Part 4
"Well?" Mrs. Landingham was still asking, her voice growing agitated.
"I picked her up and brought her here. Not a lot to tell." Toby said, fidgeting with his tie.
"Tobias Ziegler, you better have asked her out," She snapped. Why was he so stubborn? And why did he always play with his tie when he was trying to dodge questions?
"No, in fact, I didn't," He snickered, gaining confidence as he noticed her getting irritated. He didn't want to discuss this with her. He didn't want to face his feelings for CJ. She was right that he hid too much away from the World. But this was for a reason. He could not hurt CJ.
"Why?" She asked, taking a cautious deep breath as she witnessed a flicker of fear in Toby's eyes as he thought about this.
"Because, she is just a friend." He tried to sound believable. He had told himself that line over and over again since the day he met her. She was his best friend. Never to be anything more, and hopefully anything less.
"You love her." She said, almost as if confessing it to him for the first time. It wasn't a question. It was a statement. One she thought he needed to hear outloud.
"No I don't." He tried hiding behind the wall he had built regarding this subject in his mind. That wall was crumbling quickly under the doubts that Mrs. Landingham flooded his mind with. He wanted to curse her for it, but he knew it wasn't her fault he had built this wall decades ago. Hiding things from not only other people, but from himself too.
"Yes you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
"Okay, didn't we do this before? Stop it." Toby tried to sound angry at her, but his voice came out as soft as silk. Frankly, a voice he didn't think he even had until that moment.
"So nothing happened?" She continued on. She was just as shocked at the tone of his voice as he appeared to be.
"She said that she would buy me lunch." He confessed against his better judgement. Again, he felt ten-years-old, facing his mother for breaking the kitchen glass window with a baseball.
"It's nine at night," Mrs. Landingham mentioned after regarding Toby's wrist watch that was sitting near the corner of his desk. It having been removed that afternoon for reasons he no longer remembered.
"Yeah, well. We didn't have time to eat today. If you hadn't noticed, it's been quite busy around here today." He waved his hand around the numerous mountains of information leaning awkwardly to the sides on his desk, indicating the work he still had to do.
"I noticed," Mrs. Landingham condoned the fact that it had probably been a madhouse all-day. But, she needed him to think outside work. To see he had a life besides this job. "Ask her to dinner tonight." She mentioned, again in the tone of it being told as an order, not an idea for him to ponder.
"No."
"Yes." She smirked as they started the popular back-and-forth banter that always seemed to enter into the conversations they had.
"I'm not about to start that again," Toby ended it quickly, growing impatient. He didn't like to talk about his personal life at all. And even if he might have just shown her a little bit of the hidden feelings in his head, time was up and he slammed the door into his mind shut. When he opened his eyes once again to confront her, she was gone. And he knew, in his gut, she wasn't coming back. She knew he saw what needed to be done. Now it was up to him to actually get it done and fix his life before it spirals out of control.
"Toby?" His name came from a different source this time. But stung his heart, knowing he would never see Mrs. Landingham again.
Toby looked over at his office doorway and saw CJ standing there holding her briefcase, her coat hanging off her shoulders, indicating to Toby that she was on her way home. He quickly remembered that she hadn't driven herself in this morning. He smiled at the prospect of taking her, pretending to be her hero, if only for an hour. He shut the doors in his mind, and they would remain shut if he had his way. Hiding the truth about his feelings for CJ in a door with an extra lock on it. He didn't want to hurt her.
"Hey CJ," Toby smiled at her. He hoped she had only just arrived, and hadn't heard his discussion with Mrs. Landingham.
"Hey," She greeted him with one of her perfect smiles. "Who were you talking to?" She asked as she looked around, noticing he stood in his office alone.
"What?" Toby asked dumbly. Damn, she had heard him talking. Did she hear anything about what he said? Oh God, did she hear him talking about her? He looked at her face, trying to find a hint of what she might have heard. Nothing.
"You were talking to someone." She mentioned as she stepped further into his office.
"No I wasn't." Okay, he hated playing dumb. But he didn't really have a choice right now. His mind was drawing a blank for a believable cover story.
"Yes you were."
"No I wasn't."
"Yes you were."
"Why does this keep happen to me?" Toby moaned, he really didn't like this annoying back-and-forth banter he was running into lately.
"What?" She eyed him, concern and confusion spreading over her face.
