Harry Potter and the popping Mystery of Lolly and her Pops!

A/N: Hello Betrayed Vision here (you can call me Cel.) To give you the debut of HP & the popping mystery of Lolly Pop! It was at least 12:00 for me (2:00 for Nat, Natty123… different time zones) when we made up this story. WE were bored out of our minds and suffering a mild case of writers block. We decided to put into a story all the things we despised in HP fanfiction. So out came HP & T.p.m.o.L.a.h.P! (I'm too lazy to type the whole thing.) I hope you enjoy it's quirkiness as we enjoy writing it. (It's not really quirky... more like stupidity.)

This Chapter is written by: Cel

WARNING: Mary Sueage! & language + sexual themes

DISCLAMER: I don't own anything, besides my demented mind.

I label this story: R

Chapter One: No-No's

Lolly Demeter Persephone Adrian Ezzy I'm Trying To Make Up Names Pop entered Hogwarts with a shining perfect smile. Her long golden blonde hair moved behind her as her shapely hips swayed. She licked her luscious lips and sat down at the know-it-all Ravenclaw table. "Hello all, I'm here to seduce your Potion's master," she calmly said with a sweet smile, "If you wanted to know, I wear a double d."

The boys of Hogwarts were entranced by Miss Lolly Pop. The face was she was the best unknown porn star to hit Hogwarts. Then Dumbledore stood up and announced an important message: "Welcome to Hogwarts, blah…blah…blah…my secret lover is Lucius Malfoy…blah...blah…Forbidden Forest is Forbidden…blah…blah…blah…blah…HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOIND TO SAY BLAH?"

"MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE ROCKS!" a student screamed wearing all My Chemical Romance threads. "TAKE THE MUDBLOOD DOWN!" Voldemort commanded. Out popped death eaters and fried the MCR lover. "Mmm... mudblood tastes like chicken," Lolly Pop stated eating the MCR lover. "Are you really here to seduce our Potions master?" a second year asked.

Lolly Pop smiled and looked at the boy with beautiful, entrancing, breathtaking aqua colored eyes. She beamed, "Of coarse why would I be here? Harry's gay with Ron and my authors love Draco to death. So there isn't one else to deduce."

The boy smiled, "You're a great student, and I believe you should be a Head Girl! Aren't you a foreign exchange student from America too?"

"Of coarse, how else will I fill under the Mary Sue persona? I have perfect grades, a tragic past that makes me come to Hogwarts , I have amazing and gifted powers, I have huge breasts, and as usual I have come to screw around with one of your main characters," Mary Sue… I mean Lolly Pop beamed keeping her upbeat personality.

"LOLLY POP FOR HEAD GIRL!" the school chanted. "Hey! What about me? I'm supposed to be with Draco as Head Girl. We're supposed to have wild sex and eventually fall in love!" Hermione Granger cried out. "STAB THE KNOW-IT-ALL WITH PITCH FORKS!" The school chanted and ran Hermione Granger into the lake stabbing her with pitchforks.

"LOLLY FOR HEAD! Lolly Pop, Lolly Pop, how many licks will you give our potions master?" the school chanted singing. Lolly Pop beamed, "You people are SO nice. Hopefully I won't have to give your potions master any licks. Hopefully we'll go into the doggy style!"

As Hogwarts feasted, Lolly went up to Professor Snape unbuttoning her shirt as she went, "Professor," she said sitting on the table, "I'm having these horrible dreams, and I was wondering if you could make me a dreamless potion. And I could wing on by."

"Sure Miss Pop," he said not noticing that she had 'Porn Star' tattooed on her chest. Suddenly out popped one of the others of this ludicrous story, (Tattoo is the magic word.)

…Author Appearing…

Cel: Let me see your tattoos!

ItalianSexgod: No, I'm not going to let you see my tattoos.

Cel: Why not?

ItalianSexgod: Because they're on my ass!

Cel: So?

…Author Disappears… (I'll explain later)

"Did you notice that?" Lolly Pop asked the man she was going to seduce. "No not at all," the man said that was going to be seduced by Lolly. "I think you need to make that potion for me, NOW!" Lolly commanded with a fake smile eye twitching.

"Follow me Miss Pop," Severus-the-sexy-Snape said going down into his dungeons. Snape into his office, suddenly in lingerie Lolly-

…Author Appearing…

Cel: YOU MARY SUE BIMBO! You are not supposed to seduce Severus NOW! Wait till next chapter evil grin so Nat can write the scene.

"But he's alone, we were alone! Go away, I'm going to seduce him now and move on to Professor Dumbledore next chapter," Lolly pouted to the author.

Cel: Sounds like a plan, continue.

…Author Disappears…

"Professor, I need a lesson," Lolly said in her unknown best porn star that ever hit Hogwarts voice. "Make love to me," Severus said throwing Lolly ont his desk and making out like dogs in heat. "WOOHOO! RIDE ME LIKE A COWBOY SEVERUS!"

CENSORED (Some raunchy stuff I'm too lazy to write.)

Horrible elevator missing playing to take up your time

As Lolly walked out of the Snape's office, she satisfied for the night, she said, "This tape will sell more than 'One Night in Paris!' Who doesn't want to see a Mary Sue rack it up with a Professor?"

A/N: Random writing my favorite thing to do at precisely 3 in the morning. LOL! Alright my explanation for ItalianSexgod: My friend (code named ItalianSexgod) has tattoos…and he won't let me see them. That's all.

If you noticed, I've targeting all fanfics. I've bashed Mary Sues, and I'm still not done yet! The next chapter will be written by Nat (natty123 if you want to read her other stuff.) Now I'm going back to Dragon's Den & Mid Heaven Flights (till Nat's finished the 2nd chapter) till the 3rd chapter I will see your readers! –B.V