Disclaimer: I do not own HP & Co.
A/N: Words Many of the situations, thoughts & feelings mentioned by Harry during his convo with AD are directly tied into JKR's description of the scene in ch 37, OotP
(THE PROPHECY) a direct quote from OotP ch 37
Clarification for ch 12: In chpt 12, On Friday evening, Harry was reflecting on some significant conversations that happened that last week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday a.m.-like a flashback), When HP was jealous of SS & his kids or when he thought that SS was going on vaca w/ them, it was a Thursday flashback. HP didn't see the memory of the funeral until Friday.
Thanks Reviewers!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXChapter 13 let me tell you something
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
After spending the morning flying on the Quidditch pitch, Harry went back to his rooms to shower and change. He then took the books he got from the library on appearance potions and his potions homework out to the lake to study.
"Hi, Harry, Beautiful day today, isn't it."
"Yes, sir."
Albus sighed over Harry's polite response and formal tone. "Working on potion's homework I see."
"Hmm," Harry said, not willing to give a half-truth to the headmaster. "Though I don't know why I bother. There is no way Professor Snape would let me in his NEWT class. He has been trying to get me expelled from this school since my first year; he'll definitely use this opportunity to keep me out of his class.
"We'll just have to see. I'm sure an agreeable solution will be found."
"Yes, sir." Harry replied, hesitant to start the conversation that he meant to start last Thursday before he overhead his professors talking about him.
As the headmaster turned to leave, Harry realized that if he didn't do it now, then he would later have to seek Professor Dumbledore out to ask him.
"Excuse me, headmaster, I was wondering if I could talk to you."
"Of course, my boy, of course." Albus replied, thinking that finally the boy is willing to come to him with his problems.
"Well, I was wondering if it is okay for me to talk to Professor Lupin about the prophecy. I would really like somebody to talk to about it."
"Certainly, but you know that you can always come to me."
"I know, sir. But I think that there are a lot of other things we need to talk about before I will be able to listen to your advice and trust your judgment for my life."
"Understandable. Do you want to talk now? We can go back to my office?"
"Now is a good time, but I'd prefer not to talk in your office, sir. If you don't mind, can we just stay here? The only one at the castle other than us is Professor Lupin."
"I don't mind, in fact, I think this is the perfect place to talk," and saying that Dumbledore conjured two comfortable chairs, similar to the ones in the Gryffindor common room. As the two moved to the chairs, Dumbledore said, "I said that night that I deserved for you to attack me. I was surprised that you didn't do it that night. I am amazed that you were able to hold it in for so long."
"I had a lot to think about," Harry said, thinking about how he had found out about his adoption about a week after that night. He then paused, wondering how to start his ranting and raving at Dumbledore.
"I guess I don't understand why you chose that night to finally tell me. You told me things that night that I would've loved to have known a few months before.
"While I was in your office waiting for you to return, I started thinking about everything that had happened. All I could think about was how Sirius died and it was my fault. That I caused the death of one of the few people who cared for me! ME! The real me, not Lily & James' son, not the boy-who-lived, but me, 'just Harry'. I thought about how Hermione was right and that Voldemort was banking on my desire to save people. I felt so horrible inside. Like there was a terrible dark hole where Sirius had been, then the portraits started waking up and talking to me.
"Phineas mentioned how highly you thought of me, and how you held me in great esteem and I felt so guilty. Guilty for letting you down, for letting everyone down and putting everyone in danger. I didn't want to be me anymore. I never liked being "Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived, but I handled it. I knew I had no choice in that matter. At that moment, I wanted to be anyone but me. I didn't like me at that moment; I knew that I had made some terrible mistakes in the last year that had culminated with that night at the ministry. I couldn't forgive myself, so I didn't know how anyone else could forgive me. I didn't see how anyone could care about me after this, and I didn't want them to, not when the people closest to me were always the first to die. I thought once more that I would be better off on my own, without anyone caring for me. That is when you returned to your office and we started talking."
"Then after I lost my temper and thoroughly trashed your office, you told me. You told me more about the deeper connection between Voldemort, & myself and why I needed to learn occlumency. You told me why you avoided my eyes last year. Did you know how hurt I was when I heard that you visited HQ the night before my trial, but didn't even stop in to talk to me? That at my trial, even while defending me, you wouldn't even look at me. How I felt when I heard others talk that you didn't make me a prefect, because maybe you believed what the papers were saying about me or that you didn't think I could handle it? That the one person I thought I could trust and count on for the last 4 years, the one person who was always there for me, wasn't and I didn't know why.
