Author's Note: I like this new Linkin Park song from their new CD Meteora. I think its called 'Breaking the Habit'. (Me no own Linkin Park songs!) But it just reminded me of the loveable Tomo! This can get freaky………beware! Me no own Fushigi Yugi! I made up a bit of what I thought Tomo's past would be like. In this fic………yeah, Tomo's trying to kill himself.

Breaking the Habit

Tomo walked down the darkened corridor that led to the bedchambers of the Kuto palace. Tomo's face stung where Nakago had hit him several times for fouling up his mission. Tomo's face paint was smeared horribly, but he didn't dare touch it. Instead of fighting Nakago like he usually would to get out of punishments, he took it. One blow after another until finally, lip cut and bleeding and eye slightly swollen, he bowed in submission. That was a full six hours ago.

Now, night had fallen and the Seiryu seishi had retired to their bedchambers. Tomo was the only one awake at this ungodly hour. He padded the hallway softly as he recalled the day's events. He had failed in killing Suzaku no Miko and her seishi, which was the big thing. Then being punished harshly by Nakago, that was big, too. Then there were the little annoyances of the day that just added to Tomo's despondent mood.

"Too many to name," Tomo thought bitterly as he continued his walk to his bedroom.

As he walked, he passed by several of his fellow warriors' rooms. Nakago's being one of them. As he passed it, he heard stifled moaning coming from within the room. He froze in horror and disgust. He gently pressed his ear to the door.

"Nakago………!" a woman called out breathlessly. It was Soi. Not like this was different from any other night, but tonight was especially difficult for Tomo to take this. "That queer couldn't pleasure you like I do, could he Nakago?" Soi asked sultrily.

"Please Soi, now is not the time to mention him. I fear I may lose interest in this all together," Nakago laughed gently.

"Yes, my love, I won't talk about the painted freak," Soi said softly before moaning again. Tomo shut his eyes and let go of a shuddering breath. His so-called 'nickname' that Soi had given him echoed in his ears. Painted freak, painted freak…Tomo's lip curled into a livid sneer as he pounded on the bedroom door.

"Enter!" Nakago's voice boomed in the night. Tomo opened the door, stunned as the two seishi still continued in their evening activity despite the fact that he was standing in the doorway.

"Please! For my sake, show some damn modesty!" Tomo hissed. He covered his eyes with his hands, "Nakago may I speak to you?" he asked.

"It will wait until morning, Tomo," Nakago ordered. Soi turned her head.

"Go to sleep, you queer. Your presence is disturbing us," Soi snickered. Tomo's eyes flashed dangerously.

"Fine," he said, "I'll leave..." he whispered under strangled sob. He closed the door quietly and ran down to his bedroom, his slippered feet making sharp pats down the carpeted hallway. Nakago sat up.

"What's wrong?" Soi asked. Nakago's crystal blue eyes had iced over with a mixture of fear and guilt. Nakago pushed Soi off of his chest and began to dress himself. Soi sat in the middle of the bed, pouting at Nakago dejectedly long after he had left the bedroom to go find Tomo.

"Another lonely night. Another night without anyone who cares…" Tomo hissed inside his head as he removed his makeup. Tears slipped off his cheeks and hit the cold stone floor with a hollow 'plip'.


Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

"They're torturing me here just like the boys in the troupe did." Tomo recalled his 'childhood' in the opera troupe. How he was beaten and raped almost every night. The older boys would always tease him about his fragile build and love for the opera, basically anything that was abnormal about him. Then when they found out he was gay; they really began having fun with him. Each one would joke about liking him. They'd say, "Chuin, you're so cute………will you be my boyfriend?" And they'd laugh. Tomo could still hear their mocking laughter in his ears. He bit his lip in an effort to control the sobs wracking his body. As his sobs grew more violent so did the voice. "I need…I need to just…just disappear!"


