"So, was that all Pacey's fault too?" Bessie is giving me a look somewhere between an angry glare and a knowing leer. Pacey may have fooled her the first time she walked in on us, but I was definitely not fighting him off the second.
I wipe sweaty palms that, I am all too aware, were just caressing him, on my jeans. I cannot help myself from nervously biting my lip, and find that I can still taste him, still feel his kiss. I am tense and jumpy, all my nerves still flaring from his touch, refusing to let me calm down. Bessie is still watching me, waiting for a comment. The knowing leer seems now to be the dominant expression. I open my mouth to answer, and though I am not sure what to say, as I begin to speak part of what just happens suddenly registers in my brain.
"He loves me," I say, still shocked by his declaration and trying to process it. Hearing the words makes it seem more real, so I say them again. "He loves me."
When Bessie left after first finding us I'd vaguely intended to make some excuses and flee to my room to think, but the stakes are now much higher and I think that if I can calm Bessie down a bit, I could really use some advice. I think I'd again fallen into an old habit of taking Pacey for granted, and only now that I am thinking more clearly do I realize that he would not have jeopardized our friendship for something as fleeting as a few kisses, however steamy and delicious. I wonder whether I can say the same.
Bessie is looking suspicious, and I feel sorry for Pacey that everyone should be so willing to assume the worst when it comes to him. "Are you just guessing that, or did he actually say so? Because you know, Jo, it's not unheard of for guys to say things they don't necessarily mean in the heat of the moment, or to get something they want..."
"Bessie!" I exclaim, honestly shocked. "Yes, he did say so, but only as he was leaving...he said that he didn't want me to discard it as just hormones, and that he'd loved me for a long time, and that he couldn't help it anymore, and that I needed to know that this had meant something to him. Besides...it wasn't his fault. Both times I started it."
Now Bessie was shocked. I didn't blame her; I don't think I've ever done anything so impulsive in my life, and normally anything at all sexual has me fleeing to the intellectual distance provided by excessive analysis. Maybe I should just keep talking; if I do, maybe I can explain it to myself as much as to her.
"I just...I was sleeping, and I woke up, and there he was. And it was like I suddenly realized that he'd always been there, waiting for me to wake up, and once I did there wasn't anything more important than him and me, and I saw that no one makes me feel like he does." Bessie is looking thoughtfully into the embers of the fire.
"And how is it that he makes you feel?" she asks.
"Alive," I whisper. "When he looks at me, I feel like the most powerful, most desirable woman in the world, and when he touches me, I feel more alive than I ever thought I could. And I can't believe I'm saying this about anyone, let alone Pacey, but it's true, and it's always been true, and for some reason I just didn't realize it until tonight."
"Ok, explain to me one thing. If this is all at your instigation, why did he jump forward to make it sound like he was forcing himself on you? Not that I believed him, really," she added. "I mean, the way you were grabbing him? And don't think I didn't hear that 'oh, Pacey,' when I was coming down the hallway." I blush at her imitation of me, but don't deny it. In all honesty, I don't have a clear recollection of what I was doing before she came in, and may very well be guilty of moaning like that.
"Well, he wasn't thinking very clearly," I start, knowing full well that I'm probably about the colour of a tomato by now. "I think all he registered was that you were angry, and he was trying to make you mad at him instead of at me. It's part of this whole protective, knight in shining armour complex he's got going." I try to stop myself from grinning goofily at how sweet he can be, and rather impose a look of casual scorn on my face. From the way Bessie's eyeing me, I don't think I quite succeed. I find myself growing rather defensive. After all, what right does she have to get angry at me for just kissing a boy?
"Besides," I say somewhat snarkily, "you've benefited from this. I mean, would we have ever gotten the B & B going without him? I don't think so. It's a good thing he saw us as damsels in distress. And anyway, why are you so mad? I'm in highschool. What's so wrong with kissing?"
"Nothing," says Bessie. "It's just...well, you were awfully...uninhibited. I mean, what ever happened to the angsty buildup before every step in a relationship? The excessive verbal analysis of every overture? I mean, even when you were dating Dawson and Jack, I never walked in on anything even remotely approaching what went on here tonight. I mean... that was pretty hot. I'm just worried. I don't want you being rushed into anything you're not ready for."
I wince at the reminder of Dawson. Bessie clearly notices, because her next question obliges me to think about what I've been avoiding all evening. "And what about Dawson? I mean, I guess you're entitled to a spicy fling on the way to your destiny with your soul mate, but with his best friend? That's not cool, Jo. That could tear you all apart."
"I know," I say miserably. And I really do know. And I'm pretty sure Pacey does too, and that it was one of the many reasons he's been sitting on the sidelines rather than pursuing me. "I don't want to make trouble. And if it was any other guy, I'd be so relieved. And if it was Dawson, I'd be thrilled. I spent so much of my life wrapped up in him, because he was so safe. And I always thought that was my future. But then Pacey came along, and he is so much more than we ever thought he was, and he challenges me, and sees me for what I am, and he loves me...and I don't have any idea what it is I feel for him." I look pleadingly at Bessie, wanting her to give me answers. "Do I love Dawson? And what about Pacey? Do I love him, or is it just...just lust?" I choke a bit on the last word, reluctant to admit the possibility that I could have been using Pacey in so crass a manner. Bessie gathers me in a hug, and I cling to her, embarrassingly close to tears.
"Well, you kissed him again after he told you he loved you, right? Do you love him too?"
"I don't know," I whisper, shame rushing through me. "I just knew that he was walking away, and I had to stop him because I needed...I don't know...more. He said that he didn't expect anything from me, and that he knew I didn't love him, but then I stopped him and I kissed him." I hated to think about what I had done to Pacey. I had known he wouldn't be able to push me away, and had kissed him without any thought of his declaration. Oh God, what if he thinks that I was trying to tell him that I love him, too? That is very much not something I can say with any confidence. He must be so confused right now. He was being so sweet and considerate, not to mention restrained, and I took what I wanted from him before sending him out into the night, alone. I know I've heard Dawson complain about how hard it is to be the person he sees himself as, but never until now have I really understood what he meant.
"Oh, honey," Bessie says sympathetically, rubbing my back as I start to cry. "I always thought you and Dawson were meant for each other, but you're right, Pacey's showing a side I never noticed before. I can't answer those questions for you, but I can tell you to follow your heart. Also, you need to tell Dawson what's going on." I tense noticeably at these words, but she keeps talking. "I know it will be hard, but it would be harder for him to find out on his own. I mean, if he had walked in when I did...well, that wouldn't have been pretty. I think you need to talk to Pacey, too, but before both those things you need to go through your own head and heart a little. At the very least, sleep on it all." I nod, recognizing sound advice even though I'm sure I won't be able to sleep a wink. I hug Bessie again.
"Thanks, Bessie," I say. "You've really helped."
"That's what big sisters are for," she says, grinning. "Now get to bed." I head off, but stop when she calls my name. "Just for the record...he's a good kisser, then? 'Cause I'm guessing it wasn't just any ordinary kiss that would make Joey Potter go that ga-ga." I'm blushing again, but this time I don't mind. For some reason Bessie makes this girl talk thing seem less repellant than usual.
"Oh yeah," I say, grinning. I turn and go up to my room, feeling my grin slide away as I contemplate the morning and the confrontations that must come.