FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity

A joint fan fiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing

Forward:

There once were two high school girls, Erin and Alina. Now, these two would have been perfectly sane and normal...except they both had this REALLY, really, really, really big fascination with one particular anime show: FullMetal Alchemist. These two were OBSESSED. They watched the show every waking moment, and when they weren't watching it, they were talking about it. They wrote stories, and read the books. They collected plushies, pillows, pictures, yaoi doujinshi...They dreamed about it, and they shoved pictures in other people's faces, who, in turn, screamed and ran.

Then, one day, they were given a notebook. On a whim, Erin scribbled in it that it was to be just an ordinary role-play. But that was no good. The two became so involved with the book that it grew to over a hundred pages of writing, and they were forced to get a new one. Meanwhile, the stupidity never stopped: Envy was sadistic, Riza shot people, the OC's were attacked by random homunculus, and, in return, killed said homunculus, and the entire FMA crew got very, very drunk. So drunk, in fact, that Riza ended up in a miniskirt. And that's only the beginning!

Then, one day, Alina decided that it should be made into a role-play.

And so it was.

You're reading it.

Wow, this introduction was totally...lame...Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Cast:

Erin plays Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Jean Havoc, Gluttony, Greed, Dante, Hohenheim Elric, Martel and Barry the Chopper, as well as three of her own made-ups, Brigadier Erin Lightning, Lieutenant Naoki Keppler, and Kareena "Kari" Watashi.

Alina plays Alphonse Elric, Riza Hawkeye, Envy, Scar, Alex Louis Armstrong, Lust, Wrath, and Bradley, as well as three of her own made-ups, Alina Blackwing, Ryzen Caliko, and Kirikiva Souta.

Warning:

Since this was originally a role-play, it skips around a lot. Just figured we'd let you know in advance.

"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."

Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"
PART I

Roy Mustang immediately had come to regret bringing EVERYONE with to dinner. It was already proving to be well more then a hassle.

The restaurant itself was not the problem, not by far. In fact, Taisa was rather fond of the rustic, olden-looking walls, with their Italian-style, and their long, overhanging vines. He liked the polished oaken tables, and the setting of candles on each table, other then bright fluorescent lights. And it was dusk now, so the lighting and the mood was set just right. No, it was not the restaurant's fault that he was not enjoying himself.

It was the other people's fault, that was what was wrong.

"Oooooh Edo-kun! Havoc! Don't you want to see my totally adorable new pictures of Elysia?" Maes sang from across the room. Customers, disturbed from their meals, either resorted to snickering and pointing at the State Alchemists, or merely turned their heads in Roy's direction.

Havoc didn't want to see the damned pictures again. This he had decided quite early on in the night. In fact, the only thought on his mind, as he chugged a big swig of vodka, was, 'Please, if there is a God, let me get drunk. The sooner, the better.'

Edward was the only one actually seated, like a civilized being. He, as always, looked dwarfed in his big red coat, and over-sized in his large boots, even when he was sitting. Roy was surprised the boy hadn't been handed a kiddy menu when they had walked in. Now, the boy grinned in Roy's direction, and stated, "They have steak."

"Edo, you're too short for steak," Roy pointed out.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN-"

"What's this?" asked a young girl who had walked up behind Ed. She was savvily dressed in a black and white maid's uniform, with a long, flowing skirt (Think Chobits, people), and had long silver hair. Her eyes were wide and questioning and a large pair of bottle-cap glasses framed these eyes. She was young, about 17 maybe, and was 5'9. Her finger was currently pointed at the steak Ed had been considering only minutes before. This was Kareena.

Ed and Roy paused their bickering long enough for Ed to reply, blinking stupidly, "Steak..."

"Oh." The girl stared at the picture of the steak on the menu as if it were foreign to her. Finally, after much thought, she asked, "What is this "steak" you speak of?"

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As this was taking place, the door to the restaurant opened, and in walked three people, or rather, two women and suit of armor. The armor got a few weird looks, but more eyes were focused on the girl standing right next to Riza Hawkeye, the military dog who had accompanied her in. The girl's black and blood red bangs hung about her face, framing it, making her different colored eyes stand out. The rest of her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, creating a water-like effect to the colors of her hair.

Her black trench coat flared as she walked, and under this coat she wore a tight red tank top. Her belt, buckled quite loose, did little to hold up her black pants, which sat askew across her hips, showing a bit of midriff. A chain hung from one of the belt loops and disappeared into her pocket. Her footfalls were silent, even though she wore dark, heavy-looking boots. Her hands were covered by the thin white cloth of gloves. On the back of both gloves was a transmutation circle, both identical, that signified death or darkness.

