..: Fun With Flashbacks and Fashion Shows :..
Aw, the parody's almost over! Well, the movie's over, I just have to finish up The Bet, and reveal PYRO'S SECRET PLOT! But first, reviews! Thanks to psychobunny410, Quing, simba317, enigmagirl2727, EE's Skysong, PyroManaic, and heartsyhawk for reviewing! Enigmagirl2727, hehehe, I LUVERZ the Pulling an Aragorn phrase! Can't believe some people don't understand it…(shakes head sadly). EE's Skysong, in the infamous words of Nelson: HA-HA! Sorry, just had to. If it makes you feel any better, last year, I didn't get out until June 15. Or something like that. I knew everyone would like Bourbon Land! Go watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle! Well, if you're allowed to watch R rated movies. And you're mature enough to realize that it is a stupidfunny movie stereotyping stoners and minorities, particularly Asians, more particularly Chinese and Indians, and is not meant to be taken seriously. It's from the people who made Dude, Where's My Car? for Piotr's sake! PyroManaic, my Shrek parody's gonna be called Redneck Shrek because it's going to be a RAHM, with Sam as Shrek. And Bobby as Donkey. And Scott as Lord Farquaad. And Rahne as Fiona, obviously. The dragon in HP4…is hard to describe. I never was good at describing any sort of dragon, except as very scaly. Anyway, I decided to take some pics of the trailer for ya! Go to my profile, the links should be up there. But since I just put them up, it probably won't be up until later. Sowwies! Check back soon!
And now, I must actually get on with the chappie.
DISCLAIMER: "Uncle Shelly, I'm watching cartoons. Why is Hercules wearing a tank top and a skirt?"
"And that's a wrap!" Forge yelled.
Rogue shoved Remy away. "Ha! Ah won tha bet, Swamp Rat," she said.
"Remy don' t'ink John's goin' to like dis," Remy said.
"Whatcha mean, mate?" Pyro asked, walking up to them.
"John was in on it tha whole tahme," Rogue said. "Yah didn' know?"
Remy glared at John. "Obviously."
"So is that what, like, happened his flashback or whatever?" Kitty asked.
"Uh…" John said, thinking for a second…or two…or 78.
!FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Remy LeBeau sat straight up in bed. "Mon Dieu, what was dat?"
A minute later, Piotr opened the door and stuck his head in. "Comrade, do you think you can help me?" he said.
"Wit' what?" Remy asked.
Piotr walked in. "This."
Remy looked down. John was attached to Piotr's leg and mumbling incoherently. "What happened?" Remy asked John.
"I saw…a scary movie," John whispered.
"What? De Grudge?" Remy asked.
John shook his head.
"The Ring?" Piotr suggested.
Same response.
"Jeepers Creepers?"
"Psycho?"
"Y' were watchin' Disney Channel again, weren' y'?" Remy asked. "De one about de blondie goin' to Europe…and de best friend…and de really bad singin'?" (1)
John shook his head. "Worse," he whispered.
With difficulty, Piotr managed to pry John off him and carried him at arm's length into the living room, where the TV was on.
"…Miraculously, no one was hurt. In fact, a disabled woman said to be trapped in the burning building was found several minutes later on a bench, supposedly rescued by an 'angel'. The firefighters were able to successfully put out the fire-" (2)
Remy turned off the TV. "How many times do we have t' tell y'?" he said to John.
"If you watch the news, chances are there's going to be a fire," Piotr continued.
John brightened.
"Destroyed," Piotr finished.
John sniffled. "Murderers," he whimpered.
!END FLASHBACK!
"Okay, that was the completely wrong flashback," Jubes said, walking in with a box of Nerds.
John's eyes narrowed. "Where'd you get those?"
"…Internet." (3)
"Okay, then," John said happily. "But that flashback's not as important."
"Aw, but I wanna, like, see it!" Kitty pouted.
"That pout only works on total suckers," John said.
"Aw, come on, she's doin' De Pout!" Remy said. "…Hey!"
!THE REAL FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!
…And they formally shook on it.
John tiptoed away from the door, then ran down the hall, cackling madly. "So there's a bet, eh?" he said. "And Remy's getting my stuff? …Who exactly am I talking to?"
The door slammed open, and Bobby stumbled in, sucking on a Cherry Popsicle. Well, he more like fell in. "Oops, guess this isn't Ray's room after all!" he said, somewhat slurred.
"Yeah, the sign on the door is sort of a hint," John said.
"There's a sign?" Bobby asked. He walked outside and looked on the door. Sure enough, on the door it said: REMY, JOHN, & PIOTR'S ROOM in Piotr's neat handwriting. Right underneath that it said: LOGAN, PLEASE DON' HURT US. REMEMBER, DE REALLY BIG RUSSIAN WHO'S HELPFUL WIT' DE KIDS LIVES HERE.
"Why does Remy write in his accent?" Bobby asked out loud.
"Keep reading," John said.
BOBBY, REMY KNEW Y'D ASK DAT QUESTION.
"…O-kay, then," Bobby said. He then tripped over thin air. "Whoa!"
