Chris: Here it is! The sequel to Farina's Diary! And….Yeah, it's a weird idea, but hey, it's stupid enough that it's really funny. Well, you'll see! Starting with the final level, Light! Oh, and doubt there will be pairings…Except for the ones that were in FEH. Which is a lot. Well, I might've changed them around. All pairings are cool, unless they're really weird and disgusting. And…I think the characters aren't as stupid now. They'll be stupid at times. Just not all the time. I thought that Eliwood needed a break. A reeaaally small one.
Farina: You still are going to be paying me, right?
Chris: Uh…Don't own Fire Emblem! -runs away-
Farina: ARGH!
EDIT: Since QuickEdit is a pain in the ass, changes in location shall now my marked by that hard gray line thingy. Not my traditional one hyphen.
Chapter 1: The Final Battle…of Stupidity
"Do any of you know when Athos is coming! We've been waiting forever!" Farina whined as she dealt out her cards. The army, affectionately termed Hector's Hecklers by the troops, was stationed outside of Dragon's Gate, waiting for an old man named Athos.
"You just have to be patient." Kent gathered his cards, and frowned once he saw what they were.
"Good hand, poker face?" Farina snickered and looked at the other people who were playing. "You in, Sain?"
"Huh?" Sain turned around, looking confused.
"Poker. You know. The game where you get five cards? Try to get a combo and win a ton of money? That card game?"
"Oh…Yeah! Yeah, I'm in." Sain shook his head, and reached out for his cards. His gaze kept on wandering, and he grinned as his sights focused on some of the female members of the group. Except for Priscilla, since Raven had glared at him and flipped him off last time.
"What about you, Lowen? Gotta go cook something?" Farina glanced at the green-haired cavalier, who brushed some of his hair out of his eyes.
"Nah, Lord Eliwood said we had enough food. Speaking of food…" Lowen pulled out a couple of cookies from his pack and started munching on them. "I haven't had lunch yet."
"Right…Well, I bet 100 gold. Sain! What're you looking at!" Farina looked up from her cards and found out that Sain had been staring at her. She blushed self-consciously and prepared to launch her fist into his face.
"Wait, wait!" Sain held up his hands subconsciously, defending himself from the incoming pain. "I wasn't exactly staring at you. I was staring at the beautiful scenery behind you. That bright blue sky, the deep blue color of the lake….And those trees! Looking so fragile in the wind."
"Bullshit." Farina couldn't help smiling though, as they continued with the game.
"Hey, Eliwood! Where are you!" Lyn walked around the camp, shouting at the top of her lungs.
"Whaddya want?" A frustrated voice came from the tent where Eliwood had been sleeping.
"Hey, Eliwood? Shouldn't be coming out now?"
"No! My hairstyle is still messed up! I look like Hector!" The tent flaps closed even tighter, and Lyn snickered at the image of Eliwood looking like Hector. "See! Even you're laughing!"
"I'm sorry! Heh heh…" Lyn tried to restrain her giggles, but failed. She leaned against one of the tent poles, shaking. After a couple of minutes, she was able to stop laughing, and only let out a small chuckle every now and then. "O-Okay…I'm fine, I'm fine…Come on, Eliwood! It can't be that bad!"
"Fine, fine. Hmph." Eliwood grumbled from inside the tent and then poked his head out. Lyn gazed at his hair, and was able to keep a straight face, but it was really tough for her. Because Eliwood had been completely correct on the account of his hair. He really did look like Hector.
Eliwood furtively glanced around, and when he was certain he wasn't being watched, he stepped out. "Yeah, what did you want, Lyn? You do know this isn't a good time to talk to me…"
"Yeah, with the death of Ninian and all. Nils has been an emotional wreck. He didn't even taunt Hector when that oaf tripped and fell in the mud." Lyn shook her head sadly. "But, come on! Army morale has hit a new low since you've been like this. Come and walk with me. It'll cheer up the troops."
Eliwood let out a sigh. "Okay, sure. But no funny stuff, okay?"
"Scout's honor."
"Scout's honor? What the hell is that?"
"I don't know. Heard it from Chris. Let's go, Eliwood."
"Oh, yeah. Of course." Eliwood took her hand and she led him back towards the main part of the camp.
"Matthew? What are you doing with my stuff?"
Matthew froze. He hadn't sensed anyone approaching, and when he looked back, there stood Hector, with a frighteningly calm expression on his face.
"Um…My lord. I was just…Rearranging the furniture!" Matthew winced when he heard himself speak. Even Hector had to know that there was no furniture in the tent.
