Elizabeth was sitting next to Sheppard's bed when he came awake, without warning. It had been six days since the major had gone into a coma. Three days ago Carson had been able to take him off the ventilator and Avitus had visited and assured them that Sheppard would awaken soon.
Elizabeth had expected it to be slow process, but Sheppard was struggling to sit up, his eyes wild, panic written in his features. "John...John it's okay. You're okay." Elizabeth jumped up and grabbed his shoulders, keeping him back against the pillows. "You're in the infirmary." She watched as he clutched his head with shaky hands and his eyes scrunched shut. She could tell he was in pain. "CARSON!" Elizabeth bellowed. "GET IN HERE!"
Carson barreled into the room, his eyes going wide at the sight of Sheppard. He pushed Elizabeth aside, one hand reaching for Sheppard's wrist to take his pulse. The other touched the major's face. "Major...can you hear me?"
"Hurts..." John whispered, through clenched teeth.
"I can give you a little something for the pain." With that Carson ran off again.
Elizabeth had moved to the other side of the bed. "John...I'm here." She wasn't' sure he heard her or understood, but she needed to say it.
John slitted one eye open, then he reached out to her with a shaky hand.
"It's going to be okay," Elizabeth said softly, as she gripped his hand and held it firm between both of her own. She felt the weakness of Sheppard's grip and that scared her. He was always so strong. And he was trembling so hard it just about made her teeth rattle. "Just hang on." She was about to call for Carson to hurry up, but he came rushing back in at that moment.
"You'll be feeling better in a minute, Major," Carson said, as he injected a clear liquid into the IV port.
Elizabeth felt Sheppard's fingers grow lax in her grip as his entire body relaxed into the mattress. She moved closer and leaned in, watching as his eyes fluttered open again and this time they weren't glazed with pain. "How do you feel?" she asked.
John looked at Weir, then turned to look at Beckett. He blinked a few times then turned back to Weir and replied, "Confused."
"I'll bet," Elizabeth said softly. "Do you remember what happened?"
"I need to talk to Avitus," John whispered, and as he spoke his eyes fluttered closed.
Elizabeth watched him fight to open them. She looked at Beckett.
Carson squeezed Sheppard's shoulder. "Rest now, Major," he said firmly. "When you wake up again we'll send Avitus in to see you."
John said nothing. He was asleep.
Elizabeth felt a moment of panic at how still Sheppard was. She looked at Beckett. "Carson?"
"He's fine...just sleeping," Carson assured her. He met Weir's worried gaze. "I gave him something to help him rest."
"Is that wise?"
Carson shrugged. "Maybe not, but the Major just woke up from a coma. I don't think he's ready to deal with what's happened yet. I'll be monitoring him closely. I'll take good care of him."
Elizabeth knew he would. "Call me when he wakes up again," she ordered. Then she laid Sheppard's hand back on the bed before exiting the room.
oOo
John felt uncomfortable in his own skin. He remembered everything that had happened to him. He even, vaguely, remembered Rodney being there. At least, he remembered hearing Rodney's voice. That had been comforting somehow. The moment he woke up again, John knew something had changed. He had changed. His head still ached, but Beckett had given him something to dull the pain, but it felt as if his brain had swollen and was now too big to fit into his skull. Thoughts and ideas and voices weaved in and out of his mind. Memories that were his but not his. Thoughts that made sense yet seemed foreign. Voices that were familiar, yet not. And that was not the only thing that felt different. John felt this strange hum beneath his skin. Like a sense of power, vibrating deep inside him, waiting to be unleashed. It scared the hell out of him.
"Major."
John turned his head and was surprised to see Avitus standing next to the bed. He hadn't heard anyone approaching. "What happened to me?" John demanded, because he knew that Avitus would have the answers to all of his questions.
A slow smile curved the Ancient's thin lips. "You have become what you were meant to be," he said quietly. "Atlantis recognized you from the moment you stepped through the gate, major. She welcomed you home."
"What the hell are you talking about?" John hissed, and he struggled to sit up, ignoring the throbbing in his temples and the sudden wave of dizziness that made him grip the bed rail hard.
"You know the truth, major," Avitus countered. "You are what we would have become had the Wraith not prevented it."
John panted through another wave of dizziness and gave up, settling back against the pillows. He closed his eyes and the bile that had clogged in his throat slid away. He swallowed hard then said, "What have you done to me?"
Avitus sighed. "Chaya showed you the truth, major. Do not fear it."
"I don't' want this," John whispered. He tapped a fingertip against his forehead. "You're wrong about me. I'm an Air Force major from Earth, not the second coming of your race!"
"You can deny the truth all you like," Avitus allowed. "But it will not change it."
John knew that, but he couldn't shake the fear, or the anger that burned deep inside him. The fear of this, of what he had become, shook him to his core. "I'm tired," he whispered.
Avitus seemed relieved and nodded. "We will talk later. When you are ready."
"That would be never," John shot back, then he listened as Avitus walked away. And when sleep pulled him into swirling darkness, John embraced it. In this moment he craved sweet oblivion.
oOo
Three days after waking up from his coma, John was on his feet and out of the infirmary. Beckett wasn't happy about it but John turned a deaf ear to his protests. He knew he was strong enough to leave. Avitus told him he hadn't really been ill, he had simply been adjusting, and that now he was stronger and healthier than ever. And other than a slight headache that didn't seem to want to leave him, John did feel better. A lot better. And he knew it was time to face the music, so to speak.
To that end, Doctor Weir had called a briefing. She, Doctor Beckett, McKay, Teyla, Avitus and John would be in attendance. And everyone was already in place around the conference table when John entered the room. He felt all eyes upon him as he moved to his usual seat at the narrow end of the table.
