The Trouble with a House Full of Ninjas

written by: The Shirne of Ice and Fire

August 2004

It was just as he had suspected. Megumi, with her black silk garments and her black silk hair, was a master thief in the disguise of a woman. She stole into this room. She stole his lips with a kiss that took everything out of him: his breath, his self-control and his clarity of mind. She took him by surprise and he was left helpless to be devoured by her.

When she relinquished his lips, he stood wide-eyed, breathless and panting. What's more, he found that he was completely at the mercy of this woman. No, there was no way that she could be human. No way that anyone could make him feel like that.

He could hear Okina's jaw drop even in his complete haze. He told himself that he needed to fix this, to make up some sort of explanation, a plan, anything. But he stood with swollen lips and a dumbfounded expression on his face as he watched Megumi slink her way across the room to the old man.

She wore a smirk on her lips. Her slender fingers toyed playfully with the black silk undergarments in her hands. "Jiya." She purred, advancing.

Oh kami help us all. She's going to massacre him.

Before she could even say another word, the screaming had started up again for poor, unfortunate Misao had been standing at the doorway the entire time.

"There!" She cried senselessly, pointing her finger at all of them. "There it is! Proof of Aoshi's depravity. You've gone insane haven't you, Aoshi-sama?"

Soon, the poor girl lost consciousness and fell like a sack onto the floor, landing on top of a poor sleeping Koneko.

Aoshi yelped and ran to the doorway. Pulling Misao up by the shoulders, he did his best to prop the unconscious girl up. The cat, thankfully, was mostly unhurt. With a terrifying hiss, she limped away, and hid in the next room.

Aoshi hoisted Misao over his shoulder and carried her back into her bedroom. He gently leaned her against the wall before preparing her futon and took the time to collect his wits. Perhaps it would be better if she were not conscious to witness whatever Megumi had planned. He, for one, decided long before the kiss that it would behoove him greatly to just sit back and watch the good doctor work her magic...

...and if he should be used for her, ahem, plans, then it should be all for the better. After all, she was a guest, and it is his duty to be helpful. Yes. It was quite a sacrifice on his part, but he would try his best to help her out with the kissing parts as much as possible.

It's the least he could do. Really.

With a new resolve, he left the unconscious Misao in her futon and ventured back into the other room. Yes. He was going to be the like the water and take the path of least resistence.

---

Koneko, angry and aching, limped her way into Aoshi's office. There, she came upon what looked to be some very important documents that the humans would undoubtedly find essential in their stupid little drama. Fueled with fury, the poor mistreated cat proceeded to eat the entire stack of beatifully scripted letters.

mmmmm. orange blossoms.

(ChiisaiLammy)

Aoshi was sitting down for his customary breakfast the next morning, just across the low table from Jiya, when a certain doctor plopped into his lap with a lazy smile. Her arms encircled his neck and with the tiniest push of a neatly filed index finger, pushed the rest of the seaweed-wrapped norimaki into his mouth, which had decided to stop working the moment her round bottom touched his thigh.

"Chew your food carefully, Aoshi. You have a tendency to be overly male and only do as much as is strictly necessary. One would hope you would be better at pleasing your women."

He did as he was told and chewed his food carefully, accepting the small rolls quietly as Megumi saw fit to hand feed him.

Okina coughed and tried not to let his eyes bulge TOO much from his sockets. "Ahh...um, Megumi. Glad to see you in better spirits. But it might be best for Misao if..." He glanced meaningfully at the spot that the woman had decided to plant herself.

"Relax. Misao is passed out and will be for a while yet. It's nothing serious, just an overactive imagination and possible high blood pressure. By the way, you're not feeding her too many salts, sweets or spices, are you? Too much of anything is no good for anyone, you know."

Still taken aback, the old man groped for words. "Uh...no."

"You seem uneasy, Jiya. Is something wrong? Something I don't know about? You don't disapprove of Aoshi and I beginning a relationship, do you? I couldn't bear it if you did!"

"Uh...no. Of course not. I couldn't be happier. It's just—"

"Thank goodness! You don't know how hard it was..."

"Of course, I can't imagine..."

"Oh, but, you don't even know the story, do you? Allow me to elaborate. You see, Aoshi sent me this box."

"A box?"

"Yes, a box."

"I see."

"Yes, you see. I mean, I know it had your name in it, but that is of little consequence, Aoshi was just trying to protect himself. Well, inside was a really very beautifully embroidered negligee that I'm sure Aoshi picked out himself—what with him having such wonderful taste and all."

"Yes..."

"Yes, and there was also my family's seal finely done in delicate stitching near the bosom, obviously altered specifically for me...of course, I was a bit angry at first, but Aoshi explained everything and now everything's fine."

Okina stared at her for a moment, completely at a loss. "And?"

