Gonou Lives
Disclaimer—I still don't own Saiyuki.
A/N—This story takes place one year after "To Where You Are." You'll want to read that first. This is a 38 fic (sort of) ….Meaning that if you have something against yaoi you'll want to stop reading.
Part 1: Unbreak My Heart
Sanzo
I stare out at our once beautiful garden. I've let it go unkempt for a year now—one hellish year. The rest of the house is immaculate, not a speck of dust or dirty dish to be seen. It looks just the way it did when he was still alive…not that he'd ever seen it. But the garden. I just can't force myself to go out there. It was the place we'd made love that day in the rain. The sacred place where we banished each other's demons for once and for all. I stare out in the over grown yard and picture it the way it was. I can still see Hakkai sitting on the bench, a Braille book on his lap and his smile in place. "I love the scent of the roses. Arigato, Sanzo, for helping me plant them," he said to me. There are no roses now, only over grown weeds and thorn bushes. I know this is stupid, every bit as stupid as Gojyo growing out his hair.
I turn back to the kitchen where Gojyo sits at the table. We kept our promises, all of us, but I still can't get used to him being here. "We should do something about the garden," I say lamely.
"About time," he replies. "Houmei sent some food back with me. It's in the fridge if you're interested." Gojyo's mothering falls short, but we promised we'd all take care of each other and we have. No of us have Hakkai's knack for it.
"Thanks man. How're the kids?" It's something Hakkai would have asked, something I wouldn't have asked until a year ago. I've picked up on a few of Hakkai's little tricks…keep the questions and conversations rolling away from what you want to hide.
"They're hyper little monkeys, that's for sure. I told him he'd better learn to wrap it up or they'd need to build another inn just for all the brats."
"Did you see Lirin before you came home?" I know he's started to see her. I think Gojyo has finally met his match. It almost makes me happy knowing that Kougaiji is having fits over his kid sister's taste in men. At least this time she picked a straight guy.
"Yeah, I saw her. She told me to tell you that she says 'hi.'" He looks away. We both feel the strain of keeping this conversation going without mentioning it. He clears his throat. "You know tomorrow is…"
"I know." No one has to remind me. It will be a year to the day tomorrow. Exactly one year since I held him one last time as he died. A year since he gave his life for me.
"Are you going to his grave?"
"I don't know. It won't change anything." Standing, I glance back over my shoulder and into the setting sun that glimmers over our garden. The days are longer now. Summer has come again, but I feel cold all of the time. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Okay, but I know how you feel. You're not the only one who lost him," he tells me.
I walk up the stairs and down the hall. For a moment, my hand lingers on the door knob of the room we once shared. He would be sitting on the bed stripped down to a pair of pajama pants with that damned cloth in place over his eyes or rather the lack thereof. He'd smile as he heard me come in. It was his custom to wait up for me no matter how late I was. "I was wondering when you'd come." The vision vanishes as I open the door. Our bed is neatly made and empty. The week after he died, I bought a single mattress and put it on the floor of our room. It eats up space, but it's a necessity. I can't sleep in our bed alone, and I can't force myself to get rid of the bed that we'd spent some many hours together in.
So many memories. They all swirl around in my head. Maybe they are all that's left of either of us. I know he asked me to live for him, but I just can't seem to summon up any real life. I died with him. I hold what is left of both of us in my broken heart. I tried so long to come alive again. I would wake up and smoke a cigarette that I didn't enjoy and stare into the rising sun hoping that today was the day that I could start to feel again. I'm out of hope now. Damn it, Hakkai, why didn't you let me die? Without you I have nothing.
I lie in bed and drift into sleep. His smiling face haunts me in my dreams. I can see him standing on the top of the hill underneath our tree…the tree he rests under now. His green eyes are bright and the sun glances off his dark hair. Reaching out a hand to me, he calls, "Hurry, Sanzo! Hurry up, and come with me!" I try to run, but my feet won't move. I'm transfixed there as he disappears into a mist. The Goddess stands next to me laughing. "He was meant to leave you."
I toss of the sheet and shake away the dream. Morning's light streams through the window and I shut the drapes against it. I remember moments in darkness with him. He was always more open when he knew that I couldn't see him either. He said it made him feel like my equal, but we were never equal. Cho Hakkai was always the better man, and that's why I loved him.
Suddenly, the full weight of his loss hits me. I remember holding him as he choked and coughed up his own blood. "Sanzo," he gasped. "I love you. I don't want to leave you…cough…but I have to. You have to live for me."
"No, you're going to be fine. We'll grow old together, Hakkai. I love you. Please don't leave me! I can't live on my own!" I cried. Tears flowed down my cheeks unchecked. I knew he was dying and I couldn't face it.
"You have to. cough, cough You'll never be alone. Never alone…I…Love…you." With those words he died. I cradled his limp body in my arms letting my tears mix with his blood.
Brushing away the new tears from my cheeks, I pick up his prized possession, the watch that Kanan had given him. I know how he felt all of those years ago, but he lived after her death and I have to live after his. I promised.
Hakuryu chirps sadly as he perches on the windowsill above me. He's been my constant companion since Hakkai died. The dragon is the only "person" who misses Hakkai as much as I do. Everyone else seems to get along just fine.