To Be Alone
Well, loyal reviewers(okay...there's only about 2 of you) I'd like to thank you for taking the time to review my fanfiction and even give me some tips. This is the last chapter. What will Erky do! His lover can't be with him! wah! anyway,
Kenshkrix: thanks for pointing that out...he he... i am a blonde you know...it didn't exactly occur to me. anyway, thanks for reviewing.
no name: thanks for reviewing the 8th chapter when nobody else did. Also sorry for not responding before, i kinda forgot about reviewer responses!
Chapter 10: Unfufilled Heart.
you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song-- First Love--Utada Hikaru
Erk's POV
Well, that's it then. Priscilla is promised to someone already, her brother no less. However, I don't blame her...she wants someone who can protect her properly. I can't do that. I'm only a mage after all. Everyone knows that you can't have a simple magic user protecting a healer unless it's someone like Lord Pent. I guess I'm just not strong enough. I wish it had been someone I didn't know though, the person she's promised to that is. I think it would be easier if I didn't have to see the person everyday with her. Whom am I trying to kid? It wouldn't be any better. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself, my feelings. Lady Priscilla looked very upset, she even started to cry. Whether it was on my account I don't know but I suppose I never will. Not only does her brother chase me away but I don't think I could even talk to her again. It would be too awkward I think. I suppose it makes no difference, it's all over now. Why I even thought she would still be available I don't know. I'm lying again though, I know exactly why I thought, no, hoped that she would have noone that she was promised to. It's because I wanted to be with her...but I needn't have tried to get up the courage to tell her, I shouldn't have hoped. I can't really seem to do anything that would show that I've just had my heart broken, cry or otherwise. I guess I don't really get overly emotional. Besides... it's not as if crying or screaming will do anything besides make a scene.
But I'm worried for Lady Priscilla. She seemed sad and I don't know why she would even tell me if it hurt her to do so. Maybe she just wanted to be honest or something. I think I would have preferred to sit on the sidelines and keep my feelings to myself but perhaps this is for the best... I don't think so. I think I like to lie to myself, I suppose heartbreak shows one alot about oneslef. Well, I may as well practice lying on myself because Elimine knows I will have to lie to Lady Louise and Lord Pent alot from now on. Lady Louise will surely try to comfort me if she finds out, but I don't think I want that. Lord Pent will probably act like a father to me as usual and give me some talk but I don't want to waste their time. When this is all over I don't know where I will go, with Lord Pent maybe but...I don't know. Truthfully I cannot even think of the future today. Maybe I'll read a book though I daresay they haven't helped me with talking to people.
I'm lying here with my nose in a book not really thinking of anything. I don't want to think actually. Whatever it is that I think of will probably remind me of...her. Maybe I've gone crazy and don't even realize it. I hope not, if I was crazy I wouldn't be able to continue my studies. That in itself is proof of my insanity. Who thinks of their studies when they have just been told that the person they love can't be with them? The answer is simple, I do, because that's all I have. My books, my anima magic and Lord Pent and Lady Louise naturally. The thing is though, all of those things are related to my studies, except Lady Louise, she tries to make me go outside instead of reading. I'm afraid I'm a bit of a disapointment in that category, Lady Louise wanted a child that would run around and play but instead she got almost a clone of her husband, not that I am saying I'm anywhere near Lord Pent's skill in Anima magic. Sometimes she forces me to go out though, she just bursts into my room and drags me along with her to the gardens. That makes me smile. I like living with them, where would I be without Lord Pent and Lady Louise?
But I can't forget about Lady Priscilla. I keep remembering her words and her face when she said them. I was such an idiot, I just stood there like a dolt letting her get upset then not saying anything. Why did I do that? Was it because I wasn't expecting her to be promised to someone? You really are stupid. If it hurts to think of it don't. But I can't even take my own orders. I suppose I probably look quite pathetic, lying here thinking of my own rejection. I can't stop though, it's a horrible thing, lying here allowing my mind to thoughts to run away with me. Ridiculous. Yes, it is ridiculous so why aren't you stopping? What are you, a student of Lord Pent or a wannabe mage? Hm, the insanity must be getting worse, I'm even insulting my own intelligence now. Oh well, maybe if I lay here long enough it will all go away.
