Chapter 6

Jessie opened the door to the outside office and saw behind the desk a young blonde with a cute pudgy face, and the most beautiful hazel eyes, they were so deep you could get lost looking into them for any length of time. She addressed Jessie as she stood there looking dumbfounded.

"You must be Jessie Burlingame."

"Oh yes, sorry I was lost in thought there for a moment."

"I'll just let Dr. Montgomery know you are here."

After a moment Julie hung up the phone and looked up at Jessie again.

"Dr. Montgomery will be just a moment." After a pause she said, "You're Chris Flynn's fiancé right?"

"Yes that's right. You know Chris?"

"Yes, he's very nice, and very well respected among the other staff. He's one of the few doctors who treats everyone with respect. Some of the young doctors coming out of medical school now only see nurses and other staff as their personal gophers, but not Chris." she said with a mix of sadness and excitement in her voice.

"I'll tell Chris you said that if that's alright, unless you want to of course. Some times his ego needs a little boost, especially after a really tough day."

"I can't say that to him. I can barely speak to him without blushing." Realizing what she had just said, Julie quickly replied, "Not to mean that I'm flirting with him of course. I don't want to even entertain the idea of breaking you two up. Oh man, I'll just shut up now."

Jessie could see that Julie was completely embarrassed. She got up from the chair she was sitting in and walked over to the desk.

"We have a running joke that he's not to flirt with any nurses, but if you want to flirt with him that will be fine. Believe me when I tell you he's not your type, he's got a bad boy side and you seem like a girl who should only have the good, with maybe a touch of bad boy. If you like, I could set you up with someone; he's handsome, nice and has a really skewed sense of humour."

"I'll think about it. I'm sorry I said what I said, it was out of line."

"It's fine, I know who he's coming home to at night and that's all that matters."

The girls shared a quick laugh before hearing an "ahem" behind them. Unbeknownst to them, Dr. Montgomery had been watching the girls for a couple of minutes and seen his assistant make a fool of herself. He had also watched Jessie's reaction and noted that she didn't get upset, but rather joked with Julie about it all to make her more comfortable.

"Jessie, please come in."

He gave his assistant a wink before closing the door to let her know he was not upset with her. He showed Jessie to a chair across from his desk and asked if she would like some water.

"You just missed Chris, although he did say that he'd be back if you wanted him to be. All I have to do is page him."

"That's fine. I think I'll just talk with you alone today."

"Okay, now Chris didn't say anything to me about what our meeting would be regarding, so why don't you fill me in. What would you like to discuss?"

"This is hard to talk about, and I don't really know what has brought these memories to the surface so vividly. I assume that Chris has spoken to you about what happened two years ago in the woods? The day he was trying to get to Raleigh for a job interview and never made it?"

"He has spoken in general terms about it. He told me that was the day he met you, and the same day that he fell in love with you. But details, he has never talked about, until today."

"I know that you two just had a meeting and that he probably discussed the same issue with you. That is the day that my friends were killed, a day that I will never be able to forget."

Jessie took a moment to gather her thoughts before she began. It felt like forever and she was sure that she hadn't taken many breaths, but 20 minutes later she had completely filled Dave in on the events of that day. From the tires on the car blowing out, to Chris ramming into their car, to Francine being killed in that cabin, Scott, Carly, Evan, finally reaching the end of the tale where she is rescued by Chris.

"Sometimes in my nightmares I still see myself tied to that bed waiting for them to kill me. I'm screaming through the gag they put in my mouth and crying out for Chris to save me, but he doesn't come. Before I can see what happens to me, I wake up screaming and crying," she finished.

Dave took a moment before asking her his next question.

"Jessie, how often do you have the nightmare?"

"I hadn't had one for a very long time. Chris and I have met with their parents often over the last two years, they have forgiven us for what happened, assuring us that it was not our fault."

"Did you feel it was your fault?"

"I was the reason we went camping. My boyfriend had just dumped me using my answering machine to tell me. He didn't even have the decency to do it to my face. They took me camping because it was something I loved."

"So you did feel like it was your fault, that you needed their families' forgiveness."

"Yeah, I guess I did. I felt guilty about surviving, about dragging Chris into it."

"First off, I know Chris doesn't blame you for dragging him into it, it was dumb luck and a traffic jam, and secondly, if he hadn't been there, you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me. And that would make me very sad. I see how happy he is with you, and how happy you are with him. It's rare to find that in our world today."

"You're right. The dreams have become more frequent since we got engaged though. What is that about?"

