..: Amore À la Disney :..
Thanks to EE's Skysong, sunspotmisery, PyroManiac, Swamp Rat's Chere, psychobunny410, Catfan900, and simba317 for reviewing! PyroManiac, the purpose of the blue-lethal looking…thing shall be revealed in due time. Which means, I have no clue when. Swamp Rat's Chere, hm, Miss Congeniality…hm…STAY BACK, RABID PLOTBUNNIES! Psychobunny410,EE's Skysong and I are gonna tagfic it! Teehee. Sowwies about the script stuff (stupid FanFic…grr…). Yeah, it's in the X-Mansion…cuz I feel like it. But they're kicked out now. And the idea for Scott and the brushing his teeth came to me when I was watching Dodgeball. Cuz in the beginning when LaFleur gets his water shut off, he brushes his teeth with Snapple. I was all, "EW!" Simba317, ANGSTY? WHAT? Pleez. I can't do angsty. Not unless it's prewritten for me, and even then, I'll have someone pop in with a snide comment. Yeah. I know, the Emperor's über old! But like, I dunno, maybe he had some fun with his royal concubines or something. Euch. Dude, I actually forgot that ending of the movie, seriously. My bad, man! As for Pyro's ulterior motives…that is for me to know and you to not! Actually, I'll probably reveal it at the end of this ficcie, when the bet's over. Dude, I know! The whole thing with Tabby/Ting Ting and Ray/Ling. It bugged me so much! I saw the movie, and I was like, "Shit." But Tabby is working on her acting skills. Yeah. 10 Things I Hate About You will actually be a JONDA and JUBBY, with a little a little bit of TABAY. Cuz I've done enough ROMYs, andEE's Skysong and I are going to be doing The Cajun King, too, anyway. Plus I need to do a JONDA, and they fit! Pyro's crazy to be Patrick, and Wanda's…scary…enough to be Kat. Oh, and it's JUBBY cuz…I felt like torturing Bobby, I guess. And TABAY cuz I've already started the Shakespeare thing, so why not manipulate it? Plus, it'd be funny to watch Scott draw a dick on Ray's face. Ooh! But help me come up with a title! Seriously, I need a title.
DISCLAIMER: "That's a STUNT! With a BOY!"
Bobby, Robbie, and Ray were marching around outside…until Tabby, Jubes, and Amara walked out. "I hope the sake's still warm," Jubes said. Amara coughed pointedly. "Oh, right."
"What?" Ray yelled. "That's sake?"
Tabby nodded solemnly.
Ray started to run through the bush, then stopped and remembered The Plan. "After you," he said to Bobby.
"No, after you," Bobby said to Robbie.
"No, after you," Robbie said to Bobby.
"After you," Ray said to Bobby.
"I said, 'After you,'" Bobby said to both of them.
"Actually," Forge said, "Ray and Robbie said 'after you' to Bobby more than anyone said 'after you' to Ray or Robbie."
"…What does that mean?" Bobby asked.
Robbie picked Bobby up easily (despite the fact that the sun had gone down hours ago) and hurled him through the bush.
Bobby popped up. "You son of a-"
"Bobby!" Jubes yelled. "I don't want Jamie learning any more words from you!"
"I didn't teach him those words!" Bobby said.
Jamie came walking up to them. "Ray," he asked. "Do you really throw bones at cats?"
"What?" Ray said.
"Well, cuz Bobby said once that you were just a horny prick obsessed with furburgers and boning pussies," Jamie said. "…Does that mean you like eating moldy hamburgers? Wait," he said. "Maybe he might have been talking about Evan…" He walked away, still confused.
There was a pause. Then –
"BOBBY!"
