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Chapter 10 o cclu men cy
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Sunday night, Harry decided to look at the books on occlumency that he got from the library. He still couldn't find anything useful in the books to tell him how to 'clear his mind'.

They just talked about stillness and serenity, of being free, of letting go of your worries and cares, going to a quiet place and relax, and taking deep breaths. Harry knew from experience that if he did that, he would just end up falling asleep, and would most likely have nightmares since he was so relaxed and wasn't able to clear his mind, because the books never mentioned how you do that. In fact, he was beginning to think that those books were written by Snape, for all the help they gave. And if Snape wrote them, of course they would be in the school library.

Monday's lesson did not go well at all. Harry couldn't keep the memories of Sirius, Cedric, Dumbledore's office or the prophecy away. Snape almost saw Harry's memory of receiving Sirius's letter and finding out about his adoption. Harry never thought he would say this, but he was glad Snape yelled at him. There was no way Harry could have pushed Snape out of his mind, he was too caught up in the emotions of his memories. Snape stopped the spell and started yelling at Harry about how he wasn't trying, how he needed to focus, how he was wasting everyone's time, etc-the usual spiel. If Snape didn't stop, who knows what would have happened. Even though Snape previously never mentioned any of the personal memories he saw to Dumbledore or even to Harry (well, except to ask who's dog chased him up the tree), Harry was sure that that wouldn't be the case if he found out about Harry's adoption. After all, Snape did mention to Dumbledore that he had been dreaming about the Ministry of Magic hallway and the locked door for months. Regardless, Harry definitely didn't want to put Snape to the test to find out what he would do.

That night, Harry decided he had to do something to keep those thoughts out of his mind and under his control. After rereading the letter from Hermione, he finally decided to use the journal she gave him as an early birthday present. Harry wasn't sure whether or not it would actually help him but at this point, he was ready to try anything. Harry started to write about the memories that were uppermost in his mind and the emotions that went with them.

PROPHECY
The feelings of doubt that he could do this. At first he didn't even believe he was a wizard & now they tell him that he needs to kill the evil dark wizard, how he wished this was all a dream. The anger that all hope for a 'normal' life was gone. The fact that the entire wizarding world expects him to do this, even if they aren't aware of the prophecy, all because of a scar on his head & Lily's love. The thought that he would have to kill someone-even if it is a dark wizard. The thought that he might DIE trying to fulfill his destiny. Especially for a destiny he didn't ask for and certainly didn't want. He didn't want to die, granted at times, he wasn't crazy over his life, but he believed that someday it would be better, but that wouldn't come to pass if he's dead.

CEDRIC & the GRAVEYARD
Guilt for convincing Cedric to take the cup with him. Guilt for not doing anything to prevent Cedric's death, he didn't even try, just stood there when a voice said "Kill the spare". Feeling jealous of Cedric before he died, and not listening when he tried to help with the 2nd task.
The fact that everyone thought that he killed Cedric and made up the story about Voldemort's return. That Fudge did not believe him, that most of the wizarding world had thought him crazy, when weeks before they thought he was a hero (not that he wanted either one, but the extremes they swung between produced an emotional roller coaster).

SIRIUS and the MINISTRY OF MAGIC INCIDENT
Remorse at leading his friends into danger; Ashamed being used & manipulated by Voldemort; Anger at himself for being gullible enough to believe the vision; Anger for not listening more to Hermione that night when she thought it was a trap; Guilt for not learning occlumency last year; Anger not being told what was going on, so he decided not to try learning occlumency last year, or sharing what was going on with him. Destroying the headmaster's office in a fit of rage; Responsibility for Sirius's death & the injuries of other order members. Anger for not remembering about Snape sooner, and not trusting that Snape understood what he was talking about in Umbridge's office. His distrust of the headmaster, after realizing how much was kept from him that could have prevented that evening from occurring.

ADOPTION
Confusion about who he is. Abandoned by his father (if he knew about his birth). Anger for not being told sooner by Sirius. Hopelessness that he might never find out about his biological parents. Frustration at not being able to remove these charms. Insecurity that kept him from telling others about the adoption, fear that they wouldn't understand or like him once they found out he wasn't Lily & James Potter's son. Despair that another chance for a family was taken away from him (again).

