A NEW PARODY (part one)
Words begin to float across the star studded screen.
It is a time of civil unrest in the GALACTIC EMPIRE. Princess Leia has eaten all the doughnuts, Darth Vader is high on helium, and the STORMTROOPERS are all on strike (equal pay for equal labor). And in this parody, these factors all combine to create... WAR. The only hope for the galaxy rests on the shoulders of a young boy, one, LUKE SKYWALKER.
With his secret doughnut recipe, stolen from the Dunken Doughnuts man, a new tank of oxygen, and his expert skills at negotiating wages, can he save the day?
Tasuki: I doubt it...
Kouji: Warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gurrr petwey.
Tasuki: Will you stop gargling!? Your breath is minty fresh already.
Authors: (bap the two bandits on the head and throw them in the closet for later use) We digress... still.....
Back to the words scrolling up the screen.
We join our story already in progress... This has been a test, of the Fushigi Yuugi broadcast system.
Authors: Keisuke! Knock it off!!
Blank Screen
Scene One
SCENE OPENS ON TATOOINE. LUKE SKYWALKER STANDS LOOKING UP AT THE TWO SUNS, WAVES OF DUST ROLLING AT HIS FEET. HE SADLY REALIZES THAT HE'LL NEVER GET OFF THIS DAMN PLANET.
Tamahome: (looking more comatose than upset) 500 yen, carry the one...
Uncle Owen a.k.a. Tokaki: You're still counting the money you made off that E-bay transaction?
Tamahome: Someday I'll buy me a landspeeder, pick up a chick, and get off this dustball.
Tokaki: Whatever, obake-chan, just go find the Jawas. They're late. Oh, and if there are any cute one's, bring 'em back to party!
Tamahome: (sweatdropping) That's just wrong... I'm leaving now.
Tokaki: Oh, like you never thought of it!
Tamahome: (running for the hills) I never did!!
Aunt Beru a.k.a. Subaru: (hand's Tamahome the keys to the landspeeder) He's being perverted again isn't he?
Tamahome: (sobbing) Yeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...
Subaru: Well, get going honey. (whispering) and no female droids.
Tamahome: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... I'll just be going now
LUKE SIDESTEPS HIS WAY TO THE LANDSPEEDER BEFORE TEARING BUTT OUT OF THERE. LUKE MEETS THE JAWAS HALF WAY TO HIS HOUSE, THEIR SANDCRAWLER IS BROKEN. R2-D2 AND C-3PO ARE STANDING NEARBY ARGUING.
Mitsukake a.k.a. R2-D2: (wearing a large garbage can with metal strapped to his shins and arms) For the last time, it's NOT my fault that it broke down.
ANGRY DINK DINKS (who are on loan from Mel Brooks "Spaceballs") SHAKE THEIR FISTS AT THE OVERGROWN GARBAGE CAN.
Mitsukake: You didn't say anything about that button.
Chiriko a.k.a. C-3PO: (sporting soup cans around his arms and legs, and a large family sized fruit cocktail can around his chest, all spray painted gold) You don't have dialogue. You speak in whistles and beeps.
Mitsukake: (sweatdropping) Weet, toot, dobip, da.
Chiriko: (laughing hysterically) That is so funny.
Mitsukake: Do you even know what I said?
Chiriko: No. But now I can make up your dialogue and no one will know the difference.
Mitsukake: (dark scowl) This is such bad casting.
Authors: (smiling genki-ly) Thanks!! Moving on.
Tamahome: (snoring in the landspeeder): ...
Jess: Ash, get the stick.
AngelAsh: (taping chopsticks together) Almost done.
AUTHORS POKE LUKE IN ORDER TO WAKE HIM UP. "ONI" FLARES ON LUKE'S FOREHEAD AND HE PROMPTLY CHOPS THE STICK INTO TINY BITS.
Authors: Kawai........
Jess: Glad we were ten feet away.
AngelAsh: Experience is a great teacher. (rubs her bruised arm)
Tamahome: (looking at Dink Dinks with trepidation) What that hell are those supposed to be?
AngelAsh: Don't provoke them. They WILL eat you. Lunch wasn't provided for in their contract and they're cranky.
Tamahome: (looking for some way to roll up the window)
AngelAsh: It's a convertible, dear. They'll get you one way or the other.
Dink Dinks: (rubbing hands together and smiling evily) Dink diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink...
Tamahome: (to 3PO and R2) Get in! Get in! We're leaving.
THE DROIDS DIVE INTO THE LANDSPEEDER, R2'S FEET FLAILING AROUND AS HE STRUGGLES TO GET HIS LEGS INTO THE SPEEDER. LUKE AND THE DROIDS RETURN TO THE FARM TO FIND IT SOLD.
Chiriko: They bought the farm? (Tears form in his innocent eyes)
Tamahome: No, baka. They sold the farm, not bought it...
Tokaki: (walking out with suitcases) Some guy in black armor with a breathing problem just bought the place.
Subaru: (odd look on her face) He sounded a lot like a hamster when he spoke.
