The Problem with a House Full of Ninja
by: the Shrine of Ice and Fire
August 2004
Part Four
She ran and she ran and she ran.
She thought of everything that had ever gone wrong in her life: the fire, the doctor, Kanryuu, Kenshin, Sanosuke, the letters... And that STUPID. ARROGANT. BASTARD. OF. A. NINJA.
(And the irritating, nosy old man too, she supposed. But that wasn't the point.)
Megumi knew she was crying. She could feel the tears running down her face. But all of a sudden, she felt angry. Again. Very, very ANGRY. She wiped her eyes viciously on the sleeves of her kimono.
"I wish..." she said to the dark, empty streets. "I wish I had never been born!"
And then she tripped. She realized suddenly that she had been running with only one shoe on, as the other had been used as a handy projectile back at the Aoiya...
A tiny black cat yowled indignantly at her feet.
"What are you doing here?" asked Megumi wonderingly as she stood and brushed herself off. She crouched down and reached out a hand.
Don't touch me, you evil kitsune!
The kitten hissed and scratched at Megumi's hand. Megumi snatched her hand back hastily. "Naughty, Koneko. Bad cat. Bad."
Bad kitsune. Bad.
"I wonder if they're missing you back at the Aoiya..."
Go away and leave me alone, man-stealer.
Megumi sighed. "I guess I should take you back then, shouldn't I? Don't think it's safe for a little thing like you to be wandering around by yourself here..." She reached out again to pick up the kitten.
I told you to go --- "MrOWRRR!"
There was a sudden flash. Megumi raised her arm, shielding her eyes from the blinding... neon pink (?!?) light. When the light faded at last, Megumi lowered her arm and blinked. Then she pinched herself, disbelieving. She must have been knocked unconscious by whatever that flash had been from back there, or something. Maybe she was hallucinating. But no, the little black cat was standing beside her, hair standing straight up, hissing violently...
"I don't think we're in Kyoto anymore, Koneko..." Megumi whispered in awe.
-Shimizu Hitomi
blink. blink.
Wait. What??
There, in all his emasculating glory, was Takahata-san in a flamingo colored suit, pink fur cuffs encircling his thin, delicate wrists, glowing, and performing a flaming toss of his downy-soft hair. (so to speak, of course, had he truly been up in flames, the playful smile on his baby face would surely be replaced with utter horror…however, it is safe to say that there was a definite glow…)
"Why, Megumi…why so down?"
"…"
The doctor allowed herself a graceless drop of her jaw.
The pseudo-male pouted with a coyness any woman would envy. "Was Shinomori-san picking on you?"
Hiiisssssssssssssssssssss....
With an indignant widening of his eyes, Takahata-san huffed, "Don't even start with me, you hateful skuzz!"
"…but…you're the…" she began.
The man just smiled good-naturedly. "Honey, I'm not the only one with queer tendencies. What was that you said to Shinomori back there?
I told him I hated him.
He nodded gravely. "Mmmhmm. Pretty wishy-washy of you, dontcha think? And here he was the one who made your toes curl, too. Tsk tsk."
"Now wait just a moment…!"
"I think it's called…hypocrisy?"
The woman fumed inwardly and ignored the crimson hue her cheeks took when she realized that as flighty and…eccentric the man before her was, he spoke only the truth.
He looked at her expectantly, cocking his thin face to one side. "Well, am I right?" he asked, listening to the sweet sound of begrudging silence. "Shame, too, he is a hottie."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you telling me? Apologize to Shinomori."
Megumi slumped onto the ground, Koneko sniffing curiously at her change in demeanor. "I regret it already. I wish I hadn't said anything."
Takahata-san smirked knowingly. "Mmm…yes. Well, I suppose I could show you a few things of great interest. Perhaps your situation won't look so glum…hmmm?"