"Uh, Bobby, where'd you get that Popsicle?" John asked.
"Tabby gave it to me," Bobby said. "Why?"
!FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK – WEIRD, ISN'T IT!
"Here, Tabby, have a Popsicle," Remy said, giving Tabby a Cherry Popsicle.
Tabby sniffed at it. "You spiked it, didn't you?"
"Remy's secret recipe," Remy said, winked, and walked off, his trench coat billowing out behind him.
"…It's really freaky how it does that when there isn't any wind," Tabby said. Then Bobby walked by. "Hey, Bobby! Want a Popsicle?"
!END OF FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK! THE ORIGINAL FLASHBACK IS STILL GOING ON! WEIRD, ISN'T IT!
"No reason," John said.
"Okay, whatever," Bobby said, and stumbled out of the room and down the hall.
John resumed his plotting. "So Remy wants to bet my Pixie Stix and my Mountain Dew? Without even asking me?" He sniffed. "I'm insulted! Wait a sec…"
!FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK YET AGAIN!
"Hey, mate!" John said cheerfully, walking up to a rather mopey Remy. "What's the matter?"
"Rogue hates Remy," Remy said.
"No she doesn't!" John said. "She just very intensely dislikes you."
"Dat's not really very helpful," Remy said.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better," John said. "I give you full permission to use my secret stash of Pixie Stix and/or Mountain Due as stakes in any bet."
"…T'anks," Remy said.
"That's what friends are for!" John said cheerfully.
"SWAMP RAT!"
Remy winced.
"Uh, see ya!" John said, and got going while the going was good.
!END OF FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK YET AGAIN!
"Oh, yeah!" John said. "It's all good, then. Plus, I need a place for my–" Sam crashed through a wall in the room next to John's, blocking out John's next words. Pity. "Just a tic! I have an idea! I'm going to-" Sam crashed through the other wall. "Time to find Rogue! AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHA – (hack choke cough wheeze)!" And he walked out of the room.
!END OF THE REAL FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!
"Is anyone else's head spinning?" Jubes asked.
"Nope!" Kitty said. "Wait, but weren't there, like, two flashbacks with evil laughter?"
"Oh yeah," John and Rogue said in unison.
"I smell a conspiracy!" Rahne said, sticking her finger in the air. "No, wait…it's Scott's cologne." She grabbed her throat dramatically and gasped for air. "Drakkar Noir will kill me!" (4)
"Ew, I, like, smell it, too!" Kitty said, wrinkling her nose.
"Actually, that was me," John said, raising his hand. "SBD!"
"Someone open a window!" Jubes said.
There was a somewhat muffled "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Then Sam came crashing through the wall.
"That works, too!" Jubes said.
Sam stood up. "Whah are y'all in Scott's room?" he asked. "And IS THAT A SPILLED BOTTLE OF SCOTT'S COLOGNE?" He pointed at, well, a spilled bottle of Scott's cologne.
"Why, it is!" Tabby said, feigning surprise. "Sam, you must be psychic."
Bobby walked in. "Ugh, what's that smell?" he gasped. He ran out and came running back in 15 seconds later. "Lysol to the rescue!" He sprayed it all around the room.
Remy screamed. "Y' just sprayed Lysol in Remy's eyes!" (5)
Bobby stopped his spray frenzy. "Oops."
"Oh my gosh, your eyes turned totally red!" Jubes yelled.
"DEY'RE ALWAYS RED!" Remy yelled.
"I know!" Jubes said. "I just felt like being unhelpful."
Remy ran out of the room to wash his eyes out.
"So…" John said. "What do we do while we wait for him to come back?"
"Plan outfits!" Kitty said with an EEEEVIL grin, pulling out a notebook and a pen.
"We only need 7," Rogue said.
Kitty thought for a moment. Then a lightbulb lit up over her head.
Literally. Ray walked in with a lightbulb in his mouth.
Everyone stared at him. "Jamie asked me to do it," Ray said, taking it out of his mouth.
Jamie came running in. "Do it again! Do it again!"
"I already did it ten times!" Ray said.
Jamie did The Pout.
Ray glanced at the others for help, then sighed and stuck the lightbulb in his mouth again.
"And as a bonus, it prevents him from talking!" Jubes said. Ray threw the lightbulb at her. She ducked, and it knocked over a picture of Scott and Jean, smashing the picture frame.
"Oh well," everyone said.
"Back to my idea!" Kitty said. She whispered something in Rogue's ear, and Rogue got up and left.
Before anyone could even exchange clueless glances, she was back, and held up two fingers. "YES!" Kitty yelled.
"What?" John asked.
"Instead of having, like, a fashion week, Remy agreed to, like, have a fashion show!" Kitty exclaimed.
"How is that going to work unless he changes really, really fast?" Bobby asked.
"Forge'll come up with something," Kitty said confidently.
"Whah do yah have so much faith in a guy that messes up so much?" Sam asked.
"It was ONE SCHOOL DANCE!" Forge yelled, sticking his head in. "Oh, and here's a new toy for Jamie. Happy…Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day." He tossed Jamie a gun.