Harry continued to write for many hours, pouring all his thoughts and emotions into the journal. Perhaps it won't help him in occlumency tomorrow, he thought, but he did feel better about things. It was like a weight had been taken off of his shoulders. He felt as if he was free.

'Art of Occlumency' Harry thought and started to laugh. No wonder Snape says he didn't think. Harry finally realized that Snape had been giving him hints for the last year about how to clear his mind. Last year he kept mentioning about how he had to keep his emotions under control and not wear them on his sleeveHe thought Snape said this because Snape was mad over the fact that he kept losing his temper. After all, he thought, even McGonagle said that he needed to control his anger. Of course, it could've been that Snape just didn't want to see his emotions, Snape probably thinks that everyone should be more like him, not having any emotions, much less expressing them. This year Snape kept talking about the 'art of occlumency' AND that was the name of the book that Hermione bought. She must have saw that book and realized why Snape referred to it as an 'art'. Although Harry did have to wonder why the library didn't keep that book on its shelves, the books he found on occlumency were pretty useless.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Legilimens!" Snape cried as soon as Harry walked through his office door the next morning.

His first birthday cake from Hagrid...Hagrid showing him Diagon Alley...His hair growing over night after Aunt Petunia's hair cut...Meeting Ron on the Hogwart's express his first year...catching the snitch. Realizing that all these were happy memories, Harry tried to close his mind and push the professor out. He did it!

"Congratulations Mr. Potter. It's about time you made some progress. Next time try to push me out sooner, if you can. Legilimens!"

Saving the sorcerer's stone...winning the house cup...flying out of the chamber of secrets with Ginny alive. Out, out, out, Harry's mind shouted, once again pushing Snape out of his mind.

"What's with the happy memories, Potter? Did you use a cheering charm this morning?"

"No, sir. Hermione got a book on occlumency. It mentioned that our memories are connected to our emotions. She sent me a journal as an early birthday present. She thought that if I wrote in the journal about the emotions associated with certain memories that it might help me to keep my mind clear of those memories. I finally used the journal last night. I didn't know if it would help with occlumency, but I figured it was worth a try. I do know that I felt better after using the journal."

"I suspected it wasn't something you came up with on your own, Mr. Potter. I can't help but wonder where you would be if it wasn't for your know-it-all friend to guide you through life." He'll have to remember to be nicer to Granger in the fall, Severus thought. She apparently picked up on the clues that were mentioned to Potter. Now he didn't have to pretend that he cared and actually talk to the boy about how to make progress in occlumency. Yes, he thought, that girl definitely saved him from a fate worse than death...trying help the boy-who-lived by having a civil conversation with him.

Before Harry could respond, Snape once more cried "Legilimens!"

Sirius asking him if he wants to leave the Dursley's and live with him...Rescuing Sirius and Buckbeak... waking up on Christmas his first year at Hogwarts with presents. Harry gathered all the feelings from these memories and pushed Snape from his mind, but wait, not only was Snape out of his mind, but Harry was trapped in the potions master's mind.

Snape and a girl with med brown hair walking hand in hand...Snape, in formal robes, at a wedding, his wedding to the girl...The two of them celebrating the holidays...Girl in the hospital, obviously pregnant, Snape standing next to her.

In shock over the fact that Snape was married and had a kid, Harry barely noticed the fact that his professor had pushed Harry out of his mind. Harry slowly looked up at Snape, expecting to be yelled at, surprisingly, all he got was sarcasm.

"Well, at least we know that you can push someone out of your mind, without accidentally doing so with a spell. Now you just have to learn occlumency, which is keeping someone from seeing any of your memories that you don't want them to see, not pushing them out. Dismissed."

Harry looked at the clock noticing that they still had about 45 minutes left in this morning's lesson. He was just about to say something to Snape regarding this when he heard Snape snap "I said dismissed. Now leave."

