FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity

A joint fan fiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing

"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."

Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"
PART II

Ed paid them all no attention, but snickered madly at the fact that Alphonse had pointed out Alina's height. Roy, unconciously, slapped Ed lightly on the head, and gave a quick, "Stop that."

"Stop what?" Ed asked, rubbing his head and looking defiantly at Roy, who still refused to look back at him.

"You know what." Roy's gaze turned to Alina. "I wish you wouldn't barter me without my consent." He grinned, and jested, "After all, Dark Alchemist, who needs a shorty like you as a girlfriend?" His attitude was cocky as he said this, but it changed to a lighter, more playful tone as he looked over to Hawkeye, formally, and said, "Lieutenant Hawkeye on the other hand..." He gave one of those tiger-growls that signified he had at least a slight interest in his co-worker.

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Havoc was jolted from his beer delusion by a boistrous slap on the back, and a peal of thunderous laughter from a girl who had just approached. Her bright red hair was spiked up, and had even brighter golden streaks in it. A homunculus bandanna, which lookedvery much like Envy's,was tied around her head.

The girl slung herself onto a stool at the bar, inches away from Jean, her tan trenchcoat hanging over the stool almost regally. When she noticed he was glaring at her, she flashed a wide, toothy grin. "Yo, Havoc! What's up?" This was followed by her hand reaching out and snagging his beer bottle, her eyes focusing on it in concentration.

"Brigadier Lightning, what are you doing?"

"Sitting, what's it look like?" She snickered at her own unfunny joke, then added, "and soon to be drinking." When she got a skeptical gaze in return, she twirled the bottle in her hand expertly, not spilling a drop. "Well, I just turned 21 about a month ago. That's cause enough for celebration, isn't it?" She grinned again, then downed the rest of his bottle like it was a shot.

"Hey-I was...drinking that..."

She reached into her pocket and grabbed up a dollar, flinging it down on the bar in front of him. "Well, buy 'nother then." Playfully, she flashed a cat-like look at him and said, almost as an afterthought, "Bet I can outdrink you, Second Lieutenant Havoc."

"You're on."

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Riza blushed madly, her hand twitching unconciously towards her gun. She supressed the urge to start shooting at Taisa, instead saying, "What the hell do you want, Mustang?"

Envy snickered at Roy's comment about Alina. "You're a foolish one, Flamey," he said, stepping away from Alina, who was currently pulling off one of her gloves. Only three people in this room knew what happened when she touched a living thing with her bare hand, besides herself of course. Envy knew, therefore, he had taken up bothering Ed again.

"You two are going out? Why didn't anybody tell me?" Envy whined in their general direction.

Riza stepped away from the Dark Alchemist as well. She was the second person who knew. She smirked as Alina advanced on Roy, her bare hand at her side. This was so much better then just shooting at the Colonel.

"What did you just call me Taisa? Did I just hear you say I'm short?"

Roy, of course, was the third and final person who knew about her 'gift'.

Alina's red and blue eyes narrowed dangerously. She reached out towards Roy with her ungloved hand. Her fingers brushed his uniform for a brief moment.

Envy flicked his eyes toward Alina dn Roy, muttering softly, "Damn, he's lucky she has to directly touch someone for it to work." He shrugged and went back to questioning Ed about this or that.

Al sighed. Why didn't everyone just get along? Well at least Major Hughes and the 'crazy chick', as Ed called her, were getting along. Though something seemed a bit odd about the tall girl.

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Roy didn't flinch as she touched his uniform, he just gave her a truely cocky look and stared defiantly at Alina. "Come now, Alina, why so uptight today?" He smirked. "Since when have you let your chibi state aggravate you?"

Ouch. Roy Mustang had just brought out the big guns in an attempt to hit a vital weak point in her defenses. He was one who knew that she, just like Edward, easily gave in to taunts, an attirbute that the Colonel found simply detestable.

"A good soldier would hold even the slightest anger in check. Besides, you don't want to be locked away like 'Mad Bomber' just for killing me, do you?"

The cards had been dealt, and Roy's bet was in. Now, the game was just beginning.

Ed started to back away slowly, not knowing what exactly was happening, but feeling it wasn't going to be good. He shot Envy a glance at overhearing his words, and asked curiously, "For what to happen?" Looking to Riza, he repeated the question, watching her expression carefully, waiting for an answer.

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Meanwhile, as this was happening, a young man in military garb had entered the room and was now pushing through a crowd of pedestrians, brushing a hand back through short, lightly spiked and tousled crimson hair. His huge blue eyes searched the room, and he called, "Sis?"

"Sis-whoa!" he tripped suddenly, as he backed into a rather burly man and found himself staring up into a large, meaty face. The young recruit was starting to back away from the man's scornful look, muttering apologies. but the man simply turned away from him with a muttered, "Watch yourself, boy!"

The young man sweatdropped, and finally, several minutes later, maade his way to the bar. He looked around, spotted his target, and was immediately at Lightning's side, nudging her shoulder. He gave a sigh when she didn't answer, and nudged again.