"Why couldn't you have told me all of that at the beginning of the year? Why didn't you tell me at Christmas when your suspicions were confirmed? Instead of hiding it from me, making me feel worse, making me feel isolated from everyone, thinking and feeling that I couldn't trust anyone, or at least, most of the adults in my life. This was information that could have prevented the whole ministry disaster. This could've saved Sirius's life and kept everyone else from being in danger. This information could've given me the push I needed to learn occlumency, regardless of who was teaching it to me.
"Then you told me about the prophecy. Then and only then did you tell me that I would have to fight Voldemort and that at least one of us would die. That the fate of the wizarding world was in the hands of a 15 year old, who just lost the only father figure he ever knew. A 15 year old who was feeling so much pain, that he didn't care, didn't want to care, wanted to be someone else, wanted to run away and hide. Wanted to be ANYONE but Harry James Potter! Now that Sirius was dead, nothing else had mattered. Part of me wanted to go rushing out the door and find Voldemort. I didn't care if I lived; in fact, I was feeling so much pain right then, that I might have welcomed death.
"Again, I guess I just don't understand why you chose that night to finally tell me. Perhaps because you were afraid if you put it off again, history might repeat itself and I would go another year without knowing.
"But you told me THAT NIGHT, when I was at the lowest point in my life, feeling like I had no reason or desire to live. Right after I thought I had lost my last chance for a family.
"And then you sent me home on the train. Before I fully accepted my godfather's death, you sent me on the train to live with people that you knew wouldn't help me. You tell me that I was either going to have to kill someone or be killed by that someone, then put me a train to spend who knows how much time stuck in a house with people who hate me, without any hope of when I would leave. You didn't ask how I was doing, just shuffled me off 'home' because it was safe. How can you profess to care about someone and then do that to them? How did you expect me to handle that on top of everything else that was going on? You didn't make any reference to how long I would have to be at my aunt's only that I needed to go. I was there for less than a week and I thought I was going to go insane. Most of my homework was completed because I needed something to keep my mind off of Sirius and the prophecy. I had no one to talk to, no one to share things with, just all these feelings inside of me. I felt like I was going to explode. As hard as I thought not to think about Sirius and the prophecy, they were always on my mind. It was like Cedric's death all over again, the visions were constantly in my mind, whether I was awake or asleep. If I wasn't able to get some muggle sleeping medication, I don't know if I would've been able to sleep some of those nights."
Harry went on for another hour yelling, screaming, and "sharing" his feelings with the headmaster. He spoke about not knowing how he could trust Dumbledore knowing all that Dumbledore had kept from him in the past. How Dumbledore said he knew that he had suffered at his relatives house, how he knew Harry would suffer when he left him in his aunt's care, and condemned him to 10 dark & difficult years, but he still did it. Even after Harry had asked to stay at Hogwarts over the summer or with the Weasley's. How Dumbledore didn't really check up on him at his relatives, to at least make sure he got the basic necessities. How Harry felt like he was just a 'useful' tool in this war, how the only people that really cared for him were the people that died. How he was beginning to think that everything the headmaster did had hidden meanings behind it. That he wasn't sure if he could take anything at face value, and was even beginning to wonder if Dumbledore had been in Slytherin when he was a student at Hogwarts.
With every word Harry spoke, Albus once again realized the grievous disservice he did to this student, the one he said he cared for so much. It was no wonder he chose Severus to teach him occlumency, even with the past he and the potion professor shared. Albus was surprised that Harry willingly returned to Hogwarts, knowing that he would be there. Hearing the boy speak, Albus was amazed that Harry acted so polite towards him, and didn't just curse him. There was nothing Albus could say in return. He never thought about it from Harry's point of view, at least, he never thought about it when you connected it all together like that. What was he thinking, packing the boy off on the train with the other students without checking if he was okay? He pretty much told the boy everything that was kept from him for the last 15 years and then just wrote him off. Didn't ask him how he felt about the prophecy, didn't check to see how he was handling the death for his godfather, he just had Harry pack his bags and step onto the train, supposedly not to be seen until next September. No wonder the boy felt as he did, like he was just a tool; that no one cared about 'Harry'. Albus thanked Merlin that the boy was much stronger than anyone realized, otherwise, this all could have had a very different ending.
