I know what you're thinking, "Why is taking so long to update?" It's because I've been oil painting. It's a painting of the Joker heckling Batman. Joker is holding up his two index figures in Batman's face to show a tiny set of handcuffs between his fingers. The panel I want to put with it is, "Ah ah ah Batsy, you can't hit a guy in handcuffs!" Batman doesn't get the joke, as usual.
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"Parking $10, hope we didn't break Arkham's investment funds!" The Joker said giggling in his seat.
"If I was doing this for money, you would have." Batman mumbled.
Somehow the Joker was finding ways to slip out of the hand restraints so Batman had to tie him up with the seatbelt. The result was a tangled mess that even the Riddler would have trouble sorting through.
"I say the longer we stay out of Arkham, the better. So let's take our time seeing the stupid fish." Harvey rasped.
" I agree. The last fish I saw in Arkham were those disgusting fish sticks. I'd do anything to take those images out of my mind." Scarecrow replied.
Batman drove the van up to the man collecting money to park, ignoring the ungrateful comments of the inmates inside.
"Ten dollars plea-"
"-We've all been kidnapped!" Screamed the seatbelt bound Joker.
The parking attendants eyes went wide as Batman effortlessly gripped the Jokers throat.
"S-sir I'm g-going to call security…" The attendant stuttered farther intimidated by a man in a bat suit.
"That won't be necessary. Here's your ten dollars." Batman said handing the attendant the money with his free hand.
The Joker was always smiling, but Batman could tell the clown was fighting for air. The Riddler ignored all around him; he was desperate to solve the rest of a crossword puzzle before it was time to get out of the van. Crane was staring off in space, no doubt piecing together a lecture about fear in his head to an imaginary, impressed audience. Finally, Batman let go of the Jokers throat as he parked the car. A few sputtering coughs and deep breaths later, the Joker was completely normal as he could be again.
"You know Bats, you've been flying off the handle lately. I believe you have an anger management problem." The Joker said as Batman opened his car door.
"You're giving me a psychiatric analysis?" Batman scoffed slamming his door.
"Hey bird-boy, how about getting me out of this seatbelt labyrinth?" Joker asked Robin with a massive grin.
"I'll pass." Robin said avoiding the Jokers eyesore of a smile.
The side door of the van slid open with a bang, causing the Riddler to drop his pen once more.
"I have three more words, just three." The Riddler complained. "Just let me finish three-"
"The puzzle will be here when we come back, Riddler!" Harvey scowled. He was very unhappy that he had to sit next to Nygma, and made a mental note to request sitting next to Scarecrow on the way back. Crane was much quieter in Harvey's opinion and didn't chuckle or mumble answers to stupid questions for hours on end.
"My advice to you all is not to make any sudden movements once we've unbound you." Batman grumbled. "You're all to line up to the next parking space line."
"A boy scout like you would force us to line up on our day off." The Joker said.
"Shut up Joker." Batman scowled. He was tired already of Joker's side comments and his constant need to annoy.
"What's a matter Batboob? Didn't get the 'hero of the year' merit badge?" Joker said trying to press Batman's buttons.
Batman was put in a highly difficult circumstance. Under normal conditions, Batman would have just beat Joker senseless, but he didn't think Arkham would appreciate that. (Or the state for that matter.) Batman and Robin exchanged a look of thinning patience, but understanding that they must endure.
"Please don't push that stupid button and punish us all for his loud mouth!" Crane said interpreting Robin and Batman's glance as a signal to electrify Joker.
"No kidding, I've done nothing wrong on this trip and I still got shocked." Harvey replied giving Robin a look of loathing. "The injustice of it all is staggering."
"Oh like you've never deserved it." Robin mumbled while he loosened the Scarecrows restraints.
Crane's long, skinny frame climbed out of the van first under Batman's watchful eye.
"I've solved the puzzle!" The Riddler said staring at his book. He then cried out in anguish, "But it's just not as satisfying seeing the blanks in the book. I can't reach my pen. Harvey, it's under your seat, kick it towards me."
