As I did yesterday, I approach the school with some hesitation. Today, however, I am significantly more optimistic. Hearing Joey admit to Dawson that there was something happening between us is better than all the best-case scenarios I could have thought up before that confrontation. Bessie was surprisingly considerate, too; she was nice to me in front of Dawson, which was a relief because he would have been entirely too smug if he thought she was playing favourites, and only took me aside briefly to say that we should talk at some later date.
Between Joey, Dawson, Jen, Bessie, and Andie, I think I may very well spend the rest of my life talking about what's happening here. Of course, while I'm waiting for Joey to make up her mind I suppose I can't think of anything better to do than talking about her, and to her, and hopefully getting some encouragement, so maybe that's not such a bad thing. Except that talking to her leads to wanting to kiss her, which I'm pretty sure is on the depressingly long list of things I'm not supposed to do while I'm 'giving her space'. Still, there is the possibility of someday being able to kiss her again, so I should probably be counting my blessings here.
Speaking of the lovely Josephine, there she is, again at her locker. I should probably not admit to how carefully I have calculated my timing to ensure that I regularly walk down this hallway when she is collecting books. '"Morning, Jo," I say in a manner that I know she will notice is less glib than usual. I can't help smiling tenderly at her as she turns around, a shy, hesitant grin teasing the edges of her lips.
"Hi, Pacey," she answers. I would never have imagined Joey could be this hesitant around me. If she's this unsure it means this is, on some level, actually happening; if she really still saw me as the moron who pulled her pigtails, she would have put me in my place by now. She closes the locker door and glances down the hall, plainly at a loss for words. I clear my throat to get her attention back.
"Here, let me take that for you," I say, reaching for her schoolbag. She refuses to release the strap, and my hand ends up curled around hers. I can't help but notice that she isn't trying very hard to pull away.
"Pacey, you don't need to do that. This isn't the fifth grade, and you're not going to prove your feelings by carrying my books around for me," she says, looking both exasperated and amused.
"I know I don't need to. As much as it may startle you to learn this, really I just like doing nice things for you. It makes me happy. See? This is exactly why I didn't want to say anything. Now you think that everything I do comes with a price tag. Just let me take the damn bag for you. I promise I won't allow your willingness to let me be your pack mule in any way suggest that you might in some form be fond of me." I get a classic Potter eyeroll for that, which I enjoy almost as much as the sweet smile that follows it.
"Well, don't let it go to your head," she says in the flat, sarcastic patented Joey Potter manner that I love so much it scares me.
So I've spent all night trying to be rational and understanding about the whole Joey and Pacey thing. A large part of me really wants to give Joey, at least, the benefit of the doubt. After all, she is my soul-mate. Not to mention that there's some precedent for Joey being a bit confused when it comes to her love-life.
I hated to think that Pacey was backsliding after all the personal growth I gave him credit for just the other day, but let's face it, Pacey doesn't exactly have 'romantic hero' written all over him. I can't believe I let him fool me with his glib comments. The more I thought about it, the clearer his deception became. All year, he was giving me a hard time about Joey, acting as though he wanted me to give her another chance, when clearly he knew he was making me so paranoid that I'd avoid her entirely, allowing him to spend all his time alone with her. All the times he waxed lyrical about Joey, about how beautiful, how intelligent, how special she was, I really thought he was speaking as a disinterested observer; clearly I knew he thought her attractive, but I never thought he actually wanted her in more than a purely abstract manner. I assumed that the friendship between all three of us meant more to him than the fact that Joey, much to our surprise, turned out to be really hot. Clearly I was wrong. I've spent all night getting more and more angry at Pacey, and now I walk into school and I see this?
I shouldn't be surprised that he's at her locker. Obviously, his intention to give her space only extended as far as getting me away from her house. What is worse is that they're holding hands. It looks like he was trying to take her bag, but her hand is in his and she doesn't seem to have any intention of moving it away (nor, of course, does he). What kills me is the way they're looking at each other. He doesn't get to look at her like that...look at her at all. Like he is allowed to smile at her and show her that he thinks she's wonderful. He's not allowed to look at her and know what it's like to kiss her.
As if that wasn't bad enough, Joey seems to have fallen for it. She's got that cute, bashful smile, the one she gets when you compliment her, and she really wants to believe you but can't quite. It's the one I give her. I've never seen any other guy make her smile like that and the sight of the two of them, my soul-mate and my best friend, gazing at each other makes me see red.
I don't notice Jen coming up behind me, but I definitely notice her comment: "You have to admit, they are kind of cute." I glower.
"I don't have to admit any such thing. I don't see what's so cute about a guy's best friend moving in on his soul-mate because he happens to think she's hot, and she's alone and vulnerable. I'm sure there's some other girl in Capeside he could be screwing without stringing Joey along." I glance back at Jen to see that she's looking at me with...is that pity?
"Dawson," she says, in that oh-so-reasonable tone she uses to dissect relationships and break unpleasant news. "You don't really think that's what's happening here." I don't? That's news to me.
