Author's Note: Finally, the next chapter! You will notice that some of this involves wishful thinking, given that the characters here are clearly are not reacting as they did on the show. But hey, that's part of the fun of fic. Also, a gazillion thanks to Kel and Kim for their help!
"So, Pacey's coming by here later to talk" Bessie confirms for the millionth time since I got home from school. I thought it was best to let her know, if only so she doesn't get pissy at me again when he shows up.
"Yes" I say, and she raises her eyebrows at my testy tone, as though I don't have every right to be on edge. I've spent the whole day at school mulling over the conversation I'm about to have, and I still don't have any clear idea what it is I'm going to say. I wish I didn't feel this way about Pacey, but since I do, I wish I knew what this feeling is. If I do decide to act on it, I wish I knew how Dawson would react. I wish Pacey wasn't being so selfless, because he's making me feel like a heel. When I was dealing with Dawson, I knew that at the very least he would fight for what he wanted. I have a feeling Pacey will go along with whatever I say I think is best, regardless of the cost to him.
I take my frustration out on a bunch of carrots, chopping them into uneven chunks. If Bodie were here he'd make fun of me for them, so I take a deep breath and force myself to be more careful. Although I have been waiting for it, I am nevertheless so startled when I do hear a knock on the door that I nick myself with the knife. I swear, and tell Bessie to get the door. She smirks at me and moves to the door as I run my thumb under cold water. "Pacey" Bessie says welcomingly.
"Hey, Bessie" he says. I can hear in his voice the false bravado he so often whips out when he's nervous. Given how much Bessie laid into him the last time he saw her, I don't blame him for being hesitant. I turn off the water and turn around. Pacey is standing just inside the doorway, shifting awkwardly on his feet, holding a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. My cut forgotten, my jaw drops open.
"Pacey, hi" I stammer. Bessie slips out of the room. "You brought me flowers" He shrugs, giving me a self-deprecating grin.
"Well, I've been spending all this time trying to quell these romantic impulses so you didn't figure me out, but at this point the cat's pretty much out of the bag, so I might as well give in."
-
Joey's looking at me like she's torn between wanting to yell at me, and wanting to do the girly melting thing. Knowing Joey, she's more likely to yell at me, but I figure that this evening either I will be told firmly to back off, in which case the window of opportunity for being openly in love with her is small and I should take advantage of it, or else, miracle of miracles, she might (not that she will, but I don't want to be too defeatist) actually decide we can pursue this...in which case flowers are a good way to start out. Much to my surprise, she smiles shyly and comes forward to take the flowers from me. She gives me an awkward, one-armed hug, and I return it as much as I dare. I stay silent as she rummages around in a cupboard for a vase, fills it with water, and arranges the flowers. Finally, I can't take it anymore. Even if I don't like the end, I'd kind of like to get this over with.
"So, maybe we could go out to the dock to talk" I suggest. I really don't want to risk Bessie eavesdropping on this conversation. Joey agrees, and we head out the door. The sun is just edging towards the horizon, although it's still at least two hours before it will be dark. Glancing at Joey I feel the same awe I always seem to when I look at her. For months now, just a peek at her profile has been able to take my breath away. The knowledge that I don't have to hide my feelings anymore brings a certain giddy, incredulous lightness, and it gives me courage to reach for her hand.
-
I jump a bit when he takes my hand. It feels disturbingly right to hold hands like this, but I don't really think I should encourage him. I look at him uncertainly, and see that he is gazing steadily at me. "Please" he whispers. The simple request goes straight to my heart. I smile slightly, and leave my hand in his as we walk down to the end of the dock. The sunset on the creek creates a quiet, romantic atmosphere. I wonder if he planned that, but as I look at him I see no guile in his expression.
"So" I lead, not actually having anything to say, but wanting to kickstart the conversation.
"So" he says, equally clueless. He's looking out at the creek, so I take the opportunity to study him. I don't know why I didn't realize until this year how handsome he is. I suppose he's grown up a lot recently, and that maturity lends a certain something to his demeanour. Add to that his sudden assumption of the role of romantic hero, and I'm not sure what to do with him. He played the comic sidekick well. I wonder now whether he might be even better in a new role, if given the opportunity.