Bobby was then scorched by Jubes and Tabby, burned by Amara, nearly had his arm torn off by Rahne, tossed into a mini twister and zapped by lightning by Storm, received a severe ass-kicking from Kitty in stilettos (1), hexed repeatedly into the ground headfirst by Wanda, severely shocked by Ray, and zapped by Rogue. He also would have been sliced-n-diced by X23, but considering Jubes didn't want to actually kill her boyfriend (or maim him for life, or disable him from having children), she didn't. Jean probably would have used her TK/TP on him, if it weren't for the fact that she was making out with Scott at the BoM. (2)
However, he was healed by Divine Intervention, only because they were in the middle of a scene.
"You see," Bobby said, spitting out a few teeth (that immediately regrew) and embarking on a ridiculously extravagant lie, "Robbie here has always had a dream."
"A dream?" Amara asked.
"A dream?" Robbie asked dubiously.
"A dream," Bobby repeated solemnly.
"But I don't-" Bobby punched him in the stomach. "Ow! …Oh, that dream."
"A dream of seeing a small village in the middle of nowhere by the moonlight," Bobby said.
"How can we help?" Amara asked eagerly.
"Well," Bobby said, "If Your Highnesses would consent to come with us to the village, we could still guard you, and Chien-Po could have his dream.
"My one chance to be like other guys," Robbie said dramatically.
"You know," Ray said, "You get that chance just about every time the sun sets."
Robbie punched him.
"Let's go!" Tabby said.
Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.
"I mean, sounds like fun," Tabby said quickly in a monotone voice.
Back In Rogue's Tent…
"Ah nevah noticed we were so different," Rogue ranted. "It's lahke Ah doan even know him."
Pyro, who was getting pretty bored, noticed the NRs (minus Rahne, Sam, and Jamie, because they're not in this parody – well, Jamie's not till later) sneaking off. "Well," he said. "Whaddya know about that?"
Rogue didn't even notice. "Ah mean, Ah know he's 'bah tha book' – Wait. Am Ah talkin' about Remy or Scott?"
"Just go with it," Forge said.
Rogue sighed, but continued. "But doesn' tha man ever bend a rule?"
"And, speaking of bending rules," Pyro said.
"Yah know," Rogue said, "Relationships are easy when everything runs nahce and smooth…yeah, and healthy relationships nevah are."
"It's Disney," Forge said. "According to them, true love comes at first sight, it's based entirely on outward appearances, and no two women wear the same size shoe."
"Good point," Rogue said.
"Oh, by the way," Pyro said. "The unimportant-X-Kids-reserved-for-lame-cameos just ran out of camp."
"WHAT!" Rogue demanded.
"Say, did you know that almonds, rice, and milk are part of a complete breakfast?" Pyro asked.
"Pahro…" Rogue said warningly. "…What do yah mean, lame cameos?"
"They only have a few eps in which they really shine," Pyro explained patiently.
Rogue still looked confused.
Pyro sighed and began a list. "Bobby: Retreat and Under Lock and Key. Although the latter is just as a tribute to the original X-Men team. Jubes: Uh…Joyride…sort of. And somewhat Mindbender. Robbie: Retreat. Maybe Ascension Part II. Amara: Walk On The Wild Side, Day of Reckoning Part I, Cruise Control. Okay, so she has three. Ray: Day of Recovery, X-Treme Measures, and that huge power-up in Ascension Part II. With the even huger meltdown. And the first two are only because of his ex-affiliation with the Morlocks. Although, come to think of it, if he hadn't, then there would be no New Recruits, considering Bobby'd be made part of the team. Tabby: Badda Bing Badda Boom, Walk On The Wild Side, Day of Reckoning Part I, Cruise Control, and somewhat Ascension Part II. She actually has the most," Pyro added thoughtfully.
"What's yahr point?" Rogue asked.
"I'm just trying to tell you the NRs went AWOL," Pyro said.
"They're together?" Rogue said. "Together together?"
"…Yeah."
Rogue ran out of the tent and off down the road.
"Hey, what about Remy?" Pyro asked.
"Ah think Ah bettah handle this one on mah own," Rogue said. "He's on a short fuse as it is. Just make sure nothin' wakes him up."
