Please Note: I do not own the HP books, nor any of the characters except those I might choose to add. This is a humor fic, which means I may write things that make no sense, do not go along with the original plot (unless J.K decides Hermione and Snape should be together..among other things.)...And my muse is a jester.
Also- I've read so many fics, some of the things I use might be from them. If you find this happening I'm sorry.
This- vnvnvnvnvnvnvnvn-means the next scene, or a skip in the story. For some reason my computer won't let me do anything else. Rawr. It sucks big.
Summary:
Mr. and Mrs. Granger decide to get to know the wizarding world a little bit more. They hire a 'Muggle Consultant', finding themselves drawn into things a little more than they expected.
Let's pretend nothing having to do with Voldemort (he's hibernating..perhaps) happens in year six. Just for a few seconds. Now imagine...
Start story:
Mr. Granger frowned over the daily newspaper. "How do they do it?" He puzzled over the moving picture. An older woman was smiling happily and waving at him, a bored looking cow stood next to her. The headline read 'HUMBLE WITCH, FINDS NEW CURE FOR COWS'.
His daughter, a witch in that world- leaned over, glancing nonchalantly at the paper. She smiled, a shy twinkle in her eye. "Magic."
He grumbled. Turning back to his coffee and scone. He hadn't understood when she was eleven, he still didn't at age fifteen. He tried to let her explain things, but after insisting for a logical or mathematical or scientific answer she decided to start shrugging her shoulders and say the word 'Magic.'.
Magic.
He sighed. Sometimes it felt like a dream. But it wasn't was it? He was really the father of a Witch. He glanced fondly over the rims of his glasses at the crown of his daughter's head. He loved her...he really did.
I'm too old for this.
He sighed. He would have to do something about this..gap. It had grown between him and his daughter over the years. Things she would say, an accidental slip, would make no sense to him. Sometimes she tried to explain, other's she just ignored.
Was she pulling away from him?
He wouldn't let her pull away anymore. He knew of men who never spoke to their children anymore, it would not happen to him.
It would not.
His eyes landed on an add, placed at the corner of the page.
There was hope.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv (remember-this means either change of p.o.v, scene, or a skip in the story)
"Well, Mr. Granger, Mrs. Granger. I think I can help you."
The man, half hidden in the shadows he had magically cast with a wave of his wand, watched gleefully as the couple before him leaned forward eagerly.
"Oh, thank you!" The woman was fairly attractive, despite her hair.
"We appreciate this." The man spoke quietly. He was attractive too, in a fatherly way.
"I just happen to be an..ah..expert, shall we say- in this kind of thing"
The couple nodded. He grinned.
"Shall we get you started?"
He stood. They gasped, both frightened and shocked at the imposing figure he made. This man should be a judge or...a lawyer. His large nose dripped over and onto his upper lip, his eyebrows were large and bushy-falling together at the middle when he frowned.
"Come, come, we haven't got all day!"
They almost whimpered, the wife scooting close to her husband. He laughed, a loud booming laugh.
Then fast as lightning he grabbed at his nose and pulled it off.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv
Hermione stared at him. The lust she felt was eating at her mind and soul. She was drenched in sweat, shivering and aching.
He was so close, yet so far away. She couldn't stand it. She needed him, wanted him. It was too much. She wanted to scream, to have his lithe body pressed against hers, to have his lips crush hers with such passion, such ferocity that would shame even the most ludicrous romance novels.
Her body was suddenly bare, suddenly exposed to the chill air. She looked up from the floor shyly, her cheeks flaming as she realized he was also unclothed.
The room of Requirement had given them a large bed. The sheets were a deep red. Rose petals were strewn about the bed and floor. Scented candles gave off a hint of spices.
They came together, crushing their bodies together as if they might somehow melt into eachother. They fell onto the bed. His hands skimmed her body, and she moaned. It was all so unreal. So intense.
Every nerve of her body was on fire. And just when she couldn't stand it any longer...,
it squeaked.
Her hand reached up, fumbling around for it. She knew it was there. Her fingertips brushed along rough clothe. There!
She pulled it into the faint light, her face a mask of horror. She squeezed it.
It squeaked again.
She peeled her eyes from the thing and stared open mouthed at her lover.
"What? So I like little house elf dollys, nothin' to make fuss about."
He shrugged, grinning sheepishly.
"Ohh...Nevell."
Her eyes snapped open. What was that? She was close to screaming in her mind. A sex dream about...him! It wasn't right. It was...horrid. Awful.
She closed her eyes.
Never again. Never ever again. Never again.
The chant grew in her mind, using up all of her concentration. She bit her lip, frowning.
Never again!
vnv End Chapter One:
Yahhh...I apologize for any misspellings, grammar errors, or anything else crappy. And for a short chapter.
It's getting late, I'm getting tired. Eh. When I look back at what I wrote I'm reminded of being a kid again. Don't ask me what I mean, I just mean it.
REVIEW: Because uhm...I can make my muse do tricks and stuff. Or because of any reason you may have. No flames.
Please.
ohh!
QUESTION: Do any boys/guys read these snape/granger fics? It's a wonderous prospect.
Ta.