"Survivor's guilt. Sometimes it comes up right away and other times it stays buried deep."

"What is survivor's guilt exactly and how do I deal with it? I don't want Chris to feel like my problems have anything to do with him, that I'm not happy when I am."

"Survivor's guilt is a phenomenon often experienced by those who escape from a disaster that seriously injures or kills others. The people in New York and all over the country who survived the 9/11 attacks would have felt a sense of survivor's guilt for the men, women and children who died that day. If you want to really deal with this you need to talk about it. You've got a great life and if you don't deal with these issues and allow yourself to forgive yourself, these memories could destroy you. Unfortunately our time is up and I have another patient to see now or I'd have you stay."

"That's okay."

"Jessie, don't walk out of here feeling defeated. You have been able to move on with your life, never forgetting what your friends meant to you. Go home and talk to Chris, if you want to now, make an appointment with Julie to see me again next week. And Jessie, if you want to postpone the wedding, talk to him about that too. Chris will understand. He loves you very much."

"I'll talk to him. Thanks Dave. I'll see you next week."

Dave gave Jessie a quick, friendly hug and she stepped out of the inner office. She quickly made an appointment with Julie for the following Tuesday and then left the office. When she arrived at the front door, Chris was there waiting for her, hiding behind a newspaper.

"Did you think you could hide from me? I know those pants anywhere pal," she said jokingly.

"It wasn't you I was hiding from, it was everyone else. If they see me here, they'll try to get me to work, I know it."

He stood up and gave her a kiss, then wrapped his arm around her waist and led her out to the car.

"Where did you park?" she asked him.

"I didn't, I took the bus here. I won't do that again after school, the kids are horrible. I had to yell at one to shut up. He was cursing left, right and centre and there was the sweetest old lady on board who was getting more and more upset."

"Well that was very sweet of you."

"Yeah, to thank me, he flipped me the bird. Why do parents let their kids get away with that crap these days?"

"Who knows, our kids won't be like that though."

"How are you so sure?"

"Cause you'll give them shit if they are," she said as they approached the car.

When they got to the gate to leave the parking lot, Chris flashed the guard his hospital ID and he let them on through. Jessie reached over to turn on the radio and then changed her mind. There was no time like the present to talk to him about her meeting.

"So are you going to ask me how it went?"

"I am curious, but I figured you'd bring it up when you were ready."

"You know me so well. It went well, I told him everything, rambled on for quite a while and he just listened. It was so good to get it off my chest. I'm not saying that you haven't been a help all this time too, but, you know what I mean."

"Yeah I do. Were you able to come up with any conclusions? Anything to work on, and if so can I help?"

"Well I suppose he diagnosed me with survivor's guilt, but then I guess you already knew that. I told him about how I needed forgiveness from their families for dragging them into it, and your forgiveness."

Chris told her to pull over to the side of the road for a moment. When she pulled over he turned her toward him and looked into her eyes.

"Jessie, I have nothing to forgive you for, you did nothing wrong. Remember when we were hiding behind that waterfall and you told me why you guys were out camping. Your boyfriend had just broken up with you on your answering machine. You told Carly and she, Scott, Evan and Francine all blew off work to take you out camping because that was something you enjoyed. You probably wanted to sit at home, eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs and wallow in self-pity, like every other girl when she gets dumped unexpectedly. They dragged you into the woods to go camping, and you had fun." He paused before continuing, "Then I come along and crash into the back of your car. It wasn't planned, but when I saw you come around the side of the car I was sure glad I had. If anyone should be asking for forgiveness it's me. I told you that night behind the waterfall that it wasn't your fault and you have to believe me now when I say again, it wasn't your fault."

Jessie looked at him as tears began to well up in her eyes. In her heart she knew he was telling the truth, but sometimes it was difficult to really believe what she was hearing. After a moment she dried her eyes and said,

"I do believe you. Sometimes it's just hard to allow myself to believe that they forgive me. Can a person forgive someone from beyond the grave?"

"I know that they forgive you. They loved you enough to help you at a very rough time to forget about your problems. It may take time, but eventually you will be able to give yourself a sense of peace by forgiving yourself."

"I love you," she said.

"I know," he replied.

She turned in her seat to face the road and turned the car over again. When she was able to she pulled back into traffic and drove the rest of the way home. When they got home, Chris made dinner. After dinner they watched a movie on television and then went to bed. They had a big day ahead of them tomorrow and were going to need their rest.