To Be Alone

ah...hello people! sorry, it's been about a month since i've updated eh? well, i had to reformat my bloody computer so i no longer have microsoft word which means no spell check or grammar check. either way, i'm sorry if my grammar is not up to par in the last chapters. if anyone can tell me where i can download a word processing program that'd be great!

Chapter 9: Four Fanged Offense.

Priscilla's POV.

We are traveling to the military region of Bern today. I must say that I have never been there so I am actually quite excited to be going. It is unfortunate that we have to travel all over Elibe for such grave reasons but I suppose I should take what I can get and stop complaining. My lord brother has begun to follow me around constantly I am not upset by this as most of the army thinks I should be. Actually I am very glad that he has started to watch over me again, just like when we were children. However, I haven't seen Erk for some time. His tutor Lord Pent has returned and is now instructing Erk almost all the time. I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference... my lord brother probably wouldn't let me see him anyway. But... I do miss him. I feel sad when I think about someday soon breaking off all ties with my companions in Eliwood's Elite. Especially Erk. He has been my escort for so long now and... I'm afraid I will be very upset when the day to say goodbye comes. Even now I am getting overwhelmingly sad but I can't show it or my lord brother will ask what is wrong. If I were to tell Raymond about being sad about leaving Erk then I believe he would be very angry. Sometimes I think he only made that promise so he could keep me from being happy with someone else. To be absolutely truthful, if I were to leave my lord brother and find a different person to be with...it would be Erk. But, that's never going to happen. I can't even bear to have my lord brother say anything about breaking his promise even if he is making a jest. So why do I feel the way I do? I'm so confused. Would it be wrong to be with Raymond? Would I be breaking some sort of rule if I were to marry him? I don't know... why do I never get any answers?

Raymond seems to have seen the forlorn look I am no doubt giving him. When he asks what is wrong I cannot even bear to answer him. In a way I almost wish I hadn't found my brother again. Things would be so much easier but I know that thinking such things is not nice at all. I am promised to Raymond and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it.

"For the love of Elimine Priscilla, what is wrong with you?"

"...nothing, nothing is wrong lord brother," I answer and try to act as if I'm alright. But nothing is fine. I can't stand it, I can't be with both Erk and Raymond. I have to choose one or the other but I can't. My heart is breaking but I can't tell anyone why and I can't do anything to help myself.

"You don't look fine."

"B-but I AM," I reply trying to sound confident. I know that I just sound like a fool, a person desperate for people to pay attention to me. I wan't people to notice that I'm sad, that I don't know what to do. But they never do, they always leave me alone when I don't tell them what's wrong after their first time asking.

"Fine. If you won't talk to me then... alright."

He's frustrated with me. Even though my lord brother tries hard to be emotionless around me I can still see what he is feeling just by looking at him. I hope that my feelings aren't so easily read because if they were then everybody would know that I don't want to be wih Raven. I won't call him Raymond anymore or lord brother. He hates when I call him either so I will be a good sister and listen to his wishes. But I know that that's not really the reason I won't ever call him by his old names anymore. I used to be so sure that I wanted to be with him that it came naturally but now...now, I am not sure. I am not sure at all. My old feelings are still there and I cannot deny them but they have lessened.

I decide to leave Raven to his own thoughts. He probably wants that anyway. I walk along all by myself not feeling anything in particular. We have set up camp but I don't know where Erk's tent is. I never got a chance to ask. I run into many people on my walk but I don't stop to talk to many of them. I even see Lord Eliwood. He looks better than he has for awhile.

"Oh, hello Priscilla. Are you out for a walk too?"

I nod silently. But then I remember it might be seen as rude to not talk to Lord Eliwood so I say hello.

"Have you been well?" he asks with a smile.

"Yes. Thank you for asking Lord Eliwood."

"Walking always help me clear my mind... is there something bothering you that I can help you with Priscilla?" he asks kindly. How can he be so gentle and nice even after his father was killed and nobody could save him? It is my job to heal people and I failed at that. But yet he still talks to me as an equal?

"It's nothing to concern yourself with my lord."

He smiles knowingly as if he is aware that I am lying but also knows that I am intent on hiding my feelings from everyone. Lord Eliwood then says he must be going and continues walking in the opposite direction I am walking in. So I continue walking even though I have no clue where I am going nor why I am walking in the first place. I hear footseps behind me but don't turn around to see who is there.

"Why hello Priscilla! Out for a walk are you?" Without even looking I know who it is. Matthew of course.

"Hello Matthew. What are you doing out here?" I turn around so I can look at him. All I need is him stealing something off of me.

"Well... I'm doing my job is all. Lord Hector has sent me on a job but I simply can't imagine doing something so horrible! I may be a thief but I do have some pride!" He says acting appalled.