"Hey, that looks like the Point of View gun!" (6) Bobby said. "What's it do?"
Jamie shrugged.
"Lemme see!" Bobby grabbed it and shot it at Ray.
"What the heck was that for?" Ray said. He held up a fist to slam it into Bobby's face. His fist froze midpunch.
Literally. It was like an ice-fist or something.
"COOL!" Bobby said. "Literally!"
"Now that was stupid," Ray said.
Kitty grabbed the gun from Bobby. "So does this thing, like, switch your powers or something?" she asked.
Bobby froze another one of Scott's pictures of Jean. "Nope," he said. "I still have mine." He dropped the picture, and it shattered.
"So it, like, gives the person you aim it at your powers?" Kitty said. "But you still keep your powers?"
Forge popped his head in again. "Exactly!" he said. And he left.
"So, how do you, like, change it back?" Kitty asked.
Bobby grabbed the gun and shot it at Ray again. "Did it work?" he asked.
Jamie handed Ray the lightbulb. Ray sighed and stuck it in his mouth…and it lit up!
"Wow, we figured that out fast," Jubes said. Then she grabbed the gun and shot it at Tabby.
"Hey, that's my Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day present!" Jamie yelled. "Go find your own!"
"Please, Multiple!" Jubes said. "Can' y' see I'm a leetell bizzy here?"
"Yah're mockin' meh, aren't yah?" Sam said. (7)
"…Riiiiiiiiiiight," Jubes said, but she shot Tabby again and gave it back to Jamie.
Then Remy walked in, and a lightbulb went off over Jamie's head!
"Thanks, Ray!" Jamie said. Ray put down the lightbulb. And Jamie shot Remy!
"What de – what did he just do?" Remy said. Rogue responded by punching him. Hard.
Two seconds later, they were looking at 5 Remys, all with shocked looks on their faces.
"I told you Forge would, like, come up with something!" Kitty said. "Oh, yeah, so, like, what did happen during that second flashback?"
!FLASHBACK TO THAT ONE LATER!
"Psst! Sheila!" Pyro called.
Rogue walked over to where Pyro was sitting on one of the wheels. "Whaddya want?"
"I heard about you and Remy's little bet," Pyro said.
"Yah did?" Rogue asked.
Pyro nodded happily.
"And…yah're okay with it?" Rogue said.
"Yep!" Pyro said, nodding again. "It'd be worth it to see Kitty pick out Remy's clothes. And I need a place to put my Nerd Pit, anyway."
"And tha Mountain Dew?"
"Sprite is the new Mountain Dew, sheila," Pyro said. "And Thirst is cool! Show 'em my motto!"
"…Nevah do that again," Rogue said.
"Okay," Pyro agreed. "So anyway, I want you to win the bet. And knowing Remy, he's going to try to flirt with you or do something to drive you up the wall, making him win the bet and going out on several dates with you, and who knows, you could slip on some ice and get knocked out and wake up the next morning in his bed in lingerie and with no idea of what happened the night before."
Rogue blinked.
Pyro took that as an encouragement and went on to explain his EVIL SCHEME MUWAHAHAHA! "So my plan is to use reverse psychology on him! I'm going to try to split you two up so it looks like I'm helping Remy, when in reality you'll both be too busy dealing with me for him to try to flirt with you or anything!"
Rogue blinked again. "This is what yah were comin' up with in that one flashback, huh?"
"Yep!" Pyro nodded.
"And yah came up with this all by yahself?" she asked.
"Yep!" Pyro said proudly, nodding again.
"Wow," Rogue said. "And yah're okay with all this?"
"Yep!" Pyro said cheerfully.
"Okay, then."
!END FLASHBACK TO THAT ONE LATER!
"Ohhh," Jubes said. "So you used reverse psychology."
"That makes sense," Tabby said. "I think."
"Well, now that that's, like, all cleared up," Kitty said. "We now have to plan Remy's fashion show!"
All 5 Remys blinked. Jamie grabbed the gun and shot Remy, and 4 of the Remys disappeared. "Begone!" Kitty yelled to Remy, who blinked, but left.
Kitty grabbed a Random Flashlight and turned it on, putting it under her face. "And now we must plan…Remy's Fashion Show!"
Tabby reached over and turned off the flashlight. "It kinda works better if it's not 2 in the afternoon," she said.
"Less talking, more planning!" Kitty said.
"Um…Ah feel really uncomfortable talkin' about this, so, Ah'm just gonna go," Sam said, getting up.
"SIT!" Kitty yelled.
Sam sat.
Kurt bamfed in. "Good boy!" And he handed him a Scooby Snack.
"Ooh!" John said. "I have a GREAT idea for an outfit!"
"Does it involve fire?" Kitty asked.
"…No," John said after a pause.
"Does it involve gasoline?" Rogue asked.
John hung his head. "Never mind."
"Two words," Bobby said. "Drag queen…material."
"…That was three words," Kitty said.
