said, gathering up the fruits in the water.
Robbie surfaced underneath her and picked her up. "And I saved you," he said.
"HOW MUCH MORE CORNINESS MUST THERE BE?" Ray exclaimed.
Pyro strolled up to him with a cup of something in his hand. "Drink this, mate," he said, shoving it at Ray. "It'll make it all better, trust me."
Ray squinted at it. "Why is it smoking?" he asked.
"…Internet." (1)
"Oh, okay, that makes sense," Ray said, and downed it.
Meanwhile Bobby was struggling to swim to shore. Okay, so Jubes was carrying him. Okay, so she was in waist-deep. But the point is, it looked adorable. (2)
Later That Night…
Remy was laying out a map and cursing. "Merde! Dere's a mountain pass between here and de Brot'erhood. Wait," he said. "Since when was dere even a hill between here and de Brot'erhood?"
Rogue shrugged.
Remy continued. "It takes us t'rough bandit country, but it's de only way."
"Whah not just follow that river?" Rogue suggested, pointing a river that had also mysteriously appeared.
"Because it's not on de map," Remy said.
"It's bound to go past a town, and where there's a town, there's a road," Rogue said logically.
"Dere's no town on de map, eit'er," Remy said.
"Well, then, maybe we should just forget tha map and wing it."
"We can' wing it. We need a new plan. We have t'ree days. What if we get lost?"
"Then we pull over and ask directions," Rogue said.
"We don' need to ask directions," Remy said. "We have a map!"
"What is it with men and askin' foah directions?" Rogue asked. "And yah're startin' to sound a lot lahke Scott."
"WHAT!"
Rogue and Remy would have probably launched into a huge argument (or a fight. Either way, Remy would have lost) if Bobby hadn't popped up right then and there. "Am I interrupting something?" he asked.
"What is it, Bobby?" Remy asked.
"Scout report," Bobby said, saluting very dorkily. "I found a village and a path to it through the forest."
"A…forest path?" Remy and Rogue said in unison. They both laughed nervously.
"Great," Remy said. "Show us."
Bobby pulled back a few bushes to reveal a village. "See?" he said. "If it were Toad, he would've slimed you."
Right on cue, Todd walked by. "What are you looking at?" he demanded, and slimed Bobby in the face.
Bobby wiped the slime off his face. "See what I mean?" he said.
Rogue and Remy nodded, still rather put-out.
"Now, if you'll excuse me," Bobby said. "I'm off to chop wood with my shirt off!" And he marched off cheerfully. "Oh, by the way, Rogue, you have first watch," he added, and marched off again.
A Few Minutes Later…
Bobby was, indeed, chopping wood with his shirt off. He was halfway through the last one when the axe went dull. He tossed away the axe, grabbed each end, and attempted to pull the log apart.
Instead, he nearly dislocated his arms. So he iced the log and punched it into bits. (3) Jubes sighed dreamily.
"Waste of firewood," Tabby noted, determined to be cynical. Jubes glared at her.
"Excuse me," Ray said to Tabby. "I found your fan. It just needed a little drying out."
"Oh, thanks," Tabby said, taking the fan from Ray.
"Normally I would say 'I'm your biggest fan,'" Ray said, laughing nervously. "Actually, I wouldn't," he added.
Forge coughed and held up a blue lethal-looking…thing.
"I mean," Ray said quickly, "I'll just go away now…again." He walked the long way around the fire, bumping straight into one of the sticks holding the tea over the fire. "Shit! Sorry," he said quickly. "I'll, uh, I'll replace that." He walked away, muttering to himself. "Of course she doesn't like you, you're such a ding-a-ling…I AM NOT A DING-A-LING!"
Tabby stared after him. "He likes you," Jubes said.
"Um, yeah," Tabby said. "Duh."
"And you like him," Jubes added.
"Well, I…appreciate that he's a good soldier," Tabby said. "And that I can see everything through that spandex."
Jubes ignored the last comment to prevent mind-scarring. "How can you do that?" she demanded. "How can you look right at someone, realize you share a special connection, and then-"
"I know where my duty lies," Tabby interrupted Jubes.
"Then…what was up with the whole X-Men to Brotherhood to Flying Solo to X-Men Again thing?" Amara asked.
"Shut up," Tabby said.
Jubes got up and stalked into their tent. Then she poked her head out and threw her fan at Tabby's head. Too bad she missed by three feet.