"Sorry, can't make any sudden moves Nygma." Harvey said smirking as Robin unbuckled his feet. "Who knows, I might even get shocked- you know, for not doing anything wrong."
"Don't be ridiculous." The Riddler groaned, knowing that he was never going to finish the puzzle in writing.
"Out of the van Nygma." Batman said as Riddler had finally been unbuckled. "Forget about the puzzle and pen."
The Riddler sulked but eventually got out to join the others in line. Crane was twiddling his thumbs, looking lost in thought again. Harvey kept looking at his right hand, probably where he used to typically carry a watch.
"MOMMY AHHHHHH!" A tiny voice shouted in a screech. Batman turned his head to see a five-year-old three yards away pointing to the passenger's seat of the van where the Joker was tangled up. His mother grabbed his hand tightly and fast walked past the crowd of freaks.
Batman realized why the kid screamed. Pressed dramatically against the glass of the windshield of the van was Jokers sadistic smile, his laughing fogged the glass slightly giving off a crazed look. Perhaps what was most alarming was he happened to be following the child with his eyes. Batman had had enough, with untamed anger, he wrenched open the van door.
"Can't you act remotely subhuman for just two minutes!?" Batman barked, his teeth clenched.
"Tsk, tsk, not in front of the boy, darling." Joker chuckled nudging his head towards Robin.
Batman tried to calm down, realizing the Joker was getting a kick out of his upset. Still angry, but considerably calmer, Batman grabbed the Joker by his straightjacket.
"You seem to be slipping out of your jacket, darling." Batman growled in a dangerous whisper.
"Slipping?" Joker questioned trying to depict the nature of the sentence.
With one swift yank, Batman grabbed the strap between the Jokers thighs and tightened it to the tightest setting. The Joker sucked in a mouthful of air in surprise and pain. His eyes widened and any thought of a quick comeback were dashed.
"It must have been all your unnecessary moving that loosened it." Batman said taking advantage of the Jokers shocked state as he sorted out the tangled seatbelt effortlessly. "Now stand over on the line." He said pushing the Joker towards the others, not bothering to question the Jokers mobility.
In bitter defeat, the Joker dragged his feet comically, hunching over, his smile gone from his face.
"I'll kill you Batface." The Joker thought grimly.
"Now that you're all lined up, I'm going to tell you the rules. Pay attention." Batman said to the four inmates. He walked across their path, much like military style. " Robin and I are going to split you up in two's."
Robin's eyes went wide; he didn't know Bruce was actually going to hold him responsible for any of the inmates. In a way, it sort of excited but terrified him at the same time.
"Joker and Nygma, you're with me." Said Batman pointing to them.
"Ohthankgod." Harvey mumbled, happy to get away from the Riddler.
"What's that supposed to mean?" The Riddler scowled at Harvey.
"Quiet, both of you. Dent and Crane, don't think I won't be able to come after you if there's a problem. Because I will." Batman said, using his height and voice as an intimidation factor.
"He would make an excellent specimen for a lecture. Too bad he's a bully." Crane whispered.
"Who are you talking to?" Harvey asked Crane annoyed.
Robin rubbed his temples and vaguely wondered if Two-Face got along with anyone.
"The exhibit is in a circle, and the eating area is in the center." Batman explained to Robin while he showed him a map. "We'll run into each other half-way through the exhibit and meet up at the end. We'll stop for a meal when we meet the first time. Got it?"
"No problem Batman." Robin said his confidence now overthrowing his nervousness.
"Ha, ha, ha! You get to be babysat by the kid!" The Joker heckled laughing at Two-Face and the Scarecrow. It seemed his good humor had returned.
"Ha, ha, ha, you get to have Batman breathing down your neck." Two-Face retorted, but with much less childish tone of voice.
"Shut up, both you." Batman ordered. "We're moving out single file, right now, towards the tickets office. Come on, move."
Batman ignored all the stares and pointing. He knew they must have looked ridiculous and completely out of place. It didn't help that the Joker was in a straightjacket, and Harvey with is normal two-faced appearance. Still, they managed to get inside the aquarium undisturbed and unquestioned.