The Next Day…
Logan, Scott, Jean, Ororo, and Hank were worried. Why? Because they were currently in the living room, sitting in the front row of a ton of chairs.
In front of a runway.
Actually, only Hank was worried, because he was in on what was going on.
!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY!
Hank was in a good mood. All he wanted to do was train for a little in the Danger Room, take a shower, and go read a nice book. He opened the door to the Danger Room…
And saw a very weird sight.
Remy was standing in the middle of the Danger Room with his hands in the air. Surrounding him were Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po, each brandishing various weapons. Po was holding Forge's Red Lethal-Looking…Thing (Oh no! Not another Lethal-Looking…Thing!), La-La was holding Jamie's Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day present, and Dipsy was holding the Bourbon Land bazooka. (8)
Needless to say, Remy was scared. Tinky Winky approached, and he pulled out of his purse…a G-string!
"Okay, Remy," Kitty's voice said over the intercom thingie. "Go into that dark, enclosed room and put on the G-string." Tinky Winky pointed at a tiny room that would've scared Ororo to death.
"Remy will wear de pink," Remy said. "Remy will wear de pleather. But Remy will not wear dat!" he yelled, pointing at the G-string.
"Oh, come on," Kitty said. "It's made for men."
"…How'd y' get dat?" Remy asked.
"Bobby asked around in a drag queen chatroom," Kitty said.
"Oh," Remy said.
"And if Bobby went through the trouble of posing as a fresh-out-of-the-closet drag queen debutant, then you can at least suffer to put that on!" Kitty said.
"Bobby did all dat willin'ly?" Remy asked.
"Well, we had to hold him at BLLT-point," Kitty admitted.
Tinky Winky grabbed Jamie's SaCoLiRED (pronounced Sa-call-ee-red) present from Dipsy and aimed it at Remy.
"Remy'll wear it! Just don' shoot him!" Remy said frantically. He grabbed the G-string from Tinky Winky and ran into the room.
Rogue walked into the Control Room. "Kitty, what are yah doin'?" she asked. Then she saw the Teletubbies. "Oh dear Lord," she gasped.
"Rogue!" Kitty said. "Just the girl I was looking for!"
"No, yah weren'," Rogue said.
"Well, I was about to," Kitty said. "I'm getting Remy to model some…stuff."
"Where is he?" Rogue asked.
Kitty glanced down into the Danger Room. "Coming out of the closet," she said.
Rogue winced. "Please, stop with the puns," she said.
Kitty hid behind Rogue. "I am not looking at Remy, I swear!" she said.
Rogue looked down at Remy. "Nice," she said.
"Merci," Remy said. "Can Remy go now?"
"No," Kitty said. "Try on one of the bras in the closet. But, uh, change into some pants or something before you come out."
"Why does Remy have t' wear a bra?"
"Well, you can't exactly stuff a shirt!" Kitty said.
Remy grumbled, but went back into the closet. When he came back out, he was wearing pants and a black, extremely lacy bra.
"That's a nice fit!" Kitty said.
"What size is that?" Rogue asked her.
"I think the ones I stuck in there are all D's," Kitty said.
"Ah love irony," Rogue said.
"Yep," Kitty said. "Too bad he didn't get a better grade on DDR." (9)
Hank finally decided to speak up. "What are you kids doing?" he demanded.
"Oh, Remy's, like, putting on a fashion show for us tomorrow," Kitty said.
Hank nodded uneasily. "Indeed," he said. "I'll just leave this part of the subbasement alone until this is all over." And he turned and walked out without another word.
"Well, I guess we got the go-ahead from Mr. McCoy!" Kitty said cheerfully.
!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY!
Scott was too busy thinking about the destruction of his room…
!FLASHBACK TO THIRTY SECONDS AGO!
"Uh, sorry Scott, Sam, like, crashed into your room," Kitty said.
Scott squinted at the broken glass. "With several bottles of tequila?"
"Uh…"
"And bourbon?"
"Um…"
"And Cherry-flavored Popsicles?"
"Well, you see, um, those were, like, Remy's," Kitty said.
"And why was Gambit in my room?" Scott asked.
"Well, you see, we were having a…an intervention!" Kitty exclaimed, struck by a sudden idea.
"An intervention?" Scott repeated dubiously.
"Yeah!" Kitty said. "Sam saw Remy trying to sneak in all the drinks, so he grabbed him and blasted off. Only his aim wasn't the best, so he sort of crashed into your room."
"Okay…"
"And so we all decided to have an intervention to get Remy to quit drinking," Kitty continued.
"With Pyro?" Scott asked, glancing at the scorch marks all over the walls.
"For moral support," Kitty said. "And we decided to keep it in your room because you're such a model citizen, and your room just says it all!"
"Oh," Scott said with a grin. "I understand." And he walked off.
Tabby walked up to Kitty. "Wow," she said. "He really is as stupid as he looks."
!END FLASHBACK TO THIRTY SECONDS AGO!
…Yeah, so Scott was thinking about that. Jean was under the impression that the stage was set up for some sort of awards ceremony (which she would win the awards for, of course! She's perfect!) and was busy trying to come up with an acceptance speech that sounded grateful and well-planned, but still impromptu.
