Part 10: Here With Me

Sanzo

It feels like the air has been pushed out of my chest. No more. I can't take it. There has to be a way out of this nightmare. I stand up and walk out of the room without another word. I walk into the night stealing a glance to the moon lit garden.

How far away are you? How do I reach you? I have to find you, Hakkai. I will find you and I'll bring you back to me. You belong to me. I will find you. Finding my way down our old forgotten paths, I hold to the hope that somehow you remember these places. If there is anything left of the man that I love in you, you will be there waiting for me.

I didn't realize I was running until I'm falling to my knees from exhaustion. Damn cigarettes. Shakily dragging myself up, I look around me. The forest has changed in the past quarter century. Is it still even here? I was such an idiot to think that I could just come out here and find him waiting. Nothing looks familiar. That's just fucking wonderful. Not only did I make an ass out of myself, but I'm lost.

I sit against a tree and rest my head. This is unreal. Twenty-five years gone in the blink of an eye. The world isn't what I knew before. Gojyo and Goku have led lives in the time that I have been gone. They have raised children that are now as old as I am. Goku isn't a kid anymore. Gojyo is settled. What the fuck is going on? Where do I go from here?

Opening my eyes, I notice the smooth boulder in the clearing. Son of bitch! This is it. This was our spot. My hands shake as I drag them across its surface. We used to take long walks. We would spend hours roaming through the woods in silence. Back then, he was still coming out of his depression and I wasn't sure how to say what I was feeling. Somehow we would always end up here, sitting side by side on the rock. On days when he was feeling better, he'd ask me what I saw as we went through the forest. I didn't know what to say to that because all the while, I hadn't been watching the scenery. Even at his worst, he had a way about him that I couldn't deny. I remember sitting on this stone and telling him that I loved him for the first time. True, I'd let him know before, but we were here when I actually got the words to come out.

Something in the bushes moves in front of me and I aim my gun. "Come out and save me the trouble of hunting you down!"

"I….I didn't mean to intrude," a soft voice appoligizes as he steps from the shadows.

I let the gun fall. "Hakkai!"

Even now I recognize him. The demon form and silver eyes don't change that. He looks stunned. "What did you call me?" he asks.

"I called you Hakkai. Cho Hakkai. That's your name," I tell him.

He steps back shaking. "My name is Gonou." He shakes his head and looks at me with a pained expression. "I should know you. Who are you?"
"It's me. It's Sanzo. And you are Hakkai." Moving slowly toward him, I reach my hand out for him. "Don't you remember who you really are?"

"No, I… I can't let her down again." He slaps my hand away and falls to his knees. "I can't let anything bad happen to her."

"Hakkai, she's not Kanan. The things that she makes you do aren't you. Don't you see it? She's using you!"

"NOOOOOO!" The sound of his cry echoes through the forest and he hurls himself at me. His claws barely scrape my cheek, and he rushes on by me.

I don't bother to follow, because I know that he has started to realize the truth