A.N.: As you can maybe tell, I've reached the point at which I'm not sure where the story is heading, but I'm going to keep winging it and hope I get my momentum back in the next update. It doesn't help that I've sort of stopped watching the show because right now they're airing seasons 5 and 6, which bug me...That said, if anyone is willing to beta future updates before I put them up, could you email me? I'd love someone to help me cut down my prose. I think I'm getting too wordy.
I'm trying to talk myself out of my nervousness as I enter the crowded halls of Capeside High School. I go to school every day. Well, every day I don't skip. And I see Joey Potter every day. Only today is the day we have to talk over the fact that I love her, and she's...well...attracted to me. This is a conversation I have been avoiding for a long time, and frankly would be perfectly happy to avoid indefinitely if I didn't think it would be incredibly unfair to both of us. All the same, I'm fairly certain that at some point during the next twenty-four hours I'm going to have to listen to her actually say the words "I don't love you," or something equivalent, and at the moment I can't think of anything that is less appealing than that. I'm perfectly happy to live in limbo as long as I still hold onto the small ray of hope I think will be dashed to pieces after I actually talk to her. All the same, I'm trying really hard to be mature about this. Joey means a lot to me, and she deserves more than juvenile avoidance tactics.
I round the corner, heading down the hall where her locker is, and sure enough, the crowds part to reveal her, standing there talking to Jen as though she doesn't have a care in the world. I'm fairly certain my face is painfully clearly expressing what I'm feeling, but in the moment when I first see her all my defences are down, and before I have a chance to regroup she turns to look at me, and my thoughts are freshly scattered.
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As predicted, I didn't get much sleep last night. I tossed and turned, and the little sleep I did get was filled with restless and disturbingly X-rated dreams featuring a certain cretin I'm trying really hard not to think about right now. With Dawson I pined, and with Jack I was mostly confused, but no one has ever worked me up into the kind of tizzy Pacey has.
I'm getting my books out of my locker, chatting idly with Jen, trying not to let on how distracted I am, when I see him. Jen's thanking me again for a wonderful weekend, which is really sweet of her, and passing on compliments from Grams, and all I can do is watch as he approaches us. He's got a look on his face that I realize, with some shock, I have seen many times before without being able to identify it. Now I can interpret it all too easily. Just by looking at me, he's saying 'I love you. I adore you. I'm giving my heart and soul to you; please don't hurt them too badly.' I know that all sounds terribly melodramatic, but so was the awful vulnerability on his face at that moment. Thank God Jen has her back to him. I hope he pulls himself together a bit before she notices him, which probably won't be long because I've clearly zoned out and am staring at him. Oops.
Jen turns to see what I'm looking at, and waves at Pacey. "Morning, Pacey!" she says kindly. He jumps slightly and turns to her.
"Morning, Jen. Have a good evening?" He's smirking, and almost looks like normal. Jen blushes. There must be a story here that I'm missing. Oh no, now he's turning back to me.
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I try to stop myself, but I can't help it. "Good morning, Josphine," I say. I know my voice has gone soft and serious. I also know that I shouldn't be using her full name, but I love the sound of it, and I'm hoping Joey will give me a break this morning and refrain from calling me on it. Jen has to know what I'm thinking, but my casual banter skills have abandoned me this morning. Joey's looking at me uncertainly, biting her lip. I wonder what she would do if I were to reach out and run my thumb over that lip, then down her face and her neck to her shoulder. If I were to push her gently back against the lockers, cupping her face in one hand as I kissed her long, and slow, and deep, our bodies pressed tightly against one another...
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Pacey's giving me that look again. Not the puppy dog one, but the one where I'm all he sees and he really wants to kiss me. I wonder what he would do if I ran a hand up his chest until I grabbed his face and pulled his lips down to mine. I wonder if he would make that amazing little sound at the back of his throat, if his hands would go to my waist, to pull me flush against him...
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My, it looks like I wasn't the only one to have an interesting evening yesterday. Something clearly happened between Pacey and Joey, and I'm dying to know what. They're stuck in a hormonally-induced trance, completely ignoring me. Wow, are they ever lucky Dawson and Andie haven't shown up yet. I see them shift slightly towards each other, and should really say something before either of them does something they'll regret.
