FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity
A joint fanfiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing
"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."
Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"
PART IV
Alina said something and Riza glared at her. "What?"
"I said, "I don't want to sit by her."" Alina said, a bit louder.
"Fine. Lust, sit on the other side of Scar. No arguement."
Lust shot a glare at Alina, who stuck her tongue out at the homunculus and then actually did as she was asked for once. Scowling again as she sat down by Edward, Alina busied herself by looking at the menu.
Envy looked up at Dante and flicked her off. "I'll do as I please," he said, going over to the table and sitting between Alina and Scar.
Things only seemed to intensify as Wrath scrambled away from Gluttony's mouth, swallowing the donut in one gulp. He climbed into the chair on the other side of Lust, immediately popping into the conversation with, "I want ice cream!"
"No! No sugar for you!" Envy's voice came from down the table.
Lust glanced at Wrath. "You can have steak." Wrath whined, but Lust silenced him with a look.
Scar watched Lust and Wrath quietly. He glanced nonchalantly at Gluttony, then at Roy who was currently Riza's new target in her gun-motivated threatening.
Riza, her grip quite tight on that gun, snarled at Roy, "He gets Sprite, Mustang. And if I hear one more comment like the one you just made, and I am referring to the one you thought I couldn't hear, Sir, I'm going to have to shoot you in a place where the sun doesn't shine."
Al sweatdropped. "Can everyone please get along?"
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Roy perked instantly, not even bothering to sweatdrop in the crazy gun-toting chick's presence as he smiled and said, "Okay, Hawkeye, as long as I get to sit by you."
As Dante took her seat beside Wrath, she glared at Envy, and, her voice, low, growled, "I might not be Hohenheim, but you had best watch your mouth, Envy Elric, because I am the ONLY person currently in this roomthat he ever taughthow to KILL a homunculus."
Edward snickered and nudged Mustang playfully in the side. "Envy got told!"
At this point, Maes had popped up at the table (magically), and was grinning at everyone. "Want to see?" he asked, as he started to hold up a picture, but was abruptly stopped as Roy's fist gripped the collar of his shirt tightly and flung him into an empty seat. Blinking, Hughes scanned the table in confusion.
"Where's the Lightning girl?" Roy asked.
Maes gave a little sob. "She's singing "Just the two of us" with that pushy shark-tooth guy. I wasn't needed (Greed kicked him out!)."
Roy rolled his eyes and gave a soft little sigh, full of vexation. "Let's...just get on with dinner."
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Riza rolled her eyes in unison with Roy, though she hadn't meant to.She looked around at the nearly full table. At the head of one end was Roy, and an empty seat. At the other end was Dante and an empty seat. One side, from Roy's head of the table down, was currently occupied by Ed, then Alina, Envy, Scar, Lust and Wrath. On the other side was Maes, Al, and then four empty seats, which she assumed belonged to the scary silver-haired chick, Erin, Greed, and Keppler. Seeing as how there was no way that Riza was going to sit next to the bitch zombie from hell (i.e. Dante), she decided to try her luck with Roy and pulled up the chair next to him. At least she could keep him under control this way.
Lust was tapping her clawed fingers on the table, thoroughly annoying Scar. Scar was glaring at Lust, who shrugged, smiled at him, then turned to Wrath, who had been trying to get her attention.
"Lust..." he whimpered, "I want ice cream."
"After dinner, Wrath," she said quietly, so that Envy wouldn't hear.
Envy wouldn't have heard anyways, having been listening to Dante. Leaning back in his chair, he waved the old witch woman off. "I'm so scared," he muttered, sarcastically. He snickered and poked Alina, who swatted his hand away.
Alina turned to Ed and grinned. "Envy's your brother then?"
Riza looked down the table. "Where is Jean Havoc?" she asked Roy, having realized there was no place for the blonde man at the table. There wasn't any place for Gluttony either, really, but that wasn't of much concern to Hawkeye anyway.
Finally annoyed, Alina turned on Envy and swatted his hand away. "What do you want, Envy?" she growled.
Envy shrugged and stuck his tongue out at Ed.
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Maes tugged at Roy's arm needily, grinning widely. Roy swatted his hand away, and, speaking to Hawkeye, stated, "He can join us when he's sober." Again, he slapped away Hughes' hand as it reached around Riza to tug on Roy's uniform.
"Roy..." Maes whined, persistantly tugging again.
"GODDAMN IT! WHAT?" Roy yelled at Hughes, moving to swat the older man's hand away, but tipping over his own chair by accident so that he slammed backwards into Edward. Ed flew from his seat and landed dazedly on the ground.
"Whoops, sorry, FullMetal."
Ed, who had been in mid-sentence when he had been tipped over, blinked up at Alina. "He's my HALF-brother." This was followed by a short pause as the young Elric stuck his tongue out at Envy in retaliation. "Hey, Dark Alchemist, can you help me up?"
Maes, meanwhile, having finally been regarded by Roy, giggled. "Havoc's drunk."
Roy sighed. "I know that, Hughes."
"Real drunk."
