Disclaimer: I do not own HP & Co.

A/N: (personal) correction: It was actually two computers in two months. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had to redo it since the disk was lost as well (luckily the later chaps were mostly on another disk, which I still have).

k.i.s.s.- keep it simple

Thanks Reviewers!!!! Since comp was taken, :( don't have regular access to e-mail or fan fiction, but I enjoy reading the reviews when I am able to (a little bit of sunshine on my otherwise bleak life). If you really want an answer to a question, feel free to e/m me at wwwendy(at)sbcglobal(dot)net

Chapter 18 lesser of two evils

At Snape's words a look of fear came into Harry's eyes as he backed away from his professor before turning around and running out the door.

Harry ran from Snape's office as fast as he could. His first thought was to run to Dumbledore or Remus to tell them what Snape said. Harry could imagine their reaction. Remus would probably think that he was overreacting. Everyone knows that the Harry and Snape don't get along and that in the past, nothing would have made Harry happier than having the potion master out of his life. Dumbledore would just say that he trusted Snape, and that that is all Harry needs to know.

No, Harry thought, he would have to figure this out by himself.

"Oh, God" Harry mumbled, "He really hates me." Childhood grudges he can deal with, but this, there was nothing but hate in his eyes.

Harry had a sudden thought, if Snape was good enough in occlumency to convince the Dark Lord that he was a loyal servant, than why couldn't he convince Dumbledore of the same thing? Maybe Snape was a double-agent that would explain so much from the past 5 years.

Harry stopped and looked around, somehow he was on the third floor corridor, close to where Fluffy once resided. Feeling the physical exhaustion of running from the dungeon, Harry leaned against the wall and slowly slid down it until he was sitting on the floor, his knees bent with his arms wrapped around his legs, his back against the wall, eyes closed and his head resting on his knees.

Harry didn't know how long he sat there, thinking, crying about his life, his family, before he heard foot steps approach.

He slowly looked up, and saw a tall shadow that could only mean one person, Snape. Harry didn't even think about moving or running again. He was too tired. Tired of running, tired of being afraid, tired of living. What did it matter, he thought. Snape will eventually catch him anyways. Who really cared if it was Voldemort or Snape that ultimately killed him? As Harry contintued to watch in silence, Snape turned the corner and stood a few feet from Harry.

Snape stood rooted to the spot, just staring at where his student had been. The words he just said, echoing in his head, 'the same reason Voldemort hates you.' He was so caught up in his own anger and jealousy of the boy, that he actually spoke the Dark Lord's name. He couldn't remember if he had ever done that before, if he had, it had been a long while.

No wonder the boy ran in fear, Severus thought. Harry probably thinks I'm still loyal to the Dark Lord, that this has all been part of a plot to bring him to 'his master' to kill him. Merlin, the boy is probably on his way to tell Dumbledore or the werewolf what happened. Severus didn't think he could take it if Dumbledore questioned his loyalty. Dumbledore was the only one that stood by him consistently during the last 20 years, he really didn't want to disappoint him. No, Snape will have to take care of this himself, and the only way to do that was to find Harry and explain. Using a locator spell, Severus followed the path that Harry took after leaving the dungeons.

He was not looking forward to talking with the boy. Of course, the only alternative was to explain to Dumbledore what he meant by his rash statement. That would only bring more questions. And after all those questions were answered, first the headmaster would look at him in sympathy over the past that he had just learned about. Next, Albus would look hurt that Severus didn't mention these events before. No, it looks like it would have to be Harry after all. At least, Snape thought, the boy already knows part of the story. Better to have one person, even if it was Harry, knowing the full story, then to have two people, Harry and Dumbledore, knowing part of it. The lesser of two evils, so to speak. Snape snorted, who would ever think that he would be alluding to Harry Potter as the lesser of two evils, especially compared to Albus.

"We need to talk," Snape said as he turned the corner and stood before Harry.

Harry just stared at him in silence.

"Fine. We will talk here." Snape said while lowering himself to the floor across from Harry. After making sure that there were no ghosts in the area, he cast a privacy spell to keep anyone from entering the corridor, as well as a silencing charm. "I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Sir, if it's not because of my father, why do you hate me?" Harry asked, deciding that if he was going to die, he might as well have some answers.

Severus didn't reply, he just sat there, staring at the floor.

After a few moments of silence, Harry spoke again. "Sir? I think I have a right to know. It's only fair."

"Fair! What do you know about fairness? You're the bloody boy-who-lived. What is fair about that? You with your friends and families and birthdays..." Snape's voice trailed off, as he remember that he was here to explain things to the boy, not to make things worse.

"As I said earlier, professor, you don't know a thing about my life, so don't talk about what you don't know. It only makes you look like more of an idiot, or as you would say, a dunderhead." Harry replied, his anger and temper getting the best of him.

"I thought you wanted to talk, but if all you are going to do is yell at me and take your bad mood out on me some more, than I'm leaving."

And as he stood up to leave, he heard Snape command, "Sit back down, Potter."

Once more, the potion's master voice was void of feeling as he continued, "This isn't easy for me to talk about, especially with you."

"As I mentioned earlier, I hate you for the same reason that the Dark Lord hates you. Because you are the boy-who-lived. Time and again, you defeated the odds and lived. Oh, I really don't want you dead. I honestly wouldn't wish that anyone's child die, I know what that's like. Nor am I a loyal servant to the Dark Lord that is upset because you incapacitated him 15 years ago. And it s not because you keep thwarting his plans to kill you, either, actually, I find that last bit rather amusing." Snape stopped and took a couple of deep breaths.

After a few minutes of silence, Harry asked "Sir, why are you so upset that I didn't die? You said you wouldn't wish death on anyone."

