Please Note: I do not own the HP books, nor any of the characters except those I might choose to add. This is a humor fic, which means I may write things that make no sense, do not go along with the original plot (unless J.K decides Hermione and Snape should be together..among other things.)...And my muse is a jester.
Also- I've read so many fics, some of the things I use might be from them. If you find this happening I'm sorry.
This- vnvnvnvnvnvnvnvn-means the next scene, or a skip in the story. For some reason my computer won't let me do anything else. Rawr. It sucks big.
Summary:
Mr. and Mrs. Granger decide to get to know the wizarding world a little bit more. They hire a 'Muggle Consultant', finding themselves drawn into things a little more than they expected.
Let's pretend nothing having to do with Voldemort (he's hibernating..perhaps) happens in year six. Just for a few seconds. Now imagine...
Start Story: Chapter Three
vnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Severus Snape's Office.
"We're to be married."
He hadn't wanted to hear those words. Hadn't wanted to face the idea. His stomach felt sick.
Married.
And to Granger, of all people. Why hadn't his father just disowned him. He was sure he could live with itmore than he could with Granger.
He looked at the girl.
She glared at him.
"May I see the letter?"
She threw it at him. It hit his lower waist, almost too close for comfort to his...
She smirked.
He ignored her, unfolding the letter. His eyes scanned it, becoming wide or surprisingly small at several parts.
He reread it several times. At last he gently placed it on his desk.
"Is your mother mad?" He could not believe it. The woman, how could she do something like that, and to her own daughter?
Ganger bristled.
"My mother is not mad."
Yes, she is.
"She's overprotective. I don't have to go college! I can just get a job with what knowledge I have."
"You'll still have to marry me."
"I do not!"
"Do not become a silly brainless girl like you did that night in the Hospital Wing!" He ordered.
She fell silent.
"You heard."
"Yes."
"Why do I have to marry you?"
"Because," He rolled his eyes. "Your parents happened to sign a Wizard Marriage Contract. They cannot be undone unless either one of us dies or one of them dies."
She blanched.
"Exactly. We are officially engaged."
"I didn't want to hear that."
"You had to."
"What are we going to do?"
"Almost nothing until we receive copies of the contract."
"Should we tell Professor Dumbledore?"
"Of course."
She looked positively frightened. He smirked.
Severus Snape was an odd creature. In times of discomfort, whether it was his own, or that of another-he always felt the need to make them feel worse. A habit he blamed on his father.
"I wonder..." He drawled out.
She looked up, a spark of hope in her eyes.
"What?"
"In marriage contracts, the parents agree upon a list of..conditions they require the marriage to achieve or produce."
She quivered. His eyes lit up with predatory gleam.
"I am the only heir."
She gasped, shaking her head vigorously.
"Ms. Granger, my father is not the type to let something so valued in purebloods pass for the comfort of a muggle-born. It is, after all, the only reason I am to marry."
She stood still, like a life-threatened rabbit.
His left eyebrow rose.
"There are also..other things he would require. He is after all a Slytherin, and Slytherin men like their luxurys."
She almost crumpled to the floor. He was laughing inside.
"W..what kind of.." She gulped.
He strode towards her. He leaned close, enjoying the way she defiantly glared up at him. One of his long pale fingers pushed her face up towarsd his own as he leaned down.
"My father would never forget to allow his son the pleasures of a wife."
She flushed.
"My parents would never agree to that."
He laughed.
"We'll see."
vnvnvnvnvnv ...Hermione's p.o.v
She watched him as he turned around, and walked back to his desk.
The object had obviously served him well, adding to the image of Scary Potions Master. It was of the darkest wood she had ever seen. He pulled out a note sized piece of parchment, quickly jotting down two lines.
He muttered something, and the note disappeared.
Even in her weakened state she felt the ripple of excitement that ran through her mind at body at the sight of wandless magic.
She was curious, she wanted to know what he wrote.
As if reading her thoughts he looked up.
"Sit down Granger, Albus will be here soon."
She felt a surge of relief. Professor Dumbledore would know what to do. He might even know a way to get her out of this!
She sat down, nervously looking around. She needed to do something with her hands. She began to drum a muggle song on her knees.
