Part 24: My Own Prison

Hakkai

"Fancy place," Gojyo comments as we walk up the stairs to the temple.

"It's been years since I've been here," I say absently.

Shinta has said very little this entire trip. I wonder if he is offended by me and my crimes. I don't blame him if he is. There was a time when I feared that was how Sanzo saw me. Simply a killer with a reason.

"You okay with this, Hakkai?'

"It's not as if I have much of a choice."

"We can go no farther," Shinta says softly. "Someone will be out to guide you in shortly, Hakkai."

"You sure this is what you want? You'll be okay?" Gojyo asks again.

"I'll be fine."

Footsteps approach. "Cho Hakkai, I will take you from here."

I told Gojyo that I would be fine on my own. Kneeling before them now, the smallest part of me wonders if that was true. I can't see a thing, but the echoes in the room tell me that it is very large. I can remember being here before. Being judged for something that I did for the woman I loved. "Sinner Cho Gonou," I still hear them say in my mind even in the silence. If it hadn't been for Sanzo I would have been forced to find my penitence by basically giving up my own life willingly. Though it wasn't a formal execution they wanted, it was bad enough. Sanzo saved me, and somehow I think that was what they had really wanted all along, for Sanzo to embrace me. Who knows what the Gods really want?

"Cho Hakkai," I hear one of the voices say. "You have come before us tainted by the science of Dr. Nii. Will you accept purification so that you may continue your life?"

I breathe a slight sigh of relief. "I know it may be impertinent of me to ask, but I do have a questions."

"Be brief. You need to be cleansed before the next sunset if you are to ever be freed of the poison in your system. Despite what you may think, we did not cause your blindness. There shall be no punishment. "

"Why am I not being punished? Everything that I am is an abomination," I admit.

They are silent for a moment and then a female voice replies, "We do not hold you accountable for the things that have been done to you. Nii was an evil man with a dark heart. Long has he perverted science to meet his own desires for destruction. His threat has passed."

I nod. "Who was the woman using my sister's name?"

"Her name was Sari. Months ago, she was raped by a band of criminals and abandoned by her family and fiancé. Nii used her for his own twisted gain, and then killed her."

I should have tried to save her. She was as much of a pawn as I was. There was a chance that she could have broken free as well. My chest is tight, as I have one more question. "Will I see again?"

"That is a question we will not answer lightly. Go and be cleaned."

In my heart, I had already known this. "Thank you."

I bow lower and feel a hand on my left arm. "This way," the monk commands. I follow his lead through long halls. It seems like it is days before we reach our destination. "Sit and I will bring the remedy."

I reach out and feel for the edge of the chair. To my surprise, it is a bed instead of a chair. I guess I'm staying here for a while. "How long must I remain here?"

"Until the poison is gone," he says plainly. I shouldn't have expected a straight answer.

I drink when a cup is pressed into my hands, and instantly I feel myself begin to fade into a sea of memories. My past has come alive before me and I am staring into emerald eyes identical to my own. Kanan. There is a slight crash as the cup shatters on the floor.

I remember this day. We had come home from the market just as it was beginning to rain. Kanan laughed as I wiped droplets from my glasses. "I love the rain, Gonou. It reminds me that everything will be new again someday."

There was a genuine smile on my face as I pulled her to me. "Shall we go for a walk?"

"In the pouring rain? My hair will be soaked!"

"And you'll be beautiful as always. Come on."

She followed me out the door and we held hands as we strolled along. People stared at us from under their umbrellas. They dismissed us as lovers too caught up in each other to have any real sense. Maybe that's exactly what we were.

The rain turns red before me. I killed them all that night. They deserve to die, I told myself. Kanan was the only pure one in this world and they hurt her. They deserve to die. None of it seemed real as I gutted them one after another. Blood splattered over my clothes and wet my hands. To me, it felt like water. The color wasn't even warning enough for me to stop. My blade moved on it's own. Nothing seemed real until I saw her face.

Her eyes widened as she saw the blood covering me. We had both gone to far to escape that night. There were choices to be made and we both chose wrong. I never imagined she would take the knife from my side. I never thought that she would rather die than live. Kanan. It's all over now. I'm so sorry, but that all comes too late, doesn't it?

The rain is still falling. Will it ever stop? A blonde sits in the window staring at the darkened sky. His past is just as painful as mine. Maybe that's why I want to be with him. Someone who knows why I can't stand the memories. Someone who knows what it is like to run from the past that you can't face. Genjyo Sanzo is this the only thing that holds us together. Please, don't let go. If you let go, I'll die.

The sun is setting in the Western sky. Is this the end?