"You can count on me," Pyro said.
Ten Seconds Later…
Pyro was walking up and down Remy's unconscious body wearing a bell hat and three different sized cymbals, and blowing a whistle.
And Remy still hadn't woken up.
So Pyro walked right up to his head and clashed the two biggest cymbals right next to his ear.
Hey! He actually woke up! And ran out of his tent with his bo staff drawn! "Hey!" he said. "Where are de guards?" Then he gasped. "De NR filles!" He ran into their tent…and tripped over a jar that happened to have Jubes's lame letter in it. He picked up the letter. "M' duty is to m' heart?" he read. He ran over to Rogue's tent. Yep! Empty! "Rogue," he said.
Someone's P.O.'d!
At That Village…
The NRs were walking around with stunned expressions on their faces. Well, the girls were, anyway. "Wow!" Amara said. "Look at all the food!"
That happened to be exactly what Robbie was thinking. He walked right up to the nearest stall and started sniffing the food.
Rahne, the shopkeeper, glanced at him oddly. "Do ye mind, laddie?" she said.
Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.
"I mean, we just got in some excellent ginger," Rahne said quickly. (3)
Robbie sniffed the ginger. "Ginger goes well with dumplings," he said.
"Did you say dumplings?" Amara asked, holding out a packet of dumplings.
"How about some fresh ginseng?" Rahne said, holding out a platter of ginseng.
"That makes a wonderful accompaniment to soybeans," Robbie said. He sniffed. "…I miss Soy!" (4)
Amara took a step back. "Um…want some soybeans?" she asked, offering him some soybeans.
"…That works, too," Robbie said cheerfully, and ate a soybean.
Then they started making out.
"Oh, come on!" Sam said. "This is a kids' movie!"
"Yeah, but the fic's rated T," Rahne pointed out. She sniffed warily at a soybean. "Since when were these things aphrodisiacs?"
"Maybe it was the whole thing with Soy," Jubes said. "What with the 'I'm que va a abrir la lata de a de WHOOP ASS!' and being the only two people besides Rogue and Renee noticing Ray dying and cockroach roundup and getting shitfaced drunk and passing out and Soy freaking out (not like he could notice, being unconscious) and then Soy passing out and using up all the aspirin and not giving any to Soy and throwing ice at him and watching Soy get catapulted across the room from a Bastille Day Cannon – Vive la revolution! Et la vie de bohem! (5) – and then attacking the Bastille Day Guy." Jubes thought for a moment. "Actually, Renee was a lot more fun."
"Renee wore nothing but a Speedo," Bobby said.
"And you noticed?" Jubes demanded, shocked.
"It's kinda hard not to notice when there's a French guy who looks a helluva lot like Remy with abs nicer than Robbie's!" (6) Bobby said. "Wow, that sounded gay."
"You've been hanging around JP too much," Jubes said. "He's really rubbed off on you."
"That does NOT sound right!" Ray yelled.
"SHUT UP, SHAKESPEARE!" Jubes yelled back.
"He actually is quite a perv," Tabby noted, her nose buried in Romeo and Juliet. "Honestly. How many people call their sword a naked weapon?"
"…Riiiiiight," Rahne and Sam said, both very confused. (7) "But what does Soy have to do with soybeans being an aphrodisiac?" Rahne asked.
Jubes shrugged. "Maybe Robbie was secretly in love with Soy."
Robbie paused in making out with Amara. "I am as straight as Bobby, thank you very much!"
"…So you're as crooked as a lightning bolt?" Jubes asked.
Robbie stared at her. "Isn't he your boyfriend?"
"He's also a homophobe," Jubes pointed out. "And you know the theory behind homophobes…well, some of them, anyway."
"Well, then…I'm as straight as Sam!"
"No, there are actually some Sam/Robbie fics out there," Jubes said.
Sam and Robbie both shuddered. "The point is," Robbie said, "I'M NOT GAY!"