To his surprise he found a plateful of muffins. John looked at Teyla, who nodded at him, and he knew that they were the Athosian version of blueberry muffins that he liked so much. John mouthed a thank you at Teyla and was warmed by her smile. It was something that felt normal and he embraced it.
"You should eat one of those, Major," Carson spoke up, pointing to the muffins. "You need to gain about ten pounds back and those muffins are packed with calories."
"I'll eat one later," John said firmly, giving Beckett the evil eye. The man never let up about his weight, and hadn't since John had stepped foot in Atlantis.
Elizabeth called the meeting into order. "First things first, major," she said, as she locked eyes with him from across the length of the table. "Can you tell us how you're feeling?"
John held her gaze. This was the moment of truth for them all. "You mean as in - do I feel different?" At her nod he sighed then scrubbed a hand through his hair, making it stand up further on end. "Actually...I think maybe I should back up and start at the beginning."
"The beginning?" Rodney echoed.
"Yeah...the beginning," John stated, glancing over at McKay. "Back to when all of this Ancient thing started."
Elizabeth frowned at him. "What do you mean?"
John wondered for a moment if maybe making his confession was the wrong thing to do, but then he realized that everyone had a right to know. What had happened to him would affect them all. So he sighed then he began his tale. "When we stepped through the gate into Atlantis, I felt something."
"Felt what?" Rodney interjected, his tone of voice revealing both impatience and curiosity.
"Like this...hum," John replied, although that wasn't a true description.
Avitus was smiling. "You felt the city," he said softly.
John turned to look at him. "Yes. I even asked Doctor Beckett about it. If he felt anything and he told me no." John now focused on the doctor.
Carson frowned then nodded. "Aye...I remember you asking me that and thinking it was odd at the time."
"Go on, major," Elizabeth interjected. "What else?"
"Nothing specific," John continued. "At least, nothing I recognized at the time. I just felt very connected to the city. I figured everyone with the gene felt the same way, so I didn't question it then. And I probably wouldn't have questioned it at all if it hadn't been for what happened with Chaya." John felt, more than heard, the silence that filled the room.
Then Rodney shattered it. "What do you mean? What happened with Chaya?"
John wasn't sure how to explain this, but he gave it a shot. "When I followed her back to Proculus we...um...we shared." He really couldn't think of a better word for what had happened. In retrospect he wished he had never gone back. But that was the past and John had to deal with the here and now and how it affected the future. His future. And the future of Atlantis. Because he knew he was directly linked to the city now.
"Sharing?" It was Teyla who spoke up now.
"Yes." John stared down at his hands, fingers clasped together on the table top, as he continued. "We shared of each other, I guess is the best way to explain it. She showed me who and what she was, and she saw the same in me. And ever since then, things changed for me. It was as if by sharing with Chaya, I suddenly became super sensitized to anything Ancient related."
Rodney looked disgruntled as he spat out, "You had glowy sex."
John flushed and shot him a look of anger. "It's not like that. It's not a physical thing."
"They cannot understand, Major," Avitus interjected. "And it is not for them to understand." He looked at everyone in the room before announcing, "In essence, what Chaya did was to awaken that which was dormant in the major. And in doing so she allowed him to finally connect with Atlantis in the way he was meant to do."
"Why didn't you mention this before, John?" Elizabeth asked, and her eyes were sharp with anger held in check.
John didn't blame her for being angry. He was angry at himself. He had allowed himself to believe in Chaya but not for the reasons Rodney had believed. It hadn't been about lust or playing Captain Kirk. The moment John had laid eyes on Chaya he had felt a bond with her that he couldn't explain and, at the time, he hadn't cared what it meant. He had simply wanted to be with her.
"I'm sorry," John replied, as he made eye contact with Weir. "I should have told you but it felt so private. It was something personal and, at the time, I didn't think it had anything to do with Atlantis. If I had believed myself to be compromised in anyway I would have told you."
Elizabeth nodded. "I believe you would have. So...you're saying that after you shared with Chaya, everything changed?"
"Pretty much. But it was a slow and subtle change, at least at first." John unclasped his hands and lifted one so he could rub his forehead with his fingertips. His headache was coming back full force.
"Maybe we should cut this short and let the Major rest," Carson spoke up, his eyes on Sheppard.
John was the one to shake his head. "No...I'm fine. I'd rather get this over with."
Rodney was tense in his chair, his body nearly vibrating with anger. "So what else haven't you told us, Major?" he demanded.
It was tempting to reply with a sarcastic remark, but John bit his tongue. In a way he couldn't blame Rodney for being pissed at him. "I started having dreams," John continued. "But they got worse in the past few weeks. Ever since my suicide run and the big save."
"Why do you think that is?" Elizabeth asked, with genuine curiosity.
"I don't know," John replied, honestly. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know.
Rodney was drumming his fingertips on the table top in a nervous rhythm. "I was right," he said to no one in particular.
Elizabeth heard him. "Right about what?" she prompted.
"My theory that Major Sheppard beamed himself over to the Wraith ship during his suicide run," Rodney explained. "I had been theorizing that like the Jumper used to send your other self back in time...well...you know what I mean." Rodney waved an impatient hand at Weir. "Anyway...I had figured that the jumper the Major used had that capability which, since it blew up, I couldn't prove my theory. Now I realize it wasn't the jumper, it was Sheppard who had the ability to transport himself."
"That would be correct, Doctor McKay," Avitus responded.
John didn't want to hear this. He knew he had to face reality, but he wanted to postpone it, if only for a little while. "I'm going to lie down for a while," he said abruptly, as he pushed himself up to his feet. Then before anyone could protest, John was out the door. He stepped into the nearest transporter and made it to his room. Once inside he made sure the door slid shut and locked it, then he let his back hit the wall as he slid down to the floor and buried his face in his hands.