"Well, and Aoshi was very forward with me, you saw what happened, silly man. He is not quite the gentleman the Aoiya thinks him to be." With that, the doctor laughed heartily, pausing to eye a certain cat walking slowly and testily into the room before coughing up a hairball and something else onto the waxed floor, and exiting the room with the same awkward jaunt.

"It is all very fascinating..." the old man said uneasily.

The woman turned her wicked eyes on him. "Yes, it is," she said, rubbing the silent Aoshi's thigh with a free hand. "Poor Misao. Of course, she had to go and find the naughty lace I got for Kaoru...perhaps if she'd found Aoshi's gift to the implication...maybe it was for the best..."

"Uh...yes...implication."

"Why, yes, of course. Very soon, you will have Aoshi's robust genes running through your future grandson!"

The sound Okina made when he hit the ground was noteworthy of even expert fallers.

"Of course, when I become his full partner, I do expect some things around here to change...you don't mind, do you?"

Dear God. What had he wrought?

"I was thinking of starting an underwear business with Aoshi, what do you think? Perhaps the Aoiya needs to cater to the more risqué of Japan, after all, aren't they as well as businessmen the only ones who frequent the hotel aspects the Aoiya has to offer?"

"I don't think..."

"Of course, I could come up with a few designs as well as model them, Aoshi does love to see me in costume...but I would still have to be able to run a clinic, so this would only be a little side business for fun..."

The sweat began to drip off of the old man's forehead.

(Leila-Hime)

Okina rushed into his room and slid the shoji shut behind him, panting.

What on earth was Takani-sensei up to?

He had only meant to create an excuse for her and Aoshi to get together, but it seemed that he needn't have bothered. The attraction was there all along.

And that kiss...phew! It was a good thing Misao hadn't seen that, though Okina was very sure there would be more...displays of affection...in the very near future. He would have to tell the others to mention "Aoshi" and "ladies' underwear" in the same breath around Misao; it would be sure to keep her unconscious while he tried to puzzle out where he went wrong with his little scheme.

All he had wanted, really, was to present the lady doctor with an item that would indicate a form of proposal from Aoshi. How was he to know that it was a piece of Western underclothing? He had found the little silky thing in a shop and bought it at once, for he'd thought it was very pretty, as befitted someone like the lady doctor. He then had his lady friend, Kaede, embroider it with the Takani family crest. Being his age, she had obviously had no idea what the article of clothing was­ otherwise she would most certainly have lectured him about it.

But when did Aoshi become a manufacturer of Western women's underclothing? Okina scratched his head.

Oh well, he shrugged to himself, there was no point in questioning Aoshi about it. If the young man had decided to embark on such a strange occupation and enjoyed it, then surely there was nothing wrong with that. Takani-sensei certainly didn't seem to mind. And anyway, seeing as Aoshi looked like he was enjoying himself with the lady doctor, there was really nothing to worry about. Before long the two would marry and
have the grandchildren he always wanted...

He began to cackle. He was just going to keep his mouth shut and let things take their natural course.

(MiJ)

Aoshi earned the title of the Okashira, and he didn't do it by sitting around and looking pretty. He, as always, had a plan and this plan did not involve being repainted as a fool, no matter how beautiful the woman was. …no matter how delicious her kisses were. Aoshi bit down hard on his own tongue as self-punishment for such treasonous thoughts. No. In order to stick to his plans, it would perhaps be
best not to think of her kisses or her skin or the way her little mouth does that thing when she smirks. But no matter, he was a master of self control.

The thing is, he had been so painfully underestimated this entire time. Aoshi was no fool and Okina was the first victim on his list.

The found the old man humming to himself as he absently watered the flowers that surrounded the Aoiya.

"You're getting old, if I can sneak up on you so easily." Aoshi said softly as a way of greeting.

Jiya's bushy whisker twitched in amusement. "You could never sneak up on me, boy. I knew you were there before you even thought of approaching me."

"Ahh. I see the senility has set in."

Okina sniffed indignantly and set his watering can down. "Don't make me break out my tonfas, boy."

Aoshi sat down on a nearby bench and followed the old man with his eyes. "So I came to commend you. You succeeded so well in drawing the fox out of her burrow. The western underwear was a stroke of brilliance. You are peerless with your cunning."

He noted the Okina's hands as he put away his gardening supplies. They twitched, ever so slightly. Aoshi sat back in satisfaction. So the old man was nervous.

Okina smiled brightly and turned to face his former ward. "Your flattery gets you nowhere, boy. What do you want?"

Aoshi's eyes narrowed. ""What are you planning, old man?"

Okina chuckled, but ignored the question. "I've endured tortures! Do you think you can get information out of me so easily?"

