Thank you, all of you, for your reviews. And thank you, to those two males that answered my question.
This story does have a plot (I only just figured part of it out), and it will most likely be..pointless. So...enjoy! A light, breezy, puffy-cloud, summer lovin fanfiction. From yours truly.
Please Note: I do not own the HP books, nor any of the characters except those I might choose to add. This is a humor fic, which means I may write things that make no sense, do not go along with the original plot (unless J.K decides Hermione and Snape should be together..among other things.)...And my muse is a jester.
Also- I've read so many fics, some of the things I use might be from them. If you find this happening I'm sorry.
This- vnvnvnvnvnvnvnvn-means the next scene, or a skip in the story. For some reason my computer won't let me do anything else. Rawr. It sucks big.
Summary:
Mr. and Mrs. Granger decide to get to know the wizarding world a little bit more. They hire a 'Muggle Consultant', finding themselves drawn into things a little more than they expected.
Let's pretend nothing having to do with Voldemort (he's hibernating..perhaps) happens in year six. Just for a few seconds. Now imagine...
Start story:
Mr. Ganger stared at his wife. In all their years of being married, he had never, ever seen something like this. It was..so highly unusual it made him practically delirious.
His wife-
was still alseep.
Even when she was pregnant she would be awake before him. Always doing something.
But now? Almost noon, with the bed clothes rolled around her like a cocoon. Hesitantly he nudged her shoulder. She groaned.
"Love?"
Groan.
"Love?"
Nudge.
Scream.
He jumped back. She sat up, her hair wild and slightly twisted around her neck. She growled. He walked forward slightly, his hand out.
She blinked.
"Good night."
She turned and buried herself back in the covers.
He sniffed.
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Snape.
He stared at the man before him, bemused.
"What did you say?"
"Married. Two days from now, bring your fiance."
The man shimmied and disappeared.
The look Severus wore was...demonic. He was beyond anger. Beyond disgust. It was his father's wish to keep him in excruciating pain until either of them died.
His father was remarrying.
Two days.
Granger.
He would have to bring the girl. No doubt her parents were also invited. He didn't go to weddings, he wouldn't go to his own if he had the choice. And now..Father, Granger's parents, Granger.
He downed his glass of whiskey.
Crud.
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Hermione.
She had avoided the great hall, choosing to spend the morning in the library. Studying the contract and...hiding. Harry and Ron had been looking for her.
She had cast a mind disregarding spell over herself, hoping it would hold.
She set the pile of books down. She figured that even if there wasn't a way out- she could find a way around some of the..specifics. She shuddered.
No doubt they would turn out geniuses.
She winced, pushing that thought away. She wouldn't do anything, say anything, or think anything that might jinx her hopes. She did not want to think about having kids with Snape.
She heard a loud thud and someone cursed. She sunk as low as she could in her chair.
"Shh. Ron.."
"Sorry."
Harry.
She closed her eyes. Go away, go away.
"Don't think she's here.."
"She has to be, we've searched everywhere else."
They were right behind her now. She could hear their steady breathing.
"Wonder what's wrong."
"I hate it when she does this."
"Yeah."
She frowned. When she did what? She peeked up. They were looking around, determined frowns upon both their faces. Harry sighed.
"We're not going to find her Ron."
A noise of protest.
"Course we will!"
"She doesn't want to be found."
"She could have been kidnapped!"
"Ron.."
"She could have!"
"Ron-"
"She could!"
"We saw her this morning!"
"Shhhhhh.."
Hermione smiled. She could always count on the librarians. They muttered a pair of sorrys and shuffled away. She let out a breath, relieved. Trust Harry to understand her.
Pfffffffft.
Abruptly she jumped.
"Oh my gosh.."
"Miss Hermione, good day!"
She stared at the house elf, her heart racing. The thing was a runt, she noticed. Smaller than Dobby by half.
"You scared me."
The elf bowed.