I'm thinking of possible solutions for my insanity when the tent flap is pulled back. When I look up I see Lady Lyndis standing there. She has a sympathetic look on her face. I don't know why she would feel sorry for me, I'm not crying am I?
"Ah...Erk, I heard what happened... I'm sorry."
"Hello Lady Lyndis. Why are you sorry, it's not as if what happened was your doing," I answer with a shrug.
" Your taking this whole thing well."
I don't answer. I hope this won't become a regular occurance, people interupting my thinking to say they're sorry for something they had no hand in.
"...If you ever need to talk, I'm here. All I need is one of my friends unhappy," she says with a small smile.
She considers me a friend? Well, alright then. I suppose she is my friend as well, she is my liege. Almost.
"Thank you milday..."
She smiles again and leaves. I am relieved that she only stayed for awhile. Lady Lyndis is my friend as she calls it, but I don't want her to feel sorry for me. I suppose I'm not really one that gives or likes to recieve sympathy. Oh well. I only hope that Lady Louise doesn't get wind of this...she'll be even more upset than I am.
Of course such news is probably already all over the camp by now, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the thieves was spying on us. Speaking of which, we have another, an assassin rather. Lord Hector doesn't seem to like him, nor Matthew. It's none of my buisness though so I won't ask. We also have a new mage, Nino I believe her name is. Lady Lyndis is quite taken with her already as are most of the other women and of course Sain. I wonder if she will become a student of Lord Pent's? That would be nice, I'm sure Lady Louise would be pleased seeing as this Nino is alot less interested in studying than I am. We'll have to see I suppose.
I can't just stay in here all day, I could but I don't think it would be wise. Lady Louise will be able to find me much easier here. So I stand up and leave my tent. We aren't allowed to go out alone anymore because of the threat of the Black Fang so I just stay around the camp. There's no sign of Lord Pent or Lady Louise, that's good news, for now. I see Canas in the distance and Lord Pent too. I quickly dive into a bush and almost have a heart attack seeing as Matthew is hiding in there as well.
"Well, Well, come to hide in the bushes too? Who are you trying to spy on?" he asks with his usual impish smile.
"...I'm not spying on anyone."
"Oh. So hiding then? From Lord Pent? Or perhaps Mistress Reglay?" Matthew asks, he seems quite interested in what I'm doing, why?
"...That's none of your buisness now is it?"
He shrugs."I'm a spy dear Erk. Everything is my buisness."
Why does he call me that? I suppose he wishes to irritate me, I believe he is succeeding. Maybe I should choose another bush to hide in.
"Ah, not talking today? Very well, I will talk," Matthew says.
"Go ahead if you wish."
"Oh I do wish. So, have you got your eye on Nino now? I hear she is quite a skilled magic user. Ah, I suppose I shouldn't be saying that... You aren't a womanizer like ...Sain," he whispers. I think he likes to talk even more than Serra which is saying alot.
"Oh, have you met...Jaffar yet? I don't really like that bloke much. Bit too...what's the word that eludes me? Ah, yes, murderous. For my taste. No, no, no Young Master is not too fond of him either I'm afraid. ... So, have you?"
"...I can't say I have met that...bloke as you call him," I answer quietly. Matthew really has some odd speech patterns I'll tell you. Sometimes he speaks like everyone else then he'll borrow someone else's words, crazy.
"No loss really. Doesn't talk much. Not at all actually. Oh well, I don't think I need him to speak though, even if it does make for boring spywork when I follow him."
Why must he talk so much? I almost wish Matthew would be a silent as this man Jaffar is supposed to be. Hm, Lord Pent is go-"GAH! What's going on?"
I must say, being dragged out of a bush by the collar of your shirt is not pleasant. I don't know who grabbed me until I look up from my vantage point on the ground and see it is the knight Oswin who's picked me up.
"Marquess Reglay's looking for you."
"Huh? Lord Pent? Why? Was it really necessary to grab me by the shirt Sir Oswin?" I ask, my heart is still pounding from the initial shock of being grabbed in mid though.
"Sorry. I can't say I thought to say something..."
"O-oh. Well...alright then. Thank you for telling me," I say once I regain my composure.
"And you, Matthew, you scoundrel, filling children's minds with nonsense!"
"Nonsense?It isn't nonsense! It would have to be not sensible to be nonsense and I assure you all my information is true," Matthew protested loudly.