His thumb is caressing the back of my hand. I don't even know if he's aware of it, but it makes my heartbeat start to speed up. Reluctantly, I take back my hand. Now he looks at me, hurt spreading across his face.
"I...I can't think when you're touching me" I admit in a whisper. "And this matters."
-
Well, I have no idea what to say to that. Obviously I want to keep touching her, but an honest statement like that is the best way to knock the wind out of me. Ok, so clearly we have some pretty potent chemistry going here. Not that I didn't know that before, but it's still kind of a shock to be reminded of it. Unlike Dawson, I don't want to pull any emotional or physical blackmail just to get her to be with me (I'm sorry, was that a bit snide?). If it's me she wants, I'll be over the moon. If not...well, that's what I expected all along. Somehow, I'll survive. I suppose I'd better start the conversation. I wonder when I became the mature, responsible one in our little triangle.
"Look, Joey...what I said last night...I meant it." Not the most suave opening in the world, but I thought I should lay that out at the beginning.
"How long" She asks, quietly. 'How long what?' I wonder, but before I ask, she clarifies. "How long have you...have you loved me" She has trouble getting it out, but to her credit, she does in the end.
"Forever" I sigh, wearily. She looks at me in surprise. "I mean, it's not like I was pining for you every second, and I suppose really consciously only a few months, but when I look back, it's always been you, on some level. Only you never wanted me. It was always Dawson." She clearly decides to pass on the Dawson issue for the moment. We're going to have to go there at some point, but I'm just as happy to put that off.
"What were you planning to do" she asks now. I shrug.
"Nothing. Don't look so surprised. What was I supposed to do? If you recall, the last time I tried anything with you I was rather firmly rejected, and I wasn't in a hurry for that to happen any time soon. If I didn't say anything, we were still friends. We could still hang out, and do that banter thing we do, and I could still do things for and with you without you looking for ulterior motives all over the place. I figure status quo is better than you feeling like you need to be on guard any time you're around me." Joey is silent, I suppose thinking about what I've said. I'm kind of on a roll, so I decide to push on.
"So now you know what my deal is, what about you? I can read you pretty well, but I'm not sure what's going on in your heart right now. I do think you owe it to both of us to be honest with yourself. I'm not going to be angry, and I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear. Please, just...just tell me what you want."
-
I don't have to look at Pacey to know that everything he's saying is true. It's incredible to be loved so completely and selflessly. No one, outside of my family, has ever made me feel so safe and wanted. I don't know what I could have done to deserve Pacey's love, and I certainly don't know what to do now that I have it. How do I feel? I glance at him, sitting patiently and understandingly, waiting for my answer. I'm overwhelmed by how touched I am that he could feel all this for me, do so much for me. I slide closer to him.
"Pacey, I know this isn't an answer, but I'm going to have to kiss you right now" I say, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. He grins ruefully, and I lean forward, gently placing my lips on his. For a moment he freezes, then I feel his hand come up to cup my jaw, his thumb caressing my cheek as he breaks the kiss, but rather than moving away he kisses me slightly more firmly. This is not the frantic making out of the night before, but a dreamy succession of kisses which show me Pacey's love as clearly as his declaration. He's not touching me at all except the hand on my face and the sweet, delicious brush of his lips on mine, but the way he lingers and sighs tells me there is nowhere else he would rather be, nothing he would rather be doing.
-
This is it. This is heaven. I think this is almost better than the explosive passion of the night before (almost...hey, I'm not a saint). Just the two of us and the sunset, Joey sitting by me with a dreamy smile on her face any time I pull away enough to look at her. I know I was going to try to force us to talk this out before I succumbed again, but I couldn't help myself. I am a weak, weak man, and Joey Potter is my biggest vulnerability. I hope I can do this forever. I am happily floating in a dreamlike state of contentment making me deaf to any distractions, which I suppose is why I don't hear anyone approach. I am cruelly and sharply brought to earth by the one sound I absolutely do not want to hear right now. Joey and I both jerk back sharply as we hear Dawson's voice. For heaven's sake, can I not, just once, kiss the woman I love without being interrupted?
