Part 5

They were quiet the entire drive back to her place. CJ unlocked the door and let Toby in first. He had been in there before, so he knew where to put his jacket. But before he even got the chance to put it down, CJ cornered him, bringing her body close to his again as they were at the park. Her eyes fixated on his. Trying desperately to reach inside his soul and fix anything that needed to be fixed. With or without his permission. The tension was as thick as mud, and she needed to cool it off for a moment.

"Okay big boy, tell me," CJ said with a tilt of her head. She had called him that once before, and he had glared at her for about an hour before giving her a lecture on proper nickname etiquette. She swore it was the longest hour of her life, but she enjoyed it more then she should have. She could listen to him read the damn phone book for weeks on end without getting bored or losing interest. She loved his voice. And loved using nicknames she knew he hated, because she could.

"Don't call me that," Toby threatened. It wasn't a threat to cause her fear, or confusion. He worried about it as soon as he said it, but eased when the left side of her mouth curled up slightly. He hated that nickname. Of course, he didn't like any sort of nickname. But he would let her call him whatever she wanted, and never get mad.

"Well?" CJ broke the coolness that had formed briefly between them during the past few seconds. She couldn't wait any longer. She felt like she was ready to bust out at the seams.

"CJ, can I ask you a question?" Toby needed to do this slow. He needed to be sure of himself before he divulged any information to her. He needed to be absolute that she wouldn't run from him. He didn't think he could handle the rejection from her tonight. Or ever again.

"Fine," CJ answered, irritated that Toby was stalling. He learned at an early age how to stall, and how to stall well. She couldn't refuse the look he was giving her when he asked her the question. He looked almost lost, ashamed maybe. What the hell was going on?

"Do you think about Mrs. Landingham at all?" Toby asked, sitting down on the couch slowly. He kept his eyes glued to hers as he sat, tilting his head to indicate she should sit next to him. He needed to sit when he asked this. He needed to be seated when he broke the news to the woman he loves that he's going crazy and having conversations with the President's dead secretary.

"Of coarse, why do you bring her up Toby?" CJ did as he indicated, and sat next to him. Her gaze shifting slightly as she got to a spot where she could see his face, yet sit comfortably. She was confused beyond anything right now. Why was he bringing up Mrs. Landingham? And why did it look like he was about to start crying at the drop of a hat. She tightened her grip on his hand, afraid to let go.

"She was always the one who looked at the positive side of things. She saw the good in everyone, including me. Sure, she called me a pain in the butt, refused me cookies, but she cared for me. She cared." Toby's voice cracked near the end. She had cared about him. She was like a mother figure in a lot of ways. His mother had died when he was just into his teenage years. He strained for any sort of good memory of her. She had thought of him as a pain in the ass too, he remembered.

CJ looked over at Toby and saw a tear fall down his face, then saw a shadow of a smile on his lips. He was thinking of something. Remembering something good, something worth smiling about. His smile faded quickly as he bounced back into the present. Another tear escaping him. She brushed the tears away with her finger. Toby lightly grabbed her hand and kept it on his face. He savored her touch. The softness of her skin. He could feel the vibration of her heartbeat through her skin. He shut his eyes for a moment, breaking the eye contact that had been so strong and present. He acted as if he was taking a mental picture of this moment, putting it away someplace safe, as if this was the last moment they would ever have together. Ever.

"I care Toby, I always have," She choked out. The sight of him with tears streaming down his face uncontrollably struck her deep inside. She had never, ever seen him cry. And she didn't really see him crying now. The tears that came down his cheeks were beyond his control. He was strong, and stubborn. She knew he would fight back the urge to cry until she was gone. But he was trusting her now in ways she only imagined. Her heart sank at the idea of him being this sad, alone. But it made her almost jump for joy at the idea of him sharing his ache with her.

"You know when I said I was seeing someone earlier?" he asked in a whisper. He remembered her face when he mentioned it before. He thought he saw a glimmer of jealousy in her eyes. But he kept telling himself he was imaging things. She cared for him. That he knew. But love? Could she possible love him like he loved her? This conversation they were about to have was going to test the boundaries of the friendship they started almost twenty years ago. What he was about to share would test everything they ever went through together. He just hoped she was still sitting next to him once he finished the story.

