FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity

A joint fanfiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing

"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."

Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"
PART III

Brigadier Lightning had no clue what was going on outside the bar area of the restaurant, as she scaled the mini-bar, grabbed up an empty beer bottle, and, as if it were a microphone, began to sing into it, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."
Keppler grabbed her pants leg. "Get down, sis, before someone tells Sir Hohenheim on you!"
She paid Keppler no mind, but kicked Havoc lightly in the side. "Oi, 'avoc! Join me mate!" In response, he fell backwards off the stool, and, lacking entirely in grace, crashed to the floor, continuing his current hobby, which just happened to be sleeping.

Outside the bar area, Ed was much more verbal on the part of Alina's strange "gift". He whined, taking several steps back, cowering behind Al, Envy, and Riza. He spoke but two words, intensified with a light shiver, his eyes becoming wide and chibi-like, "Alina Scary!"

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Envy snickered and imitated Ed.
Alina smirked and lifted her hand, pushing her bangs back behind her ears. She drew a transmutation circle around the grayish-white bones and transmutated them into a finely carved dagger, which she picked up and threw at Envy. The homunculus stopped bothering the chibi and caught the blade of bone by the handle.
Riza sighed and walked over to Roy. "Sir," she said, formally. "It's your first appearance in a while. It would look better if you weren't slumped down in a chair."
Al sweatdropped as Ed hid behind him. "Nii-san, she's not that scary. Look at it this way. He's not our escort anymore." Armstrong had taken to contemplating how cute Al had been when he'd had his body, and it made Al a bit uncomfortable. He was actually glad that Armstrong was gone now.
Meanwhile, several feet from the whole scene, a tanned man of somewhere between twenty and thirty 'popped' in. A scar in the shape of a white 'x' lay across his face, hence the name: Scar. He looked around the restuarant, confused. "What the hell?" he asked. "How the hell did I get here?"
Envy looked at him for a moment, then grinned. "Don't worry about it. You'll get used to it."
Scar scratched his head. His stomach growled and he grinned sheepishly. "I'm hungry."

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Roy blinked up at Riza and grinned. "Yeah, I guess you-"

The door of the restaurant burst open in that instant, and a rather large crowd made their way in. Every eye in the palce was turned to the garish newcomers, which included a young woman with short black hair in the lead, a spiky-haired (and might I add well-dressed) and shark-toothed man sauntering several steps behind her, and a roly-poly blob in the rear.
Dante, the woman, paused at the doorway and her cold eyes landed directly on Roy Mustang. "Oh great," she said, with only slight sarcasm, "It's you and the goody-two-shoes gang."
"I think that's my line," Roy replied, standing. "What are you doing here, witch?"
Dante sneered. "Same as you." She cast an unfeeling eye about the little restaurant, her mouth curling in disgust. "That bastardisn't here, is he?"
Behind her, the shark-toothed man, Greed, was casually fixing his pimp glasses and watching, perplexed, as Gluttony, the roly-ploy, grabbed up a chair from a nearby table and shoved the whole thing into his over-sized maw.
Roy gave arepulsed look in the homunculus' direction, and, to Dante, replied, sarcastically, "What do you care?"

Kareena, several tables down from the action, had decided by now that one could only take so much of Maes Hughes. She stood, slowly.
"Something wrong?" he grinned.
A dark aura seemed to surround the girl, making her features appear ghastly. Her blank gray eyes flashed a blood red, and her silver hair fell in her face, giving her a Samara-esque scariness. "Go...away..."
Maes froze, sweatdropped, then found himself nodding and frantically running in the opposite direction.
Eyes fading back to normal, Kari sat back in her seat, brushing her hair back. "That was annoying."

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Riza had been poised to hit Roy when the homunculus walked in. She stopped in mid-slap and looked at dante. "Cause trouble, and I swear to God, I will blow your fucking brains out," she snarled.

"Gluttony, do behave yourself." The 'leader' of the homunculus sauntered in, smirking. Lust was wearing her normal black dress with her hair down, just as always. A small child came in, holding tight onto her hand. His purplish-gray eyes were large and round, and, clutched in his free hand, he held a glazed donut. He quickly hid it behind his back as Envy approached him.
"What was that, Wrath?" Envy asked.
"Nothing!" Wrath said, quickly.