I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

Tomo reached in his vanity drawer and pulled out a knife. The same knife he had used since he was younger. He placed it over his left wrist. He looked over all the scars that he had made over the years. He sneered at the sight of them, tears still continuing to cascade down his cheeks. Tomo placed the blade down and pressed into his skin, then gently slid the blade across it. He shook with rage and misery; the tremors occasionally causing him to lose hold on the knife and drop it on the floor with a loud clang.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not all right

So I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

"They all hate me…they only use me for who I am. The celestial warrior of Seiryu: Tomo," Tomo thought bitterly. Tomo removed the blade and began to cut Nakago's character into his arm. He watched the blood drip off his skin and make small puddles on the floor. His tears began to mix in with them. Suddenly, a fist began pounding on the door.

"Tomo, you had better open this door right now!" It was Nakago.

"N-Nakago-sama!" Tomo panicked. The door handle began to turn. Tomo reached into his open drawer and fumbled with a box he kept his room key in. The door began to open "No," Tomo gasped as he jumped up and pressed his back against the door.

"Damn you, Tomo! Let me in!" Nakago's powerful voice ordered. Tomo shook his head and slipped the key into the door with tragic reluctance, his golden eyes staring blankly into the darkness of his room. He turned the key and locked the door. He held the knife to his chest and panted, relief and adrenaline flowing throughout his body.

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

"Forgive me, Nakago-sama," Tomo whispered through the door. He finished cutting Nakago's symbol into his arm. He watched the blood form little beads on his skin for a while before going at his other wrist.

"If you want to be forgiven open the fucking door and let me in!" Nakago shouted, slightly afraid that he was about to lose one of his more powerful seishi. There was no answer, no sound of any life, no sound of a key being put into a lock and turned, nothing. Absolute and complete silence. To the shogun, no sound had ever been so horrific. He pressed his ear to the door and held his breath. "If that fag killed himself I swear on Seiryu I'll…" he thought vehemently. But he stopped himself mid-thought. Fag? Was that word really synonymous with the name 'Tomo?' Is that why one of the most powerful Seiryu seishi was holed up in his room, bleeding? Because the object of his affections thought of him as nothing but a worthless fag? Nakago bit his bottom lip and furrowed his brows. It would be his fault if Tomo died………his fault. Nakago pressed his ear into the door so hard that he was sure if he lifted his head there would be an indentation of where his ear had been. He held his breath so as not to interfere with any faint sound of life that was coming through.

Sure enough, the blonde shogun heard a noise of life. He heard shaky breathing and sputtering coughs coming from inside Tomo's room. Nakago exhaled sharply and kept listening. There was one other sound being made. It sounded like a brush on parchment. Nakago shook his head. "TOMO! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" he shouted loudly. Nakago tried to think of a way to get into the room. His head spun with ideas; this was a matter of life and death, he had to think quickly! While in his fury of thoughts, Nakago spied a hairpin on the floor. He picked it up and smirked. He shoved it into the lock and began to pick it.

Tomo jumped at the sound of the hairpin in his lock.

"Come on…just a few more seconds…that's all I…all I need!" Tomo thought with a mixture of bitterness and desperation. Tomo's tears came now in torrents of rage as he wrote the characters of his farewell letter on the wall by his bed. He dipped the brush back into the cut in his wrists and continued writing.

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

Nakago's voice was now nothing more than a faint whisper in Tomo's ear as he continued to write. With one last stroke of the brush, Tomo finished the letter.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be all right

So I'm breaking the habit

"He deserves this…they all do," Tomo's mind buzzed. Tomo began to feel empty and light-headed.

"Goodbye…Nakago-sama," he whispered before falling limp on the bed.

Nakago finally finished picking the lock and kicked the door open with a bang. He looked around the room. He saw Tomo lying on the bed with his eyes shut; his skin was already paling. Nakago panicked.

"Don't you dare die, Tomo, don't you dare!" he muttered fiercely under his breath. He took a step and his foot was soon covered in Tomo's blood. He looked in horror and shock at the puddles staining the floor of Tomo's bedchamber. Once at Tomo's bedside Nakago read the characters that were scrawled in blood on the wall.