She could not be bought so easily. "What could be more interesting than my family crest being embroidered on a whore's uniform? Or worse, that others could possibly think that I would enjoy that; what a hussy I am! Thank you for your concern, Taka—"
"Silly woman," laughed the man with a posh wave of his hand. "Too quick to jump to conclusions…you're very much like that pig-headed Okashira."
MRRRRRROOOOOOWWW!!!!!!!
"Ah, shut the mouth, pussycat!!!" Takahata-san roared, showing a surprising cache of testosterone, as his voice didn't squeak once. An unholy thickness in the air crackled around them and Koneko retreated behind one of the doctor's legs. Better to let the human deal with unpleasant consequences…
Rolling his eyes, the filly of a man continued with a smile, "If you'd like…I could show you the could be's, would be's and will be's of your world. But only if…ya know…you're interested in that kind of thing," he said with a wink.
Megumi eyed him warily. "You mean…"
"Anything," Takahata-san beamed smugly, oh so smugly.
"Well…"
"Yes…?"
Versus mulling over the inconsistencies of bending reality and the rules established in her "normal" life, Megumi decided what the heck and indulged in a few burning questions…
"What if I had never told Aoshi that I hated him and we had continued with our charade?"
"I thought you'd never ask—!!!"
With that, Takahata-san grasped Megumi by the hand, pulled her up and took off, giggling with mirth. Right before the pink flash blinded them all, Koneko made a giant leap for the doctor's free hand and landed safely in the beautiful crook of her arm. Ahh…safety….
:::blink:::
They were back in Megumi's room and there was a stunned hush as things started coming together. Unfortunately, things couldn't come together quickly enough as the shoji in front of the doctor's face slid open with an audible thwak and she found herself face-to-face with Aoshi Shinomori.
In her absolute joy to see that beloved face again, Koneko made a dive from Megumi's arm to Aoshi's…
…only, his eyes were riveted on the woman in front of him and pussycat went crashing into his chest, sliding down his pant leg and finally contented herself with angrily rubbing her head against his ankles in order to gain his affections. However, it proved for naught.
Skanky bitch.
"Megumi…" Aoshi's voice rumbled deep in his chest. "I was waiting for you."
The woman turned her head to glance at Takahata-san beside her. "What's he doing?" she asked.
"You'll see…"
There was a curious glimmer in his eyes before the hunk of beefcake leaned an arm against the shoji frame and stared unwaveringly into Meg's eyes. "You look bewitching, distracted as you are."
"What?"
"I would love to discuss this further with you in my chambers," he said, taking a sip of tea from the tiny ceramic cup he held. His hair was damp from a recent bath and he was wearing…
…well…
…he was wearing…
A black silk robe.
Geez. Acts like Takahata-san isn't even here…
(…)
Wait a minute…
…dammit…
And that's when she noticed that she was wearing a carmine, slinky robe of her own.
-Leila Winters
Megumi eeped.
Grabbed the silk robe's loose opening, which was threatening to spill open.
Backed away from the gorgeous man with the mesmerizing eyes and the dripping ebony bangs and the drops of water trickling lazily down his delectable chest…
no, no, no…!
…wait. delectable?…the hell?
She backed into the opposite wall.
The gleaming, smoldering, ocean-blue eyes kept burning into hers. He rakishly cocked an elegant eyebrow, and with tantalizing slowness, stepped into her room.
"Or perhaps you'd rather discuss this in your room…?" his voice trailed off, low, soft, and tinged with more than a little seductiveness in its musical baritone...
The shoji slid shut.
If either one actually heard the hissing, yelping cat clawing at the closed shoji, they paid it no heed. Megumi, for one, was too preoccupied by the magnificent specimen drawing closer…and closer.
Those distracting eyes. That tousled hair. The almost feral…alluring…enticing…smile
no, no…!wait.
smile?
For the first time in her life, Megumi was in dire danger of fainting dead away.
"Takahata-san…" she whispered, voice gradually crescendoing with increasing panic, "Takahata-san! This isn't funny...stop this right now.
Takahata-san!