Harry turned to go out the door when he heard Snape call after him "And Potter, I suggest you continue using that journal your friend got for you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The remainder of the week Harry was able to push Snape out of his mind after just 2 or 3 memories, of course, Snape wasn't satisfied with this since the purpose of occlumency was to block your mind against unwanted attacks. It wasn't until Friday's lesson that Harry once again found himself in the mind of his professor, seeing his memories as if they were broadcasting on television.

Snape holding his wife's hand, crying...Snape crying at a cemetery, placing a yellow rose on a tombstone that read 'Sonja Halle Kasen-Snape...Snape holding an infant in each arm...watching over two infants as they sleep a somber and wistful look on his face.

"Enough, Mr. Potter. For someone who is adamant about his own need for privacy, you don't seem to respect the privacy of others. The smart thing to do would be to vacate someone's mind when you accidentally enter into it, but then again, I suppose no one ever accused you of being smart, now did they? Dismissed."

This time Harry didn't even bother looking at the clock or questioning Snape's decision to end the lesson early. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as he could. For although Snape's words were spoken calmly and sarcastically, Harry had no doubt that his professor was upset with what had just transpired.

He ended up down by the lake (quickly becoming one of his favorite spots). He thought about what he now knew about his professor. He learned more about the man this week than he had in the last five years, and possibly more than he wanted to know.

Snape had been married. He couldn't picture the potion master he knew falling in love, and especially not someone falling in love with the greasy-git. Mrs. Snape -that sounded wrong in so many ways, Harry thought- was a very pretty young woman, with medium brown hair (one might describe it as cinnamon) cut short, green eyes-similar to his own-Harry thought, with a small built & tanned, golden skin. She wasn't as tall as Snape, but more than average height for a woman, reaching about shoulder height to Harry's professor.

Harry half wondered what a girl like that saw in Snape. Then again, the old or rather, younger Snape didn't resemble the vampirish greasy-git that Harry knows. It actually looked like he washed his long hair, which hung down his back in a pony tail. He was smiling and laughing, not sneering; there were tender & loving glances at his wife and children, not his well known, evil death glares; instead of the black billowing robes, he wore robes of green, blue and red. Yes, the younger Snape was much different than the strict no-nonsense death eater turned spy. Harry couldn't help but wonder what happened that changed him.

Children, Snape had children. Two of them. Harry wondered where they were. They couldn't be more a year or two within his own 16 years, judging by Snape's age in the memories he saw. Why didn't they go to Hogwart's? Surely another student would have mentioned Snape's kids. Maybe they were in disguise or under an assumed name. That's what I would have done if I was his son, Harry thought, especially since most of the students (and probably a good portion of the staff) didn't like Snape. Most likely they would be in Slytherin. Harry tried to think of last year's students, especially the Slytherin's in their 4th, 5th, 6th, & 7th years. He couldn't think of anyone that resembled Snape, and Snape favored all his Slytherin's, so you couldn't find them that way. Of course, Harry thought, I don't even know if his kids were boys or girls.

Remembering what he read about 2 weeks ago in "Magic of Adoption", Harry wondered if Snape relinquished custody of his kids after his wife died. It would've been difficult to raise 2 kids on your own, Harry thought. But Snape looked like he cared so much about his kids, and as cold-hearted as Snape seems, Harry could not imagine him abandoning his kids. Then again, he really didn't know his professor that well, did he?

Looks like he has a new summer project on his hands, Harry thought. A mystery to be solved, trying to figure out what happened to Snape and his family, and since Harry couldn't ask Snape about it, he'll just have to get his information another way.

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End Chapter 10
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This is my first fanfic, so any feedback is appreciated.

I know that I have some trouble with the tenses (past, present, future), but I try.
Chapter title, if pronounced as separate words...a clue men see

Hey! What is a beta? (only took me 10 chaps to remember to ask)

SonjaWisdom; Halleheroine; Kasenpure, and of course, Snape. Liked the meanings & the way it sounds.

Don't get upset about the twin thing (2 infants in Snape's arms)-it won't turn out the way you think (at least I don't think you'll think that way, but I don't know you so I really can't say, just please keep reading)...

10/11/2004