I should probably have started to worry as soon as Pacey took me aside. Ever since my disastrous attempt to get him back he'd been trying his best to be a good friend, but there was still sometimes a certain awkwardness, and he never tried to be alone with me. I'd finally come to accept that he was, in fact, over me; the pitying kindness with which he treated me most of the rest of that year was actually a little embarrassing. How could I not have seen how far he'd drifted from me? What was I thinking trying to get him back with a lie like that? Nevertheless, there's some quality about him that just won't quite let me get over it all. So when he asked me to go sit with him outside during lunchtime I agreed, and I can't deny that there was a little spark of hope that he missed me, that he wanted to spend time with me.
I could tell as soon as we sat down that he was troubled by something. Again, that little bit of hope I couldn't get rid of flared up. Maybe he wanted me to be his confidante again. I was glad he felt he could come to me with his problems.
"Look, Andie," he began awkwardly. "This is going to be a bit difficult, but I think that we need to be honest with each other, so there's something you need to know." I stared at him, honestly a bit confused. That's when I saw the pitying look in his eyes, the tender concern that I would have been glad of, had it been accompanied by any passion at all. It wasn't.
"Recently, I've started developing feelings for someone...for Joey," he said, voicing my greatest fear. On one level I knew it was coming; I had seen how attentive he'd been all year, and if there's one thing I can recognize it's a Pacey in love. I'd tried to justify the consideration as just another aspect of their long friendship, but ever since I'd returned home there was an undercurrent to their relationship that worried me. The words were still devastating, though.
"Are you...are you and Joey together, then?" I asked, not sure whether I wanted to know the answer. Still, I'd like some warning if I'm going to walk in on them making out in the hallway. I shy away from that mental image, amazed at how easily my mind conjures it. Pacey gave a short chuckle, and I glanced at him for a moment to see a wry smile twist his mouth.
"No, that would be entirely too easy," he said with a faint hint of bitterness. "She's taking time to think...to decide between me and Dawson. He wants her back." He was gazing out in the distance, a palpable sadness and resignation settling on his shoulders. "I mean, it's not like she'd ever choose me, but there's all this weird tension now between the three of us, and Dawson's furious at me, and, well, I just thought you should hear it straight from the horse's mouth."
He looked so miserable that part of me wanted to comfort him, but the rest is still reeling from what he's said. Not only does he not want me, but now he's gotten himself embroiled in a messy love triangle with very little chance of giving him anything but grief. He'd rather pine over Joey, lose his best friend over her, than even consider coming back to me? I drew a sharp breath, trying to keep in my tears. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but I couldn't help lashing out, jumping up to yell down at him.
"God, Pacey, you're so stupid! Why would you even try to get between them? Dawson isn't ever going to forgive you! And she won't ever love you the way you love her. The way I love you..." I trailed off in horror at the last phrase to leave my mouth. I really hadn't intended to say that. Pacey looked pale and shell-shocked. I'm sure I just vocalized some of his worst fears. Still, the pity returned to his eyes as I confessed my lingering feelings. He stood slowly and stepped towards me, raising his hand before dropping it again to his side.
"Andie," he started, but I cut him off.
"Pacey, don't," I cried, when another thought occurred to me. "Is this the reason you wouldn't take me back? All those months ago?"
"Andie," he pled, clearly not wanting to go there.
"No, really. Tell me, Pacey. You owe me honesty, at least. Were you already in love with her then? Were you?" I was glad he'd taken us some distance from the school, because I could hear my voice rising as I stepped closer to him. He stepped back. I grabbed his arm, forcing him to pay attention to me. For some reason I wanted to know, wanted to hear all the painful details at once. "What about when I came back? You were relieved that I'd slept with Mark, weren't you? You wanted to get rid of me so you could be free to follow Joey around without me to distract you." He was shaking his head, by now white as a ghost, trying to break my tirade enough to contradict me, but I saw the shade of shame cross his face, and I knew it was true, maybe not consciously, but somewhere deep inside.
I wound slowly down, exhausted by this brief but intense burst of anger. At last I whispered, "Did you love her before you loved me?" The silence answered for itself. Pacey was looking away from me by then, eyes closed tightly. I think he was trying not to cry. I didn't try at all anymore. Tears were coursing down my cheeks.