"Nothing," Toby knew he had to change the line of questioning. "What's up?" He opted for something Josh Lyman would say.
"I came by to ask if you wanted to get a bite to eat for dinner? I know I said lunch, but you know how today went." She smiled apologetically. She knew he understood what she was talking about.
"I told you that you didn't have to buy me anything." He mentioned, allowing her another chance to change her mind.
"I know, and I told you that I wanted to," She replied. She liked the idea of this being a possible date, but kept that part to herself. She then smiled the smile he could never resist.
"You did, huh?" Toby nodded as he remembered how he gave her an out this morning when she mentioned lunch, and how she ignored that too.
"Yeah," CJ laughed.
"I would love to." It slipped out before he had a moment to ponder the words he should use to voice his acceptance to her invitation.
"Good. But I'm hungry now, so get your flat butt in gear." She said in a tone that was joking, yet serious at the same time. All she had eaten that day was a stale bagel during the morning staff meeting, and some nasty blueberry Danish she stole off of Carol's desk around lunch time.
Toby started laughing. He let the 'flat butt' remark pass for now. She was the only one he knew who could convey those two meanings at once, just by the tone in her voice. He got up and started to reach for some papers to take home with him. Then he saw Mrs. Landingham shaking her head at him in his mind, as she had done last night. He smiled and looked back at CJ.
"What?" She asked. Curious about the look in his eyes. He looked at her with eyes that looked like he was plotting something. Evil, perhaps? She raised her brow at him.
"I'll leave these for tomorrow." He waved his hands around the mountains of papers on his desk. He liked the idea of leaving work in the office. He liked the idea that CJ was looking at him with curiosity.
"What has gotten into you lately?" She had to ask. This was totally out of character for him, but she found herself wanting to copy, or at least look into his motivation.
"Why take something home with you that you already know inside and out? I read over these papers a million times this week. Why should I read them again, and at home? I already know every word," Toby paused and saw CJ smile, looking almost proud of him. "Is that bad?" He tilted his head slightly, giving her a look that begged her to question his motives.
"No. It's good," She smiled, unwilling to take the bait from him. He looked almost content, and she didn't want to question that. He deserved it more than anyone. "Mind if I leave my papers here with yours?" She blurted out, almost subconsciously. The idea of going home with no work in hand seemed...well, seemed almost unreal in her mind. Yet she asked anyway.
"Be my guest," Toby nodded, almost looking like he was a bobblehead stuck on the dash of a speeding car.
CJ put her briefcase down on Toby's desk, next to his. She took a deep breath and started to walk out of the office without looking back. Toby smiled at her determination and followed her out, empty-handed as well. When they got outside his office, they both stopped and looked at each other. He smiled at her near shocked expression.
"It's not too bad, is it?" He asked softly.
"It feels good." She answered sincerely. Almost embarrassed at the fact that they weren't even out of the White House yet, and she was already looking for reassurance.
"Yeah, it does," He agreed and gave her arm a reassuring squeeze.
"Maybe I will get some sleep later tonight." She mentioned. She had felt tingles just from his simple touch. She wondered how her body would feel if he touched her more. And in more places than just her arm. She hid a blush that began to creep up.
"Trust me, you will." He smiled, noticing for the first time her sudden reaction to his touch. Or maybe that was just in his head.
CJ smiled as they gathered themselves together, and began walking out of the White House to go have dinner. Work having been left in his office for the second night in a row for Toby, and the first night for CJ.
"So, I get to pick where we're eating right?" CJ asked, in her special tone that meant two different things entirely.
"Well, you're buying. So I guess," Toby found himself bantering back. Now he liked this banter. Like old times, before jobs took over their lives.
"Good then." She said in a tone letting Toby know even if he had disagreed, she still would have gotten her way. She was forming a cat-ate-the-canary grin on her face that she couldn't seem to shake. It grew from each glance over her shoulder to make sure Toby was still following her. Smirking as his eyes glued to that tempting slit on her dress.
Toby allowed CJ to drive his car into town. Okay, he handed over the keys when she demanded him to, because it was a surprise where they were going, and she needed to drive them there. She hated giving out driving instructions from the passenger's seat. By then the curiosity he had from watching that smile on her face as they walked out to the car wouldn't allow him to deny her. Plus, he would be free to use that time as a passenger to allow his eyes to focus on one thing only. Her legs, and the question he had as to how high that slit actually went.