Nakago-
I'm sorry I did this…but everyone's a lot better off without me. I was just a tool to you…and the fact that you never saw me as a person was enough to drive me to…such extreme measures. You never respected Ruo Chuin; the only person you respected was the illusionary master, Tomo! All I was to you all was the painted freak with no feelings, just power. I did have feelings. Many of which were for you. But I was overlooked and used. I loved you, Nakago. But I guess it's too late for you to say you're sorry. I wish you and Soi all the best.

Finally Where I Belong,
Tomo

Nakago's eyes scanned the seishi's body. He looked at the cuts, two of which were his symbol. He picked up the delicate hands, stained with blood, and turned them over, looking at what little blood remained flowing out of the cuts on Tomo's wrists. The shogun felt a burning sensation in his eyes and a lump rise to his throat. A shimmering silver tear slipped out and landed on the illusionist's cheek. Nakago then did something he would never think to do. He picked Tomo's limp body off the bed and hugged it to his chest, staring blankly at a wall. Tomo's letter had effected him horribly well and he knew that everything in that was said in theletter was true. The shogun's body shook with some unnamed emotion until he felt something stir beneath him. Nakago looked down as Tomo's eyes fluttered open.

"N-Nakago-sama…" he gasped. Nakago's blue eyes met Tomo's dull gold ones.

"I'm sorry, Tomo," was all the shogun whispered. Tomo smiled pristinely, "I'll go get someone to take care of you," Nakago said as he began to place Tomo back on the bed. But Tomo's elegant hand reached out and grabbed Nakago's sleeve.

"…No," Tomo whispered. Nakago's eyes widened.

"What?" he asked incredulously. Tomo coughed violently, flecks of blood staining his lips. It was then Nakago noticed that there was a knife in Tomo's side. "Tomo!"

"It's entirely too late for you to start caring, Nakago-sama," Tomo said smiling. His smile was supposed to sweeten his bitter words, but the shogun experienced their full potency. His jaw dropped and Tomo's grip on his sleeve tightened. "Honor the request of a dying man," Tomo hissed before pulling Nakago down to the floor, "Let's kiss and make up." And with that, Tomo pressed his lips roughly against Nakago's. Nakago was too shocked to move. The realization that Tomo was about to force him to watch Tomo's death was overwhelming, and all the blonde seishi could do was kiss the illusionist back.

Tomo pulled away gently and laid his head back on the pillow.

"Hn………" he smiled darkly, "It was just as wonderful………as I imagined." Tomo's nails tore through the fabric of Nakago's robe and dug into his skin. Nakago didn't wince as Tomo drove his nails deeper and deeper into his arm. Instead, he kept his crystal eyes on Tomo until he yanked his nails out of the shogun. "Look at those from time to time and remember me, ne?"

"I will," replied Nakago, "It takes a lot of courage to die like this, Tomo."

"Such a shame you never saw me for what I was worth, Nakago-sama," Tomo smiled cruelly. Nakago looked intensely at Tomo for a long while before responding.

"It is. It is a shame. And I am truly sorry for it," Nakago said sincerely while still maintaining the power his voice held. Tomo's face softened at Nakago's words.

"We'll get another chance………someday………" Tomo gasped before going into another coughing fit, "Next time, things will be different."

"I hope so," Nakago replied in a more quieted and humbled manner.

"Wo ai ni, Nakago-sama," Tomo sighed before he shut his eyes for the last time. Nakago sat by Tomo's bedside until the early dawn. He went to leaveto notify the seishi of his passing, but stopped when he felt some resistance. Tomo's fingers were laced with his. Nakago unlaced their hands and placed the seishi's hands folded on top of his chest.

Before leaving the room, Nakago turned and looked Tomo's corpse.

"Good night, Tomo."

At some point while Nakago was walking the long hallway back to his chambers, he could have sworn he heard a flirtatious yet ghastly laugh come from behind him.

Breaking the habit

Tonight

A/N: A different twist to the originally happy ending.