"What did he ask you to do?"

"Oh no no. I can't tell you! If I did...well, I'm afraid they would cut my tongue out or seal my lips permantly! So you see, I cannot tell you Priscilla, though it is a very horrible task," Matthew answers obviously amused with himself.

"Oh...that's quite gruesome... I suppose I really don't want to know then."

"I must be going now Priscilla. My master awaits!" the cheery thief says and jogs off the direction of Lady Lyndis' tent.

It seems that everybody is out for a walk today because I see Lord Pent and Canas talking as they walk with a stack of books in their arms. Lord Pent suddenly piles his books into Canas' hands and walks over. The poor purple haired shaman is obviously not cut out for carrying at least 15 large tomes all at once because he drops them all over the ground a second later.

"Lady Priscilla of Carleon it's nice to see you again," Pent says in a rather formal way.

"Marquess Reglay."

"Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. Would you please go talk to my student? He has been moping around since Nabata. I'm not worried but I'm afraid I've been ordered to ask you by Louise," Pent says with a smile.

"Your student? You mean...Erk?"

He nods and points to the tent where Canas is trying(without success) to pick up the books. "He's in there."

Should I go see Erk? What if he doesn't want to see me or what if...I don't know what to say. Do I want to talk to him? Do I want to see him? I guess there is only one way to find out.

I walk by Lord Pent and towards the tent. Before going in I help Canas pick up his books. His monocle has fallen out of his eye and he looks absolutely ridiculous trying to hold the tomes and put it back in his eye. I see it dangling from its string near his arm so I put it back in its proper place.

"Ah...thank you very much Priscilla. I'm afraid I would have been floundering around for ages if you hadn't come along."

"Lord Pent would have helped you...I think," I say uncertaintly. Pent sure isn't making himself look very good by standing there laughing at Canas.

"Oh, he would have...eventually. After he was finished laughing I'm sure."

I nod and open the flap to the tent. It's the same as mine in the sense that it is filled with books. Erk is lying on his bedroll with a book in his hand and is obviously engrossed in it because he doesn't hear me come in. I almost don't want to disturb him because he looks happy enough just reading. But I know that I have to talk to him now.

"Erk?" I ask tentatively.

He looks over and immediatly seems to go into a panic because he drops his book on his face and then scrambles to his feet.

"Hello Lady Priscilla. I trust you are well?"

I nod but don't say anything. I have no clue what to say or how to say it. I'm making a fool of myself but I can't stop.

"Is there something you need? Are you worried or upset or extremely happy for some reason?" he asks quickly. He has always had a habit of doing that, asking too many questions at once. He says it is because of his previous employer.

"I-I need to speak with you."

He looks surprised for a moment then regains his composure. "Very well. What is it?"

"...I...think... ... I think I love you Erk."

He just stands there blinking for a second then blushes bright red. "... I don't know what to say Lady Priscilla."

"Oh..."

"Not like that. I like you very much Lady Priscilla. I have for a long time but... I've been too much of a coward to actually tell you..." he admits. He's mumbling but I can still understand him luckily.

"That makes me so happy but...I can't... be with you ever Erk. I just can't. I'm promised to someone already."

I feel so horrible saying that. He won't look at me anymore and he's just standing there silently. Why did I tell him? Why did I have to ruin it by telling him? It hurts so badly but it's probably worse for him I can feel tears streaming down my face like a waterfall and I am unable to stop them.

"I'm sorry...it's Raven..."

He doesn't say anything but he has a strange aura around him that's as cold as stone. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry... why couldn't I just suffer in silence? Why did I have to hurt someone else too?Why am I so selfish? I hate myself Erk... why couldn't I just leave you alone?

"Very well Lady Priscilla."

"Don't call me that please...I don't deserve it. I'm sorry..." I'm still crying but I wish I could stop. Why do I have to cry and possibly make him feel worse? I am selfish. I'm a horrible person.

"You are my employer. I have to call you that."

"Please...I can't bear it," I say sadly.

"...And I cannot bear to call you just Priscilla as if you are just a normal person."

Why would he say that? Didn't he hate me for saying I loved him then saying I was promised to someone else? I don't think I can take staying here with him, seeing his face more sad then I have ever seen it. So I turn and leave.

"Goodbye..." I whisper.

He says nothing but as I leave I hear him lie down and sigh. I wish I hadn't told him and I wish I didn't have to go back to Raven and pretend as if nothing is wrong with me. Why am I so horrible to others?

Well. That's the end of Priscilla's side of things. The next chapter shall be in Erk's POV and shall be the last chapter! Oh my gosh, the end is near! I hope you liked it and I hope it wasn't too short, I guess I'll see when I put it up on the site. Either way,

Matthew: READ AND REVIEW!