Hey Everyone!
It's your absotively-posolutely favorite Kender speaking, and I'm here to introduce another episode of...
KRYNNISH IDOL!
Hehe...You won't believe who our guest is tonight...but I won't give it away...not yet at least...let's check on the Judges.
(Tas's camera shakily zooms in on Goldmoon, who is currently fixing her hair...then the camera zooms out again to focus on Krynn's most cynical Mage, Raistlin Majere.)
Tas: "Hey Raistlin! Got any shout outs?"
Raistlin: "The only one who's going to be doing any shouting is you Kender, as soon as I can shove that lense up your-
Authoress: "RAISTLIN! THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING!"
(A brief struggle ensues, in which the Authoress tries to save Tas, and the camera from Raistlin.)
Tas: "Lemme go! Lemme go!"
Raistlin: "You BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP Kender! BLEEP BLEEP"
Authoress: "CUT IT OUT! THE SHOW IS STARTING!"
(The curtains open, to show the three people in an interesting position, Raistlin on top of the Author, with poor Tasselhoff mashed underneath.)
Authoress: "Raistlin, YOU MIND!"
Raistlin: "I'm sorry! But if you had just let me get my hands on that BLEEP BLEEP Kender, I would not be on top of you right now! And furthermore, if you had worn pants, instead of a dress, the audience and I would not be subjected to the horror of your pink bikini underwear!"
Authoress: "THAT'S IT!"
(Tas, now back on his feet aims his camera at Raistlin and the Author, who now seem to be trying to kill one another.)
Tas: "Yes, yes! That's it! Slap him! Raistlin! Gimme some feeling! Ow! That had to hurt, yes! Yes! She kicked him! Omg! This footage will be great for my show I'm planning...But I need a name...hmmmm.. "Days of my lives"? Or.. "The Young and the Hopeless"? Or, "As the Orb Turns"?
(At this point, the Raistlin finally cries Uncle and the Authoress unpins his arm from behind his back.)
Authoress: (Breathing heavily) "Now, pant pant, I want you to apologize, and tell me that I looked damn good in that shade of pink."
Raistlin: "Nev- OW! Alright, alright. You look good in pink."
Authoress: "I can't hear you!"
Raistlin: "Cough, Cough, You look stunning in that color! Now will you please remove you foot from where it is currently residing? Cough."
Authoress: "Thank you. I promised I wouldn't bash you too much Raistlin, besides with this next guest you had better be in one piece or she might kill me.
Raistlin: "What do you mean?"
Authoress: (Grinning Evilly) "That's for me to know and you to find out lover boy, hehe."
Raistlin sits down, looking verrrry nervous.
Goldmoon: "About time you showed up."
Theros: "Omg! Her undies were pink? I love pink! I'll have to ask her where she does her shopping!"
Raistlin: "I thought that we had stopped drugging you Theros...oh well, we never did test to see if the effects were permanent."
Tas: EXCUSE ME!
Everyone: "SORRY!"
Tas: "Good. It is now my great pleasure to introduce our next guest...
CRYSANIA OF TARINUS!
(Out walks Paladine's daughter, er, so to speak in all her glory. I SAID GLORY!)
Crysania: "You forgot my full title Kender, though being a daughter of light I will let that slip."
Tas: "Um, okay. Uh, What will you be singing?"
Crysania: "This is where I have a problem...I was going to sing "Like A Prayer" but I have another song I'd like to sing instead, and well.. hehe let's just say it's not something a Cleric would usually sing...hehe."
Tas: "Well, Let's hear it anyway, I'm sure Fizban won't mind, he had a lot of trouble coming up with his song, he kept forgetting the lyrics."
Crysania: "Alright, I'd like to dedicate this song to my ain true love, Raistlin Majere."
(And for once, up in the Judges stand, our Mage is silent.)
(Okay, okay, quivering in fear is more like it..)
(Okay! Fine! He's having a nervous breakdown, ya happy?)
"Your love is a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin' me in your promises, better left unsaid.
You're the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be..
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Love taker
Don't you mess around with me!
