..: Remy Pulls An Aragorn :..

Thanks to heartsyhawk, psychobunny410, Pyromaniac, EE's Skysong, simba317, and Cat2fat900 for reviewing!

This is the last chappie! Yes, already. Well, except for the post-parody chappie, and read the AN down at the end for info on that. Sowwies it took me so long to update, but I've been sick! I still am, actually, and have no time to go to the doctor. Plus finals are this week…eugh. Ah, well, THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

DISCLAIMER:

"Do you know what sophomore means? A Wise Fool. Do you really want to be that?"

"Well, it's better than being a Man who is Fresh!"

So an arrow slammed right in front of Remy's face. "Sacre bleu!" he yelled.

"It's an ambush!" Rogue yelled.

"No kidding!" Bobby yelled back.

"What's with all the yelling?" Robbie yelled.

"We happen to like yelling, thank you very much!" Jubes screamed.

"Actually, that was a scream!" Ray yelled.

"Way to kill the yelling, Jubes!" Tabby yelled.

"If it's dead, then why are we still yelling?" Amara yelled.

Everyone shrugged.

Then Lance, Pietro, Todd, Fred, Evan, Pyro (who had taken a quick break from playing Mushu), and Sam came sliding down on ropes. "Whah do Ah have ta be a bandit?" Sam demanded.

"Because Bobby would attempt to kill any other guy who carried off Jubes," Forge said. "Keyword: attempt."

"Oh."

In the midst of that conversation, ROMY and the NRs got going while the going was good.

Lance rolled his eyes. "You two," he said to Sam and Pyro, "Get the gold!"

Sam glanced apprehensively at Pyro. "But Ah doan-"

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing. "Goin'," Sam squeaked, and ran after Pyro. Then Lance went after Rogue while Fred and Evan went after Remy.

Needless to say, the fight was over pretty quickly. But Fred probably would've squashed Remy if Evan hadn't nearly shot a spike up his left nostril on accident.

In the meantime, Sam and Pyro had caught up with Jubes, and Sam was trying to yank off Jubes's bracelet. "Ah'm really sorry 'bout this," Sam said to Jubes.

"No problem," Jubes said.

Sam gave another hopeless yank at Jubes's bracelet. "It woan come off!" he said.

"It's got a retardedly complicated clasp," Jubes said.

"Eh, just take the whole thing, mate," Pyro said.

"What?"

Todd and Pietro came running up to them…only to be body-slammed by Robbie and Ray. Then Lance, Bobby, and Remy joined in, and it turned into one ugly catfight.

Tabby, Amara, and Rogue stood off to one side. "Men," Rogue said with a scoff.

"You said it, sistah," Tabby said, filing her nails.

Jubes was equally annoyed. Unfortunately for her, she was stuck in the middle of it. "Hey," she said to Sam, who had just dodged getting elbowed in the face by Remy. "D'you think you could get us out of here?"

"Sure," Sam said, grabbing her around the waist and cannonballing off.

"Hey, wait up!" Pyro yelled, grabbing Sam's ankle. "I want out too!"

Unfortunately for Evan, Sam ended up accidentally slamming him into a wall. Everyone else wisely threw themselves to either side as Sam, Jubes, and Pyro flew through the canyon, Pyro screaming his head off.

Rogue joined Remy in staring after them. "…What just happened?" Remy asked.

Rogue shrugged. "…Shit," she said.

"What?"

"Well, last tahme Ah checked, Sam doesn' know how ta stop with a screamin' pahromaniac attached to his ankle."

"…Dat could be a problem," Remy said.

"Yah think?" Rogue demanded, and they both ran off after the trio.

Amazingly enough, Sam had managed to stop. Well, if you count stopping by grabbing the rope on one of the sides of the bridges, getting yanked forward like a slingshot, and landing facefirst on the bridge. Oh, and knocking out a few planks with his head. Jubes landed on top of Sam. Pyro went flying and landed on the other end of the bridge.

"Y'all okay?" Rogue asked as she and Remy ran out onto the bridge.