Her eyes flickered to the now empty space beside her. The only hint of Takahata-san's flamboyant presence was a disembodied laughter that echoed like a ghost in her ear.
A light, warm touch on her arm made her whip her head back towards the man standing right in front of her.
His azure eyes were blazing and suspicious. "Who is this Takahata-san'?" he said slowly—almost…possessively?—with a muscle jumping in his clenched jaw, "he's not your…lover, is he?"
Megumi would have laughed at the ridiculous idea.
That is, if her jaw weren't currently gaping, unladylike, at the gorgeous man standing inches away from her. And if she wasn't currently focused with the hand that was gently touching her cheek.
"Because," the man Megumi thought was Aoshi, but was acting so unlike Aoshi, said more gently, fingers trailing lightly down her jaw and tracing her lips, "whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you…"
He was so close...and he smelled so good...
So distracted was Megumi that she did not even think of slapping him as Aoshi bent down to capture her lips for the second time that day.
Outside, a shadow that was anxiously spying on them through the shoji fell over on a certain pissed-off cat.
And outside the window of Megumi's room, an invisible Takahata-san rubbed his
hands in glee and popped another buttery piece of popcorn into his mouth.
-Trupana
The cat became even more pissed off when Misao accidentally stepped on her.
Misao screamed in surprise, backpedaled, lost her balance, hit on her head on the floor, and blacked out for the seventeenth time.
Koneko, in a fit of hissing rage, flew down the staircase, muttering an oath to Kami-sama to never get in the way again of these stupid, idiotic, imbecilic, moronic, half-witted, senseless, asinine humans! Aoshi be damned. He may be damn hot and have the best-looking butt in the world, but she was not going to be ignored or stepped on anymore. She ran into the gardens, took a few deep breaths to calm herself, and then wandered away to find her friend Midori so they could go shopping together.
"Damn!" Takahata-san thought to himself as he grimaced at Misao's unconscious body. "That could have gotten real interesting." He sighed. "Oh, well, at least she got rid of the damn cat!"
He turned back to watch the other drama unfolding before him as he flipped another piece of popcorn into his mouth. It was getting interesting here, too. Who would have thought that a confirmed old queen like him would have enjoyed watching a salacious rendezvous between a male and a female?
He grinned widely as Aoshi crushed Megumi to his chest and snaked his mouth into hers. She fell limp against him, unable and unwilling to halt this sweet, searing assault on her senses. Her mind was blank except for the one word that kept flitting across her brain in big capital letters: "WOW!"
Takahata-san watched lustfully as Aoshi's hands slid down the front of Megumi's slinky robe to the tied sash at her waist. "Too bad, he's straight," he sighed ruefully. "Oh, well, time for me to get back to work. I won't get paid if this doesn't work out right."
He ate another piece of popcorn and clapped his hands three times. Megumi slid bonelessly to the ground as the pink glare faded away. She held one hand to her chest as she gasped out, "Why did you do that for? I was having fun!"
Takahata-san bent over her, his hands on his hips as he smirked at her. "I trust I've made my point, sweet-ums? That exactly what you wanted, isn't it? Well, now you can't have it because you just had to lie to yourself," he said. He paused a moment for dramatic flare. "And to him."
Megumi stood up, one hand held against her head. Kami-sama, what had she done? Had she just ruined the best time of her life that could have lasted the rest of her life? She had to fix this!
Megumi grabbed onto Takahata-san salmon lapels and began to shake him violently. "You've got to help me! Tell me what to do! Tell me what to do!"
Meanwhile, back in Kyoto…
Aoshi watched in stunned silence as Megumi fled his room. He stood there for several moments, his shocked blue eyes staring off into space. He could not believe the words she had spoken to him. They could not be true. He knew that there was no way she could actually hate him, not after the way she had kissed him, even if had been a joke. He had to find her and talk to her now!