About 30-minutes later, CJ pulled over to the side of the road and parked in the last parking spot available. Toby could tell she knew what she was doing, and was more than a little bit curious at seeing where she was taking him for dinner.
"We're here," CJ stated excitedly. She quickly unhooked the seatbelt and got out of the car. Toby greeted her from his side and allowed her to take the lead. He couldn't help but smile at the idea of being out with her. Even if it was a payback dinner for a favour he had done for her.
"Okay," Toby looked around and noticed they were near the Potomac. People were strolling around, categorized as they passed: old couples, new couples, family walking with family, dog walkers, the occasional loner. Toby looked at CJ and smiled, wished he could take her hand and just walk the night away. He followed her up to a lone hotdog stand. She shot him a smile that melted his heart from over her shoulder. She grabbed her purse. "Hotdogs?" Toby stated the obvious. He hadn't had a hotdog in years. It actually sounded appetizing.
"Hey, don't mock the hotdog. One of the greatest foods ever created," CJ commented as she grabbed Toby's hand and pulled him closer to the stand. "Two hot dogs with mustard and onion." She smiled at the older man behind the stand. Something about her smile let Toby know this wasn't the first time she'd been here, having been helped by this man.
"Nice choice." Toby commented in a joking manner. He smiled innocently as she tried to glare at him.
"Thank you. Now what do you want?" She asked, keeping her eye on her two hotdogs being set up. Her stomach was growling at her to hurry up.
"I thought you just ordered me one." Toby asked, looking between the hotdogs and CJ.
"Are you kidding?" She laughed loudly, gripping his elbow. "I haven't eaten all day. These two dogs are mine." She was trying to sound serious, and tried to make a look form on her face that would make him shudder at the thought of stealing one of her hotdogs, but she couldn't stop smiling at his expression.
"I'll have the same," He told the vender, shaking his head. Not in disbelief, but of the fact that she was acting almost adolescent. He liked the idea of her letting go of work, and being this way with him. He found himself laughing softly at her. With her.
"What are you laughing at?" She asked as she paid the vendor for the four hotdogs before he started to prepare Toby's order. She noticed the vendor was smiling and shaking his head at the two of them.
"You haven't changed a bit in sixteen years, Claudia Jean," He stated as fact as he watched his dinner being finalized. His stomach growling impatiently.
"Yes I have. I am all grown up," She defended herself as she gathered her dinner, and a handful of napkins. She waited until he had his order and they began walking toward an empty bench.
"You might look it, but you don't act like it," He bantered back purposely. Watching her reaction from the corner of his eye.
"You want me to hit you with something? Hard?" She threatened halfheartedly, bumping into him on purpose. She smiled when the action won her a chuckle out of him.
"No ma'am." He lowered his head, still laughing. He made himself sound like a small boy who was just caught vandalizing after school.
"Good," She tried to ignore the feeling she got in her stomach at his innocent look. She was having a good time with him tonight. Bantering and leaving work at work. And she was laughing. Something she hadn't done in a while. "Sit." She ordered as they came up to the bench at last.
"Okay, okay. Calm down now," Toby obeyed with a smile. He sat down and looked up at CJ, his bottom lip sticking out on purpose.
She couldn't handle cute Toby. All she wanted to do was take that bottom lip between her teeth and suck on it. Playful Toby was what got her heart racing. She sat down and took the path that was less traveled, and started in on her next question. "Can I ask you a question Toby?" CJ asked, still debating the need to ask the following.
"Depends on the question," Toby answered, trying to hide the worried tone in his voice as he took a bite out of his hotdog.
"What is up with you lately? You haven't been acting normal since last night: The speech in Leo's office, picking me up for work at the last minute without any fuss, which you have never done before. Is everything okay?" She asked everything so quickly, she half-thought he would make her repeat it. And she really didn't want to have to ask it all again. She didn't want to dampen the mood they were in.
"Why does everyone think it's a bad thing if I'm in a good mood?" He asked, keeping his voice in check.
"Because you're never in one." She replied shortly.
"Funny girl," Toby said sarcastically. He was soon debating if that was the reason she might not want to be with him. He was a mean, old man with nothing to offer but a ride in a car he will never stop making payments on. Some catch, he thought.