"You will cease that racket." Snape spat, glaring at the log book in front of him.
She stared at his nose.
She stared at his eyebrows.
She stared at his lips.
Were they actually pink? She snorted. Snape has pink lips!
She stared at his cheeks. They were slightly pink also.
Pink lips, pink cheeks. What else is pink? No. I did not just get that image.
She shuddered.
She stared at his hands.
Instrument playing hands. An artist' hands.
She stared into his eyes.
What would he do if she told him about that sex dream? She remembered the squeaking house elf toy and shuddered.
Squeak.
The fire burning in the hollow niche of the stone wall farthest from them turned a merry green. An old man wearing yellow and purple robes stepped gingerly out. He brushed off his robes, smiling gently as she sighed his name in relief-
"Porfessor Dumbledore!"
He smiled. Welcoming the child into his arms. She hugged him fiercely. He rubbed her back, and ushered her back into her seat.
"I think I know what is going on," He said as he settled into the chair next to Hermione's. "Miss Gnager received a letter today, shall I read it?"
Snape nodded curtly, handing the letter over.
Hermione felt the butterflies in her stomach return. Would Dumbledore question her mother's sanity also?
She watched intently as his read the letter. He sighed. Her dread increased.
"There is nothing I can do until we see the contract."
Silence.
And then as if on cue there was a noise that broke the silence-
POP!
All three jumped. It had landed in front of Snape.
POP!
They were suddenly startled again by another rolled and sealed parchment arriving. This time arriving in front of Hermione. It had landed with the seal face up.
She stared at it.
Amidst many swirls and flourishes sat a mud brown G.
A grunt of disbelief and astonishment brought her attention to the Potion's Master. He was reading his copy of the contract.
Glancing at Dumbledore, she reached out and picked it up. She slid her finger along to edge to break the seal. A cloud of sparkles erupted from it as she unrolled the pages.
Dumbledore sneezed.
She scanned the contract.
"This is ludicrous!" Snape tossed his copy to Dumbledore. The older man deftly caught it and rolled it open.
She stared in horror at the conditions her mother, her own mother had set.
Dates with Severus Snape, before and after the wedding. Gifts from Severus at random occasions, also before and after the wedding. A traditional pureblood wedding with fairies, doves, and rainbow confetti. Romantic nights spent with Severus Snape, and possibly a granchild or two. Jewelry to be given randomly, and a portrait to be painted.
And that wasn't even the whole if it.
The exchange offered was help with the wedding, and then help with the grandchildren, and help with any tooth problems, or any relationship problems.
She turned the page to see what Snape's father had written.
One male heir.
She snarled sarcastically at the Snape before her-
"Of course, it has to be male."
He smirked.
One male heir. Somewhat obedience. A percentage of any financial gains. Acceptance of any physical needs.
She went considerably pale.
The exchange he offered was to support her in every way. Education, financial, personal.
She glared at the page, willing it to set fire.
Dumbledore cleared his throat.
"I will go to the ministry tomorrow. I suggest both of you take a strong sleeping potion."
He stood and headed to the fire.
He turned back, looking sadly at them.
"There will be no classes for either of you tomorrow."
And then he was gone.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Griffindor Common Room.
Hermione wearily climbed through to the common room. She noticed Harry and Ron asleep in two plush chairs by the crackling fire.
She crept past them, not wanting to asnwer their questions.
When she reached her bed, she glanced longingly at it, and pulled out the small vile in her robe's pocket.
She uncorked it, and pressed it to her lips. She swung her head back, letting the contents slide soothingly down her throat.
She slid under the blankets, groaning gently as her body sunk gratefully into the bed.
He really does make great sleep potions.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv
Mah. I'm so tired. Should-not-have-stayed-up-till-three-writing.
Once again apologize for any mistakes, I am so tired I cannot tell my left from my right. How in the world do you spell dumbledore's damn name! I can never remember. I've lost all sanity.
And is it just me, or is this fic kind of...not funny? I don't know. I've only laughed a few times so far. And it's mostly been at myself...
REVIEW: Because this fic rocks your socks and the block. I'm just kidding. You can like it however much you like. You can even have a love/hate relatioship with it. Muaha.
wow. short chapter.
Ta.