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Love taker
Don't you mess around-no no no!
Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin' out of control
You taught me the ways of desire, now it's taking it's toll
You're the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be..
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Love taker
Don't you mess around with me!
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Love taker
Don't you mess around with me!
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Love taker
Don't you mess around with me!
You're a Heartbreaker,
Dream maker, Lovetaker
Heartbreaker!"
(But then, the music dies away, another sound can be heard. Crying.)
Theros: Omg! Boo-hoo! That was the saddest song I've ever heard! Sniffle-Goldmoon, be a doll, hand me the box of kleenex! Thank you! sneezes loudly Boo-hoo-hoo!"
Crysania: "I'm waiting Raistlin. I know you, so just rip me apart again, tell me my singing was the worst thing you've ever heard, that I can't sing, that the song was terrible and to go away. Go ahead! Say it!"
Raistlin: "But, if I were to say that Crysania, I would be lying."
Crysania: "What?"
Raistlin: "From the first day I met you, I thought that you were strong, and you are. Coming here, prepared for me to laugh you off the stage, or whatever else you imagined me doing. But I admire that, and I think that you are the most bea-
Authoress: "Guys, this is a spoof of American Idol! Not "A Love Story"! Will you please cut it out and stay in your correct characters!"
Raistlin and Crysania: "Sorry."
Raistlin: (glances at script.) "Alright, that was terrible, your voice could break glass, you sounded like a nanny goat...blah blah blah (looks angrily at the Authoress) I can't believe you wrote all that down!"
Authoress: "Shut up Raistlin, alright Crysania, this is your cue to A. Start Crying and Run offstage, or B. Tell him off and then run off with Valin, the animal trainer."
Crysania: "Can I choose A.?"
Authoress: "Just do it!"
Crysania: (in a fake wailing voice) "Oh Raistlin! How could you say all those mean things! Sob, sob, wahh! I'm feeling soooooooooooo sorry for myself, I'm going to my trailor...alllll alone...and I'm going to fill the tub with chocolate sauce! Sob, sob, and if you were a nice guy, except you aren't, I think, you would come over in just your robe and try to comfort me!"
Raistlin: (trying to keep his tongue intact) "Your right Cyrsania, I'm not a nice guy, but...(looks at the audience) If I don't go and apologize everyone will say I'm a bitter, cruel hearted, bastard. So, (whispers) I'll be there in 5."
Authoress: "I think that's the best I'll get out of them. Sigh."
Goldmoon: "Theros, did you notice we were hardly in this chapter? Theros?"
Theros: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Authoress: "He FELL ASLEEP! I'm sooo ruined! It was sooo boring! Even the judge fell asleep! Wah!"
Tas: "Hey, uh, I guess the show is over, I mean the judges didn't exactly evaluate Crysania, but she's gone and so is Raistlin...um oh! I almost forgot, I've got Dalamar on Line 1, says he wants to know if Goldmoon has any experience with ear surgery.
Goldmoon: "I knew it! He went deaf from all the fangirl screaming!"
Tas: "No, something about his ear being stretched out of shape."
Goldmoon: "Well just because I haven't any experience dealing with that, doesn't mean I can't take a shot at it, I mean, who knows if this works maybe I can go into Cosmetic surgery!"
Tas: "Dalamar? You still there? Yes, she's on her way, just don't tug at it or anything...I heard that Legolas's ear actually fell off after something like this happened to him. Yeah, he tugged on it."
Authoress: "Looks like I'll have to close out tonight's show. Well, same old, same old, except (looks around nervously) I feeeeel soooo stupid. I never did any disclaimers! So here they are in order.
I do not own the song "Too Sexy or whatever it's called".
I do not own the song "These boots were made for walking" By Nancy Sinatra.
I do not own "Crawling" by Linkin Park.
Nor, do I own "Heartbreaker" By Pat Benatar. (But I wish I did!)
I DECLARE THIS OFFICIALLY DISCLAIMED!
Anyways, RR folks!
Tas: "Is she gone? Hehehe good...I have the official list...and as a little hint, this next contestant on the show has trouble making up his mind...hehehe."