Part 20: Just to See You Smile

Hakkai

I woke up and I knew something was wrong. Staring out the window, the world looks as though it's veiled in a white cloud. I look at Sanzo sleeping beside me. Though he is still clear, even he becomes slightly blurred if I step back. This can't be happening. I gently touch his shoulder. "Sanzo, wake up."

"Kill you," he murmurs still unconscious.

"Sanzo," I say louder.

He sits up straight and reaches for his gun. "What? What's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothing," I lie. "I just wanted to talk."

Reaching up and raking a hand through his golden hair, he fixes me with a half awake, violet-eyed glare. Even now, he's the most perfect looking man I've ever seen. I know that I have to enjoy it while I can. Who knows how long it will last. He shifts uneasily under my gaze. "You sure there's not something wrong."

I just nod and force a smile. "You're so beautiful in the morning. I never realized what I was missing before."

"Hakkai, for everything being ok, you're acting like a real pain in the ass." He sighs and walks to the window where my view of him is dimmed, and I smell the smoke of his cigarette.

I walk up beside him not wanting to miss out on a thing. Wrapping my arms around him, I admire the sun caught in his hair. His hands are stunningly delicate for a man, even with the slight tobacco stain on his fingers. The bare skin on his chest is a shade lighter than that of his face. I miss nothing about him. And then I think back to something he told me. "I wish you could see my smile, Hakkai. You taught me that. I may not do it as often as you do, but I smile more now that I have in my whole life." He told me that the day we made love in the rain. I want to see it at least once.

Pulling him to me, I kiss him softly and look into those violet eyes. "Smile for me, Sanzo, please," I beg.

He only looks more worried. "Hakkai, just tell me what's wrong already? I can't take much more of this."

"I'm sorry, Sanzo. I don't mean to upset you."

"You drive me insane, you know that?" He tosses the cigarette out the open window and pulls me to him. His kiss is hard and deep, just like the man. My heart pounds as he touches me. "Do you remember when we did this every night?"

"How could I forget?" I ask still feeling the rush of those hands on my body. "I love you."

He smiles. "I love you, too."

I have to hold back the mist of tears in my eyes. There it is. I have waited forever it seems just to this. His smile is the one thing that was missing in my heart when we were together before. Seeing is believing and now I have seen it. I can honestly believe those words from so many years ago. I touch his cheek gently, and kiss the corner of his mouth. "Make love to me," I whisper.

This isn't love in the dark. Despite the distortion at the edges, I see everything. I watch him touch me with feather softness along my scar and moan. Never once do I close my eyes, but by the time we are done, the room has gone almost completely dark. I stare at his shadowy form lying on my chest. How do I tell him?

I bite my lip. "Sanzo, there's something I have to tell you."

"I know."

"You know?" I ask puzzled. How could he know?

"I know that look on your face when something's got you worked up. I've been watching you since the day I met you. There never was anyone else in my world," he says.

A knock on the door interrupts my confession. Goku calls from outside, "Hakkia, Sanzo, you guys better get down here."

I stay a step behind him on the way down. I don't know these darkened halls, but if I let him guide me, he will know. This isn't how I want him to find out.

In the kitchen, shadows stand all around. I can't make anyone out for certain, but I hear Gojyo's halting steps coming up behind me. "Kid looks like Goku, doesn't he?" Gojyo comments.

Making a non committal shrug, I try to place the stranger in the room.

"Genjyo Sanzo," a new voice greets. "Cho Hakkia. It is an honor to meet you both. I am Shinta."

"Who would have guessed Goku's kid would be a monk?" Sanzo mutters. "I'm guessing this isn't just a social call?"

"Unfortunately not," Shinta says regretfully. "I have come from Chang An with a message for you Sanzo-sama. The Three Aspects wish that you find and apprehend Nii for his crimes. Also, Cho Hakkai, they wish that you come with me to the temple."

"Like Hell he will," my lover snarls. "I'm not letting them punish him."

"No, you misunderstand. They wish to fully purify him of the mind altering agent Nii gave him. No harm shall come to him, they specifically told me to assure you of that."

"Give us a minute," I ask, and listen to their steps as they leave the room.

"I'm not leaving you," he says protectively.

I shake my head. "Go for me, please. I don't think I can handle them. Not like this."

He sighs deeply. "I don't trust this. You remember that they wanted you executed last time?"

"I do, but this is different," I say honestly. I think they already have punished me this time, but I need to find out for myself. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry that I can't tell you this. "You have to go."

"Fine," he says simply. "I'll go ask Kougaiji and Goku to come along."

I hear him leave and sigh with relief. It's a shame I don't have my cane, because I am not sure how to get out here. A long time has past since I knew the inn's layout by heart and feel. Steps come behind me.

"Hakkai." I turn towards Gojyo's voice. "Why didn't you tell him?

A knot forms in my throat. "Am I that obvious?"

"I noticed. And Shinta doesn't look a damn thing like either parent. What the fuck kind of game are you playing?"

"Please, don't tell him. I need to go to Chang An and get some answers. But I can't go alone. Will you come with me?"

His hand lies on my shoulder. "Do you even have to ask?"

"Thank you, my firend."