"Really? Because that really is what it looks at from my point of view. Two days ago Pacey was saying he couldn't wait for Joey to be taken off his hands. Then yesterday I catch them kissing on her dock. It looks exactly to me like he's using the fact that he's more...experienced...to fool her into thinking he actually loves her. Hell, he even had me almost believing it for a minute there."
"Dawson, you can't honestly think Pacey is that callous. He's been best friends with both you and Joey forever! He's an honourable person. He would never do that to anyone, let alone you and Joey."
"What the hell happened? It's like one minute he's this complete spaz, then I go away for the summer, and I get back and all the girls I know are falling all over themselves for him!" Jen gives me one of her ultra-sophisticated "I'm from New York and know more about life than you ever will" looks. I don't think I ever realized how much it irritates me until this moment.
"Dawson, are you mad because for once Pacey is the one with a life instead of you? That maybe he's taking just a little bit of your limelight, and asking you to be the supportive friend for a change?"
"No, I'm mad because he's trying to steal my girl, and I'm mad that he's inevitably going to hurt the person who's most important in my life."
"Dawson, if Joey is willing to go out with Pacey, and can I point out here that she hasn't been your girlfriend for like nine months now, and that he hasn't made a move yet, has it occurred to you that force isn't going to bring her back, and that she might actually have moved on? You throwing a hissy fit isn't going to do anything other than drive them together. I'm not sure you understand how close they've become this past year while you haven't been getting along so well with Joey."
"So you're saying that this is my fault," I object.
"No, I'm saying things happen, and that you need to leave it be," she replies. The false calm I'd forced on myself is quickly vanishing. I don't know how I let Pacey convince me that his intentions were honourable. After a night spent tossing and turning, haunted by the image of my two best friends kissing, and worse as nightmare images floated through my mind, I know I've let him off easy. Seeing Jen this willing to stick up for Pacey is just another symptom of how suave he manages to be with the girls in my life. Somehow he's managed to get them all on his side. He can't get away with this.
The sound of rising voices distracts me from Pacey's smile. If I get this hypnotized every time I'm talking to him, it could get really time-consuming. I see Dawson and Jen arguing. He's gesturing to me, so I can guess what they're arguing about. I hope Jen's sticking up for Pacey.
Pacey immediately notices my distraction, and turns to figure out what caught my attention. He frowns, and I'm sure he's again distressed again by Dawson's apparent lack of faith in him, as he was during the PSAT debacle. It always makes me angry when Dawson does that; I don't think he realizes how little self-esteem Pacey has to begin with. I make fun of him because he knows not to take any of it too seriously, but Dawson's doubts really hurt him, I think. It occurs to me, not for the first time, how self-absorbed Dawson can be. Somehow I don't feel the need to be as indulgent of that as I once did.
"Should we launch a rescue mission?" he says reluctantly.
"Whom are we rescuing, Jen or Dawson?" I say, grinning. He relaxes slightly, I think relieved that I don't feel the need to go running to Dawson.
"So maybe we should just leave them to it...?" he asks leadingly, giving me an enticing smile while tugging lightly on the hand I only now realize he's still holding. There's enough self-doubt in his eyes that I couldn't refuse him if I wanted to, which I really don't.
"Probably for the best," I agree easily. "But give me back my bag." He concedes the point easily, I suppose considering himself lucky that I am walking with him away from Dawson. Looking back, I realize that little compromises like that have been a staple of our relationship for a long time now. I feel kind of bad that he felt the need to go to such lengths for what I see as fairly small scraps of my attention.
All too soon we reach my classroom. "So I'll see you at lunch, then?" I ask, trying to be casual. I think I pretty much pull it off. To my disappointment, Pacey shrugs, uncomfortably.
"I'm not sure," he says. "I thought I'd better try to talk to Andie. You know, just so she doesn't get blindsided like Dawson did." He looks worried, as though afraid I'll misinterpret his desire to talk to his ex-girlfriend. I think of the evening I spent sitting on my porch with Andie as she cried after her failed attempt to get him back. I wonder whether it's not partly my fault he wouldn't go out with her again.
"That's a good idea," I say, reassuringly. "She deserves to know what's going on, why there's so much tension between you, Dawson, and I. That's a really considerate thing to do, Pace." Pacey's face relaxes into a relieved grin.
"Ok, then, I guess I'd better get to my own class," he says.
"Guess so," I say, amused that he's making no move to actually leave. We stand there for a beat, then I raise an eyebrow.
"So," he says.
"So," I parrot back. He looks like he's trying to decide something. Last time he looked like that he was about to tell me he loved me, so I'm kind of wondering what to expect. Suddenly he moves forward and gives me a soft, sweet, kiss on the cheek. I close my eyes, and before I know it he's stepped back, grinning cheekily.
"I couldn't help myself," he explains, shrugging, as he starts to walk backwards. "See you later, Jo!" Then he turns and gets swallowed up in the sea of students. I stand for a minute, my hand raised to touch the cheek still burning from his kiss, before blushing and heading into class.