"Jeez, don't gotta overreact," Jubes said, grabbing Bobby and walking off.
JUBBY…
Bobby and Jubes were walking by a wrestling match, where Todd had just finished beating up Paul.
Pietro held up Todd's hand. "Who will be next to challenge the undefeated Todd Tolensky?" he called out. "…Okay, 'undefeated' and 'Todd Tolensky' do NOT belong together in a sentence!" (8)
"Ooh!" Jubes said, obviously interested. Bobby noticed.
"Step aside!" Bobby yelled, shoving aside all the other challengers lined up.
"Oh no," Jubes said. Todd jumped at Bobby and squashed him flat.
"Okay, that's just pathetic," Jubes said.
And then Bobby picked Todd up and threw him into a horse trough.
"He only beat Todd," Jubes said.
Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.
"My hero," Jubes said dryly.
"I'll win you a panda bear," Bobby offered.
Jubes thought for a moment. "Acceptable," she said.
And he actually did win Jubes a panda bear! Guess playing Mutantball really paid off.
TABAY…
Tabby and Ray were at a firecracker stall, and Ray was trying – yet again – to tell her a joke. "Okay, how about this one," he said. "What does Attila say when he walks through the door? 'Hun, I'm home!'" And he started cracking up again.
"I am going to kill John for whatever he gave Ray," Tabby said.
No you can't, I still need to do a JONDA!
Tabby glared.
I'll include some TABAY. (9)
"Fine," Tabby said.
Ray had finally noticed that Tabby wasn't laughing. "I give up," he said. "I'M NOT THE FUNNY TYPE!"
Then four fireflies settled on a string of firecrackers right next to him. And they set off the firecrackers. Ray did a funny little spazz dance as they blew up next to his head.
And that was the last straw for Tabby. She started laughing at him. And snorting.
"Um…" Ray said. "Nice laugh."
"It's called acting, Ray," Tabby said.
"Oh," Ray said. "I thought you were just some weird person with no sense of humor."
"No sense of humor?" Tabby demanded. She walked over to the firecracker stall and did the Chopstick Nose Trick.
"Hey!" Ray said. "That's my Chopstick Nose Trick."
"Yeah, but it's cuter when a girl does it," Tabby said.
"…Fair enough."
Aw, How Romantic…
The NRs were standing on a bridge, staring at the moon. For some reason, Pyro was rowing by in full Italian Boat-Rowing Dude regalia (10), singing. "Wheeeeeen theeeee moon's in the sky like a big pizza pie that's AMOREEEEEE!"
For their sanity, the NRs were ignoring him.
"It's so beautiful," Jubes said.
"Yeah," Bobby agreed.
"It's the same moon we see from the mansion," Tabby said.
"No, this one's entirely different," Amara said.
"Amara, that's because you're looking at a lily pad," Robbie said.
Tabby slapped him upside the head. "Way to kill the moment!" she snapped.
"Ah agree."
The NRs gasped and whirled around to see…Rogue! GASP!
"Oh, shit!" Ray said.
"Ah'm listenin'," Rogue said.
"Rogue, it's love!" Jubes exclaimed. "Me and Bobby, Amara and Robbie-"
"And me and Ray-Ray Bear!" Tabby said. "I mean, Ray."
Ray flinched. "Please don't call me that," he said.
"Don't call you Ray?" Tabby asked. "Okay, Ray-Ray."
Rogue glared at them.
For ten whole seconds.
"Ah give up," she said. "It's a Disney movie, let's pretend this could actually work out." And they all had a BIG GROUP HUG AWWW.
Well, until Remy came stalking up to them, looking very P.O.'d.
"Oh, shit," Bobby, Ray, and Robbie all said in unison.
"Remy's so sorry to break up y'r little party," Remy said.
"Remy, befoah yah jump ta conclusions, let meh explain," Rogue said.
"Fine!" Remy said, pulling out Jubes's lame letter. "Why don' we start wit' dis?"
Jubes gasped. "That's mine!"