Logan also knew what the kids were up to. But he wasn't worried.
Well, not as much as Hank.
!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, AGAIN!
Since Hank had told Logan that he had decided to skip his session that day, Logan decided to train in the Danger Room instead. He opened up the doors about half an hour after Hank had…
And saw a vaguely disturbing sight.
Remy was in a black Speedo.
Only a black Speedo.
(Drool………)
That wasn't the worst part.
He was sprawled on the floor, with Rahne sitting on one arm, Amara sitting on the other, Tabby and Jubes sitting on each leg, and Kitty sitting on his chest.
And that wasn't the worst part.
Kitty had duct-taped his mouth shut.
That still wasn't the worst part.
Rogue had Jean's leg wax, and had just put a strip on Remy's leg.
Logan thought that was the worst part.
Then Rogue ripped it off.
If Remy's scream hadn't been muffled, it probably would've scared the crap out of everyone in the mansion.
But since it had, all it did was hurt Logan's sensitive hearing.
All seven head snapped up when they heard the thud of Logan slamming against the door. "Oh, hi, Mr. Logan!" Kitty said.
Remy screamed as Rogue ripped another strip off Remy's leg.
Logan turned and left without saying a word.
!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, AGAIN!
So he was downing as much beer as he could, before Jean noticed and tried to stage an intervention or embark on some lecture.
Or before he saw something that would cause him to puke it all back up.
Oh, and Ororo had seen something somewhat similar to Logan's. However, she took it a lot better than he had.
!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, YET AGAIN!
Several hours after Logan had come up from the subbasement, grabbed a six-pack of beer, and disappeared up to his room, Ororo had finally noticed that Kitty, Rogue, Remy, and half of the New Recruits were missing. After wasting 15 minutes searching the mansion, she asked the Prof, who, after mentally searching for them, said nothing more than a strangled "Danger Room."
So Ororo went down to the Danger Room and opened the doors.
Remy was tied to a chair, his mouth still duct-taped, his legs, arms, and stomach newly waxed; with Rahne, Amara, Jubes, and Tabby standing guard over him with various weapons. Rahne was holding the Bourbon Land Bazooka, Amara was holding the RLLT, Jubes was holding Jamie's SaCoLiRED present, and Tabby was holding Tinky Winky's purse.
And that wasn't the worst part.
Wow, I love using that phrase.
Kitty was holding Remy's head still while Rogue held a gun that looked like the one she had in X Mulan to Remy's left ear. "Hold still, Ah know what Ah'm doin'!" she said.
Remy said a muffled, "Yeah, right!"
"Ah do!" Rogue said. "Ah pierced Bobby and Robbie's ears. And…" Rogue mumbled something.
"What?" Remy asked, still muffledly.
"She lost a bet to me," Kitty said.
"Really? What was the bet?" Amara asked.
"That she could beat Jamie at DDR," Kitty said.
"What'd Jamie get?" Jubes asked.
"A AA," Kitty said.
"And Rogue got…?" Tabby said.
"A C," Kitty said.
"Oh," Tabby said. "Well, at least she didn't get a D."
Remy said a muffled, "Shut up!"
"So, what'd she have to do?" Amara asked.
"Oh, she had to work at Claire's for a week," Kitty said.
"Ooh, harsh," Jubes said.
Kitty shrugged. "She was the ear-piercing person. I was her assistant so I made sure she didn't run for it."
"See?" Rogue said. "Ah do know what Ah'm doin'."
"But-"
Too late. Rogue pulled the trigger.
Again, if Remy hadn't been muffled, all seven girls (including Ororo) would've gone deaf. As it was, the youngest six just laughed. Rogue pierced his other ear, with the same reactions. Then she ripped the duct tape off his mouth.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Remy yelled.
Ororo finally spoke up. "What are you children doing?" she asked.
"We just pierced Remy's ears," Kitty said, showing Ororo the silver ankhs that were now hanging from his ears. (10)
"Yes, I know," Ororo said. "What I mean is, why aren't you piercing his belly button, too?"
There was a pause.
Then Remy nearly started crying.
"Ororo, you're a genius!" Jubes said.
Ororo smiled and left. She hadn't gotten ten feet away from the Danger Room doors before she heard Remy's scream.
!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, YET AGAIN!
…Yeah, she had a teeny little Diet Coke of Evil stint there. Just a little one.
You'll notice that the Prof isn't there. Well, duh, he is psychic!
!FLASHBACK TO THAT MORNING!
'X-Men!' Xavier telepathically shouted to all the X-Men. 'Meet me in the living room in ten minutes.'
"Um, Professor?" Kitty asked timidly.
"Yes?" Xavier asked, opening his eyes.
"You're in the living room," Kitty said. "Everyone's been watching Shrek for the past half hour."
"Ah," Xavier said. "Well, then, I should get on with my announcement." He paused dramatically. "Juggernaut has escaped from prison!"
Everyone gasped.
"Well, not really," Xavier admitted. "But the security is starting to fail."