"You go left Robin, I'll go right." Batman said.
"We get to see the man eating sharks before you!" The Joker shouted at Robin as they walked away.
"They're not man eating, and I thought I told you to be quiet." Batman said emotionlessly.
"Cheer up Bat-brain, what good is it being on the outside if you can't have any fun?"
"Can't you come up with any new names to call me?" Batman asked, pushing Riddler and Joker to the first tank.
"We have many names for you Batty, but we just whisper them."
"Just look at the fish." Batman said hating himself for walking into that one.
"Touché."
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"Silver Arowanas are known to be quite skittish as far as fish go. They get scared-"
"My boy, I'm a professor. You don't have to read out loud for me." Crane grumbled crossing his arms.
"Me neither." Harvey said flipping his coin. "I'm fully aware of how the English language works written down."
"Sheesh. You know, you can be a little more grateful. If it wasn't for that stupid state worker you'd be in Arkham Asylum doing whatever you do about now." Robin snapped.
"You mean sleeping? I could use a little shut-eye after that horrendous car ride." Harvey scowled.
"Just look at the fish." Robin grumbled.
Crane nudged Harvey in the arm, trying to get his attention.
"Let's kill the boy and then we'll kill Batman." Crane suggested in a breathless whisper.
"Don't have to tell me twice." Harvey said, flipping his coin, which landed scratched side up.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"Boorrring." The Joker said obnoxiously after he had looked at three tanks full of African fish. "Just look at their faces, totally humorless. My fish looked a lot better."
"Let's go see the sharks." The Riddler said sharing the same opinion as Joker.
"We're looking at the whole exhibit, show a little self-control for once." Batman said slowly moving on to the next tank.
"They all look alike. Just some are smaller and have stripish, color things." Joker said sneering at a little stripe colored fish. "This is worse than Arkham, at least you could flip through the inkblots as fast as you wanted."
Batman clenched his jaw, fighting back the wave of intolerance that threatened to break free.
"You're not in control here, I call the shots." Batman said forcing both the inmates to look at one tank extra long out of spite.
"Bossy, isn't he?" Joker said elbowing Riddler in the ribs. Joker dropped his voice to a whisper, "Let's kill him, and his little bird too."
"What was that Joker?" Batman asked, being not four inches away in back of the clown.
"I said 'this fish is especially dull', just like this whole trip." Joker said. "Jeez, you'd think you'd learned what personal space was. Give a brotha' some space."
"If you say one more word about how dull this trip is I'll start making this trip more interesting using my fist in your face. Understand?"
"I've just thought of an impossible riddle! Even you, Batman, won't be able to solve it!" The Riddler crackled.
"Is the answer fish?" Batman asked half-heartedly.
"Damn it!" Riddler cursed pounding his fists on the glass.
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"And over here you can see that the shark is not in fact the monster it is depicted as, but a powerful fish." A tour guide lady smiled as she pointed to the big tank.
"Easy for you to say, look what one did to my face!" Harvey shouted above the crowd.
"…Umm…." The lady gulped nervously as she stared in horror at Harvey's gruesome half. The crowd was murmuring in a frightened frenzy. "T-the shark is generally peaceful until provoked, but otherwise very p-peaceful."
Robin frowned, and apologized to the crowd for Harvey's disturbance. As he was trying to calm the crowd, Scarecrow and Two-Face found their chance.
" Don't worry folks, he didn't get that in a shark attack." Robin explained. "You know, you guys are getting me in a lot of…crap."
Scarecrow and Two-Face had ran into the seahorse exhibit which had very dark, dim lights.
"Did you steal the panel Crane?" Harvey asked.
"Er- no, I couldn't. Didn't have the chance." Scarecrow replied.
"Ugh, I told you to snatch it so we don't get electrocuted." Harvey growled.
"It's not like it matters. Most of the shocks go to the Riddler anyway. Besides, we can remove the shockers now that Batman's partner isn't around to bully us." Crane said.
"No, we can't, because they automatically shock us when we try to remove them, remember? There's a certain way to remove them, and I'm positive you don't know how." Harvey said.