"Yeah. You said you saw me and the hotdog guy," She repeated the lame cover-up story he told her at the park. That lie, she could call him on. As much as she wanted to be completely in the moment with him right now, she couldn't help but think he could have offered a better excuse then that. He was a writer, after-all. But she pushed that thought aside and gave him her full attention. She wanted him to see that she cared. That there was nothing he couldn't share with her. She would never judge him the way everyone else in his life had. She wanted to show him that she was willing to fight fire with him, hold his hand on nights like these when all he wanted to do was sit and cry over something. Anything. She didn't care. She would be there.

Toby started smiling. Her repeating back that lame lie to him just proved again how stupid it was. How senseless. He should have been able to come up with something better. He wrote for the President of the United States. Why did he come up with something right out of a mouth of a 5-
year-old? She knew it was a lie. But he had to say it outloud, just as a punishment of sorts. "I lied." He spoke clear. His eyes had opened when she answered him the last time, and he was back staring into her eyes again. Willing to get lost within her. Even if for a few moments.

"I figured that, you don't lie very well," She conceded what she knew he already knew. He had told her years ago that he couldn't lie to her. And he joked that he hated her for it. He didn't. It was one of the things he endeared most about her. She went back to his question about Mrs. Landingham. The sweet old woman in charge of the President, much to his dismay at times. She lost her life in a senseless act. A drunk driver refusing to stop when required, slamming into Mrs. Landingham and the new car she had bought just that day. Life was cruel sometimes. Just plain wrong. "Why are you thinking about Mrs. Landingham?" She asked, still trying to connect the dots of Toby's sudden sadness and Mrs. Landingham. She knew he was saddened about her death, but it had been weeks. Had something about the way she died struck a cord in Toby?

"You will call the mental ward on me." Toby had to start this out on the right note. Maybe if he lightened the mood, told her in a way that made her laugh, maybe she wouldn't consider him insane. He took a deep breath and gave her a reassuring smile as the tears finally stopped rolling down his cheeks. He had never cried in front of her. In front of anyone really.

"Please," CJ said moving closer to him on the couch. Her leg brushed against his. Her fingers had tangled with his sometime during this conversation while sitting on the couch. She didn't remember when, but she smiled at the thought of how natural it was for them. She untangled her right hand from his, placing it instead on his knee to offer comfort. Without thinking, her hands began moving in lazy circles that went from his knee to the middle of his thigh. At any other time. With any other person. This gesture would have been considered sexual. But this was different. Comfort. And she knew he felt it too. He nodded his appreciation for the gesture. Winking at her as if they had some forbidden secret and her hand moving in circles on his leg was the symbol that it was okay to discuss, or just permission to consider the secret in silence. Her stomach jerked. Okay, maybe her touching him like this was a little on the sexual side. But she pushed that away from the scene at hand.

"I see her sometimes," He began. Speaking as if they were surrounded by people and he didn't want anyone but her to hear him. His head even moved closer to hers, indicating to her this was something he was intrusting to her. His words right now would never travel out of his room. Ever.

The idea that the whole problem that Toby seemed to be having because of the death of Mrs. Landingham seemed unlikely. But he kept coming back to her, like a dog to a bone. She watched him gather himself together before talking. As if the words were going to cast a spell on him if he said them the wrong way.

"Toby. She was a part of all of us, I think I see her too sometimes" CJ began to explain, but noticed Toby needed to say more. This was his session. She would have her session after his. The session she'd secretly been dreaming of, and mentally been dreading. She quickly wondered what his reaction will be when she tells him that she loves him. She shook herself within, snapping her back to the present.

"No CJ, I do see her. She talks to me," God, it sounds worse outloud. He kept a good eye on CJ's reaction. Gripping her hand tighter without knowledge of his actions. She didn't blink. She didn't even show any sort of reaction. Her eyes continued to captivate his attention.