"Many apologies. Dumblydorf sent me. He say-Miss Hermione must meet me in my office with the Professor Snapes."
He bowed again.
She nodded, standing. She smoothed her robes, tucking her hair behind her ears.
"Lets go."
She left. The elf followed happily.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv...Dumbledor's office.
Hermione reached the spiraling staircase the same time her..fiance did. She nodded politely to him.
He ignored her.
"Chocolate Blueberries."
The grinding of stone against stone. They stepped on to the stairs.
She sighed.
How will we ever get along?
She suddenly had a vision,
she was choking on a piece of potato, and her husband ignored her. He didn't even look up from his book. A moment later she collapsed, her face in her soup. He suddenly says-
"Pass the butter."
She glared at her Professor.
He sneered at a cockroach, slamming his foot on it. A look of relish fluttered across his face at the crunching sound.
She grimaced.
The staircase doors opened, and they walked through. Snape held the door to Dumbledors office for her and she could feel his eyes on her.
Dumbledor looked up and smiled kindly.
She felt a large cube of ice slide down her stomach.
vnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Mr.Ganger.
Perhaps she was secretly drinking. Or maybe doing drugs. He remembered the time in college when they experimented with the test equipment. They hadn't left that room for hours.
Maybe she had become addicted?
Paul Granger turned to view his lovely wife turned mad.
"Troy!"
She yelled, brandishing an umbrella.
"For Troy!"
And she jumped off the bed, waving her weapon around, fighting imaginary enemies.
He sighed. At first it was little things, like insisting he buy rubbie duckies for hair. Then it gradually increased to smacking him on the head when he was dead alseep and yelling at him to wash his feet.
He rubbed a very sore spot on his head.
I've got to tell hermione.
He went to the Inn's nightstand and pulled out a sheet of paper.
Dear Hermione,
There's something you should know...
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Hermione.
She sighed. She knew it from the first time she thought against it. She had to marry Snape. She had to have babies with him. She had to go on dates, and sleep in his bed. All because of her mother and his father.
Professore Dumbledor had not been able to do anything.
The contract was legal as well as everything in it. If her mother had not set a date, then perhaps they might have waited thirty years to marry. But she had.
And now it was real.
She turned to look at him. The man she would give herself to.
His face was devoid of his usual emotion. In it's place was resignation. His eyes were closed and his fingers tapped against the arm rests of his chair.
He opened his eyes and looked at her.
"I suppose now is the correct time to tell you that the day after tomorrow is my father's wedding. You are required to attend on my arm, and to be known as my fiance."
She gasped.
He rolled his eyes.
"Did you not hear anything Albus was saying? You are going to be my wife."
"Severus.." Dumbledore warned quietly.
Snape glanced resentfully at the older man. Hermione wished she could hex the bitter man into oblivion. She was about to retort when her thoughts were interrupted by the forgotten house elf.
"Miss Hermione, please."
She glanced down at the little elf, he was pulling on her robes. His big brown eyes were as wide as saucers.
Snape's eyebrows rose.
"What is it?"
"Professor Snapes, sir, should be proud to have you as his wife! Non of us likes him, we all likes you. And we all likes you. No mean Snapey, we don't like him. You we likes you. You should come visit me more often. I'll get you all kinds of goodies like cookies and truffles and pies!"
Dumbledore coughed.
Hermione grinned. The little elf was right. He should be proud.
Just as I should.
Her grin disappeared. She turned to her professor, meeting his gaze.
"I am...proud to be your fiance."
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Day of Snape Sr.'s wedding. Ahck.
He stared angrily at his reflection in his bedroom mirror. He detested his formal robes. They clung to his frame more than his usual, and were trimmed with silk.
He wanted to rip them off and burn them.
Suck it up, Severus.
Robes were the least of his problems.
He sighed. He was the best man. Which meant standing at his father's side. Which meant watching the wedding kiss. Wich meant giving a toast. He had to kiss the new bride. He had to give gifts.