I stand up; this is not a conversation where I want to give my opponent the advantage of towering over me. I reach out a hand to help Joey up, and much to my surprise she doesn't let go when we're upright. As we look at him, Dawson repeats his question. "I ask again: how long has this been going on for"
"It hasn't" I say, shortly. Maybe I should be trying to keep the hostility level of this conversation down, but I'm tired of Dawson viewing Joey as his property, and now that it seems I might actually have a chance with her I'm determined to stand up for the two of us.
"Do you want to explain what it was I just saw, then" he says in an obnoxiously snarky way.
"Well we were just trying to figure it out ourselves, but that's a lot harder to do with an audience" I say, equally snarkily.
-
I can see Pacey's getting angry. That isn't going to help at all, so I decide to jump in. Still holding his hand, I reach over and put my hand on his arm, hoping to calm him. It works, I think. Dawson, on the other hand, looks sharply down to where I'm touching him. It clearly irritates him, but since he just caught us kissing, I figure the damage is pretty much done. Plus, I don't really want to stop touching Pacey, and frankly at the moment he's a much more comforting presence.
"Dawson, not that it's any of your business, but it started last night. You'll have to forgive us if we took 24 hours to ourselves to figure out what is going on between us before we start involving other people."
Dawson is stunned. I don't think it occurred to him that we would ever even consider sorting anything out without him. "Pacey and I have something very serious happening here, and although it's new and unexpected, I think we need to figure out what it is. And you need to let that happen." Now Pacey is just as stunned. I don't think he expected me to stick up for the two of us. Frankly, I didn't expect it. I squeeze his hand comfortingly, a gesture that is not lost on Dawson. He turns to Pacey.
"When I sent you after Joey to be her friend, I didn't mean you should try to put the moves on her. What, you were bored so you tried to get some action? This is my soulmate you're trying to steal! Just because we were taking a break, you thought you could move in on her? This is how you repay a lifetime of friendship"
"This has nothing to do with you, Dawson" says Pacey quietly. He's making an effort to be as non-confrontational as possible. "Newsflash: there are things in my life, and in Joey's life, that are not dictated by you. Now the fact that I fell in love with Joey has nothing to do with you, although the fact that I tried to ignore it for years does. If she wants to be with me, it has nothing to do with you. We both value your friendship, but you can't run our lives." Dawson is so appalled that he turns back to me.
"Joey, please. I know we weren't meant to be together in the fall, but that doesn't mean I gave up on you. Please don't give up on me." His simple words evoke a lifetime of trust, of waiting. Looking at his pleading face, I don't know how to say no to him. All my anger evaporates, and I am left feeling helpless. My grasp on Pacey's hand grows weaker. I see hopelessness on Pacey's face as I step away from him, although I do not get any closer to Dawson.
"I don't know what to do" I say, and I am looking at Pacey because he is still, somehow, the one I know I can rely on.
"Do what you want to do" he says, and it is not an offhand comment but a plea for me to listen to my heart. I know that he means it, even though it might not mean going towards him.
"Do what you were meant to do" says Dawson, and although I can't help but rebel a bit at the possessive assumption of this statement, I don't know whether I can deny it. I look back and forth between the two of them. A large part of me wants to fling myself into Pacey's arms and tell him never to let me go, but I can feel the tides of history pulling me towards Dawson. Panic rises up in my chest, choking me. There's no way I can even begin to make a choice of this magnitude. I can't believe they are putting me in this position.
"No" I say. "You can't put me on the spot like this. Either of you" I say, glaring at them both. I plough over any objections they have.
"I don't know what I feel right now" I say. "You know that." I address this last bit to Pacey, because I know he does. Dawson...well, Dawson is going to have to deal. "Please" I say, addressing my plea to them both, although I feel a pang as I remember Pacey earlier, begging just to hold my hand. "Give me time." Pacey nods, watching me carefully. I know that he is disappointed, but this is probably a more fair answer than he had expected to get tonight. I gaze steadily at Dawson until he, too, nods. "Ok, then" I say. "I will see you two at school tomorrow, not before. And if either of you turns up dead in the creek, I'll know who to blame." With that, I stalk off towards the house.
-
Well, that could have gone better, but it could also have been catastrophically worse. At the very least, I now know that Joey acknowledges that she has some feelings for me, and even better, she told Dawson as much. Of course, she also left me alone out here with him. Damn, and I do still need to talk to Bessie. I wonder if I can do that without either Joey or Dawson getting any madder at me. Guess I'll tackle Goldenboy first.