"I mean it, Toby. I have known you for sixteen years. The only time you acted like this was when…." CJ caught herself before she could say anymore. She didn't want to bring up the past. Certainly this part of his past. It would only serve to piss him off, and she didn't want to end the night yet.
"What?" Toby looked over at her, his eyes glazed with understanding and confusion over what she was saying. Understanding she was worried about him. Confusion over what she should be worried about.
"Nothing. Never mind." CJ decided not to go there. Partly because she didn't think she could handle it.
"No, what?" Toby pushed the subject with a tender tone in his voice. Wanting to understand what was going on in CJ's mind at that moment.
CJ sighed. She opened the gates with the questioning, and now she had to step in the mess she made. "Toby. The last time you acted like this was when you were with Andrea." She said, almost in a whisper. She looked around, looking almost as if someone might be listening in. But the truth was she just didn't want to see his reaction.
"What?" He questioned, totally confused by her demeanor after the question came out of her mouth.
"Are you seeing anyone right now?" CJ asked, scared about what his answer might be. Had she waited too long?
"You can say that," Toby mumbled, unsure of what was going through her mind. All he could think of was Mrs. Landingham, and her sudden reappearance in his life. Not like a peaceful dream, but in a form of a ghost hellbent on turning his whole world off its axis.
"Oh, well. That's great Toby. Who's the lucky lady?" She tried to make her voice sound excited for him, happy that he was finally moving on. Inside, she was hurting all over again. Just like the day he told her he was getting married.
Toby stopped and realized what he just said. Her voice was betraying her at that critical moment. He caught onto the fact that she seemed saddened by the idea of him seeing someone. Dating someone. Someone that wasn't her. Or, his ears were playing tricks on him again. He looked at her for clarification. Hoping her features would give away something.
"Oh, nobody. It's just..." Toby stumbled over his words as CJ's eyes met his. He needed to tell her the truth. Even if she would think of him as being insane, or someone she would not touch with a ten-foot pole. He frowned at the idea of them never being together.
"You just said you were," CJ cursed herself for pushing onward with this line of questioning. She didn't want details. She didn't want a name. She didn't want to deal with this again. She swore to herself that after his divorce, she would go to him about her feelings for him once he healed from the blow of a failed marriage. She never did. And she cursed herself again at that moment.
"No, I thought you meant if I am literally seeing anyone right now. And I said yes, because I see you now, and I see the hotdog guy right now," Toby rattled off the words, listening to them as if his own voice was foreign to him. He sounded like an idiot. He sounded like he was guilty of something, and he wasn't quite sure of what. He hated the look in her eyes. He hated the fact that she was able to hide her true feelings from him with that droop expression she mustered up expertly throughout the years.
"Toby?" She watched his face change expressions at least a dozen times in the last minute. He was holding something back from her. Something he didn't want her to know. She couldn't help but be curious. Maybe he was getting back together with Andrea. Maybe they had worked things out without her knowledge. She wanted him happy. And as much as she wanted to be the one giving him that happiness, she would learn to live if he received it elsewhere. Just as long as he was happy. He deserved it, she thought. Maybe more then she deserved it.
"Yeah?" He was still puzzled by the look in her eye as they concentrated on each other during this moment. Part of him thought he saw a twinge of jealousy. Part of him thought he saw it as hate, or possibly just annoyance. He knew she didn't believe him. Didn't believe a word coming out of his mouth. He thought that might be a good thing, in this case. He could never lie to her. At least not well.
"Why are you lying to me?" CJ asked, almost abruptly. She was fighting off the dozen thoughts, feelings from her mind. She wanted to be in the moment, listen to him, be happy for him. She didn't want to feel deflated or ignored. Or lied to. He was a terrible liar when it came to her. She could always see beyond his words. And she never resisted an opportunity to call him on it. She sure as hell would call him on it tonight, at that moment. Because part of her didn't believe that he was seeing someone romantically. Especially Andrea. But he was hiding something.
"I'm not," Toby said slowly. Not wanting to risk his voice breaking off as she continued capturing his gaze. He couldn't look away. He didn't want to. He loved this woman. And the idea scared him to death. That, and the Mrs. Landingham issue were weighing on him like a ton of bricks.
"Yes you are," CJ nodded and decided to follow her heart. For once in her life. She put her arm around Toby and looked into his eyes. She refused to let him look away. Afraid that might break the spell she was trying to put him under. She wanted him to confide in her. She wanted him to trust her. She wanted him. Plain and simple."Tell me please. Trust me." She almost begged. Pleading with her eyes as he watched her.