He had to dance.
Of all the things he would have to do, dancing was his bane. It wasn't that he couldn't dance. Of course he could dance. It would be a disgrace to his pureblood line if he couldn't. He had been trained in all popular dances along with the traditional, many unusual and foreign, and even the one his great-grandfather, Alleve Snape, created to prove to his wife he was artistic. He had been taught all the secret steps and flourishes that very few know of or care to learn.
Severus Snape could dance.
But he hated it. It was trivial and pointless. And he always got the annoying ones as his partner.
You'll have to dance with Granger.
He hesitated. He would, wouldn't he? She had probably read something on the subject of wizard dances. Hopefully she wouldn't do anything to embarrass him.
The wedding would start mid-afternoon and last till evening. He would have to take a draught to keep himself going.
He strode to his personal potion cabinet, carefully undoing enough wards so that he could reach in to grab a specialty. He paused as his fingers brushed the bottle.
Would Granger want one?
He widened his hand and curled his fingers around two bottles. He tucked them in a pocket and whispered the word that replaced the wards.
He took one last glance at himself in the mirror, smiled, grimaced, and left.
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv ...Hermione, sweet hermione.
She sat on her bed, breathing deeply. She was nervous. Her shoes felt too tight, her hair wasn't cooperating, she didn't know what to get for a gift.
Boy was she nervous.
The butterflies had seemed to grow and wind themselves around eachother until they were all knotted and gave new meaning to butterfly net.
She jumped at the sound of someone rapping on the door.
"Come in."
The person hesitated.
She raised her eyebrows.
The door creaked open. Two big ears, two big eyes, and a small nose peeped in.
"Miss Hermione?"
"Hello, Riu."
The house elf wobbled in.
"Miss Hermione, miss, I gots you some tea."
A tray appeared, perfectly balanced, on her bed. She sighed, breathing in the pleasant aroma.
"Thank you, I needed this."
She smiled down at the beaming elf. He had been doing special favors for her, spelling her towels to be nice and hot when she finished her bath, bringing tea to her in the library, and even turning away her two best friends when they came to question her.
"I knows what Miss needs, I knows what Miss needs."
And he disappeared.
She sipped her tea. She really should speak to them soon. She didn't know how much she should tell them...the whole? No.
She shook her head.
They wouldn't take nicely to the idea of Snape touching her and sharing her bed. Though she doubted they would take nicely to any of the news.
She felt something..unusual flare up inside her.
It was almost like..satisfaction.
She knew she had often been called the Bookworm Virgin by random people. Ron had sometimes called her that, when she was being particularly stubborn about something. He didn't know how much it had hurt her. Her own best friend.
Maybe she should tell them. Just to see Ron's reaction.
Hermione Granger was going to marry the dreaded Professor Snape,
and have sex with him.
She would not be a virgin for long. He could have her whenever he wanted-it was in the contact.
He is a Slytherin.
She shivered. Slytherins were known for their aptitude in the subject of pleasure. If he turned out to posses the prowess many did not, and decided to use it on her, she would not say no.
It was in the contract.
"Miss Granger."
She jumped. The man of her thoughts was standing in front of her, arms crossed. She looked up. He was wearing his dress robes, his hair combed back.
He wasn't handsome, but he wasn't ugly. His appearance was...arresting. He stood tall and haughty, waiting impatiently for her.
She swallowed.
"Sir."
"Let's go."
She nodded, standing and following him out.
vnvnvnvnv
They arrived in a deserted alley. It was large and clean, newly paved. She looked around, amused.
Fancy, one might call it.
Snape twitched her sleeve, she followed him to a plain cream-colored door. He knocked on it twice, sharp and demanding. The door opened smoothly, with nary a creak.
Fancy indeed.
Snape stood aside, motioning for her to enter first. She did so questioningly, wondering where he had taken her. A restaurant? Or perhaps her robes were not up to standards and he wanted to buy her more desirable ones?