"Well we're not getting shocked now, so let's get on with the plan before they find us." Scarecrow said.
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"Batman! I turned my head for one second and they're now loose somewhere!" Robin's voice boomed on Batman's communicator. (Sounds like a Star Trek thing, right?)
"Good help is sooo hard to find these days, eh Bats?" The Joker said; he then burst out in laughter, causing a lot of people to quickly avoid their general area.
"Quiet Jo- WHERE'S NYGMA!?" Batman shouted. He only half believed how terrible this whole trip was. Arkham owed him and the society of earth a big favor.
"Can you believe he actually wanted to see more of those dumb fish?" The Joker said with a big, insane grin.
"No." Batman said grabbing the Joker by the front of his straightjacket. "I can't."
"Well, learning is the language of the educated!" Joker chuckled.
"Where is he?" Batman growled, his nose almost touching the Jokers. People around were starting to panic. Rumors were spreading that fugitives were loose in the building.
"Heavens to Batsy, how should I know? But cheer up darling; you can bet ol' nerdy gurdy will send you a trail of riddles, wherever he is." Joker added thoughtfully.
"You better hope he comes quietly, for your sake." Batman said dragging the Joker behind him as security guards ushered the citizens out of the building.
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"Watch out Batman, you're on candid camera! Ha ha hee hoo hoo!" Crane giggled madly as Harvey and him made their way to the control room. "Say Dent, how did you know where this place was anyway?"
Harvey rolled his eyes at his partner's unprofessional approach.
"I told you, I didn't. I flipped the coin." Two-Face growled.
"Mmm." Scarecrow muttered, it seemed like an impossible stroke of luck, and he refused to think that a wishy-washy coin could logically reveal their planned destination.
The door was labeled 'control room', much to their amusement.
"Security, open up!" Crane shouted, knocking on the door.
"Hold up man, there's freaks on the loose." Came a young voice inside. The sound of him unlocking the door was heard, "Thank goodness you're here, and there's one on the west en-"
"And two right here!" Harvey shouted as he punched the kid in the face. The young kid cried out in surprise before hitting the floor, knocking himself unconscious.
"What a punch over." Crane couldn't help joke. "You should have seen his face. Looked like my fear gas hit him."
"Sure." Harvey snapped. "Lets get focused. First thing- what are you doing!?"
Scarecrow was dragging the teenager out of the room and had stopped at Two-Face's protest.
"Uh, getting the kid out of here?"
"We need a hostage. Don't you remember the plan at all!" Two-Face scowled.
"You said we were taking Robin hostage, not this dumb kid."
"Do you see the Bat-Brat here?"
"No but-"
"Well then drag him in here quickly and close the door!" Harvey demanded.
"You know," Scarecrow growled, "You wouldn't be half so bossy if you had a taste of my fear gas."
"Listen Professor, we can fight later, let's just focus on killing Batman." Harvey said flipping his coin. It had landed scarred side down, which meant Crane wasn't going to get kicked out of the room.
"Whatever." Scarecrow moodily responded. After dragging the teenager back into the room and locking the door, he turned his attention towards the cameras.
"Is that Nygma?" Crane wondered out loud.
"What the devil is he doing?" Two-Face asked.
"Looks like he's having an epileptic fit." Crane said rubbing his chin. "Bird-brat must be pressing those buttons pretty hard."
"Poor loser." Harvey said with a smirk. "Oh look, he seems to have stopped convulsing."
"Batman's over here on the East end, looks like Joker is the only one of us who hasn't escaped. Humph, imagine that."
"That must drive him crazy. Excuse the pun."
"Hey look, a microphone." Crane said smiling. "Things are going our way!"
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Authors Note: I know I promised violence, gore, death, sneakiness, wealth, raining men, and the pursuit of happiness, but I just couldn't fit it in this chapter. It's getting so long, I decided if I wrote any more, no one would read it. I'm not even sure I would read it.
In the next chapter, plans will form. Skills be tested. People will die, and Joker of course, will escape the tight grip of Batman!