"I can't tell you this," Toby spat out and then jumped up from the bench and looked down at CJ. "God knows I want to, but I can't." He said softly as he jammed his hands in his pockets, rocked back on his heel, and looked down into her eyes. God, she was captivating.
"You don't trust me?" The words sounded more like an accusation than a question. The words coming out of his mouth were not fitting with the look in his eyes. The way he looked at her. The way his body seemed to vibrate from his stance, feeling the vibration from him from her head to toe. She was trying not to act hurt, or possibly betrayed. Something was going on with him.
"I do trust you. CJ, you are my best friend and I tell you everything..." His voice trailed off as he said the rest in his head. 'Hey CJ! Guess what? I have a new gift. I can talk to dead people. Yep, I see them, fight with them, and take bad advice from them. Would you marry me now?' He groaned at how pathetic he was sounding in his head.
"Some things," CJ interrupted his train of thought with words that pierced his heart. She sat there, looking up at him for a change, and he could see her slipping away from him. Trust was slipping. Friendship, possible love being tarnished before it can even begin. He cursed himself. He wanted to jump into the Potomac and drown. He wanted to stop hurting her.
"You would think I'm nuts." He spoke the truth. The ideas from his head spilling out into words. She would think he's nuts. Seeing dead people. Arguing with death people. Listening to dead people. She would laugh in his face like it was a joke, or run screaming into the hills to get away from him. He didn't really care with either option, but he would choose the former if he had to.
"Toby, you are nuts. That's what I like about you," CJ tried to move back into their earlier bantering. Jokes and poking fun at each other. She tried to smile, but it was sheepish. She tried to laugh, but she choked. Damn this man and what he did to her. To her heart. "Sit next to me and tell me." She patted the spot Toby sat at earlier, pleading him to listen to her through her eyes.
"CJ, I can't." Toby said in almost a whisper. He held back the urge to reach out and brush her cheek with his fingers. To brush her unruly hair behind her ears for her. He wanted to lean down and kiss her. Tell her his feelings. Promise a future he knew he would make possible for her, if she would just say yes, and be with him. He did not ever break eye contact with her.
CJ got up from the bench, eyes locked, and came closer to Toby. Close to the point where she could feel his breath against her cheek. She grabbed Toby's hands with her own and held them against her chest. She continued looking into his eyes. Trying to push him over that edge he was on that was refusing him to confide his thoughts, his problems. Their faces were so close now, she could almost feel his lips on hers. Oh, how she wanted to kiss him and make his pain stop. Make her pain stop.
"CJ," Toby whispered. Saying her name in the way he did almost sounded like a warning. She was close. Maybe too close. His fingers tangled with hers, while they rested on her chest. He could feel her heartbeat, and the quickening heights it was escalating to. He could almost taste her lips. He held his ground, refusing to break the spell she had him under with her eyes.
"Tell me. Let me help you with what I can," She whispered back. Her voice trembling because of his nearness. Chest touching chest. Thighs touching thighs. She wanted in. She wanted him to allow her inside his life, that private life he kept hidden from the world.
"Not here," He couldn't do this here. Not because he was afraid she would run. But the Communications Director part of him remembered the Press, and how this would hurt the President's reelection campaign if the papers had him and the Press Secretary looking like they were about to pounce on each other in the middle of the park. Plus, if he was going to tell her about his visions from beyond the grave, he rather it be inside someplace where he can explain his insanity. If she would listen. Hell, he didn't even know how to explain it if he had to.
"Fine, then where?" She asked, quickly. She was tired of waiting. She was tired of hiding. This was something they had to talk about as soon as they could. Before he would change his mind, and leave her alone.
"Your place," He suggested without really thinking of how it sounded outloud. He sounded as if he was planning on taking advantage of her. He sounded like he wanted to have his way with her, with or without her permission. He did, but he would never force her. Ever.
"Fine." She agreed. She knew the way it sounded, but didn't care. She was too caught up in his eyes, and his scent to back off now. Even if he told her he was marrying some beauty queen tonight, she would tell him how she felt. She had to. She'd been holding it inside her heart for too long. She couldn't deal with the ache anymore. Even if he dismissed her. At least she could say she told him.
TBC