Her question was answered when they entered a medium-sized room full of display cases. Her eyes widened. It was beautiful!
The lighting was muted, and soft music drifted over from a concealed corner. The jewels in the cases sparkled and called to her with their beauty.
A small, pudgy man hurried to them, leaving his task of polishing a large ring undone. He smoothed his robes and thinning hair, smiling covetously.
"Mr. Snape! Welcome, I'm honored to receive you and your..ah, friend?"
His eyes roamed her face, searching for her connection with the man beside her. She glanced up at Snape. His face had darkened, he clearly disliked the man.
Just as she decided to answer the man herself, he spoke-
"Are we alone?"
"What? Ah-yes, yes. Alone. No one else here, hah. "
Snape quickly scanned the room, and satisfied, leaned close to the man. He spoke quietly, his face hardening. The man's eyes widened and he nodded.
Then he turned and smiled brightly at Hermione.
"Do you know your size?"
She blinked.
Did he mean her wand size, or her dress size?...Shoe size...? Or maybe he meant her neck size. Why was he asking for her size at all?
Snape rolled his eyes.
"Your ring size."
Oh. She glanced at her hands. They were ink stained and pale. She hadn't spent much time outdoors. She let them drop.
"My mother is a six."
The man nodded, and plucked her hand from her side and eagerly examined it. His bushy eyebrows flew up, down and wiggled around.
"You should also be a six. But to be sure-"
He pulled out a short, chubby, stubby wand. He flicked it sharply, a stream of pink and white ribbon streamed out, wrapping around her ring finger.
"Yes!"
He slapped her hand affectionately. She pulled it back like a wounded dog, this man was strange. He hummed as he went around a counter and faced a wall. His eyes squinted and he puffed out his cheeks.
She followed Snape to the counter, watching the man curiously.
He was tapping different parts of the wall with his wand, grunting and sighing as nothing seemed to happen. He looked over his shoulder at them.
"You weren't wanting a new one?"
Snape stared coldly at the man.
He wimpered and turned back to the wall. He tapped it some more, going deep into thought. Suddenly he aha'd and tapped a few times in a dark shady corner. A piece of the wall shot out, quickly transforming into a drawer-like compartment.
The man smiled smugly at them, standing aside and motioning for Snape to take his place.
She felt him move beside her.
He walked to it, drawing his wand. He whispered a few words below his breath, just as her's caught in her chest. There was several clicks and a small pop, he lifted the long stretch of wood (wood was better for preserving spells), she leaned forward. Velvet and silk covered boxes rested beneath, hinting at treasures she might one day own.
No woman could resist jewelry.
She watched his fingers reach in, obviously familiar with their surroundings. They pushed aside several boxes, and wrapped themselves around a small faded blue box.
He turned and faced her. He held the box out, she hesitated.
Oh..
He sighed and wagged the box in front of her nose. She took it, slowly prying the top off.
It was gorgeous.
White gold with swirls engraved. The stones were amber and diamonds, shimmering madly. She wanted it, oh how she wanted it. She had never owned anything that could compare.
...OH...
She looked up at him, smiling happily.
Something in his face flashed and was gone. If it weren't for his softened eyes, she would have been convinced there had been no change at all.
She held it out to him, determined that he would take it from her.
"You don't want it."
He stated plainly, no questioning. She shook her head, blushing. Her eyes fell to the floor.
"I want you to put it on me."
Silence.
His gently took the box from her, hooked his finger around the ring and pulled it out. She looked up, her breath shallow. He pulled her hand gently forward, till it was little more than a foot from his chest.
His eyes darkened.
Perhaps there will be something between us after all.
The ring slid onto her finger, a perfect fit.
vnvnvnvnvnvnvnv
Well. I was going to continue into the wedding but since the words stopped flowing, I figured it might help to end the chapter. So next time I come to write, the page is fresh.
Review, and I thank you!