"I'm getting to that." Snape said angrily, "And I'm upset that you lived, not that you didn't die."

"Okay," Harry said slowly, not really seeing the difference between being upset that he lived versus upset that he didn't die.

"And if you had listened, you would have heard that I said I wouldn't wish any child to die. There are plenty of adults I wish would disappear from this earth."

There was another time of silence, and this time, Harry wisely refrained from speaking.

"Do you remember those memories of mine you saw?" Snape asked quietly.

"Yes, sir," Harry whispered.

"My wife died the same day as our children were born. July 31, 1980."

"That's my.." Harry started to whispered then left the sentence unfinished, not wanting to state the obvious.

"Birthday. Yes, I know. Interesting isn't it, you and my children born on the same day."

Snape paused before continuing, "You see, not many people knew I was married, and even less knew that she was pregnant. I didn't want details of my personal life to get out for many reasons. If the Dark Lord knew that I had children, he would extract a promise from me that they would serve him or die once they reached adulthood. I couldn't, wouldn't do that to my children. There was also the fact that some aurors were ruthless when it came to dealing with suspected Death Eaters. My family would be used against me. Some aurors would even threaten their lives, thinking that 'evil' was in their blood, since they were my family.

"About five weeks after my wife died, I returned home to discover that my house was broken into, the nanny dead, and my children missing. The ministry was notified and a search for my children had begun. The Dark Lord was rising in power and little by little, the ministry pulled people off the search for the children to try to capture him. A few months later, I received a call from the ministry. An auror had found the body of a five month old child, identified as mine. The next thing I know, I was alone with only three graves for company and no more hope of finding my children alive."

Harry sat silently, still not exactly sure how he was involved in all this. What exactly did this have to do with why Snape hated him?

As if reading his mind, Snape continued, "At the same time, I heard that James Potter had returned with a bright-eyed healthy boy, born the same day as my kids. The man, who tormented me throughout school, had the things that I had just lost, a wife, a child, in other words, a family. A year later, James and Lily died at the hands of the Dark Lord, but you survived, because of your mother's love and sacrifice.

"My wife loved her children and she died to bring them into this world, however, that apparently was not enough to protect them. I was not enough to protect them. They were kidnapped from the one place where they should have been safe. Taken from my life and from this world by someone who knew what they were doing.

"This creature was able to evade the ministry and all magical means of tracking. When the body was found, there wasn't a doubt in anyone's mind that they were gone. Why did you, who was born on the same day, under the same sign, able to live a charmed live, escaping death and danger, half of which you willingly put yourself in, over and over again, while my children-" Snape stopped to take a deep breath. Harry had never seen his professor, or any adult for that matter, so distraught, as Snape continued "My children didn't live to see their first Christmas. I spent their first birthday and every birthday since placing roses on the graves of my wife and kids."

Harry sat there, thinking about what he had just heard and remembered what he saw on his birthday when he was out flying on the Quidditch pitch. His eyes widened as he said, "You. You're Raven."

The only response he received from Snape was a glare. Harry hadn't meant to speak his suspicions out loud. He really needed to learn self-control, he thought.

"I'm sorry, sir." Harry paused then decided to be honest with his professor. "When I first saw your memories of your kids, I admit that I was curious. I wondered where they were, who they were, if they went to Hogwarts in disguise. When I, uh, accidentally overhead that you would be going on holiday, I thought that you were spending it with your kids, going on trips and things that families do, and I was jealous. Then on Friday, when I saw, er, well, I realized what had happened, and I felt awful. I never once imagined that that happened. I was also amazed that you were able to function."

At Snape's look of disgust, Harry hurriedly continued, "Not because you aren't strong or anything like that, but because I understood. I never knew Lily and James, but oh, how I wished they were with me almost everyday of my life. Then Sirius was there, and he cared about me. Me, Harry Potter, not the boy-who-lived. I finally caught a glimpse of what it might be like being a part of a real family. To finally have a family of my own, someone to care for me and to help me when life seemed overwhelming. And then he was gone, just two years later, before I really got to know him. Gone from my life, forever, and partly because of my actions. Because I didn't listen, because I didn't-. Oh, Merlin, I'm rambling again," Harry stated, "Anyways, what I am trying to say is that I know what it is like to lose the person that means the most to you. After Sirius was gone, I wasn't sure if I would have survived this, I wasn't sure if I wanted to survive this. I'm sure I wouldn't have if it wasn't for-. Anyways, I don't know how you do it, sir. Everything else that happened seemed so unimportant, after losing Sirius. It felt like my whole world ended, all my hopes and dreams of a family and a happy life disappeared when he did. I can imagine it was similar for you, and even more so."

Severus just listened and watched as Harry rambled on. He never thought about it like that. The day his children were declared dead was the day that he felt that he died on the inside. Life was no longer something to enjoy, but rather something to endure. As he reflected on what Harry said, he realized that perhaps the two of them did have more in common than he ever thought, the again, the boy still had his friends and his aunt's family.

Deciding that this conversation was at an end and that Harry had learned all he was going to about his professor's private life, Snape stood up and said, "Since we missed most of this morning's lesson and the summer is half over, why don't we meet this afternoon after lunch to practice occlumency?"

"Yes, sir," Harry said as he took his cue from Snape and stood up.

"Oh, and Potter"

"Don't worry, sir. I won't tell anyone." Harry said with a smile in his professor's direction.

"See that you don't. After lunch, then." Snape said as he cancelled the silencing and privacy charms as he turned and headed down towards his dungeons, his robe billowing behind him.

End Chapter 18 lesser of two evils

Upcoming: Chapter 19 Appearances can be deceiving

11/2/2004