Toby went over the words he just said again, and got up from the couch quickly and ran to the door. He couldn't do this. He can't risk losing her. He thought he was good as gone until he felt CJ grab him from behind. Her hand gripping tight on his shoulder. Willing him with her eyes to turn around and face her. To help her understand what he was talking about. How could he explain it when he didn't understand it himself? He finally turned around to face her. The feeling of loss in his stomach when he let her go and broke the eye contact that had been instrumental during this entire night. One second. Two seconds. It was too long without looking at her. Without touching her. He stood still as a board as she brought up her hand and rubbed his cheek with the softest touch he has ever felt in his life. Almost feather-like. He thought for a moment he had only imagined it. Until her other hand came up and she cupped his face. Making him look at her. Not allowing him to move, or look away.

"It's okay," She reassured. She could tell this was what was keeping him distant tonight. He was afraid to tell her he saw a dead woman. Hell, she was a woman who could have sworn she saw Elvis when she was 21-years-old and celebrating her birthday in Las Vegas with too many friends, and way too much alcohol. Of course, it turned out to be a 58-year-old female trying to impersonate the king of rock and roll. But this was real. She believed he saw her. Believed she would come to him during this time of confusion in his life. During the confusion of this whole ordeal. She had been the Presidents' shadow. And she would come to Toby with guidance, ideas, and comments because she trusted him. And knew the staff would hang onto him as an anchor until they passed this mess. When everything was back to normal. Or as close to normal without Mrs. Landingham. She was curious what the woman had to say.

"What does she say?" She asked, with a pitch in her voice that made the question sound almost like it was coming from a kid who didn't know if they were excited or something else. She knew he was afraid to tell her this. Afraid at what she would think of him. She felt back the urge to cry. He cared about what she thought of him. He didn't want to run her off.

Her question came out of left field. He thought he had her reaction pinned down. He thought she would either run like crazy away from him, without looking back. He thought she might think he was a little on the looney side, and beg him to get some help. But for her to ask him that. Ask him what she says. She looked intrigued. She didn't look sorry for him. She didn't look scared for him, of him. She was listening and understood everything he was saying. He smiled shyly as he answered. Damn everything he was afraid of when it came to her now. The look in her eye told him she wouldn't run off. She wouldn't reject him. Not now. Maybe not ever.

"That I need to have a life outside my job. That I love you and I need to make a move." He said slowly, refusing to allow her to miss even one syllable. He had to let her know how he felt. He just had to. He was done hiding that part of himself. He needed her in his life, as a friend and lover. He smiled at the idea of the latter.

"What was that last part?" She had been stunned as if she had been struck with a baseball bat for no apparent reason. The shock stilled any movement. Did she just hear him utter the words she had been saving to tell him after this? Did he really just say...

"That I love you and I need to make a move," He whispered again while looking deeper into her eyes, if it was at all possible. The line that had been drawn between the two of them had finally been stepped over. He waited for a response from her. Refusal. Acceptance. Want. Need. Love. His head moved closer to hers, bringing lips closer together.

"Well then?" She spoke almost softer than a whisper, she thought. He probably didn't hear her.

"Well what?" He smiled a smile she had never seen before. A smile that told her so much. His love for her. His want for her, total want from her. Love. Friendship. Sex. Trust. Everything. She no longer felt the shock generate through her. She was his. He was hers. And by God, she didn't even have to say it first.

"I think you should make your move," She spoke louder, her voice teasing as she watched his face grow nearer.

Toby continued smiling and finally broke the gap that had been teasing him all night. He kissed CJ gently on the mouth. A first kiss. Gentle. Letting her know that he loved her. Letting her know that she was his. And he was hers. His body shivered as she wrapped her arms around his neck and made him kiss her with all the passion he had held inside him. When they finally parted for much needed oxygen, all she could do was stare at his soft, glistening lips. That damn bottom lip he had teased her with since the day she met him.

"Toby?" She found her voice, strained because of the vibrations in her body. The feeling of his hands on her hips, tugging her closer to him.

"Yeah?" He replied in only a whisper. Unable to find any voice at all.

"I love you too." She confessed, and felt something drop from her that she had been holding onto for too many years. She felt twenty again. She felt reckless, wanted. She finally had him in her arms. And not a moment too soon, she believed.