"That was fun!" Jubes said, standing up quickly and stumbling. "Wow…shouldn't have stood up fast…"

"Uh…can yah please get off meh?" Sam asked. Jubes realized she was standing on his back and quickly jumped off.

Pyro, who was safely on the other end of the bridge, was inspecting a loop of…something. "Where did this come from?" he asked himself.

Jubes's hand jumped to her left ear. "HEY!" she yelled. "Gimme my earring!"

"Aw, but I wanna see if it's flammable!" Pyro said.

"GIVE IT!"

"NO!"

Jubes got mad and flung a spark thingie at him. However, due to the fact that she was still rather dizzy, she missed by a foot and instead hit one side of the bridge.

The rope supporting that side burned into nonexistence.

"Oops," Jubes said.

Sam freaked and cannonballed out of there, accidentally taking Jubes with him (she had been leaning on him, since she was still dizzy). Likewise, he accidentally left Rogue and Remy behind as the bridge went completely vertical.

Luckily, Rogue managed to grab Remy's wrist and a dangling rope…the only rope that happened to be frayed, and still fraying. "Aw, shit!" Rogue yelled. "Remy, hang on!"

"It won' hold us bot'!" Remy yelled back up at her.

"Yes, it will!" Rogue said.

Another strand of the rope broke.

"Chere," Remy said. "I'm sorry."

"Holy shit, he used first person," Bobby said.

And Remy let go.

"REMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Rogue yelled as Remy fell down and disappeared into the mist. "Way to pull an Aragorn, asshole."

"Pulling an Aragorn?" Amara asked skeptically.

"Pulling an Aragorn: creating a dramatic death, i.e. falling off a cliff, and miraculously discovered alive later," Forge said. "In this case, Remy practically reenacted it. Only Aragorn tumbled off a cliff with a Warg, and Remy dropped off a bridge. But both came out of a river and were rescued by their horses."

"…Riiiiight," Amara said. "What's a Warg?"

"A creepy bearish-wolfish-ishish hybrid that exists in Middle Earth," Tabby said.

"Ohhhhh," Amara said. "…Middle Earth?"

"That place in the one movie with the people with the fetish about a ring," Bobby explained.

"The one with Daveigh Chase?" Amara asked.

"No, that was Lilo & Stitch," (1) Ray said. "The one with the sexy blond elf archer prince. Okay, that sounded gay."

"Oh, you mean the one that Remy sobbed over because the hot guy from the fat pastry House (2) got killed?" Amara said.

"No, that was HPatGoF," John put in helpfully. "And it's still a book."

"Remy had too much eyedrops in his eyes!" Remy yelled. "And it's gon' be a movie soon." (3)

"Aren't you supposed to be pulling an Aragorn?" Forge asked.

"Right," Remy said, and jumped off the bridge again.

"Well," Rogue said cheerfully. "Now that tha Swamp Rat's gone, Ah'm a go marry a complete stranger." And she walked off in the general direction of the Brotherhood house.

The NRs stared. "…What just happened?" Bobby asked.

"I think we're off the hook," Robbie said.

"¡Excelente, mi amigo!" Ray yelled. "Break out the tequila!"

"Actually, Remy took the tequila with him," Jubes said.

"¡Híbrido!" (4)

"Relax, we've still got rum," Jubes said.

"No, Logan took that after Remy stole his stash," Amara said.

"BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?" (5) Bobby yelled.

At Some Random Shallow Riverbank…

John went strolling down to some random shallow riverbank when suddenly… "ME REMY SENSES ARE TINGLING!"

"Are you sure it's not just the bug up your nose?" Forge asked. (6)

Pyro sneezed out said bug and sniffled. "No, wait, it was just the bug." Then he noticed Unconscious!Remy halfway out of the river. "Hey, it's Remy! I wonder what's going on in his head right now…"

What's Going On In Remy's Head Right Now…

Remy was in an elevator, and it was falling, falling, falling…

Until it landed with a crash in BOURBON LAND!

Yes, Bourbon Land. And several insert-semi-big-number-here feet away, in the top of a tower thingie, was Rogue! In a white dress! A white dress that was several sizes too small in certain…ahem…places! "Remy!" she yelled very Damsel In Distress-esquely.

