Random Guy Watching TV: Sigh. Nothing to watch. I am sooooo sick of watching Survivor. I mean, come on! They are gonna run out of islands someday. If only Krynnish Idol was back on...it's usually on around this time...oh well, I might as well check I mean, what can it hurt.
Lets see...channel 3, Martha Stewart...yech! channel 6, Wheel of Fortune.. channel 15..Judge Judy..hey! WAIT!
Judge Judy: "You say that the woman in question married you while you were unconscious? That sounds hardly legal to me."
Raistlin Majere: "She had a Cleric do the wedding vows, in her religion no less! She says it's perfectly legal! But how that can be, I mean come on! The Cleric should be arrested for assault!
Judge Judy: "I've heard enough! Did I tell you to talk?"
Raistlin: "But-
Judge Judy: "Shut up! I'm talking to the Cleric now!"
Raistlin: "Ignorant fool...ast karath ouna -
Judge Judy: "Gag him."
Raistlin: "MMPHHH!"
Crysania: 'sob' Now, don't you see how it is! All day long, the verbal abuse is too much for my-
Judge Judy: "SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!"
Random man watching TV: "Ugh! I've seen enough...uh channel 7!
OMG! IT'S TASSELHOFF!"
Tas: "Hi everyone, I was getting worried nobody was going to tune in! Sheesh! With Raistlin and Crysania at divorce court, Theros on Oprah with Steven Cojocaru, Goldmoon in the Slammer, and the Authoress...uh, is indisposed at the moment...it seems like I'll have to do today's show all by my self!"
Dalamar: "Not entirely by your self Tas."
Tas: "Yippee! Back by popular demand, DALAMAR ARGENT!"
Fangirls: "WE LOVE YOU DALAMAR!"
Dalamar: (Blushing) "Why, heh heh thank you ladies."
Tas: "Your ear looks great by the way, you can't even tell how much they stretched it out!"
Dalamar: "well thank you Tas, for telling everyone of my plastic surgery!"
Tas: "Your welcome!"
Dalamar: "Sigh, my sarcastisity is lost on a Kender."
Tas: "I don't think sarcastisity is a word Dally."
Dalamar: "I know that! AND DON'T CALL ME DALLY!
Tas: "Alright, alright! I just figured out what to do for this episode! See, looky here, an old tape of our tryouts for Krynnish Idol, and here are all the worst singers!"
Dalamar: "ooh goody.. I always wanted to see that episode."
Tas: "Well, let's pop it in!"
FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
"Welcome to the tryouts of KRYNNISH IDOL! I'm your host, Childlike Empress! Well, at least until we find a permanent host that is. The guy I had in mind decided he'd rather sing.
Well, here are our judges!"
Raistlin: "Hello!... Damn that sounded preppy...uh ...DIE!"
Goldmoon: "He has no idea who's singing does he?"
Theros: "He'll find out soon enough hehehe."
ChildlikeEmpress: "And our first Singer is...Tasselhoff Burrfoot!"
Tas: "Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's such a joy and delight to sing with you here tonight, and I'd like to dedicate my song to all my friends! Flint, Caramon, Sturm, Raistlin, Tika, Laurana, Kitiara, Bupu-
Raistlin: "Bupu is not your friend!"
Tas: "Like I was saying, Bupu, Fewmaster Teode cause if I'd never killed him I wouldn't be famous,
Uncle Trapspringer, Uncle Lockpicker, his wife Kathy, uh The Sledges, Otik, My mommy, my daddy, and allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll my little kender cousins!
And-
Goldmoon: "Tas, this is Krynnish Idol, not the Oscars! GET SINGING!"
Raistlin: "For once cleric you say something worth saying."
Goldmoon: "ARR! I OUGHTA...
Theros: "Guys, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can hit the beach."
WHAP!
Raistlin: "Theros is going to have a really bad headache."
Goldmoon: "Shut up or you'll be next."
Tas: Anyways, here's my song." (Tas commences to sing in a very off tune squeaky voice that makes Raistlin and co. Run for their earplugs.)
"Look at this stuff,
isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete
Wouldn't you think I'm a kender, who has everything!
Look at my packs, filled with treasures untold,
how much can 18 packs hold?
Looking through them you think, hell he's got everything!
I've got Flints old sharpening stone,
Tanis's knife,
Laurana's ring she threw at his head,
hell I've even got some of Otik's bread!
But who cares, no big deal, I WANT MORE!