"You mean like that one time when Kitty and Kurt and Evan and Rogue locked Jean and Scott out of the mansion and threw that one party and it turned out Mystique planned the whole thing so she could blow the place up in an attempt to kill Bobby and Ray and Robbie and Sam and Rahne and Amara and Jubes and Jamie?" Tabby asked.
"Yes, precisely," Xavier said. "But this one wasn't planned by Mystique."
"But how do you know?" Evan asked.
"Well, I am psychic," Xavier said.
"But didn't you say that one time that-" Jean started.
Xavier cut her off. "That is why I'll be going alone. And if it does turn out to be planned by Mystique or someone like that, you'll know where I'm being held captive." He picked up a briefcase and started to wheel off.
"Professor?" Kitty asked. "Why are you talking a briefcase with you?"
"To carry the tools that I need to fix the security," Xavier said. And he started wheeling off again. 'Yeah, the security at Club Med,' he thought.
"Um, Professor?" Kitty said. "You just projected that thought."
'…No I didn't.'
"No you didn't," Everyone chorused very zombie-esquely.
"Good little minions – I mean, mutants," Xavier said, and wheeled off.
"Okay, did anyone else notice the Hawaiian-print sleeve that was sticking out of the briefcase?" Jamie asked.
Everyone blinked at him.
Jean pressed the play button on the remote and ruffled Jamie's hair. "Oh, Jamie. You and your imagination."
"No one ever listens to me," Jamie grumbled.
Bobby turned around. "Did you say something?" he asked.
Jamie rolled his eyes.
!END FLASHBACK TO THAT MORNING!
All the X-Kids ran into the room, loaded with Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew. Well, except John, who was loaded with Nerds and Sprite. Evan was setting up his video camera, and all the kids were snickering eeevily. Hm, Remy and Kitty are conspicuously absent…
Kitty phased through the curtains. "Thanks for waiting!" she said. "And now, I am pleased to present the Remy LeBeau Fashion Show!"
"The WHAT?" Scott and Jean gasped.
"That's right!" Kitty said. "Remy has graciously agreed to put on a fashion show for us!"
The curtains opened to reveal Remy dressed in pink and leather. He had glittery pink eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, hot pink blush, cotton candy pink lips, and pink heart stud earrings. He had a pink leather jacket over a pink spaghetti strap tank top that showed off his newly waxed belly button with a pink jewel in it. He also had a pink leather miniskirt on, with a white leather belt with a pink heart as the clasp. And, to finish it off, he had pink leather lace-up knee-high platform boots.
"This is Remy's 'Think Pink' outfit, inspired by Barbie!" Kitty said as Remy sashayed down the runway (having been taught that the day before by Rogue and Kitty). "It was designed by yours truly, and every clothing and accessory came from the closet of Miss Jean Grey!"
Scott whipped his head around to stare at Jean so fast that his neck made a nasty cracking noise.
Jean went red. "No, it's not!"
"It's not yours?" Bobby asked. "Cool, cuz Frank from the DQ chatroom wanted to borrow that outfit."
"Well, don't ask me," Jean said with a nervous laugh, "Because it's not mine!"
"Riiiiight," John said.
Remy posed at the end for Rogue (who was snapping away with her digital camera; Jubes, Tabby, Amara, and Rahne were doing the same on both sides of the runway), and sashayed back behind the curtains.
Now, if I did this for every outfit that Remy wore, this could go on for pages and pages and pages and…well, you get the idea. But some of my favorites included:
"Remy's Playboy Bunny outfit, designed by Tabby!" Black leather tube top (with that fuzzy stuff lining the top), black leather shorts that showed the bottom of his ass (complete with a fuzzy bunny tail), fishnets, and strappy black sandals. And, of course, the fuzzy ears!
"Remy's Sailor Moon outfit, designed by Jubes!" Well, you should know what Sailor Moon dresses like. Now put that on Remy, and add REALLY long hair extensions made into two high side buns with the ends leading into REALLY long pony tails. And don't forget the heart-bangs cut. Okay, that's more than a little disturbing.
"Remy's Urban Cowgirl Outfit, designed by Rahne! With the hat and jacket from the closet of Miss Jean Grey!" Yeah, so Jean's hat and jacket from the ep Mutant Crush over a red bandana as a shirt (if anyone has seen The New Guy, Remy's bandana!shirt is like Danielle's in the bar scene with the bull and Estelle and the areñas negras), a jean (the denim, not the Miss Perfect) pleated skirt with a belt with a bull's head on the clasp, and, of course, cowboy boots! Complete with spurs!
"Remy's Schoolgirl Outfit, inspired by Britney Spears, designed by John!" White schoolgirl blouse with ¾ sleeves and the front end tied above the belly button (so Remy can show off the diamond stud in it), a blue and white plaid skirt, black schoolgirl shoes, white kneesocks, and hair extensions put in high pigtails tied with fuzzy white knockers.
"Remy's Angel Outfit, designed by Amara!" White halter top dress with a low-cut back going down to just above the knee, and white sandals. Oh, and a wreath of white daisies on his head. Hehe, that clashes so badly with his eyes.