"All yours," Remy said, "Or did y' have help? 'And so, oh lame Evan, I cannot complete dis mission. I have come to realize dat m' duty is to m' heart.' Now, who does dat sound like?"
Bobby thought for a moment. "Actually, it sounds like Remy," he said. "Only in first person."
"Well, right now Remy's got to act like Scooter," Remy said with a scowl.
"People are going to start thinking you're a long-lost Summers," Tabby said, shaking her head.
The Next Day…
Everyone was pretty much in a bad mood. Remy was insulted over the long-lost Summers comment, Tabby was disappointed in Remy acting like such a Scooter, Amara was still slightly unnerved about Robbie's little Soy outburst, Jubes was mad that Remy had to read the lame letter out loud, Robbie was a little out of it from sniffing all that food, Ray was trying to figure out a way to get Tabby to stop calling him Ray-Ray, Bobby was still very bruised and battered from the ass-kicking he had gotten, and Rogue was mad at Disney in general.
So Pyro was the only one in a good mood. Well, he typically is always in a good mood. Having a short attention span and an obsession with fire would keep most people in a good mood, anyway.
But that seemed to put Remy in an even worse move, and he banned Bobby, Ray, and Robbie from talking to Tabby, Jubes, and Amara, and vice-versa.
Then Ray came up with an incredibly lame idea, probably due to having ingested Rahne and X23's special potion, Pyro's special potion, reading Shakespeare, and undergoing a brief stint of hyperactive bulimia. "I sure wish we could talk to the girls, Bobby," he said in an unnecessarily loud voice.
"We can't, remember?" Bobby said.
"Yeah," Ray said, still in a REALLY loud voice. "But if I could talk to them, do you know what I'd say?"
Bobby finally caught on. "No, Ray," he said in an equally obnoxiously loud voice. "What would you say if only you could?"
"I'd tell Tabby that she's the prettiest, funniest, most extraordinary girl I've ever met," Ray yelled.
"Under different circumstances, I might have been slightly flattered," Tabby said.
"I would tell Amara that she is like fresh ginger on the rice bowl of my life," Robbie yelled, squinting at a piece of paper he was reading off. "How is rice anything like life?"
"Your line, not mine," Bobby said unconcernedly. "And I would tell Jubes that she's one right babe."
"You guys really need to work on how to compliment a girl," Jubes said.
"IT'S DISNEY!" all three boys yelled.
"Good point," Amara said. "I mean, the only movie where the girl actually asked if there was anything else he liked about her besides her looks was The Swan Princess."
"Yeah, but she still fell madly in love with him despite the fact that he totally dissed her," Tabby said.
"Her best friend was a frog!" Jubes said. "With Cinderella, it's mice. With Sleeping Beauty, it's furry woodland creatures and fairies who can't cook. With Snow White, it's midgets."
"Dwarves," Amara put in.
"Whatever," Jubes said. "The point is, all Disney movies are hopeless. Except maybe Pirates of the Caribbean. But the sequels are gonna kill it."
"Amen, sister," Kitty said.
Meanwhile, Remy had just fallen neckfirst off his horse. "Stupid heavy necklace," he muttered. "…It's tryin' to tell Remy somet'in', isn' it?"
Rogue was equally mopey, and Pyro was trying to cheer her up. "Would you like a little pick-me-up, sheila?" he asked, offering her a Chinese to-go box.
"Logan said, 'Differences can make yah strongah,'" she said. "He didn' realahze that Remy and Ah are just too different."
Pyro laughed nervously. "Well, you know you always have me," he said. "The old team, right?"
Rogue smiled sadly. "Yah're always lookin' out foah meh, Pahro," she said.
"Well, I'm just doing the best I can," Pyro said with another nervous laugh.
"Reallah," Rogue said. "Ah just doan know what Ah'd do without yah. Yah're tha best friend Ah've evah had."
Pyro snapped.
