His confrontation with Avitus, and his subsequent bonding with Atlantis left John feeling drained. He had retreated to his quarters, crawling into bed and pretty much passing out. He didn't rouse from slumber until a pounding at his door drug him out of the blissful darkness. Feeling groggy, John sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He thought the lights up to a dim glow then called out, "Who is it?"
"Santa Claus!" Rodney snapped back. "Now let me in!"
Heaving a sigh, John willed the door open. A moment later McKay was looming beside his bed. "What do you want?" John asked, as he reached for the bottle of water he had left on the nightstand the night before. He chugged it down and felt a bit better.
Rodney studied Sheppard for a long moment then said, "Do you know what time it is?"
"No." John blinked at his watch. "Seven o'clock." Which meant he had been asleep for about eight hours.
"Are you okay?"
John frowned at Rodney, wondering at the concern he saw in the other man's eyes. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" As he spoke John threw off the covers and made to rise. He had to go like a bastard.
Rodney grunted. "Well...the fact that you've been asleep for almost twenty hours bothers me a bit. Teyla said she couldn't wake you."
"Teyla?" John was focused on that at first then it hit him what Rodney had just said. "Whoa...wait a minute. I've been out for twenty hours?" That explained why he had to pee so bad.
"Carson doesn't seem to be as worried as the rest of us," Rodney countered.
Which further confused John. "Hold on I have to go, then you can explain what I missed." John headed for the bathroom, relieved his bladder, splashed cold water on his face then returned to the other room. "What were saying about Carson?"
Rodney was sitting in the chair by the small desk in the corner. "Teyla was worried so she asked me if I had talked to you. Then I got worried so we went to Carson. He thinks you're just trying to catch up on lost sleep. Which we all know you can't make up for lost sleep so...I was worried. I mean...Teyla and I were worried." Rodney sighed. "Are you okay or not?"
"Probably not," John replied. But when Rodney's head shot up and his eyes went wide, John amended, "I'm fine...just still weirded out by what happened."
"Yeah...of course." Rodney rubbed a hand over his face. He looked tired. "So...what's it like anyway?"
John knew what he was asking. "I don't think I can describe it."
Rodney looked disappointed. "Wish it was me." He looked surprised to have said that.
"No...you don't!" John's tone was sharper than he had intended and he shook his head at the look of surprise on Rodney's face. "It's scary, okay? Too scary." John didn't know how else to explain it. "Look...I'm gonna shower then grab something to eat."
"Mind if I wait?"
That surprised John a little, but he shook his head. "I don't mind." He grabbed some clothes then headed into the bathroom again. He showered fast, got dressed, brushed his teeth, roughly finger combed his hair, and was ready to go. "So what's the special for today?" John asked, as he and Rodney headed for the nearest transporter.
Rodney was smiling. "Pancakes. The Athosians have this quick growing wheat substance that makes passable flour and Teyla gave the recipe to the cooks."
"Should be interesting," John said, and he was smiling back at Rodney. It felt good to smile again. To have a simple and meaningless conversation. He missed that more than he had realized.
"I just hope they have syrup," Rodney stated. Then he launched into a explanation of how Canadian maple syrup was far superior to anything else made.
John didn't argue the point. He was content to wallow in this tiny moment of normalcy.
oOo
John's days fell into a pattern. He slept more, ate more, made sure to drink tons of water, and worked out with Teyla. He wanted back out in the field. Every day he put aside a bit of time to spend with Avitus. John still didn't trust him, but he was learning from he Ancient, and that was beneficial to him. Plus John had always believed it was good to get to know the enemy, and that was how he saw Avitus. All the more so because Atlantis herself was afraid of the Ancient.
John was beginning to understand why. During the time spent with Avitus, the old man kept trying to convince John that his idea to form a supernova was the right thing to do. John played along for now, letting Avitus believe that he was becoming convinced of the same. But in reality, John didn't know what to do.
So he focused instead on becoming strong again. His workouts with Teyla became an exercise in learning true focus and inner control. John was still afraid of his powers. Still afraid that something might happen and he would hurt someone. He still dreamed about how he had killed the Wraith and he would wake up shaking, body drenched in a cold sweat.
Beckett gave John another physical and he was stunned by his improvement. Just five days after his last collapse and John was deemed to be in perfect health. Which made John feel antsy. He was getting bored. He wanted to go back out in the field, but convincing Weir wasn't so easy.
John sat across from her in her office. "I'm ready to do my job, Doctor. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be allowed to do so."
Elizabeth locked eyes with him across the desk. "You told me yourself you're afraid you can't control your new abilities, John. What if something happened out there and you lost control?"
"So you're going to keep me grounded forever?" John was out of his chair and in her face. "Look...if that's the case then send me back to Earth. Back to Antarctica. At least I'd still be flying!"
"It's not that simple and you know it."
Her softly spoken words took the wind out of John's sails and his anger faded. "I know that." He dropped back into his chair. "Listen...I have to do something, okay? I'm getting cabin fever being stuck here. Just let me go on a small mission. A milk run. Let me test the waters."
Elizabeth made a face then dropped her head into her hands for a moment. "It makes me nervous."
"I promise to be on my best behavior," John told her. He understood her fears. He was more afraid of what he had become than she could ever imagine. What she had seen him do was just the tip of the iceberg. His power was far greater than he was willing to let her know. John wasn't ready to accept it in himself. So he was struggling to be as normal as possible, if only for a little while. "Just give me a chance to prove myself." He knew he had reached her when she sighed and gave him a rueful grin.