"Remy's Devil Outfit, designed by Wanda!" Red tank top stopping above the belly button with an oval hole cut above the breasts (well, fake breasts for Remy), red pleather skin tight flares, red strappy shoes, and a red belt with a red forked tail tied on the back. Oh yeah, and a red headband with devil horns, and earrings with the number "6" on them. Along with a belly button ring with the number "6" on it, too. (11)
As for the last one, it's simply too funny (or drool-worthy…or mind-scarring…or both) to summarize.
"And last, but definitely not least," Kitty announced, "Remy's Gothic Outfit, featuring the REAL Remy Lebeau, and designed by The Rogue!"
Remy stepped through the curtains wearing a black corset that laced up in the front, black elbow-length fingerless fishnet gloves, a long black skirt that went down to the floor, and black strappy stilettos. Oh, and those ankh earrings that Rogue had pierced his ears with.
Compared to some of the stuff that his multiples had had to wear, it seemed like Remy had it pretty good.
Which didn't make any sense.
Especially since Rogue had a Mother-of-All-Evil smirk on her face.
Unfortunately, only Bobby noticed this smirk, since he was sitting right next to her.
So, despite the fact that he was wearing stilettos, Remy walked out onto the runway pretty gracefully.
With the spotlight shining on him.
Did I mention that Remy's skirt is made out of chiffon? Really sheer, filmy, just about transparent chiffon?
Now, since it's black, in normal light, it's fine. But with a spotlight…well…
Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne all stared at Remy with their mouths wide open (in case you don't remember, they're right next to the catwalk, like as mock paparazzi or something). Well, until Rogue gave them a Look. Then they started snapping away.
Just about all of the guys either a) turned away, b) fell out of their chairs, or c) did both.
Well, except John, who was laughing like an insane pyromaniac…oh wait, that's because he is one.
Kitty was standing with a shocked expression similar to the one that had been on Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne's face. However, Remy had his back to her and didn't notice.
Rogue, of course, still had that Mother-of-All-Evil smirk on her face, and was taking pictures like there was no tomorrow.
Remy thought that this was because Rogue had designed the dress, and he was right.
Partially.
A Few Days Later…
Remy was extremely grateful that the bet was over. He actually felt pretty good about what he had had to do. Well, sure, he now had pierced ears (he had hoped that they would close up after Wanda took her earrings back, but alas, she replaced them with some of Pietro's) and a pierced belly button (ditto the ears, but Ray generously gave him an extra earring to use), but all in all, he had gotten away relatively unscathed. And the best part was, it was totally over.
Or so he thought. Evan had videotaped the entire thing, and Kitty – with the help of Webber – made a DVD out of it. The DVD included the entire fashion show; a scene selection where you could pick which outfit you wanted to see; a Behind The Scenes featurette with footage from the Danger Room (the Teletubbies, body waxing, body piercing – that stuff, not to mention Kitty invading the changing room armed with a video camera on a search for "The Real Remy LeBeau") and interviews with Rogue, Kitty, Tabby, Jubes, Amara, Wanda, Rahne, John, and, of course, Remy; pictures from the show that had been taken by Rogue, Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne; and a music video featuring clips from the show to the song "I'm Too Sexy."
And Kitty was currently burning DVDs for everyone who wanted one while Bobby mailed off Jean's "pink suit" to Frank from the DQ chatroom.
Despite the fact that in a few minutes, everyone would be able to laugh at him waltzing down the runway, Remy still thought he hadn't had to do anything TOO humiliating.
Riiiiiiiiight.
Right then Kitty came running out of the elevator to the subbasement with a stack of DVDs in her hand. "All done!" she said.
"Where were y'?" Remy asked.
"Cerebro with the Prof," Kitty said.
"He let y' use Cerebro to burn all dose?" Remy said dubiously.
Kitty nodded. "In exchange for my promise that I wouldn't tell anyone his secret."
"What secret?" Rogue asked, walking up to them.
"I can't tell you guys that, then it wouldn't be a secret!" Kitty said. "Oh, and here's your DVD, Rogue," she added, handing Rogue a DVD.
"Mahne's is…" Rogue began.
Kitty nodded. "Director's Cut," she said. "Only yours and the master copy."
Rogue grinned. "Excellent."
Remy got a little worried. "Y' sounded a lot like Mr. Burns dere," he said nervously.
They walked into the living room, and Rogue popped the DVD in. "Remy, let meh ask yah somethang," she said. "What exactly did yah wear underneath yoah skirt?"
Remy shifted uncomfortably. "Well, dere was a slight shortage of t'ongs," he said, shooting a glare at Kitty.
Kitty giggled. "Oops. I thought there was an extra, so I gave it to Bobby to give to Frank. All his multiples ganged up on him and stole all the others before he could get to them," she added to Rogue.
"So yah're sayin' yah…" Rogue said.
Remy nodded sheepishly. "Remy went commando."
Rogue went to the Scene Selection and clicked on the last outfit. "Well, Sugah, there's somethang Ah need ta show yah."