Inside The Tent…
Jubes was just finishing writing a lame letter to Evan. "And so, oh lame Evan," she said as she wrote, "I cannot complete this mission. I have come to realize that my duty is to my heart."
"What are you doing?" Tabby demanded.
Amara read the letter. "She's running away!" she said.
"Jubes, what are you thinking?" Tabby demanded.
"I can't complete this mission," Jubes said. "I know that now."
"No, I mean, why didn't you ask me to come too?" Tabby demanded.
Forge coughed and held up the blue lethal-looking…thing again.
"Um…why, because Bobby has given you his heart?" Tabby said. "Wow, that sounded really corny."
"No!" Jubes said. "It's not about his heart. It's about mine."
"Selfish," Tabby said. "Jubes, we've discussed this. A princess must make every sacrifice for her country. It's our duty." Jubes burst into tears, and Tabby burst into song.
(La la la – Tabby signing; La la la – Jubes singing; La la la – Amara singing; if they're combined, then they're singing together)
The life of a princess
From her birth is well defined
She must humbly serve her country
Amara ran over and burst into tears for no reason at all.
Play the part she's been assigned
She guards the hopes of her people
Weak and mighty, rich and poor
Who could ever ask for more?
Who could ever ask for…
Who could ever ask for
More?
Jubes burst into song.
I wanna be like other girls
Climb up a tree like other girls can
Jubes grabbed Amara, and they started jumping up and down on a mat.
Just to be free like other girls
Get to be
"Jubes! Amara!" Tabby yelled. They both ignored her.
To slouch when I sit
To eat a whole cake
Feel the sun on my feet
Get dirty
"Not like that, Bobby!" Tabby yelled. "Perv."
Act silly
Be anything I want to be
Dance around
In my underwear
"Actually, I would never do that," Amara said.
"Maybe you forgot about what happened on Dare or Double Dare Night," Tabby said.
"Okay, that was ONE TIME!"
"Should we tell her about what happened on Never Have I Ever Night?" Jubes muttered to Tabby.
"I think it's best that we don't," Tabby said. "She drank a lot of Remy's bourbon."
"It's not our fault she did a lot of things!" Jubes said.
"Yeah, well, at least she doesn't remember the things she did that night," Tabby pointed out.
"Thank Robbie for blackouts," Jubes said.
To run really fast
Get rid of this fan! Jubes yanked away Tabby's fan.
To eat a whole cake
Get crazy
With frosting!
No escorts
No manners
No nursemaids
No worries
No hands folded perfect
Like holding a lily
No…living with Spyke? Tabby tried. They all laughed and started singing together.
I wanna be like other girls
Scrape up my knee like other girls can
Just to be free like other girls
Get to be
Robbie, who had been walking outside with firewood, stopped and listened outside their tent.
To speak for myself
To sing way off-key
Marry someone I've met
Who loves me for me
No escorts
No manners
No nursemaids
No worries
No hands folded perfect
Like holding a lily
No living with Spyke!
I wanna be like other girls
Climb up a tree like other girls can
Just to be free like other girls
Get to be!
And they all collapsed on the mat giggling.
Robbie stopped listening. "Oh," he said with a huge grin on his face, and tiptoed off.
Later That Night…
Pyro snuck into Remy's tent to mess with his head.
"Okay, THAT JUST SOUNDS WRONG!" Ray yelled.
"Shut up, Shakespeare," Forge said.
"She defied you," Pyro whispered to Remy, who was snoring. "She insulted you. Man, she laughed at your map!"
"Remy's map," Remy mumbled sleepily.
"And if she's laughing to your face," Pyro continued, "Then imagine what's she saying behind your back!"
"Remy's back," Remy mumbled.
"She's a loose cannon," Pyro said. "She's out of control! I mean, who's in charge here, mate? You or Rogue? Rogue. Rogue!" And he scurried out of the tent.
Remy shot up. "Rogue!" Then he fell back asleep with a snore.
Outside, Pyro was fixing up four ugly straw life-size puppets. One looked like Rogue, and the other looked like Tabby, Jubes, and Amara…more or less. Then he ran and set them up in front of Remy's tent.
"General Remy?" he said, imitating Rogue's voice. "General Hardhead, that's what they should call him. "Everythang's gotta have a strategy."
Remy opened one eye. "Chere?"
Pyro went on. "He woan even brush his teeth without a backup plan."
"Remy know y're talkin' 'bout Scooter dere," Remy said.