"Chere!" Remy gasped. Little bottles of bourbon with huge cartoon eyes gathered behind him.

"Come to meh, Remy!" Rogue yelled, still very DID-esquely.

Remy started running, the little bourbon bottles bouncing along behind him. "Remy's comin'!"

"Come to meh, Remy!" Rogue yelled. "Papi, Ah need yah!"

Remy stopped. "Did she just say Papi?" he asked himself. He shrugged and kept running. "Chere, Remy's a-comin'!"

Then Scott jumped out in front of him. "Not so fast, pretty boy!" he said.

Ray walked in in a grass skirt, coconut bra, and one of those fruit hats. "Okay, that sounded gay," he said.

"Like y' can talk?" Remy said.

Ray glanced down at himself, screamed like a Pietro, and ran away.

A bazooka materialized on Remy's shoulder. He glanced at it, shrugged, and fired at Scott.

And a leopard-print G-string flew out of it and hit Scott right on the chest. Scott grabbed his chest dramatically and fell over.

"Lance's underwear!" he yelled. "My only weakness! How did you know?"

Remy glance from Scott to the bazooka to Scott again. Then he threw the bazooka as far away as he could. It just HAPPENED to clonk Scott on the head and knock him out…preferably with a concussion.

"Ahem!" Rogue snapped, tapping her foot impatiently. "Ah'm a pop outta this dress anah second!"

"Remy wouldn' mind seein' dat," Remy said as he miraculously appeared next to her.

"SWAMP RAT!" Rogue slapped him. The scene froze mid-slap and turned into a movie poster. Only in the movie Rogue tackled Remy and made out with the side of his cheek like there was no tomorrow.

Back To Reality…

Remy woke up to see Pyro making out with the side of his cheek like there was no tomorrow. "WHAT DE HELL ARE Y' DOIN'?" he demanded, scrambling away.

"You've been out cold for the past half an hour, mate," Pyro said. "I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up." (6)

Remy stared at him oddly for a while, as if trying to gauge just how crazy he was. Then he ran away like there was no tomorrow.

At The Brotherhood House…

"What do you mean, they are gone?" Scott asked Rogue.

"There was an accident, Lord Slim," Rogue said. "The royal carriage fell inta a rivah and was destroyed."

Scott shrugged. "Well, they were only New Recruits," he said. "But a marriage was promised!"

"And a marriage there will be," Rogue said. "Ah would be honored to wed a prince of tha Brotherhood."

"Uh…sure," Scott said. "You'll make a fine wife for my eldest son, Prince Jamie."

A gong crashed, and Robbie and Ray the Unimportant Guard Dudes stepped aside to reveal Jamie playing with a finger trap. "WHAT?" he demanded. "I have to marry HER? She's so OLD!"

"Watch it, mister," Rogue said.

"Sorry," Jamie squeaked.

A Few Feet Outside The Brotherhood House…

The NRs stared up at the BoM House. "Rogue said she was going to complete the mission," Bobby said.

"But how can she without us?" Jubes asked.

"By takin' y'r place," Remy said.

The NRs all gasped and whirled around.

"Remy's alive!" Ray yelled.

"And he pulled an Aragorn!" Robbie added.

"Rogue was right," Remy said. "No one should marry someone dey don' love. Remy's goin' in."

"We'll come with!" Jubes said.

"Remy don' t'ink so," Remy said, and ditched them before they could say another word.

"Aww, we never get to go!" Bobby whined.

Everyone else was already running after Remy.

"Hey, wait up!" Bobby yelled, running to catch up.

In Wanda's Room AKA…Some Place…

Rogue was sadly tying her hair up in a bun. "Looks lahke we woan be a team after all, Pahro," she said.

Pyro had gone doe-eyed and looked ready to cry. "Sheila, I'd give up a thousand pedestals to stop this."

Jamie popped his head in. "DITTO!" he yelled.

"Get out!" Rogue snapped.

"Sorry!" Jamie said meekly, and popped his head back out.