Aoshi stood and but kept his eyes trained steadily and icily at Okina. "No, but I thought I would extend the courtesy and ask you like a gentleman before I get the information out of Kaede-san. The embroidery is unmistakable. And old folks with their established patterns are so predictable."

He took a moment to savor the look of horror on Okina's face before he retreated back into the house.

Victim number two, Takani Megumi.

He found her in his office, rummaging through the gift-box for Kaoru.

He cleared his throat and was more than amused when she gave a startled gasp before whipping her body around to face him.

"What are you looking for?" He asked calmly. He didn't really need to ask. He already knew she wanted her letters back. Her scarlet cheeks revealed everything.

She shrugged and shifted her weight back, to give off the illusion of being casual. "Nothing at all. Just seeing if everything is still in the box." Her eyes flashed mischievously, "Just in case there are underwear-stealing perverts at the Aoiya." She stepped closer with her brow raised in challenge. "You wouldn't happen to know about them, do you?"

He played the silent, stoic straight-man and replied with the usual gravity in his voice, "I'll be sure to watch out for any underwear thieves."

Her lips stretched into a wide, alluring smile. "Good. Well, keep the streets safe, Okashira."

She was teasing him, daring him to be embarrassed and drop the matter but he knew better than to give her what she wanted.

He captured her face with his hand and pulled her closer. He nearly smiled when she let out a sharp, indignant gasp, "Okina's not here. There's no need to act here."

His fingertips lingered on the edge of her delicately pointed chin, "So I've been wondering, Takani-sensei, would the lightest touch from me satisfy you?"

Inwardly he smiled to see the look of utter shock and horror play out across her face. Good, she recognized her own words. He took her moment of shock and lowered his face towards hers. He could feel her shaky, uncertain breath as he brushed his lips against hers, softly and delicately, like a barely there whisper.

And just as he felt her muscles relax as she wielded to him, he pulled himself back and raised an eyebrow pointedly.

"I doubt it." He said seriously, "So be very careful what you are doing, Takani-sensei. I am not a man to be trifled with."

And with that, he walked away, with a surprising new lightness in his steps.

Shinomori, you cad.

(ChiisaiLammy)

Unfortunately for him , his little self-congratulatory moment ended abruptly with a shoe to his head.

Shinomori, you moron.

He should have easily evaded it. Worse yet, he should have ignored it. But foolishly he turned to look at the woman who was all rage and fire.

She slapped him. She would have slapped him again if he hadn't taken her wrists in hand and held her in place.

Thwarted, she could only speak -- her voice icy and hurt and indignant all at the same time. "What the hell do you know about those letters, you pompous assuming vain man! Like hell this is about you!"

This was ridiculous -- her hand trying to hurt him, him trying to hold her in place without harming her, and at the same time trying desperately to puzzle out this woman.

"You assume too much, all of you!" Her voice rose in volume, not caring that it was resonating off the walls, drawing out the others who called this place home. "Those letters were copies of my grandparents' memoirs, not some kind of lovesick scrawling left behind for all your speculation and mocking!"

He frowned slightly. Takani's mother's family had been originally in Kyoto -- that he did know from his own research while they had both been under Kanryuu's thumb. It had never occurred to him that the letters were anything but her own personal thoughts.

"And as far as 'trifling' is concerned," her voice was now quietly shaking. "Do you know how much humiliation I faced because of that present sent to me? Do you know what it's like to receive that kind of thing?! " Her eyes were filling with tears. "Who is being trifled with here? It's all fun and games isn't it to all of you? I'm just the sort of woman who'd appreciate the value of such an inappropriate, private item. Of course, I'd understand the joke, eh? I'd laugh my head off and enjoy it?

"Megumi--"

"Of course no one would find out about this mysterious item!" She glared, "Of course not! But somehow the rumors started anyways. Packages are opened you know by other people often in transit. People do recognize things that perhaps others don't. Whispers become laughs, become leers, become outright harassment. I'm just the sort of woman who appreciates gifts from men."

His eyes widened in horror.

She laughed, but it wasn't a pleasant sort of sound. "I came here and played that role perfectly, didn't I? And ironically, now you are the one threatening me. Because I'm the one who started it with those damned letters in your mind. This is all my fault. This whole entire thing was just a damn game!"

He tried to calm her. "Megumi-san, this is a misunderstanding. It was surely not the intent--"

She shook, fallen too deeply into her anger to hear him. "Then let me start over then and explain this in a way that all of you can understand. I hate you."

Stunned, he dropped her wrists.

"I hate you!" she echoed again as she fled the Aoiya, disappearing into the dark streets of Kyoto.

(Longwinded-girl)

Shrine notes: FEED us! We long for reviews--as one might long for--chocolate or cookies for instance. Or Megumi for Aoshi and vice versa. Yes, there is longing, so much longing...