EVERYONE INCLUDING AUTHORS GLARE AT DARTH VADER
Jess: That SO isn't in the script.
Darth: (still sounding like a hamster) I have my own plans... Is that my voice? Is that MY voice?! Damn it Suboshi, I told you to knock that off.
Suboshi: (rolling on the ground laughing, about to die from apoplexy and lack of air)
Amiboshi: (sweatdropping) You never were subtle were your ototou?
Darth: I'll deal with you later. (ahem) I have my own plans for galactic domination. Buy everyone out, and put up timeshares. And then, I'll only rent to those people I like.
Authors: Can we please get back on track?
Chiriko: We lost R2.
Tamahome: How did we lose him, we just had him?!!
Tokaki: That and the fact that he's six foot whatever. I'm so ashamed of you Luke!
Tamahome: Whatever. Shouldn't you be on vacation someplace, like Hoth. I hear the Wampa's are hibernating this time of the year.
Tokaki: Ooh! Someone's got an attitude. (motions to Subaru) Come on dear. Let's leave him to his trash can hunt.
OWEN AND BERU DISAPPEAR INTO THE TWIN SUNSET AS LUKE AND 3PO JUMP INTO THE LANDSPEEDER AND HEAD FOR THE DESERT. UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM, THE SAND PEOPLE ARE WATCHING CLOSLEY
Sandperson #1 a.k.a. the Flaming Painted Wonder a.k.a. Tomo: Here he comes. That pretty little farmboy who keeps trespassing on our territory.
Sandperson #2 a.k.a. Keisuke: (freaking out) Kami-sama, why did you stick me with HIM?! (glares at the authors) You had to make me a random part filler-in didn't you.
Authors: It's your fault for messing with the opening titles!
Keisuke: (striking a pose) But you do have to admit it was briliant.
Authors: We never admit anything!
Tamahome: My Miaka radar! It's going off!
Authors: Not yet!
Tamahome: But I have the strangest feeling that Darth has her...
Jess: Quick, jam his radar.
AngelAsh: (throws grape jelly on Tamahome) Otay Panky!
Jess: (sweatdropping) I didn't mean that literally.
TOMO WALKS OVER TO TAMAHOME AND STARTS LICKING JAM OFF HIM
Tamahome: Where the hell is Obi-wan! This counts as an attack!!!
OBI-WAN WALKS IN DRAGGING R2-D2 BEHIND HIM
Obi-wan a.k.a. Chichiri: Did someone call, no da?
Tamahome: (trying to get Tomo off him) Do something about this!
Chichiri: Tomo-kun, your mascara is running, no da.
Tomo: (screams in horror as he runs off camera to fix his make up)
Tamahome: I thought I was a goner. That bordered on major hentai.
Chichiri: Wanna watch a video, no da?
Tamahome: Video? Nani?
Mitsukake: (pulls out a laptop supplied by Keisuke and begins to fiddle with it)
Keisuke: Just press enter.
Authors: Keisuke! Your scene is over! LEAVE!!
Keisuke: (meekly) Hai...
R2 GETS HIS (ahem) PROJECTOR WORKING, AND EVERYONE CROWDS AROUND TO WATCH.
Tamahome: I could sell that on E-bay.
Everyone: Hush!
THE FACE OF PRINCESS LEIA APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. SHE IS ASLEEP. KEISUKE'S FOOT APPEARS AND KICKS LEIA INTO WAKEFULNESS.
Princess Leia a.k.a. Miaka: Oh. Ahem. General Kenobi. Years ago you served me as a celestial warrior. Now Darth Vader is threatening to take over all the doughnut shops in the galaxy and turn them into time shares. Isn't that tragic?
Chichiri: Hai, no da.
Keisuke: (off screen) Miaka, you're digressing.
Miaka: Oh, right. So how bout you come rescue me and bring a hot man with you. Hi there Tamahome.
Tamahome: (waving back at the screen)
Chiriko: She can't see you, baka.
Tamahome: (whaps 3PO in the back of his head) Shut up smarty pants.
3PO'S CHARACTER PROMPTLY DISAPPEARS AND EVERYONE GROANS.
Tamahome: Well, we won't be getting anything intelligent out of him for a while.
Chichiri: Let's just head to Mos Eisely, no da.
THEY GET IN THE LANDSPEEDER AND HEAD FOR THE HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY
To Be Continued (dun dun dun)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Teaser Trailer:
Mos Eisely. Our heros meet a bandit and his Wookie. Can they escape the blue scaled Stormtroopers? Only the Schwarts knows.
Tasuki: The who?
Authors: We couldn't get Lucas to let us use the Force so we borrowed the Schwarts from Mel again. He's so generous!
Kouji: I'm out of mouthwash here.
AngelAsh: (sarcasm) Tragedy...
Kouji: (dip kisses AngelAsh)
AngelAsh: Get this man some mouth wash! Eew! Wookie breath.
Kouji: (nodding with satisfaction) I knew that would do the trick.