Alina yawned and leaned on Ed. "I'm tired."

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Dante shot daggers at Riza with her eyes. "Grow up pussy, you can't even last two minutes against me. That and, go ahead, blow my fucking brains out. I'm already dead, remember?"
Gluttony looked at Lust and gave a quick "'Kay..", looking as if he had been thoroughly scolded. His pudgy hand reached out and prodded Wrath's back, trying to get the donut from the small boy. "Can I eat it?" His tongue draped lavishly out of his mouth, his acidic drool pooling on the floor beneath him.
Greed eyed the homunculus, rather creeped, then slowly inched his way towards the bar. Waving a hand flippantly, he exaggerated a sigh. "How do they expect me to work in these condi-" he paused, grinned. "Hey, amybe there'll be some babes at the bar! Mmm...booze and boobs..."

Roy, watching Riza and Dante square off, turned nonchalantly to edward. "FullMetal?"
Ed blinked. "Yeah, Mustang?"
"Let's get some food," Roy said, heading towards a table.
"S-sure thing," Ed replied, following. "You coming, Al?"

When Greed got to the bar, he wasn't sure it was any better then the rest of the restaurant. It seemed to be Karaoke time: a crazy red-haired chick with a beer bottle in one hand and her other arm slung over an officer's shoulders was singing. And the guy was singing too.
Hughes and Erin. Singing "I'm Too Sexy".
Now, what troubled Greed was not the beer bottles they were using as microphones, nor the singing itself. What bothered Greed, what really irked him, was that they were singing out of tune.

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Alina scowled as Ed walked away from her. It was in that small time-frame that she saw Lust. She started twitching, wanting more then anything to pull off her glove, though she knew it wouldn't do anything. She couldn't kill a homunculus, she knew; she had already tried her trick on Envy.
Lust looked over at Alina, and her mouth curled into a slow smile. "Well, well, well. Look who we have here," she said as Wrath stuffed the whole donut into his mouth, trying to keep it out of the reach of both Gluttony and Envy.
Alina snarled and glared at Lust. "It's the bitch from Hell, coming back to haunt everyone with her ugly face," she replied.
Envy was now, in the time it had taken Alina to make that comment, on top of Wrath, both homunculus lying on the floor, with Wrath pinned under Envy, who was trying to pry the kid's mouth open.

Al looked at Roy and Ed, then at Envy and Wrath, and nodded hastily.
Riza sighed and followed Mustang, casting a last glare back at Dante.
Scar, following, poked Roy in the shoulder as he pased. "Can I eat with you?" His arm twitched as he touched the alchemist.

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Roy shrugged. "Whatever, just no exploding body parts at the table." He found a rather large booth and sank down into it, Ed following suit. A waiter passed by, but paused when he realized there were customers at the table.
"What can I get you?"
"Steak," said Ed. "With Sprite."
"Milk," Roy corrected.
"Wha-? Goddamn it Mustang! I said Sprite!"
"You're too short. You need milk to get taller, or you won't make a good date for me to take...well, anywhere," Roy said, rather quietly so the easily-upset Riza Hawkeye wouldn't hear him.
Ed blushed furiously, then looked at Riza and whined, "Hawkeye, tell him I don't need milk!"

Gluttony gave an angry look as Wrath shoved the donut in his mouth. He was starving, having had Lust's careful eye on him for so long, and therefore having been kept from snacking on mortals recently. This led to the homunculus deciding, in his food-motivated mind, that he BADLY wanted that sugary donut, Gluttony jumped his fat self on top of the other two homunculus on the floor, perhaps thinking that crushing them would get him the donut. Somehow.
Dante whirled on the dogpile, snarling, "Fools, get up! This is a restaurant for Christ's sake! Stop fighting over one damn donut!"

In the bar, shark-tooth's voice could be heard over the other two's, his arm slung over his "pals" shoulders as he crooned into a beer bottle of his own, "I'm a model, you know what I mean..."

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Riza had had enough of this foolishness. She took out her gun and fired one shot between Alina and Lust, who were now at each other's throats. Literally. The two paused and looked at Riza.
"What the flippin' hell was that for, Hawkeye?" Alin asked.
Riza waved the gun from the two, to the seats at the table between Scar and Ed. "Sit. Now. Both of you."

To be Continued...