Havoc was indeed, real drunk. This was known simultaneously to practically the entire restaurant as suddenly an electric floor buffer shot out of the bar area, with the young blonde man clinging to it, ripping his shirt off and waving the tattered remnants high over his head with one hand as the other clung for dear life to the runaway piece of cleaning equipment. "WHOOHOOOO!" screamed Havoc with childish glee.
Gluttony, nearby, watched as the buffer went by, noticing the delectable dinner attached to it with the thought, "Can I eat it?" He glanced at Lust, who wasn't paying him any attention: she was busy with the little evil dwarf.he looked back at the buffer, and then charged across the room without a single thought other then the pursuit of dinner.
Roy rolled his eyes. It was definately a bad idea to bring everyone to dinner.
He happened to glance up just as the ghostly Kareena wandered over to the table, her feet sliding across the floor as if they weren't really touching it at all. Creeped out, his eyes widened, and he continued to stare at her until the tall, ghastly girl had taken her seat beside Al.
Looking at the tin-can armor beside her, Kari murmured a simple, "I'm...hungry."
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Riza watched Havoc cling to the buffer, shaking her head piteously. Turning to Roy, she scoffed. "We might as well all be drunk. I, in fact, will be drunk long before 2nd Lieutenant Havoc is sober."
Alina blinked and looked at Ed. She smacked Envy, who was about to say something, then nodded at the kid on the floor. "Yeah, alright," she said, putting out her hand to help him up. She stood to balance herself, and then glared at Envy, who was making fun of Edward. Growling lightly at the homunculus' cruel antics, she shot a smile at Ed as he managed to get to his feet.
Lust cast a glance at Gluttony as the blob went off to chase Havoc and the buffer. She sighed and shook her head.
Wrath grinned. "He's cool," he said, referring to Havoc. The little boy glanced at Scar and was suddenly at his side, staring and poking his tattoos. "What're those?' he asked.
Scar blinked and pushed the kid away. "Get off," he growled.
Alphonse, in an effort to be the only amiable one at the table, looked at Kareena and said, "Hi. I'm Alphonse Elric."
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Roy grinned stupidly. "I like the sound of that. He found himself adding, however, "But at this rate, it's going to be a loooong window of opportunity. Havoc's not going to be sober for quite some time." He shrugged. "Wahtever, but at least let me join you, Lieutenant Hawkeye."
Ed stood with Alina's help and smiled. "Thanks. At least someone here is nice," he said, pointedly giving Mustang a fierce glare which the older man didn't even notice.
Kareena looked over at Alphonse with an Osaka (Azumanga Daioh)-esque stare, just as her dark aura seemed to intensify and her eyes slipped to slits. But, just as suddenly as the darkness had come upon her, it left, and her eyes grew wide, her smile innocent.
"Hi! I'm K...Ka...Kar? Kayla? Katie? Ka...Kari! Yeah I'm Kari! My name's...K?" she paused, having already forgotten her name again. She gave it about five seconds consideration, before looking at Al and saying, "Hi, I'm Kari, who are you?"
Havoc, having taken a broom as a weapon, was now riding across the tile floor on the buffer, yelling obscenities, and waving his tool of mass destruction at the gaping mouth in hot pursuit.
"Back! Back you slobbering beast!"
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Riza stared at Roy. "I don't want to know what would happen if I got drunk with you," she said, as she waved the waiter over.
Alina smiled at Ed, then looked over at Riza. "Ey! If you're getting a beer, then I want one too!"
Riza raised an eyebrow at her. "You're underage, BlackWing."
Alina stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. "So?"
Riza laughed, turning to the waiter. Almost politely, she stated, "To hell with the rules. Order a round for everyone." She slumped back down in her chair comfortably.
Scar looked at Hawkeye and blinked. "Even this brat?" he asked, pointing to Wrath.
Riza nodded. "Even him."
Envy grinned and slammed a fist rowdily on the table. "YES! Alina's going to get drunk!"
Lust shook her head and looked at Wrath as he asked, "What's beer? Does it taste like sugar?"
Envy interrupted before Lust could say anything. "Yes it does, Wrath."
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Roy grinned the unmistakable grin of "I'm going to get some", fantasizing the things he might get Hawkeye to do once she was good and wasted. Like, perhaps, getting her into a miniskirt.
Ed shook his head scornfully in Roy's general direction, then looked at Riza. "Do I have to drink? I'm still a minor, you know."
Maes smiled cheerfully and began to hum, much to the few true adult's at the tables dismay, the beer song.
Greed waltzed over, slinging himself lazily in a chair beside Kari, a sharktoothed smile plastered on his face. "Did someone say beer?"
Havoc, meanwhile, found himself in an awkward position. While leaning out to smack Gluttony with the broom, the floor buffer had shot from underneath him and scurried away to the kitchen, seeing this as its only opportunity of escape. Now the young Lieutenant was seated, dazed, on his ass on the hard floor, with a gaping, acidily-drooling mouth looking down on him. Shit.
He could almost picture the tombstone:
"Jean Havoc
Died at the age of 23
Cause of Death: He made a good meal for the Pillsbury Doughboy's worst enemy, but there were too many bones!"
To be Continued...