He sped down the staircase and through the common room only to come to a
screeching halt as Okina stepped in front of him. "Megumi was sobbing
hysterically and ran out the back, Aoshi. I couldn't even stop her. What
did you say to her? Why is she crying?" Okina demanded.
Aoshi butted his shoulder into Okina's as he moved past him. "This is your fault, old man," he growled as he ran out the back door of the Aoiya.
Aoshi took several moments to search the gardens, but Megumi wasn't there. He then moved around to the pathway leading out to the city streets and spotted her footprints. Swiftly, he followed them, looking down occasionally to check that he could still track her. Eventually, he saw her several hundred feet away. He ran quickly, trying to catch up to her when he saw her trip and fall.
Suddenly, the air blazed in a blinding pink light, and Aoshi watched in stunned amazement as Megumi disappeared before his very eyes. "Megumi!" he cried as he leaped into the last of pink glare's light...
-Amberle-chan
He leapt as the last of the light faded.
And felt something hit his face.
"First of all, get your hands off my shirt," Takahata smiled evilly. "I'm not going to substitute for Aoshi Shinomori. Or some figment of your imagination that vaguely resembles Aoshi Shinomori."
"Figment?" Megumi made a disgusted face as she pushed Takahata away. "That figment was as real as you are."
"Exactly," Takahata sighed. "Which tells you that you really have issues, woman."
"I have issues?" Megumi's fingers started to twitch. "This was your doing!"
"Wrong," the man flipped his light colored hair over his shoulder. "Black silk robe. Think I'd put Aoshi Shinomori in a black silk robe? NO! Blue! It'd have been blue to match his eyes! Obviously that was something you invented-- including that weird crest on the back of his robe!"
Megumi thought as hard as she could, not aware that the scenery around her was slowly fading. She did not notice because she was trying to remember the supposed detail that was the proof of her own delusions. It was rather hard to remember anything after Aoshi (or the supposed figment of her imagination) had sauntered in, seized her and made her think about many things and nothing -- including starting the line of sons she had promised Okina. "I don't know whatever you're talking about," she sniffed. "You're saying that I invented that robe, I made that man come over here and I made him do all that?!"
Takahata giggled. "For a doctor, you are slow."
She slowly clenched her fists together. "So this is just one odd dream? My dream?"
"Something like that, but not exactly. You should read Dickens, you know. He just came out with a lovely work--"
Who the hell is Dickens?' Megumi took one step closer to Takahata, wondering how her own delusions could invent people she had never heard of. "So now you're telling me that I'm the depraved person who thought this entire thing up? That all I want is for Aoshi Shinomori (or some poor cheap imitation) to seduce me?!"
"Well, you know you started it. You kissed him, woman." He started to smirk, but was rudely interrupted by a huge punch in the face.
Takahata fell flat on his face and with panicked eyes touched his face. "What was that for?!!"
Megumi stood over him with the scariest expression on her face. "Just wanted to make sure you weren't another figment of my imagination. But since this is all in my head, that shouldn't have hurt you at all."
"It did! It did!" Takahata shrieked. "You can't play this way with me! I'm the--"
"You're fired." Megumi began to stomp away. "Since you said this was my dream, I'm kicking you out of it."
She stomped away, back into the darkness of night.
The meow was plaintive and grieved. The light had been followed by something
very odd -- a shadowy presence yes, and the annoying woman talking to something.
She had been fooled too by the odd illusions of that other rival for her owner's
attention, but only for a moment. It had been an illusion -- but had lacked
the distinctive smell of home. And so she had padded back, curious as
to what the woman who had foolishly tried to help her was not involved with.
The woman had talked strangely to the shadows in the light before finally screaming, 'You're fired!' and violently attacking a shadow in the slowly dissipating mist.
The resulting loud sound caused the cat to run to the shadows again. But when nothing else happened, she peered out and saw that the hussy had a hit, not a shadow, but a real live man. A man, who by his own scent, she would never mistake for anything other than her precious owner.