"I can't take it any more!" he yelled. "The only thing wrong with you and Remy is me!" he wailed pitifully. "I'm the one that got between you."
"What are yah talkin' about?" Rogue asked. "It's not lahke yah made tha carriage go inta tha river."
"Now, that one was an accident," Pyro admitted. "Following several attempts at 'on purpose.'"
"And it wasn' yah outsahde Remy's tent," Rogue said.
Pyro gulped. "You know me," he said. "Slip of the tongue…"
"And yah woke him up after Ah left?" Rogue demanded.
"It wasn't easy, either!" Pyro said. "That bloke can sleep!"
"Pahro, what did yah do?" Rogue yelled.
"Well," Pyro said. "I was banging pots and pans-"
"No," Rogue interrupted. "What did yah do?"
"You were getting married!" Pyro wailed. "Everything was going to change! I was going to lose you! And me pedestal!"
"Yah mean yah got between Remy and meh so yah could keep yoah job?" Rogue said, stunned.
"I'm sorry!" Pyro said.
"What yah did was unforgivable," Rogue said.
"But…but you and Remy are so different," Pyro said.
"Wait a second," Rogue said. "Not as different as Ah thought. All those problems, they weren' us. They were yah! Ah've got to go talk ta Remy and tell him Ah love him."
"I'll make it up to you, sheila," Pyro said. "I promise."
"Foahget it," Rogue said. "Yah've helped enough. Remy!" she called as she rode up to him. He turned around…
And an arrow slammed into the rock right in front of his face.
…Nice.
(1) – In case you don't know what stilettos are, they're high heels with über thin heels, and I imagine getting kicked with one of those would hurt like crap. They're also painful to walk in, although I've never been stupid enough to wear them to a place where you'd have to be standing/running around for four hours straight. My friend, however, was.
(2) – What is up with me and Bobby torture? (shrugs) Oh well. It's fun! And all the girls beat him up because this is Jamie we're talking about! So cute and adorable! Um, everyone knows what horny, prick, furburgers, pussy, and boning pussies means, right?
(3) – I did not know that was Michelle Kwan until I saw the featurette. I mean, I was wondering what the HECK was up with the whoosing noise and the spin she did, but I didn't know it was her! I know, I know, I'm slow.
(4) – The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die! by EE's Skysong. Funny insanity, I tell ya! Oh, and Soy is this dude in there that speaks only Spanish. Only Robbie the Über-lingual can understand him. Poor Soy.
(5) – Long live the revolution! And the bohemian life! The last sentence is from Moulin Rouge! and it's one of my favvie quotes.
(6) – I dunno if Renee the Sexy Poolboy has abs nicer than Robbie, but, considering he's a poolboy, he probably does. And seriously, Robbie has a friggin six pack or something!
(7) – Rahne and Sam (and Amara) were off on a Spider Quest to regain dancing rights to the Chihuahua Song from Forge, who had sold it to Bob the Mexican. I think they're looking for Bob the Mexican right now. I wouldn't know, EE's Skysong hasn't updated that one in a while…(hint hint)
(8) – I had to pick someone that Bobby could beat.
(9) – Yeah, I'm going to parody 10 Things I Hate About You. Now, before I go any further, am I accidentally stealing anyone's idea? If not, it'll be a JONDA and a JUBBY, with Wanda as Kat, Jubes as Bianca, John as Patrick, and Bobby as Cameron. Oh, and Tabby as Kat's Shakespeare-obsessed friend Mandella and Ray as Bernard! Okay, so his name's really Michael, but the dude who plays him was Bernard in The Santa Clause 1 & 2. Yeah, when I first saw his pic I was like, "DUDE!"
(10) – Yeah, I dunno the name for that, but you know; the red-and-white striped shirt, the flat boat hat, the black pants, and the boats that they stand in and row with a long pole. Yeah.
Ooh, a cliffie! You know, I actually had this done last weekend, I just didn't realize it. Yes, I know, I'm stupid. Sowwies! Review, please!