"So, Joey," I say with overdone cheerfulness. I smirk as she starts, looking nervously at me. Now I definitely have her attention. "Is there anything else I can help with at the B&B? I'd be happy to stop by lend a hand if you need any more help."
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Oh God. What the hell was that? I am turning into the worst kind of girly girl. I can't believe I let Pacey turn me into jelly like that with just a look. And now Jen's smirking at me. She must know something happened. If anyone could figure it out just by looking at the two of us, it would be her. Well, at least she doesn't seem to be angry. In fact, she seems rather amused. I suppose I should answer her.
"No, I think we're covered for now; thanks a lot for your offer. And please pass on my thanks to Grams. It was really great of her to help out this weekend." I am sincere in my appreciation, and I hope she knows that. It really was wonderful of everyone to help out.
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Well, it's a good thing Jen's here. I'm going to have to talk to her at some point and get her feedback on what's going on. Also, get her to keep an eye on me in case I zone out again. Maybe I should have her chaperone Joey and I from now on. With the air this charged between us, I'm not entirely sure I trust myself alone around her at the moment. Joey's thanking her for this weekend, and I can tell she's honestly grateful. We're both lucky to have such good friends.
For a moment I'm able to put aside everything else that's happening and just be glad that the whole weekend turned out so well for the Potter family. My affection for the family is almost entirely separate from my feelings for Joey, and I've always wanted only the best for them. I like to think I'd have acted the same even if I didn't happen to be in love with the youngest Potter sister. In this flush of good will, I even manage to not be entirely put off by the appearance of Dawson.
"Hi guys!" he exclaims, and I can't help but notice that Joey glances at me with a guilty, stricken expression before looking back at him. I hope she catches my re-assuring glance, but I am quickly turning away from her to Dawson, greeting him with a heartiness that anyone else would see as false. However, I have almost unlimited faith in Dawson's complete inability to see any change that isn't forced upon him.
"Hey, man," I grin. I clap him on the shoulder, forcing myself to seem comfortable around him. In a cliché that none of us would tolerate in fiction the bell rings at that moment, providing a convenient exit from the awkward scene. I turn to Joey, staying pointedly casual.
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I don't know how Pacey is acting like normal. I suppose, if he's to be believed, he's been hiding things and acting casual for a long time now. He has more practice than I do. I can't see any hesitation in his interaction with Dawson, which is good, because it means he's occupying our friend's attention. I barely hide a sigh of relief when the bell goes. I'm shoving the last of my books hurriedly into my bag, and I jump when Pacey touches my arm. I look at his hand resting on my bare skin, and he quickly removes it.
"Listen, Jo, I just remembered what I forgot to tell you last night." There's more? What else does he want to say? "I wanted to talk to you about the heat," he said, and my eyes widen. What's he doing talking about this in front of other people? Am I the only one who notices how sexy and husky his voice is? And speaking of heat, is it warm in here or is it just me? "You might want to give Bessie a heads up that the furnace guy is coming by today." I heave a sigh of relief, relaxing until I hear what comes next. A spark of humour glistens briefly in Pacey's eye as he sees me pondering the two ways our conversation can be interpreted. "I thought maybe I could stop by tonight and you could tell me what he says...so I can fix it better next time." His posture is casual, probably because Dawson's standing behind him, but his eyes are looking intently into mine. I guess he was serious about talking today.
"Yeah, that sounds great," I say, quietly. "Thanks." He gives me a simple, sincere smile, one without any strings attached, just gladness that we're friends. I smile back, despite my fears that nothing will ever be simple again.
"See you later, then," he says, and if I didn't know better I'd really assume that we were only discussing household maintenance. He turns back to Dawson, who's waiting for him. "You coming, man?" he asks, grinning, and the two walk off for class .,. leaving me with Jen. She's looking at me expectantly. I'd love to get rid of her, but she's in my first period class. Damn.
"So, you want to tell me what's going on?" she asks. "Because if, say, there was some circumstance that you wanted to talk about, it's often helpful to get another girl's opinion, especially if it's something that you can't talk to your best friend about, for some reason..." I sigh in exasperation. She's probably right, but after Bessie, and knowing the conversation I have to have with Pacey later, talking is the last thing I want to do right now.
"I don't know what you're talking about ," I say, lying through my teeth. "Nothing unusual's going on. You must be imagining it." I sweep past her, letting the crowds of students in the hall to separate us.