"I guess that's only fair," Elizabeth allowed. "Let me discuss it with Carson and I'll get back to you."
John could live with that. "Thank you." He left the room before she could change her mind and headed straight for the gym. Teyla was there, as he knew she would be, and John stepped over to the corner and picked up one of the long staffs. They had moved on to this style of fighting and he found it to be a bit more challenging for him. Well, as challenging as it could be since he had acquired his new powers. If nothing else, the movements gave him something to focus on.
John would try and 'feel' where each reaction he made came from. He kept trying to understand how his body flowed in such a way without conscious thought so that he could remember it as something he used to have to think about.
Teyla smiled at Sheppard then grabbed her own staff. "Ready?" she asked, taking up a stance before him.
"Ready," John replied, and he let her make the first move.
For the next hour there was only the sound of stick's clashing and Teyla's heavy breathing. John didn't even feel winded by the time Teyla called a halt for a breather. They both drank some water then John paced around the room as Teyla got her second wind. He lifted one hand and pressed his palm against the wall, smiling to himself as he felt the warm vibration of the city against his skin as she reacted to his touch. John felt her as she touched back, touching his mind, then whispering to him softly.
"Major?"
John had to drag himself away, breaking contact with the wall, and feeling a sense of loss as he turned to face Teyla. "Yes?"
Teyla was eyeing him with concern. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." John frowned at her, wondering why she sounded so worried. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"You seem...distracted," Teyla replied.
John realized that he was and nodded. "Yeah...I guess I am. I've got a lot on my mind. Mind if we call it a night?" he asked.
Teyla was nodding. "Of course. Do you wish to practice again tomorrow?"
"I hope we're going through the gate tomorrow," John replied, offering a slight smile. He enjoyed Teyla's look of surprise.
"You have been cleared to go through the gate again?"
John shrugged. "I hope so. Weir said she'd get back to me. So cross your fingers."
Teyla frowned. "Cross my fingers?" she echoed.
"Just...think good thoughts," John replied. "I'll catch you later." He headed out, feeling better and more normal than he had in a while.
oOo
John could feel Rodney staring at him and he turned to lock eyes with the astrophysicist. "What?" John demanded.
Rodney flinched as if struck. "Nothing."
"Then why are you staring at me?" John demanded, because it was beginning to bug him.
"I'm not staring," Rodney denied, then he huffed a sigh. "Okay...I was staring. I just...I think this is a bad idea."
Elizabeth had joined them near the gate and she was the one who asked, "What is a bad idea?"
Rodney looked at her and stated, "Letting the Major go off world."
"Why?" John was the one who snapped the question. He was not happy to hear this from Rodney. All the more so because during the briefing, McKay hadn't said a word. Now they were minutes from stepping through the gate and now he was concerned. To John it felt a bit like a betrayal.
"I just...well...the Major is valuable," Rodney said, without much conviction.
John frowned at that. "Valuable?"
Rodney glared at him. "You're the key to everything, Major. If something should happen to you --"
"Nothing can happen to me, McKay!" John snapped, as he moved to confront his teammate. "Remember? I'm the all powerful freak!" John hadn't meant to shout but then he was deafened by the sudden silent that fell across the gate room. Anger and embarrassment brought a flush of heat into his face.
"Rodney...it's my decision to make," Elizabeth stated firmly, her soft voice cutting through the heavy silence.
Rodney turned his glare on her. "And what if something goes wrong?"
Elizabeth held his glare. "I don't expect it should," she countered. "A trade agreement is already in place with the Folnerians. All you will be doing is renegotiating the trade agreement, and given that they're very eager to trade with us and it's gone well to date, I don't see the problem. Do you?"
"I guess not," Rodney mumbled, but it was obvious he wasn't happy about this."
"You don't have to come with us," John interjected, and he was still angry with Rodney. Angry because this still felt like some sort of betrayal.
Rodney heaved a put upon sigh. "I'll go."
Elizabeth nodded at them both. "Good. Be careful and come back safe," she entreated, then she ordered, "Dial up the gate!"
John felt a rush of excitement as he watched the puddle form before him. He was ready for an adventure. So as he stepped through with his team, he was smiling.
oOo
The trading went well. In fact it had gone almost too well, in the sense that it was over almost before it had begun. John knew that Weir would be pleased, but he wasn't ready to go home yet.
Rodney, however, was chomping at the bit. "Let's get back," he said, as he almost herded everyone out of the meeting chamber.
They emerged into sunshine and John sucked in a deep breath of fresh air. He really wanted to stay a bit longer, but even as he had the thought, he felt a tingle. And then he heard Teyla's hoarse whisper from beside him.
"Wraith!"
"Head for the gate!" John ordered, even as he looked up and saw a Wraith dart fly overhead. It was followed by another and another. Dozens of them. He watched as the Folnarians ran, screaming, trying to hide but being swept up by the culling beam. Fear and anger swept over him at the loss of life and he stopped running. Closing his eyes, John concentrated. He felt a liquid heat building inside him until it erupted into a white-hot flame of pure power. With a flicker of his mind, with a simple thought, he directed the power at the Wraith darts.
John didn't see them disintegrate. He didn't hear the gasps of disbelief. He didn't feel the hands that caught him as he fell.
There was nothing but cold, dark, silence.