"I can understand how you thought you were doing the right thing. How you thought it was all for the best. I can even forgive you for the role you played in Sirius's death, it would be hypocritical of me not to forgive you, when I've asked for the forgiveness of others for my role in that night's events. I can even offer you my respect. But I don't know when I'll be able to offer you my trust again. I trusted you for the last few years, almost blindly, I won't do that again. This time my trust will need to be earned."
Albus was once more amazed at the young man before him. All he had said was true. Harry would've been perfectly justified if he never spoke to the headmaster again, but instead, he offered his forgiveness. Before him was a student who was mature beyond his years, not many adults could or would forgive Albus for the mistakes he had made if they were in Harry's place.
"I can understand that sentiment Harry. You were right in all that you said. I did not think of everything combined like that, I did not think of how my actions might have made things worse. I should have been open with you with what was going on since last summer when you sent letters asking for information. In some ways I asked for so much from you, but in other ways, I underestimated you. Phineas was right; I do hold you in high esteem. You have gone through much more than most fully trained wizards could handle, yet I still underestimated. I thank you for your forgiveness. I can only offer my apologies and a wizard's pledge that I will not keep anything else from you. I hope that someday you can learn to trust me again.
Is there anything else you need to get off your mind?"
"No, sir. I think I've covered everything."
"Very well, then. If you think of anything else, or if you ever need to ask me anything, please know that my door is always open to you. Now Mr. Potter, should we head into the castle for lunch?"
As the two headed off to lunch, neither noticed the large black bird watching them from the branches in the tree above.
Remus was waiting in the great hall when Professor Dumbledore and Harry walked in together. He was surprised to see that Harry was once again amiable to the headmaster, as they headed over to the table talking about muggle sweets. He never discovered what happened between the two of them, but if Remus's suspicions were correct, it doesn't look like it mattered now, anyway.
At breakfast on Sunday, Harry received replies from the owls he sent on Friday night to Ron and Hermione inviting them to the castle for his birthday. Both of them replied that they would be there on Wednesday and couldn't wait to see him. Hermione, of course, said she couldn't wait to hear how they did on their owls since Ron refused to tell her until the three of them were together. He quickly wrote replies to both of them, saying that he couldn't wait either and that it was sure to be his best birthday ever.
He then retreated back to the lake to think about how he was going to mention the prophecy to Moony. Harry decided he would be as honest as possible, without going into how he felt about everything Professor Dumbledore did. The purpose of this conversation was to let Moony know what was going on, not to get Remus upset with Dumbledore as well. At lunch Harry asked Remus if he was available after lunch so that the two of them could talk.
Finally, Remus thought with relief, for he really wasn't good at spying or prying the truth out of others, he'll leave that to the Slytherin's, Harry was going to tell him what was in Sirius's letter. Well, Sirius did say that when he was ready, Harry would talk to him about it. Now he could help Harry with what had been bothering him all summer, and making him so secretive.
Once more, Harry headed towards the lake, this time with Moony beside him.
Deciding that he should be the one to start this conversation, Harry began;
"The, um, the night that Sirius died, Dumbledore gave me a portkey that took me back to his office. About 30 minutes later, Dumbledore came back and we talked about Sirius's death. Then Dumbledore told me something that he probably should have mentioned years ago, but didn't know if I was ready for, so he kept putting it off. He told me why my parents died that night and why Voldemort was always after me. About 17 years ago, before I was born, a prophecy was made.
(THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES.... BORN TO THOSE WHO HAVE THRICE DEFIED HIM, BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES...AND THE DARK LORD WILL MARK HIM AS HIS EQUAL, BUT HE WILL HAVE POWER THE DARK LORD KNOWS NOT...AND EITHER MUST DIE AT THE HAND OF THE OTHER FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES...THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD WILL BE BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES...)
"I think that's what it said. I've been thinking about it so much, I believe I have it memorized. You can check with Professor Dumbledore if you want for the actual wording of the prophecy," Harry said.