She raised a gloved hand and pushed her bangs back behind her ears, before saying something to Riza. Hawkeye laughed and shook her head. The girl, flicking her eyes about in search or Roy, Havoc, and Ed, was Alina Blackwing. She was also, more commonly known, however, as the Dark Alchemist.

Riza turned to Alina and pointed at Ed and Roy, who had been arguing. 'No surprise there,' Alina thought. Just then, Al's child-like voice came from the suit of armor next to her.

"Nii-san!" he cried happily as the three of them stopped at the table.

Riza saluted Taisa. Her golden hair was pulled back as always, and she wore the usual State uniform, and gun. Beside her, Alina nodded to Roy and smiled at Ed. "Hey shrimp," she said, ignoring the particular fact that she herself, at about 5'1-5'2, was shorter then Ed by a couple of inches when she wasn't wearing boots, which brought her height even with his.

"Nii-san, we walked all the way over here! We saw a litter of kittens that had been abandoned, but don't worry, I left them with an old lady. Who's that?" Al asked, looking at Kareena.

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Edward waved away Al's question, and, with a heaving sigh, turned to face his younger brother. "Just some crazy chick. Hey, Al, do you mind telling these two," he gestured at Alina and Roy, "that I'm NOT short?"

Roy smirked cat-like at Edward, then turned to Alphonse with joking obsidian eyes. "Ah, yes, Alphonse, just as cute as the older Elric, as always. I'm glad you could make it on such short notice." He turned to Riza, smiled. "As with you, Hawkeye." He turned to greet Alina, however, with a frown, his voice turning sarcastic. "But who invited you, Dark Alchemist?"

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Meanwhile, Hughes, in the background, had found a GREAT new victim for his picture torture. He was becoming overly pleased to shove picture after picture into Kareena's hand. The girl didn't mind. In fact, she couldn't have minded because she had this little...complex...where she couldn't seem to remember anything for longer then two seconds.

"Who's this?" Kareena pointed to a picture of Elysia.

"My daughter! Isn't she just so adorable?" Maes snatched back the picture and dragged out a new one, passing it to her gleefully.

"Who's' that?" she pointed at the new picture.

Maes, not the least bit aggravated, replied, "My daughter! Isn't Elysia cute in her little swimsuit?"

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Havoc was attempting to chug beer after beer now, having had enough of the hard liquor, when he was approached by two youngsters...

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Alina looked at Ed and grinned, before turning to Roy, a malicious glint in her eyes. "No one."

Riza shook her head. "I invited her, Taisa. She was bored and bound to start trouble. She had already started, ahem, 'rearranging' your office." She smirked. Alina wasn't nearly as bad as Roy thought she was. She just had...a really short attention span.

"Awww...Riza, you weren't supposed to tell him," whined Alina.

"Nii-san, did you know that Alina's shorter then you?"

"Al!" Alina groaned, "That isn't supposed to be known!"

"Oops, sorry Alina."

"It's alright. Sooo..." she turned to Roy. "Taisa's a flamer then?" she asked, having heard Roy's comment about Al. Alphonse sweat dropped.

Riza looked up as a loud and rowdy kid 'popped' in (magically). He grinned and swept a hand through his unruly greenish-black hair. Snickering, he saw Ed and sauntered over to him. "Hey there, Edo-kun. Miss me?" He draped an arm over Ed's shoulder and played with one of the buttons on the boy's jacket.

"Gee, thanks, Envy-san. Hi to you too."

Envy looked up towards a sulking Alina. "Oh, hey, Dark. What's up?" he asked, still fiddling with Ed's jacket, now with both hands.

Alina shrugged and looked around. She saw Havoc, getting as drunk as he could, a really tall girl who seemed quite ditzy, and the other people still staring at her. She raised an eyebrow, and the other customers all went back to their food. Then, she looked back at Ed, who, by now, Envy was trying to convince to do something or other. Probably trying to get Ed to allow him to, ah, 'torture' FullMetal.

"Envy, leave him alone. He's mine," Alina stated, grinning.

Envy looked up at her. "Since when?"

"Since now."

"Aww, fine," he stepped away from Ed. "Can I have Roy?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"No," Hawkeye stated, entirely serious.

Envy whined. "He isn't fun to torture anyway."

"Then why'd you ask?" Riza glared at Envy as he drifted over to Alina, resting an arm across her shoulder, leaning on her. Alina didn't seem to care.

"Because I wanted to see what you'd say." He snickered.

Riza blushed, but the color disappeared almost immediately. "Idiot."

To be Continued...