"Oi! Keppler! 'Ere, join us!" she whirled around, greeted him with the usual slap on the back that almost knocked the wind out of him, and passed him a bottle.

"Sis," he sighed, "you're not supposed to drink, remember? Ai...Hohenheim's going to kick my ass..." he lowered his head, defeatedly, setting the bottle back on the bar.

His sister, who quickly lost interest in him, turned back to havoc, and seemed engaged in a heated conversation now. Something to do with puppies, guns, and blowing things up. Naoki Keppler took a seat nearby, but didn't care to listen to theirincessant talking. All he could think of was his impending doom.

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Envy looked at Ed, somewhat suprised. "You mean your girlfriend didn't tell you?" He scowled. Sighing,he stated, "If she directly touches a livingorganism, skin-to-skin, with her hand, the said organism immediately starts to rot and die."

Alina's eyebrow started twitching as Roy breached her sense of self-pride. "Bastard..." she snarled. "I don't know who thehell you think you are, Roy Mustang, but I am not a ultra hyper chibi-sized midget! For all I care, youcan go soak yourself in gasoline, and snap your twisted, demonic fingers, asshole."

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Ed whimpered. He wasn't Mustang's ultimate fan (Hell, he rather had a true loathing for the Taisa), but he didn't particulalry want for Roy to "rot and die". "Mustang, just let it go...C'mon, Taisa, think of how this fight looks to your superiors and back away. Alina, don't hurt him.." Ed pleaded, much as Al might.

But Roy wasn't someone to just "let it go". No, instead, he was pulling on a glove inside the pocket of his jackt as he sought Alina's eyes with his own. "I'm sorry," he said, sincerely. "I meant that you were shorter then a...what was it you said? An "ultra-chibi midget"?" He smiled, truely enjoying this. "And you, little dark-hyper-dwarf can go into exterminating little bugs with that GREAT," he said, sarcastically, "power of yours." He knew what Riza would say in diatribe against him later: that he was careless, yada yada. Still, this game was fun, and he wanted to raise the stakes.

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"Sis, come on.." Keppler begged, tugging on her sleeve. "C'mon, no more drinking..."

"I'll done say when I've 'ad enough!" she slurred, stupidly, in response, shoving her elbow into Havoc's side simultaneously, and ordering, "Pass me another beer, 'avoc."

Jean hiccupped, and shoved one her way. What was this girl? A god? Or a cow? That was it, she had to be a cow to hold that much liquor. Maybe next time he would be smarter then to challenge her. But, as it was, he didn't want to lose to a girl, even if he was way too far past his limit.

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Alina growled again and grabbed Roy's collar, lifting him off the ground. She held her hand a breath's width away from his face. "Roy...Mustang..." she curled her hand into a fist, thought better of it, and flung Roy aside into a chair right in front of the wall.

"Hey! Look who all is here!" Alex Louis Armstrong, shirtless as usual, popped up behind Alina, who acted soully on reflexes and flipped backwards into the air. She twisted in midair, and landed perfectly on the man's shoulders.

Envy stared, his mouth agape. "Hey..." he whined, "that's my move!"

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Roy blinked as he suddenly found himself in a chair. He whimpered, softly, "That hurt."

Ed cast him a quick glance. "Serves you right."

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The last thing Jean Havoc heard before he tipped over, drunk off of his semi-manly ass, was Armstrong. Later, he would come to think of his unconciousness as a blessing. As he fell out of the stool, his head had a...painful...meeting with the floor, that was sure to leave his lights out for a few hours. Ten minutes at least.

Erin whimpered, "You done?" in Havoc direction, but didn't even hesistate to continue drinking without him.

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Alina made a pose that Envy would have made. "It's been nice knowing ya, Armstrong. Sorry you can't stick around." She grinned and looked down at Armstrong, who stared up at her

"What do you mean, Miss Blackwing?"

She shrugged, and touched the top of his head with her pointer finger. She smiled, flipped off of his shoulders,and landed a perfect ten on the floor beside Ed. She slipped her glove back on her hand as he bangs fell in front of her eyes, not even having to look back at him as Armstrong began to 'rot and wither'.

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Roy, blinking groggily from his chair, could only think, "Holy SHIT I am SO glad that wasn't me."

To be Continued...

Erin answers Reviews!

IArguedWithGodOverEd: Alina, you weren't supposed to put up the first review you bum! -smacks Alina with a random pencil that she found on the floor-.

Kaiya-Chan: Thanks for your support! -grin- I love Maes! -blink- Wow, that was random. Okay, scratch that. Anyway, thanks for the input. We'll be more then happy to write soon, wouldn't we, Alina? -pokepokenudge-

Koru: Sorry it didn't please you. It's a role-play after all, so its written a bit differently then most fanfictions, that, and it's just the first part of the first chapter. if you want to flame, go right on ahead, bu wait until we've actually gotten the story started, k? That, and, well, some stories are hits, some are misses, it all depend on what you like. -shrug- Thanks for reviewing anyways!