Finally, Pacey opened his eyes and turned to me, his face a picture of remorse. "Andie, I did love you. Please don't ever doubt that. I'm so sorry..." he trailed off, then repeated himself. "I'm sorry," he whispered, then turned and walked away from the school. I watched him go, rooted to the spot. I went home and curled up on my bed, where I'm lying now with no more tears to cry.
When I leave Andie, I can't bear to go back to school. I may not be in love with Andie like I used to be, but I never wanted to hurt her. I head towards the harbour, aiming for the dockyards. I'm fit company right now for neither man nor beast, but my girl iTrue Love/i will take me in. Working on her is always soothing.
I know it's not very nice to tell Andie that I'd rather be rejected by Joey than be together with Andie, but it's the truth, and I think it always will be. I boxed up my feelings for Joey for a long time, and now that they're out in the open they're not going anywhere. Andie deserves more than the leftover bits of a heart given long ago to someone else. I hope someone's there for her now, but it can't be me.
I wonder, as I frequently do, why life has to be so complicated. I mean, we're teenagers. We should not be worried about the loves of our lives at this point. We should be falling in and out of love a mile a minute. I think back to the time when I was somehow the most typical teen of my sad little social circle, lusting after teachers and cheerleaders, and am depressed to realize that even then, part of me was just waiting for Joey.
When Pacey didn't return to school, I admit I started to get worried. I can't decide, though, exactly what I'm worried about. Rationally, I know that his conversation with Andie was probably very emotional, and that he just didn't feel like he could deal with class. Pacey is not exactly a model student when it comes to attendance (or anything else), so this was eminently plausible.
The other option, which I'm ashamed of even entertaining, is that Andie told Pacey she was still in love with him, he realized that he was a fool for thinking he wanted a prudish, argumentative witch like me rather than a nice, sweet, blonde like Andie, and they're off somewhere having passionate reunion sex (like I said, I freely admit it's improbable).
I'm not sure whether it's concern for his well-being or jealousy that prompts me to head towards the dockyards, where I'm sure he'll be found if he's brooding, but I do know that that's where I want to be. I'm somewhat impatient, but lacking a car today, so I have no choice; I have to beg Jen for a ride. Thank God Grams is pretty good about letting her have the car to get to school. I stop by her locker on the way out of the building.
"So, Jen," I say, smiling in a friendly manner she knows off the bat is false. "I know that I've been less than straightforward with you lately--" she cuts me off.
"And you made me sit through an excruciatingly awkward lunch with you and Dawson today," she adds, smiling sweetly.
"And I made you sit through an excruciatingly awkward lunch with Dawson and me today," I add, grudgingly. "I was kind of hoping I could bum a ride from you, though." I see Dawson at the far end of the hallway and duck behind her locker door. "Quickly." I know I need to be giving Dawson a chance, but right now he's not my first priority. I mollify my guilt by promising myself I'll stop by his place later. Jen's laughing at me now, but she's nodding.
"Right this way," she says, ushering me quickly out in front of her, shielding me from Dawson's gaze. I can tell by the way she's grinning that she's entirely too amused by the situation, but manages to keep her peace until we're in the car. She even manages to stay quiet until we've pulled out of the parking lot, but we've only been driving about a minute when she glances sidelong at me and says, "So, it seems the love triangle is out in the open."
I blush. "Has it been that obvious?" I ask.
"Until recently? No, only a little bit. Aside from a few slipups, you and Pacey have been playing your cards pretty close to the chest; I don't think Dawson suspected anything was developing between you. I assume something's happened to change that." I blink.
"You make it sound like Pacey and I have been carrying on behind people's backs or something! You know that's not true."
"No, no, that's not what I mean. But to the casual observer, it's been pretty obvious for quite some time that this would come to a head someday. Pacey's been getting less and less able to hide how he feels about you for awhile now." This astonishes me. "Speaking of which, I assume I'm taking you to his boat rather than your house?" I blush, but don't deny it.
"He was going to talk to Andie at lunch today about...about everything. He didn't come back to school, and I was...worried about him." Jen clearly senses my hesitation.
"You're worried they're having wild, passionate reunion sex," she says, knowingly. I blush even more darkly, and try to stammer out a denial. She laughs at me for a moment before giving a more reassuring smile and saying more softly "You don't have anything to worry about, Joey. Pacey's so wrapped up in you he hardly notices other girls are there, even Andie. But I'm sure you'll feel better when you see for yourself," she says, turning into a parking lot not far from the iTrue Love/i, but enough distance away that I can approach by myself.