Toby's face broke out into a boyish grin that she thought impossible for him to have. He looked happy, relieved, and in love. She knew how he felt. Because she felt the same way.

"You're beautiful," He confessed to her as she led them into the bedroom."Are you sure you want to do this?" Toby had to ask. He wanted her tonight. Right now. Hell, on the livingroom floor. But he would wait for her if he had to. He had waited this long.

"Toby, I have been wanting to do this for sixteen years," She smirked as her answer caused both of them to nearly drop to the floor right then. She blushed at her eagerness, loving the fact that he was feeling the same way.

He smiled and kissed her again. This was the woman that he had loved for a long time. He had no idea before tonight that she felt the same way. Now there they were, making love for the first time in her bed. Enjoying every minute of it. Knowing one day, they would be making love in his bed. He smiled at the idea that this would happen again. And again. And again. With all the bad things that have happened in the last few weeks out of their minds for once, they looked at each other and saw the love, and friendship they shared for so many years grow minute by minute with each kiss and touch. They were home. Home was with each other.

'BEEP,BEEP'

CJ jumped up at the sound of her alarm clock. She shut it off and looked around her room. She laughed at the sight of her clothes tossed in all different directions. She looked over and saw that Toby was still asleep. He looked so peaceful. She had always loved him, but she was never able to tell him. Smart and sexy men turned her on, and from the very first day she met him, he intrigued her more then any man she had ever met. The only problem was that he was always with someone. But now, he was with her. She bent her head down and kissed Toby on the cheek. Toby opened his eyes and saw CJ hovering over him. He couldn't help but smile up at her.

"Morning," He said softly, afraid if he spoke too loud he would wake up from a dream and he wouldn't have the sight of her next to him anymore.

"Morning," She said back. Just as quiet. Feeling the same way he did about waking up, unable to handle the idea of this only being a dream. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I could get used to seeing those dimples of yours every morning." She winked. Smiling as a blush caressed into his cheeks. She kissed him before he could come up with a good retort, not wanting to miss another second with him. She had waited too damn long. She would kiss him for the next ten years on the spur of the moment. She was happy. He was happy.

Then she rested her head down on his bare chest. He put his arms around her, held her closer to him, and kissed the top of her head.

"You think she's happy?" CJ asked Toby. Wanting him to know she didn't think any less of him because of what he shared with her last night. Her heart skipped a beat with the smile he gave her.

"Who?" He asked, even though he knew who CJ was asking about. He saw in her eyes the trust she had in him. And she loved him. Even though he had talked, argued, and yelled at a dead person.

"Mrs. Landingham." She smiled at the nervous, yet caring look on his face as he actually took the time to think about it.

"I think that she is on cloud nine right now with a huge smile on her face," He answered with a hint of sincerity and proudness in his voice.

"That's what I think too." She whispered.

She moved on top of him and stroked his face slowly. Refusing to miss an inch. She kissed him lightly on the mouth. Then she smiled her cat-ate-the-canary smile that made him thank God he was laying down, or his knees would have gone out on him.

"I love you Claudia Jean."

"I love you too Toby Ziegler."

He kissed her again on the lips. Both letting out the deep breaths they had been both holding in for too damn long.

"I should get home to change," Toby mentioned between kisses. His body didn't move an inch, just welcoming CJ to change his mind.

"I know," CJ couldn't stop herself from kissing him harder. She didn't want him to leave. But work was waiting, and they had important things to do besides each other. She grinned, and blushed as she remembered the night before in vivid detail

"Yeah," Toby said kissing her back, ignoring the need to shower and dress.

"Yeah." CJ kept kissing him. Hell, she had a shower. He wouldn't look good in her clothes, but I'm sure they can manage something. Even Josh and Sam wore the same clothes two days in a row.

"Oh, the hell with it." Toby kissed CJ harder this time and made her roll over. Both of them started laughing. This was becoming too easy for them.

"You're sexy when you're demanding." CJ teased as she ran her hand up and down his chest.

"I try." Toby joked, and gave her the best evil grin he could muster up. CJ started to laugh again but was soon hushed by Toby's lips landing on her own. She knew then that they were going to be a little late to work.

The End