"Mowr!" The cat cried as it padded over to the unconscious and now bruised form of Aoshi Shinomori, ignoring the woman as she walked drugged and waveringly away towards whatever other creatures of the night waited.
"Mowr!" The cat licked her owner's hand, ignorant of the stunned look on his face.
"Mowr!"
-Longwinded Girl
She was just a flurry of fists and she only cared for the sweet, sweet feeling of beating up on her tormentor.
When she finally stopped hitting him, the lump of dark cloth had collapsed into a heap on the ground. 'Hmph, good.' Megumi thought to herself, as she began to walk away. 'Stay there, jerk!'
As she stalked in no particular direction, the walls around her seemed to be infused with a tint of magenta. In her ear, she could hear the disembodied cackling of a Takahata's voice.
Megumi spun around and marched right back to the spot where she had left her victim. She was about to give him kick to the gut when—
Wait. Black cloth?
Black.
Not pink.
Not feathery.
Not silk.
With a shriek, her fists unclenched and she threw herself to her knees.
"Aoshi? Son of a—" A string of curses that no proper lady should ever know spilled out of her demure, flower petal lips.
After an instant, the hitting started up again.
"Takahata!"
Smack! "This--"
Smack "is--"
Smack "not-"
SMACK "funny!"
She grabbed him by the lapels of his blazer and hauled the heavy lump to his
feet. "Don't you think you can try this again! I will NOT be part of your
stupid hentai games—and--and I don't know how you somehow made yourself
to smell like him, but I don't want sleep with him! It's NOT in my mind! You
fiend! Oh, and I was most
certainly NOT thinking about carrying his children!"
Her voice failed her as her mind summoned the memory of his lips on hers. The overwhelming and dizzying heat of his body. It was a constructed memory.
So she hit him once more on the chest for good measure. "Takahata, you come back right now!"
Silence. Nothing happened.
"—Megumi."
She blinked.
"Are you quite done?" He straightened his coat. "It's um, good to know that you're safe and--" He brushed the dusted himself off, "who's Takahata?"
Her eyes widened in shock. A realization. A moment of complete ground-shaking, jaw-dropping, crawl into a cave or dig a hole all the way to America embarrassment.
"And for someone with no martial arts training, you can really throw a punch." He rubbed his smarting jaw. "I am surprised to find that you harbor so much hatred towards me."
"I don't—-hate you."
"I remember you saying that you hated me. Unless it was a crazy radical interpretation of our words on my part—" He paused, and spun around, looking in confusion at his surroundings. "Hey what is this place? And why is it so—pink?"
For once, Megumi had no idea what to do. So in light of the sheer absurdity of their situation, she laughed. She just laughed and laughed and laughed.
Koneko had slinked away when the humans were once again embroiled in their drama.
She dragged her claws against the floor as if to sharpen them. She wanted desperately to gnaw on that she-devil fox woman's head.
She stood on her haunches. She waited. She sprang up, bearing her claws and opening her jaws, ready for some gnawing action.
Midway through her aerial acrobatics, a hand clamped down onto her tail and pulled her back.
"Naughty kitty." A voice chastised. "Patience, Kitty-san patience. Just watch. You'll have more fun that way."
"Meowr." Koneko argued.
He sighed. It was a rueful, pensive sort of sigh. "He really is a fine specimen of male-ness isn't he?"
"Meowr." Koneko concurred.
Takahata absent-mindedly stroked the cat. It took Koneko a few moments to realize that Takahata was not watching the human drama, but he was instead checking out his reflection in a mirror.
"Say Kitty. I look pretty darned cute holding you! I'm kinda diabolical, in a kitschy, Hollywood-cliche type of way. And you totally do not clash with my outfit! Would you like to be my sidekick? I can conjure up some catnip!"
Koneko carefully sniffed the other man. He smelled of vanilla with a hint of cherries.
He was no ninja boy, but he will do.
"Meowr." She agreed.
-ChiisaiLammy
End part 4.
Feedback always welcome!