"Ah doubt even tha Golden Dragon of Unity could stop this now," Rogue said. Then she picked up that weird, ugly crown-hat thingie, put it on her head, and walked over to where Jamie and Scott were standing. Jamie was still playing with his finger trap.

Scott held up his two goblets and started his Really Lame Speech. "My people," he said, "The Golden Dragon of Unity, who guides us in all we do, today sanctifies a union that will be a blessing for all of the Brotherhood."

Lance, Pietro, Todd, and Fred, who had been forced to listen to Scott, were either sleeping, brain-dead, passed out, or taking the opportunity to eat all the food.

Scott tied a sash around the two goblets that Rogue and Jamie were holing. "With the tying of this sash," he said, "We shall unite not only two lives but two…mutant teams."

Then a playing card went flying through the air and just barely missed Scott's face! It did slam into the wall behind him and explode, though.

The Brotherhood woke up, spun around, and gasped. "It's REMY!" they yelled.

Up where they were sitting on the Really Big Gold Golden Dragon Of Unity Statue Idol Thing (aka RBGGDOUSIT), Pyro and Cri-Kique jumped up and down excitedly. "Remy to the rescue!" Pyro exclaimed. "Which is a good thing, 'cuz I was about to whip Lord Slim's butt."

Remy came running up to Rogue, and she…slapped him. On the face. "Whah'd yah go and pull an Aragorn?" she demanded.

"Ow," Remy winced. "Desolé."

Scott ran between them. "This is outrageous!" he yelled. "You will leave at once!"

"Remy's not goin' anywhere," Remy said.

"What are yah doin'?" Rogue muttered to Remy.

"Remy don' know, he's wingin' it," Remy muttered back.

"How dare you trample upon this sacred ceremony?" Scott yelled.

Remy glanced at the Brotherhood, who had fallen back asleep. "Y' call dis sacred?" he asked.

Scott rolled his eyes. Not that anyone could really tell.

"Lord Slim," Remy said. "Remy loves Rogue, and if she'll have him, Remy'll marry her right here. Right now."

"Insolent subordinate!" Scott yelled. "Seize him!" he ordered Robbie and Ray the Unimportant Guard Dudes, who very half-heartedly did so. Scott himself was stupid enough to try to grab Rogue. She elbowed him in the nose.

Then Pyro, who had climbed up into the RBGGDOUSIT's mouth, sent down a huge flame right between all of them. "Hey!" he yelled. "What's up with all the drama?"

Scott and the Brotherhood (who had woken up again when the NRs not-so-sneakily snuck in) gasped. "The Golden Dragon of Unity!" Scott said. "He lives!" And he flung himself onto the ground in full-out worship. So did the Brotherhood. The NRs stared at them for a full minute before catching on.

"Damn right I live!" Pyro said. "So you better drop your constipated ass down and tell me why we aren't starting on the vows already!"

"But, your Greatness," Scott said. "General Remy isn't a member of the Brotherhood."

"Neither's Jamie," Pyro pointed out.

"Well, Todd and Rogue are too close in age," Scott said.

"Good point," Pyro said. "Nonetheless…SILENCE!" He sent out another flame. Scott shrieked like a Pietro and ran to hide behind Remy and Rogue.

Pyro continued. "I am the Golden Dragon of Unity, and I decide whom to unify! My all-seeing eye has peered into the very heart of Bayville, and I've never seen two people more right for one another than this Southern couple here. Except JOTT," he added. "But that's only because they don't deserve anyone else." He coughed. "Now I command you to proceed at once!"

Scott flung himself down again. "Yes, your Greatness!"

"Now, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!" Pyro said.

"Dat's Remy's song!" Remy snapped.

"Shut up!" Pyro snapped back. "Now, Rogue, do you love Remy? Of course you do. Remy, do you love Rogue? Well, no duh, that's practically the only word in your diary. By the power vested in me, by me, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife! You got anything to say, Lord Slim?" Pyro asked, sending another flame at him.

Scott shrieked like a Pietro. "Yes! I mean no! I mean, whatever you say."

Everyone cheered. The NRs coughed pointedly.