"You shouldn't be talking about Lord Hector's feelings to other people!" Oswin replied, giving a warning glare to thief.
"...You only said not to fill children's minds with nonsense, which, by the way, I am not doing, not I shouldn't talk about Young Master."
"...I mean both!"
"Both what? Sir Oswin, you are a confusing man," Matthew answered with a sigh.
"Why don't you start acting like one then maybe I won't be so confusing to you."
"One of what? Both of what? Honestly, now I know where Young Master gets it."
"Ah...get out of here. I don't want to see your face again today," Oswin mutters to himself.
"Don't worry, you won't."
Matthew, the opportunist to the end, takes that opportunity to get out there. I am of course very confused by the exchange of words I have just witnessed. Still, I decide to get out of there even though I am running to my doom. Lord Pent will probably interogate me until I finally crack and make up some lie. Or I could tell him the truth, but I don't think so.
I am walking at a rather leisurely pace though I know I should be running to go find Lord Pent. I suppose I have started to lie to myself again, I am going crazy maybe. Or maybe not, who knows, I don't think one knows when one is crazy, they just are. Well, then what is wrong with me? Maybe I have bumped my head and now I am having a bout of temporary insanity but I still don't think so. I suppose we will see when I talk to Lord Pent. As I am walking I see a flash of red and look over. I'm not sure but I think I was hoping it would be Lady Priscilla. It isn't though, it's her brother Raven. Just the mention of that name...it fills me with anger and I suppose hatred as well. It's his fault...but I know that isn't true, if I hadn't been such a coward maybe Priscilla's answer would have been different. Or...it could have been the same. I'm just fooling myself and being stupid. Why must I think on things that are over and done with? I realize I'm staring at Raven a second before he looks my way. He gives me a cold glare but keeps moving. Damn him.
When I finally do find Lord Pent I am in a horrible mood and even worse is that he notices.
"You look angry Erk, any particular reason why?"
I shake my head. I don't need to burden him with silly things such as my jealous feelings toward Raven. Lady Louise is there too but she doesn't say anything. I'm glad...I don't want to be a burden to her either.
"Well, Louise is really the one that wanted to talk to you...I daresay she knows how to get what she wants eh?" Lord Pent says with a grin. She wants to talk to me? Oh dear...that can only mean one thing. She's heard.
I had hoped that Lord Pent would stay to at least make sure Lady Louise didn't interogate me too badly but of course once again, I shouldn't have hoped.
"I'm off then. Canas wants me to help him with something or other."
Now it is only me and her. At first she doesn't move or make a sound. I actually thought that she would just sit there until I told her what had happened, which I never would. Again, no such luck. It appears she was merely gathering her thoughts before talking, much like the calm period before a storm.
"I heard what happened with you and Priscilla Erk."
I just nod. If I say anything the onslaught of questions will begin sooner. Either way it will come.
"Do you feel alright? I mean when I thought that I hadn't been picked by Lord Pent to be his wife because of my archery skills well, let's just say I was...distraught. Of course I don't expect you to react like I did simply because you're more logical aren't you?" she says after a short pause.
"...I feel fine Lady Louise...thank you for asking..."
"Erk...you're like a son to me. I don't want you to hold back anything if you ever need to talk. Believe me, I want you to get upset and talk to me! Oh dear...that came out wrong didn't it?" she replies with a small smile.
"No...I understand."
"You act like Lord Pent you know. I don't think I like it. Now I will ask you once again...are you sure you're alright?" Lady Lousie asks.
Should I tell her? Should I speak about my true feelings? I don't know... but then I look at her face. She always said that if I ever needed anything I only had to ask and that no matter what she and Lord Pent would always be there for me so why can't I tell her? They're the closest thing I have to family but yet I don't even talk to them like they are.
"...L-Lady Louise...I-I don't want to be a burden to you or Lord Pent..."
She looks absolutely appalled that I would even suggest such a thing but smiles. "Of course. That's only natural. After all, we aren't your biological parents."
Is she trying to make me feel guilty? Somehow I don't think so but I remain apprehensive.
"...That isn't it...I- you and Lord Pent are my parents...as far as I'm concerned...I have no other family except for you."
Lady Louise runs over and immediatly embraces me. "Oh Erk, that is the nicest thing you could ever say to me!"
"...Um...Okay."
