Marissa couldn't help but stare down at the floor of Seth's SUV after that moment, thinking. Ryan tried to get her attention, but kept failing. She'd smile, pretend to be involved in the conversation, then drift off again.
Was that really her? Was I seeing things? She said she was leaving town... But if she was, then why was she walking into the Bait Shop just then? Marissa closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the seat. She felt the car come to a stop, and it rocked as Summer slammed her passenger-side door, dragging Marissa out as well.
"Come ON, Marissa." Summer said, pulling her up the front steps of Marissa's house. Marissa finally woke up, staring around her at the familiar pictures and paintings lining the hallway to her room. She had made it halfway through the house without realizing it! What was wrong with her?
She plopped down on her back on her bed, sighing loudly. She felt Summer drop down beside her. "What was the rush, just now?" She asked, trying to stay focused on the real world again.
Summer sighed, fluffing a pillow and laying on her side to face Marissa better.
(... Just like Alex had done...)
"Cohen was being himself, a usual jerk. Wouldn't shut up about that stupid comic book, and Reed. Pissed me off."
"Oh," was all Marissa said, eyes closed for a moment. She ran her hands through her hair, opening her eyes again, and turned to look at Summer.
Summer hesitated. "What... What were you so distant for a second ago?"
Marissa shook her head, sighing. "Nothing."
Summer frowned, pushing her lightly. "Oh come on, Marissa, you look like you've seen a ghost."
"I feel like I have..." She mumbled before she realized what she was saying, standing up and pacing the small space between her bed and the door.
Summer sat up, cocking her head to the right. "What?"
Marissa rolled her eyes, ashamed at her immaturity. She dropped herself down in her computer chair, looking collapsed. "I don't know, it's stupid..." She hesitated, pressing a few random keys on her keyboard. "I... I think I just saw Alex."
Summer's eyes widened, her eyebrows flying up. "Oh? Really? But didn't she say...?"
"Yes! And that's what's bothering me." Marissa explained.
There was a pause. "But... Marissa... Why are you so worried? Why are you acting like..."
"Like I still have feelings for her? I don't know, Summer! I thought I was happy with Ryan! I thought my phase was over-with... I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved Alex... But you know, as a friend. But now..."
"You're realizing that you're still in love with her." Summer finished.
Later, after Summer left, Marissa discovered that she was angry that she'd discussed it with her best friend. At first it felt great to have someone to talk to, but... Oh god, Seth'll be able to read her like a book, he'll know something's wrong... He'll tell Ryan.
But, after thinking about it, Marissa also discovered that she didn't really care if Ryan found out. But she didn't want him to find out through Cohen, who didn't really make things better, no matter how hard he tried. She didn't want to hurt Ryan, that was the last thing on her list. Maybe she should tell him that they should take a break for a while... But then she thought some more. They hadn't been back together that long... What if he just thinks that she's not ready, and keeps on pursuing her in his silent, shy way? If she was really going to do it, then she should do it right, let her feelings align themselves properly. She groaned, picking up the phone and dialing his number in the Cohen family's guest house.
She sighed, hearing the click and then the intake of breath as Ryan said: "Marissa?" She gasped, almost slamming the phone back down on its receiver.
Then she closed her eyes, focusing. "Hi, Ryan."
She heard the familiar smile in his voice: "Hey. How's it going?"
"Great, great…" She said, her hands in her pockets as she turned around and around in her room. "Listen… we need to talk."
Ryan took the breakup in a true gentlemanly fashion, saying "Yeah" and "I understand" a lot. But Marissa couldn't blame him when he asked: "Can I ask why? I mean… Marissa, we've only been back together a month… Are you so sure it's not going to work out?"
She sighed, looking down at her bedspread. She picked at a loose thread, sniffing as a few teardrops fell from her eyes. She wiped them angrily. Why do I always get so emotional?
"I don't know, Ryan. I mean… It's a lot of things, really."
"You saw Alex earlier, didn't you?" He asked without hesitating.
Marissa looked up, her blurry eyes staring, focused on her mirror, on her reflection. I look terrible… "What?" She said, closing her eyes again, blocking out the image.
"I didn't want to tell you, but I knew she was still in town."
"WHAT?" She asked, taking a huge grab of her blanket in her hand, glaring at herself in the mirror.
She heard him sigh before he said: "I… I went into the Bait Shop a week ago. I just knew that she hadn't left town. She cared for you too much, Marissa. Anyway, I went in, and went to the bar, where she was cleaning a glass. I sat down, and waited for her to notice me. She finally looked up, and couldn't speak. I nodded, and said: 'That's okay. Just listen. I'm sorry for what happened between you and Marissa. And I'm sorry I was in the middle of it.' She just looked at me, and nodded. But then she walked out of the room, kinda fast, and I saw her grab the towel and start dabbing at her eyes.
"I really am sorry, Marissa. What you two had… That was real. You were confused, but maybe now you know." She heard a sharp intake of breath, and then this, in a wheezy, quiet whisper: "I love you, but go back to the one you love."
That night, Marissa was restless. She flipped through all the channels on television, browsed her DVD collection, tried to flip through her Cosmo… Nothing worked. She thought about calling Ryan, or maybe Summer, but couldn't help but decide that she just didn't want to. She'd cried for two hours after Ryan hung up, and now felt drained… Physically and emotionally drained. But she also couldn't help but think that there was somewhere she needed to go. And soon.
She sighed for the hundredth time that night, and looked at the clock. Ten o' clock. She got up, stretching her arms outward. She rolled her eyes, grabbing a jacket and her keys, putting her cell phone in her pocket. "I can at least go for a drive." She told herself, as she walked through her house, noticing no other person close. She shrugged it off, and opened her car door.
Marissa couldn't believe her eyes when she realized where she was. Why am I in this damn parking lot? She asked herself. But, closing her eyes as she leaned her head back on the rest, she realized exactly everything she needed to know. Stepping out, she headed down the back alley where she and Alex had kissed so many times. She saw smoke drifting up from behind one of the cars by the door. Thinking it was another person who worked there, she decided to ask if Alex was working tonight. She touched the necklace hanging from her throat, unnoticing, as she walked around the car. But she froze when she saw who was smoking the cigarette.