Remy's jaw dropped as he watched the TV him walk down the runway. Then he turned to Rogue. "Y' planned dat, didn' y'?"
"Ah didn't expect yah to hit all those slutty poses," Rogue said. "But isn't it just so comforting ta know that yah've scarred the minds of every male who lives here?"
"At least not de Prof," Remy said.
"Actually," Kitty said. "He made the mistake of watching the original master copy of the DVD."
"…Now dat is just disturbin'," Remy said.
"Yoah fault for not wearing anythang," Rogue said.
"At least now de parody's over," Remy said.
"DOAN SAY THAT!" Sam yelled. He turned and saw Forge running toward him. "Oh, crap." He ran for it.
Bobby walked into the room, narrowly avoiding getting trampled by Forge. "I, for one, agree with Sam."
"Why?" Ray asked, walking in and drinking a glass of milk.
Evan ran in and snatched it from him. "That's MY moo-juice, biyatch!" he yelled, and ran away.
Ray, Rogue, Remy, Bobby, and Kitty all blinked.
Then Bobby heaved a sigh. "Now I have to be an ass," he said. "That's just depressing."
"No, you know what's really depressing?" Ray said. "That in Shrek 3, Shrek is going to find a replacement to be king. And that boy is Artie!"
Bobby blinked.
"AKA King Arthur!" Ray said.
"Ohhhhh," Bobby said. "That's not so bad."
"I wasn't finished," Ray snapped. "Played by Justin Timberlake!" (12)
Bobby screamed like a Pietro while the theme from Psycho played.
"Oh, get over it," Remy said. "It's not dat bad."
"How do you know?" Ray said. "For all we know, you might have to be the one who plays him when The Authoress parodies the movie."
"How do y' know dat y' won' be playin' him?" Remy asked.
"Because Puss in Boots is in Shrek 3," Ray said. "But I still don't get why I'm him, and not Robbie or…Evan or someone."
"Because The Authoress is truly weird like that," Kurt said, bamfing in. "And while Robbie would make more sense because of Antonio and all, he's going to be Prince Charming. And The Authoress loves Puss in Boots, and she doesn't really like Evan, so…yeah. Plus, your hair's the same color as Puss in Boots's fur."
Forge came running in. "Have you seen Sam anywhere?" he asked.
"No," Everyone said. "Why?"
Forge sighed and leaned against the wall. "Because I'm pretty much The Director for all of The Authoress's parodies, and I need to find Sam so I can turn him into an ogre."
"Ah," Ray said.
"Good luck wit' dat," Remy said, and they all watched the music video on Rogue's DVD.
Forge glared and stalked off. "I ruin one school dance…" he muttered.
(1) – The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I had to watch it with my cousins once. Ugh. (shudders)
(2) – Ahem. If I must…the ep On Angel's Wings.
(3) – Honestly, if you don't know where that's from by now…you're pathetic.
(4) – My mom's fiancé wears way too much of that stuff.
(5) – My little cousin did that to my even littler cousin when she was 3 (the littler cousin, not the little cousin). It took her five whole seconds before she started crying. Same thing happened the time my little cousin slammed the door on my littler cousin's fingers – 6 times in a row. And yes, both times, my little cousin said, "Oops."
(6) – From Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I haven't read the book, and I've only seen the last half hour of the movie while I was waiting for Star Wars 3 to start in the theater a few doors down. But I saw the bit about the Point of View gun! And now one of you will yet at me to a) read the book, b) watch the movie, or c) both.
(7) – Yes, they were mocking him. Those were some of Shrek and Robin Hood's lines. Which explains Jubes's REALLY WEIRD ACCENT.
(8) – Yes, the Bourbon Land bazooka is green. And, in case you don't know, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, and Tinky Winky are the Teletubbies. Remember those names, because if you're ever in a torture room and hear any of those, well, then, you know you're going to die.
(9) – In case you don't remember, in one of the flashbacks, Remy told Rogue about the time he lost to Jamie at DDR. Jamie got a AA, Remy got a D. Hence the size.
(10) – In case you don't know what an ankh is, it's like a cross, but it has a loop on the top. Like the earrings that Wanda wears.
(11) – You should know this, but 666 is the sign of the devil. Like how in the movie Bedazzled (hm, maybe I should parody that. As soon as I get that stupid plotbunny off my arm) Brendan Fraser typed in 666 in the calculator thingie. Fun fact: My uncle was almost born on June 6! His birthday would've been June 6, 1966, or 6–6-66, which I personally think would've been BEYOND COOL! But he was born on the 7th like, REALLY early in the morning.
(12) – Yes, Justin Timberlake. JT. The AfroMan of NSYNC (and seriously, WTF was up with that hair?). Playing King Arthur.
And th-th-th-that's all, folks! Now I must begin my work on Redneck Shrek. Oy. Well, it will hopefully be up by the next weekend. Hopefully. I'm not making any promises. And if anyone's confused, my phrase "screaming like a Pietro" is the equivalent to "screaming like a girl." Yeah. Review, please! Thank you!