"Now then, tell me exactly what happened okay?" she says sternly.
I suppose I must give in now, she won't let me go until I do. I don't want to say anything because I'm not used to it and I don't want to inadvertantly start to cry or something but I have to tell her.
"...She said that she felt the same way I did...but...s-she's promised to some-someone else...I never said goodbye or that I wasn't angry with her even though I looked it...and now I fear it's too late."
"I'm sure Priscilla knows you aren't angry with her. Us women aren't that dimwitted. I wish you could have been together for your sake and hers. I'm so sorry Erk," Lady Louise says and pulls away simply because she knows I'm uncomfortable being embraced for so long.
"Lady Louise please excuse me... I'm going to return to my tent now." I can't stand do be here any longer. If I stay, I know that I will make a fool of myself so I return to my tent.
I lay down on my bedroll and sigh. I don't want to read, or go anywhere, I don't want to sleep or eat anything so what should I do? Just lie here? But soon I find myself thinking of her, how I can't seem to imagine not being around her or ever seeing her smile again. I had always assumed she would always be there, that I had all the time in the world to tell her my feelings, but it's was all an illusion. I've been so stupid... So I'll just lie here in the dark in a tent feeling quite sorry for myself.
All of a sudden all of the sadness of the whole incident hits me at once. I don't want to cry but I don't think I can help it. Why does it hurt so badly? Why can't I calm down and get myself under control and stop feeling so sad? The answer is simple, I'm human. All people feel emotions and have a sense of right and wrong I just fooled myself into thinking that when the time came that I would be okay, that I wouldn't be affected by things I thought to be trivial, like love.
I can't cry...I'm a student of Lord Pent, I don't cry. It's not allowed, it's just stupid. But if I feel that way...why am I allowing myself to cry? Hot tears run down my face. I'll never see Lady Priscilla again, only from afar...her brother will never let me see her or talk to her again. I'm not exactly crying loudly but I'm still ashamed and let my purple hair fall over my face. Maybe that will muffle the sound so that no one hears me. Priscilla...why didn't I just tell you? Why didn't I tell you before your brother came back? I've always had feelings for you but I never wanted to admit it... I could have told you and maybe everything would be different.
"It's alright Erk. Everything will work out eventually." It's Lady Louise. Did she follow me or was a louder than I realized?
I don't answer her but I do try to stop myself from crying now that someone else is here. All Lady Louise needs is a idiot mage that lives with her and her husband that is emotional. But I can't stop even when I try.
"You're so ridiculous sometimes Erk. Don't stop crying because you think you have to. You're only a child, you're expected to cry about these things. Alot of adults cry when someone they like can't be with them," she says kindly.
"...Lady Louise...I-I'm sor-sorry..."
She just laughs, "Whatever for?"
"For being like...this."
"See? Like I said, you are ridiculous. If Lord Athos believes I'm funny he should meet you you're even more humourous than I am!" Lady Louise cries but sits down next to me and gives me a sort of one arm hug.
I don't say anything. Why is she doing this? I know she and Lord Pent are like my parents but the way she acts it's as if I'm her own child. Perhaps I've been ignoring that though, she's always acted like this.
I've been blind these past years I think. Maybe it's because of my age that I just pretend to not notice things. Lady Louise has always been motherly towards me and Lady Priscilla has always been promised to someone else which is probably why she refused Lord Erik's request to marry him. Those thoughts don't comfort me much though, I still have Lady Louise and Lord Pent but Lady Priscilla is gone. I don't think she is ever coming back because I can't do anything to change anything.
I'm not alone, I never really was, but even though I have so many people around me who will take care of me I suppose that I will still be sad about Priscilla for a long time. Maybe forever. She was the first person I ever really loved and I still do but I suppose it is useless having these feelings for her. Why isn't there a happy ending like in the books children always read? Because...this is real life. There's no such thing as a perfect ending...
Well...'Tis over! It's all finished. Poor Erky though, I kinda feel bad. I know he's not exactly the kind of person to cry but he's sad so leave 'im alone:P Either way, I'd like to thank reviewers, my parents(it is their computer) and the academy...wait a minute...this isn't the academy awards! Ha ha, anyway, thanks for reading this and taking the time to review. I shall miss you all, at least until I make another fic that you read. coughfinalfantasy7cough. I bid thee adieu.