(While this is going on, Tas and Dalamar are watching the video. Tas brimming with pride at his 'lovely' singing, and Dalamar groaning in agony.)
I wanna see what's in Raistlin's bag,
I wanna see, if Tika's got frying pans,
I wanna see if I can keep singin'
I need I need some more silver wear, laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I wanna see, I wanna feel what a dead lizard's like, see no big deal!
Wish I could see,
dang I've gotta go pee...uh
LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dalamar: "That was soooo painful."
Tas: "Wasn't I brilliant? And talk of the ad lib! Who cares if you can't remember the words! Just make them up! It's that easy!"
Dalamar: "Shhh, the next person is on, and I've gotta see this."
FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ChildlikeEmpress: "And here is our next guest, um...how can I announce you safely.."
"I'll do it myself then! Introducing me, Miranda!"
Theros: "She wouldn't dare!"
Miranda: "hehe, I do dare. And this song is dedicated to Raistlin Majere, Sucker of the year. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!"
Goldmoon: "What a hedonistic self-centered bratty selfish bitch."
Raistlin: "You have no idea. But you forgot 'slut'."
Goldmoon: "And Slut."
Miranda: "Sticks and stones love, I broke your heart, and your in no position to break mine. Your idiot brother did that for you! I put out for that slob! And what does he do? Runs of with the barmaid who's 5 years younger than me!"
ChildlikeEmpress: "Just start singing already! I have some calls to make..."
Miranda: "Hmph. Here goes."
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I think I did it again.
I made you believe, we were more than just friends.
But baby, it might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm serious.
'Cause to lose all my senses, that is just so typically me,
Oh baby baby
Oop's I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game
oh baby baby
Oop's! You think I'm in love, that I'm sent from above!
I'm not that innocent.
You see my problem is this, I'm dreaming away,
wishing that heroes they truly exist.
I cry watching the days, can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways.
Wait- I'm not a fool, you are! For falling in love with me!
Can't you see you're a fool, in so many ways!
But to lose all my senses
that is just so typically me,
oh baby baby
Oops-
"1, 2, 3, 4, come on now let's kill that whore!"
Miranda: "What?"
"5, 6, 7, 8, You're the one we really hate!"
(The chanting grows louder, and it seems to surround the whole production studio, Miranda is shaking, Theros is quaking, Raistlin is...well grinning evilly and The Authoress is smirking. Let's see why.)
Random Gully Dwarf: "They come! With torches! They have come to kill the monster!"
Miranda: "MONSTER? WHERE! RAISTLIN SAVE ME!"
Raistlin: "With Pleasure,"
(Raistlin then swings open the doors and in pours an army of Raistlin fans, girls with attitudes. Girls with torches! (And Chinese finger torturers.)
ChildlikeEmpress: "I knew they'd come! Look at that army! Even some of my reviewers are there! God, this is soo great! Where's my camera Tas? This is such a kodak moment!"
Miranda: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Army of Raistlin Fans: "KILL THE MONSTER! KILL THE MONSTER! KILL THE MONSTER!"
And then, they poured back out the doors. But not without Miranda, hehehe. She'll regret ever threatening my Mage-er our Mage.
And so, the ending was a happy one. The slut was stuffed in a box full of nails and dragged through a river. The Kender went home to visit alllllllllllll his little Kender cousins. Theros got a great tan at the beach, Goldmoon went off to her part time job as nurse practitioner for Dr. Kervorkian, and Raistlin Majere, went out with the Authoress for Ice Cream.
(This in celebration of his annulment.)
And Dalamar Rewound the video.
All was right in the world of Krynnish Idol.
R&R!
KENDER KLASSIFIEDS
For Sale: 1 pouch, slightly worn.
Once held a dragon orb.
3,000 steel or best offer.
We met at the Kender Dance last Saturday night.
You had brown hair, brown eyes and were so pretty I forgot to ask your name.
I had long hair in a topknot, a hoopak and 18 pouches.
(I also regaled you with tales of my adventures with my friend Flint.)
We danced together to the tune of "Return to Kender"
If you read this, contact me at:
Caramon's house.
123 FryPan Ave.
Solace, Ansalon.
Lost:
Pet dragon.
Answers to "pooky".
I would suggest you don't call him that though.
I'm beginning to think that's why he bit my arm off when he ran.
LOOKING FOR A CHEAP WAY TO GET YOUR WORDS ACROSS?
CONTACT KENDER KLASSIFIEDS! FOR ONLY 10c./A LINE!