Remus just nodded at Harry's words. He was not expecting that. Actually, he had no idea what had been going on with Harry this summer, but he didn't expect to hear that his cub, his best friend's child would have to fight and destroy that monster or be killed by him. This was almost too much to take in, and before Remus could gather his thoughts and respond, Harry started talking again.
"That was why I was so mad at Professor Dumbledore. He expected so much of me at times, saw me go through so many things, but he didn't tell me the one thing that mattered. The information that would have prevented me form putting my friends in danger and causing Sirius's death."
Harry went on to talk about what else he and Dumbledore discussed that night, including the connection between Harry and Voldemort through the scar. Harry finished by mentioning the talk they had this morning, also at the lake, and how Harry has forgiven him, but isn't ready to trust him yet, especially with his memories, which is why he asked Snape to teach him occlumency.
Remus finally commented, "How do you feel about the prophecy?"
"Doesn't really matter what I feel, the prophecy is there, nothing can change it." Harry was glad that the first thing Remus asked about was how he felt about it. That was something Dumbledore didn't do, he just told Harry about the prophecy and answered Harry's questions about it, never thinking or asking about how it would affect Harry. Even so, Harry wasn't sure if he was ready to discuss exactly how he felt about it.
At a pointed look from Remus, Harry continued, "Okay, scared. I don't like that all these people are counting on me to bring them freedom. I don't know if I can do it. And I know that I don't want to die."
"Nobody wants you to die, Harry." Remus thought he heard Harry mumble 'except Snape', but thought it best to ignore it, and continued, "For your sake, I wish the prophecy didn't exist. I wish you could just be the normal boy you want to be, complete with the family you've always wanted." At that last phrase, Harry turned his gaze from the Giant squid and looked right into Moony's eyes, wondering what he knew, if he knew. Harry quickly turned his gaze back to the squid before Remus could read the emotions in Harry's eyes. "But we will do everything we can to make sure you survive. You might be the one to ultimately destroy Voldemort, but that doesn't mean we will send you into battle alone or unprepared. I will make sure that you get all the extra lessons you need. I am sure all your professors will help in this, even Severus. And when the final battle comes, we, and I'm sure most of your friends as well, will be by your side."
At his words, Harry remembered other similar words Moony said to him, 'I am and will always be there for you, I give my pledge as a Marauder.' A Marauder...Sirius said that when he was ready to learn more, when he decided to discover more about his birth parents, that the Marauders would be there...the only question now was 'is Harry ready?' He didn't think he was last night, and even now he wasn't sure. It would be great to share this with someone, but he just wasn't sure.
Remus was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't see the look on Harry's face as he realized that Sirius wanted him to tell Moony about the adoption when he is ready, and that Moony would be able to help him find out more information on his past.
For Remus was too busy wondering how Sirius knew about the prophecy, how did he know that Dumbledore was going to share it with Harry and why did Sirius need to write about it in his letter to Harry?
"How did you know that I got a letter from Sirius?" Harry asked, after breaking free of his own thoughts and hearing Moony's words.
Remus was puzzled at first until he realized that he accidentally spoke his last thought out loud.
"Sirius wrote me a letter as well. In my letter, he mentioned that he sent one to you, but didn't say what it was about. Actually, he told me not to ask you, that you would tell me when you were ready. I have to admit, I have been very curious about what was in it for the last few weeks, but now I was wondering how Sirius knew about the prophecy and that Professor Dumbledore would share it with you."
"He didn't," Harry stated.
"If his letter wasn't about the prophecy, then what was it about?" Remus asked, forgetting his 'orders' from Sirius not to ask about it until Harry was ready to talk to him.
Harry stayed seated, looking out at the lake. He hadn't planned on telling Moony about his adoption today. He wasn't even sure if he was ready, but since Remus already knew about the prophecy and knew that the letter existed, Harry figured, he might as well know all of it.
"Um, maybe it would be best if you read my letter. I'm not really sure how to explain." Harry said, while thinking, how hard is it to say 'I'm adopted'. "Why don't we go back to my room, you can read my letter and then we can talk."
Remus agreed and said that he would meet Harry in his room in 10 minutes.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
End Chapter 13 let me tell you something...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Thanks to Black Padfoot, my beta!!!
This is my first fanfic, so any feedback is appreciated. I know that I have some trouble with the tenses (past, present, future), but I try.
10/18/2004