"Huh?" Pyro asked. "Oh, right! And furthermore, I hereby decree that the princesses of the New Recruits…in this parody, anyway, no offense to Rahne whatsoever…wherever they may be, are released from their vow and may marry whom-so-ever they please."

All the respective shippies kissed, Jubes set off some fireworks, the Brotherhood cheered, Scott got his fingers imprisoned in Jamie's finger trap, Jamie laughed insanely and started calling him Uncle Fester (8), Pietro started calling Jamie Pubert, Lance called Fred Pugsley, Todd noticed Wanda had showed up and called her Wednesday, Scott called Todd Joel, Wanda hexed him repeatedly against the RBGGDOUSIT, you know, same old, same old.

Back at the X-Mansion…

Jubes, having ingested too many Pixie Stix, was still letting off tons of fireworks. Partially because of her hyperness, and partially because it bugged Scott, since all he could see was red.

In Kurt's Room AKA The Ancestor's Temple…

Pyro was sad. Why? Not because he was going to lose his job. Nope. Kurt was going to take away his (GASP) lighter! "I can't believe I'm going to be back on wake-up duty," he said to Cri-Kique. "Without a lighter! Well, at least Rogue's happy. And if she's happy, I'm happy."

Then Remy and Rogue came walking in. "Remy," Rogue asked. "What are yah doin'?"

"Watch and see," Remy said.

Kurt, who was now watching, gasped. "Aw, man! He's combining the family temples!"

"What does that mean?" Pyro asked.

"It means you get to keep your pedestal," Kurt said.

Pyro blinked.

"And your job," Kurt added.

Pyro blinked again.

"And…your lighter," Kurt mumbled.

"YES!" Pyro jumped off the ledge, did a nice little quadruple flip midair, and landed on the ground.

Right in front of Remy and Rogue. "So dis is de infamous Pyro?" Remy asked Rogue.

"Yep," Rogue nodded.

"Somehow Remy pictured y'…bigger," Remy said to Pyro.

"What?" Pyro said to Rogue. "You told him about me? About us?"

Rogue laughed. "Ah have no secrets from my…husband, Pahro," she said. "Ah told him everythang."

Pyro gulped. "Everything?" he repeated.

"Dat's right," Remy said, "Great Golden Dragon of Unity." He mock bowed.

"Ah still doan get it," Rogue said. "What does combining our temples do?"

"It gives me back me lighter!" Pyro exclaimed. "And me pedestal," he added.

Jubes came swaggering with a box of Pixie Stix. "Vive la revolution!" she said, and shot off more fireworks into the room across the hall.

Which just happened to be Scott's room.

The ceiling fell in.

"Oops."

The End!

(1) – Actually, it was The Ring. But Daveigh Chase was also in Lilo & Stitch.

(2) – I dunno why, but the name Hufflepuff puts me in mind of a fat pastry.

(3) – I saw the trailer! The movie comes out in November, and the dragon and merpeople are NOT BALD! YAY! (claps hand ecstatically) Oh, and Cedric doesn't look that hot. But it's okay. And I didn't see Draco at all! I wanted to see what his hair looked like. And why must the actors pick NOW to grow out their hair? Harry looks ugly. Ron looks…meh. Hermione looks same old, same old.

(4) – No hablo español, but according to Babelfish, that means Bastard!

(5) – If you don't know where this quote is from, go hide in a hole. Now.

(6) – That happened to me in the 3rd grade. It was one of the nastier experiences in my life.

(7) – Yeah, the whole Bourbon Land and Pyro licking his face was from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. I LUVERZ that movie!

(8) – The Addams Family. Well, Joel's from Addams Family Values.

Yesh, this is the end! But wait, there's more! The end of the bet (Rogue won, big surprise) and the revelation of PYRO'S SECRET PLOT! It'll be up…SOME TIME!

Yeah, cuz Friday is my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! Until AUGUST! WOOT! Me very happy. Oh, and give me idearrs for Remy's Fashion Week! I need outfits planned by Kitty, Tabby, Jubes, John, The Rogue Herself, and two other people of your choice. Well, two other people, or two of them can do outfits twice. Give me idearrs, people!