"Look, Dawson, I know you're mad at me, and you probably have a right to be, and we should probably talk about that, but before we leave I really do need to go check in to make sure everything's ok with the heating." Dawson's eyes immediately narrow with suspicion. This isn't the first time, and it probably won't be the last, but it still hurts every time Dawson believes the worst about me. For years he was my best friend, the person who knew me best in the world, and I'm still stunned that these are the conclusions he came to.
"You honestly expect me to let you go in that house? You think that you can persuade Joey to make out with you some more, is that it"
"God, Dawson, listen to yourself! Joey wants space; she gets space. But as hard as this is for you to understand, I am a friend of the family, and I've been helping out here for a long time. Think what you want about me, but I don't make a commitment and then run out on it." Oh, boy, now I've done it. If this were a cartoon there'd be smoke coming out of his ears. His hands are clenched into tight fists. I hope he doesn't hit me again; I'm not drunk this time, and I will hit back. I'd really prefer not to have to explain to Joey why one or both of us have black eyes in the morning, though.
"Like a commitment to a friend, to look after his girl" I knew he'd bring that up. I sigh in exasperation.
"Look, Dawson, I tried to beg out of that. Why do you think that was? Because I didn't want to spend time with Joey? Open your eyes! For years now I've been looking out for her, every time you're too blind to see there's something wrong, which is amazingly often considering how much you claim to care for her. I have been trying not to feel like this for so long I don't know how to do anything else. I stepped aside, I kept back, so many times for you. And surely you, of all people, can understand falling for Joey. I mean, if you spend any amount of time with her, how do you not? How did you expect anyone to touch that beautiful soul, to look at those amazing eyes, to be lucky enough to be in her presence, and not see her for the goddess that she is" I'm almost yelling now, so I step back and take a breath, trying to calm myself.
"Dawson, man, you're my friend. And that means more to me than you will ever know. You've been with me through some truly dark days when no one else was. But I can't back down on this. And if you think this has been easy for me, you're crazy. If I could stop this, I would. I know that going after the best friend's girl is the most despicable thing possible in the friend manual, but you have to believe me that this is completely outside my control. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you." Dawson is looking at me with a blank expression.
"Part of me doesn't want to believe you" he says in a surprisingly even tone. "Seeing the two of you like that hurt so much...I can't even process it yet. All I want to do is yell and hit something." I must back up slightly, because he gives a wry, humourless chuckle.
"Don't worry" he says. "I'm not going to hit you this time."
"Oh, good" I say, trying to inject some humour into the situation. "Because I'd hate to have to take you down." I get a half-hearted attempt at a smile.
"So where does this leave us" he asks.
"Well, that's really up to the lovely Josephine, isn't it" I ask. "But as for the two of us...I'd like us to still be friends. Somehow."
"What if she chooses me" Dawson asks quietly. "Would you still be my friend" Just the thought of that hurts me more than I thought it would. After all, that is what I've been preparing myself for forever.
"I think I'd need some space for awhile" I answer honestly. "But yes, I like to think that I would still consider you a friend." I look straight at Dawson as I say this, hoping he knows I'm speaking the truth. He nods.
"I hope that's also true of me" he says. Something suddenly occurs to him. "What about Andie? Does she know? I mean, I know you guys broke up awhile ago, but..."
"But it was kind of messy" I finish. "Yeah, I was going to talk to her tomorrow. I don't want to hurt her, but she deserves to know. And if Joey and I had decided that we were going to do anything, we would have told you tomorrow." He shrugs, but I think that's more sour grapes than actual doubt.
"So we pretend nothing's happened until Joey decides something" he asks.
"Well, we can't exactly all avoid each other. I think we need to try to do our best to be there for her. She knows what we want, but that doesn't mean we stop being her friends" I say.
"How do you manage to be so calm about this? Can you still be friends with her just like that"
"What do you think I've been doing up 'til now" I ask, shrugging. "Anyway, are you going to let me..." I jerk my head in the direction of the house.
"I'm coming with you, then we're both going home" Dawson says, the fragile trust I'd built up in the last few minutes dissolving in seconds as he contemplates what could happen if he leaves me alone in Joey's vicinity. I sigh, but agree, and we both head towards the house.