At The Brotherhood House…
Lord Slim aKa Scott had finally finished throwing a hissy fit over being kicked out of his own house and into the now-abandoned Brotherhood's and had decided to brush his teeth. He started up the stairs.
"Wait," he said. "Is my toothbrush and toothpaste up there?"
"Yeah," he answered himself. "I unpacked the toiletries first." He started up the stairs again.
"Wait." He stopped again. "What if the bristles break?"
He fished around in his pockets and pulled out a portable toothbrush, bristles intact. "Okay, I'm good."
He took one step and stopped. "Is there enough toothpaste left?"
He pulled his portable toothpaste, tube still unopened. "Okay, okay, so that's good."
"Wait! What if the water gets shut off while I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth?"
He ran down to the fridge and yanked out a bottle of Snapple Iced Tea.
"Okay, I've got everything," he said determinedly, and walked up the stairs like a hero walking into battle.
Back…Wherever They Are…
"Ah blame mahself," Pyro said, still imitating Rogue. "Ah fell foah those broad shoulders. Ah didn' realize there wasn' much sittin' on top of them. Oh, except foah that nasty breath. Ah know he loves spahcy food, but can' he brush his teeth every now and then? That mate sure can peel paint!" Pyro clapped a hand over his mouth, realizing he had said the last sentence in his regular Aussie accent. He sped off with the puppets.
Remy ran out of his tent, wearing only black boxers with cards on them.
"Verrrry nice," Tabby said, taking a few dozen pictures.
Remy seemed not to notice her. "Where is she?" he demanded, stalking off to find Rogue.
She was on first watch, just like Bobby said she was. "Rogue!" Remy yelled.
Rogue was in a relatively good mood. "What's tha matter, sugah?"
"General Hardhead? Brushin' Remy's teeth?" Remy demanded.
Rogue was confused. "Are yah…talkin' about Scott?" she asked.
"Remy heard y', Rogue," Remy said. "Every single word." He suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Every word of what?" Rogue asked.
"Remy saw y' outside his tent!" Remy said.
"What?" Rogue said. "Ah haven' left mah post."
"And Remy supposed y' weren' gossipin' about Remy wit' de NR filles," Remy said.
"…Whah are you coverin' yoah mouth?" Rogue said.
"Remy wouldn' want to peel y'r paint!" Remy snapped, stalking away.
"…Wow," Rogue said. "Nevah though Ah'd see tha day."
"Changing of the guard," Bobby said, walking up to Rogue. "Aw, man! Why do I keep just missing these things? What's with him?" he asked Rogue, jerking a thumb at Remy's retreating back.
Rogue growled very Logan-esquely and stalked off in the opposite direction.
"What's with her?" Bobby asked. "Who am I talking to?"
In Rogue's Tent…
"How could he not believe meh?" Rogue demanded to Pyro.
"I dunno, sheila," Pyro said. "But I do know this. Without trust, there can be no relationship. That's why Wanda always takes all me lighters away whenever we go camping," he added.
"Yah doan go campin'," Rogue pointed out.
"…Well, if we did, she would," Pyro said cheerfully. "But the point is, me old mate doesn't seem to trust you."
"Maybe he was just confused," Rogue said.
"Oh, please," Pyro said. "You fussed about the arranged marriage. You fought about which way to the Brotherhood. Now you're feuding over nothing!"
Rogue sighed. "Yah're raht," she said. "Wait. Pahro's raht?"
Forge shrugged.
Rogue rolled her eyes. "Pahro, Ah doan know what ta do."
"I do!" Pyro said cheerfully. "Set his boxers on fire!" He thought for a moment. "Actually, that would reveal way too much of him."
Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.
"I mean," Pyro said. "Drop him like a hot pot sticker. Mmmm, pot stickers…where was I? Oh yeah! Let me burn his letters! And you can dance around the fire screaming, 'Happy days are here again!'"
"Fahre obsession aside, yah do have a point," Rogue said. "If this is tha real Remy LeBeau, Ah doan lahke what Ah'm seein'."
(1) – Fairly Odd Parents.
(2) – My friend's little cousin actually considers that swimming. Making paddling motions while a swim instructor is holding you in waist-deep water. Oh yeah. That's swimming.
(3) – À la Retreat. Ya know, with the gun.
Oh, and with the whole Blaine Larson thing (in the Disclaimer), Blaine Larson is a 19 year-old country singer, and he sounds 30+ when he sings. Scary, I tell ya.
Oh no! Pyro's ruining Rogue and Remy's fake engagement! Is this his evil plan? Or is it something else? Review, please!