"Thanks, Jen," I say, meaning more than just the ride.
"You know, no one's really explained to me what brought all this on..." she says, leadingly.
"I'll come by later and fill you in," I say, discarding my plan to visit Dawson. Girl time really isn't my thing, but I'm finding it kind of comforting to confide in Jen.
"Deal," she says, warmly. "I'll try to get Grams to have warm chocolate chip cookies ready." I smile back, surprised at how easily we fall into friendship when we're not competing for boys. Looking out the window, I realize I can see Pacey sitting forlornly on the True Love, for now just staring out towards the water. I feel terrible for having doubted him while he sat there, miserable and alone.
"I should go make sure he's ok," I say, subdued now. "See you later."
I'm staring out at the water, indulging in a good brood, so when my favourite voice in the world floats over to my ears, for a moment I'm half convinced that it's my imagination, as she's mostly what I've been thinking about anyway. Then I hear the words again, this time tempered with amusement. "I said, permission to come aboard?"
I turn and rush to help Joey over the side. I know this sounds sappy, but honestly, seeing her smile at me is like feeling sunshine on your face after a storm. I bask in it for a moment, my heart tumbling just a little as she runs a hand down my arm. "You okay, Pace?" she asks, her eyes wide with concern for me. I want nothing more than to fling myself into her arms and have her comfort me, soothing away all the tumult and confusion, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Instead, I grab her hand and pull her along the deck until I reach a place we can sit comfortably.
"I'm better now that you're here," I hear myself say, the words tumbling unbidden from my lips. I wince, not only because I shouldn't be saying that, but also because I can usually do better than a line that cheesy. I feel her hand slip from mine. "I'm sorry," I whisper. There's silence for a moment, and I look away from her before I hear myself confess, "I can't do anything right."
"Oh, Pacey," she says, sounding so sad and compassionate and caring that I again wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve having someone like her in my life, in any capacity at all. "You know that's not true." She puts her arms around me in a fierce hug. She leaves one arm across my back when she leans back, and I put my head down on her shoulder, desperately needing comfort.
"I broke her heart," I say, quietly. "The look on her face...she asked me whether I'd wanted to break up with her, whether it was because of you that I wouldn't take her back."
"Was it?" Joey asks. I can't see her face, but her voice is neutral. I shrug. I'm already making my neediness for her embarrassingly obvious. I don't really want to dwell on the length and extent of my somewhat pathetic pining for her.
"How was lunch with Dawson?" I ask, wanting to change the subject.
"Awkward," Joey replies, and I can tell she's smiling a little. As much as possessive Dawson pisses her off, he kind of amuses her, too. The warm affection underneath her wry tone makes me uncomfortable. "He's not really Dawson in situations like this, where he feels he needs to be competitive. He'll calm down eventually and go back to being same old Dawson we know and love."
I have a number of problems with this statement. For one thing, I think competitive Dawson is very close to the heart of who he really is, rather than being something that appears at random moments. I, for one, think he's acting exactly like himself, dramatic and judgmental. Also, I think he'll only really calm down once he gets the girl, and any appearances to the contrary are displays put on to fool Joey into thinking he's a rational, caring individual she wants to be with. I love the guy; he was practically my brother for so long there'll always be a tie between us. Any illusions I had about him, though, were stripped away some time ago.
Needless to say, I don't say anything about any of this to Joey. She's not in a position to listen charitably to me trashing my competitor right now.
Understandably enough, my thoughts gradually turn from my supposedly best friend to the rather more pleasing prospect of the girl I'm leaning against. Being this close to her is starting to give me ideas, so I reluctantly sit up, squeezing her hand in thanks as I do so. Joey knows what I'm doing and shifts away from me a bit with a wry smile. "You feeling better now?" she asks.
"Yeah," I tell her, mostly truthfully. There's still an ache of guilt and regret deep in my chest, but her quiet presence is enormously soothing.
"Good," she replies. She reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder before leaning in to give me a soft, reassuring kiss on the cheek that absolutely stops my heart for a moment. She rests her forehead on my temple, whispering, "You're one of the good ones, Pace. You haven't done anything wrong." Then she's leaning back, giving my arm a companionable squeeze as she stands up. I stare at her, wordlessly. One kiss on the cheek and Josephine Potter can entirely shut down all my higher brain processes. "I should go," she says. "I'll see you tomorrow." With that she's gone, and I'm left with an ache in my heart, but a smile on my face.