"Oh, very well. Carry on." Hector walked off, while Matthew blinked in astonishment. He definitely didn't think that excuse would work, but since he was off the hook, he decided to make a break for it.
"Hey, wait a minute…I don't have any furniture!" Hector spun around, and saw Matthew dashing away. "MATTHEW!" Hector chased after Matthew, yelling at the thief to stop. Matthew was, incidentally, smart enough to decide that stopping meant certain death, so he didn't stop. He dashed off through the camp, nearly running into Guy.
"Hey! Watch where you're going! I almost sliced your head off!" Guy yelled at Matthew's retreating figure, that is, until he got bowled over by Hector.
"Oh, Matthew! Want in on the game?" Farina looked up from her cards to see Matthew running for his life.
"Sorry! Not now!" Matthew dashed off again, Hector still in pursuit.
"Eh, oh well. Guess that just means I'll have to play with these suckers…Uh, I mean, skilled opponents." Farina quickly covered her mistake, but judging by the glares she was receiving, it didn't work.
"Dratted humidity." An old man carrying a bunch of weapons and books groaned. "Young 'uns these days. Don't know when they're better off." He groaned and rubbed his back. "Please get us these weapons, Archsage Athos. Please kill everyone for us Archsage Athos. Ooops, I wet my pants, Archsage Athos." Technically, Athos was being biased, since no one had said that last thing. But then, the Archsage was the Archsage, and with 5 legendary weapons at his disposal, I doubt that anyone would've argued that point.
He stomped into camp, looking around at the games and relative chaos going around. He grumbled again. "Look at these people. They don't show any respect for their elders. Back in my day, if a person as important as I am walked into my hometown, there would already be throngs of people to meet him." He trudged through the camp, and spotted Eliwood walking with Lyn.
"Eliwood! Lyn! Where's that oaf, Hector!"
"Archsage?" Eliwood and Lyn looked at the new arrival. And at his yard-long beard.
"No, it's the tooth fairy. I've come to knock out your teeth." Athos grumbled to himself as he walked up to them, holding the weapons. "Here, I got you the weapons. Now let me sleep. It was a long journey from Nabata."
"Couldn't you have just…warped here?" Lyn scratched her head.
"Right…Uh, mind your own business!"
"Of course, Archsage. So, what are these weapons?" Eliwood pointed at the sack.
"They're toothpicks specially made for cleaning dentures."
"Really! Wow, I never knew you could do that! Hey, wait…" Eliwood looked excitingly at the bag, but then remember another bad experience with a bag. "Wait…That's not an Amazing Bag on Wonderment, is it?" (A.N.: From an upcoming chapter of Fire Emblem Halloween. You'll see.)
"Wha? What are you talking about, son! I've got you those legendary weapons you were whining about!" Athos tipped the bag over, and nearly impaled his foot with Durandal. "Holy footsnappers!"
Yeah, so, Athos gave them the weapons, they did all this stuff, and killed Nergal-
Chris: What the hell are you doing!
I'm just paraphrasing.
Chris: Don't paraphrase! Get on with the story!
Fine, fine. Sheesh.
After Athos finished explaining what the weapons were, he walked under a tree and immediately fell asleep.
"I guess we won't be counting on his help. Hmm…Hey Merlinus!" Hector shouted for the merchant. A portly, blue-haired merchant walked through the crowd of people, occasionally stumbling over feet, weapons, staves, and in one case, somebody's golf club.
"Right here, Lord Hector!"
"Good work, my man!" Hector slapped Merlinus heartily on the back. "We're gonna need you to replace Rip Van Winkle over there."
"B-But, my lord…I cannot fight!"
"You can now!" Hector shoved a lance into Merlinus' hands. "Oh, and don't forget to being your wagon!"
"Oh dear…" Merlinus walked off, mumbling to himself. Luckily the lance was blunt, or else half of the members would be nursing wounds, some of them in very embarrassing places.
After another hour of good-natured (hopefully) cursing and insults, the army finally got ready to enter Dragon's Gate.
"Okay, men! This-"
"Don't forget us women! Don't be sexist!" Farina called from the background, smirking.
"Fine! This is it, my friends! We've-"
"Who said we're your friends?" Erk muttered near the front, still angry for the practical jokes played on him.
"We already said we were sorry, Erk. There's no point in holding a grudge. Now, let me get to my speech."
"You made a speech!" Someone in the middle area shouted and soon everyone was laughing.
"Sigh…And people wonder why my army is named Hector's Hecklers." Hector shook his head. "Okay, screw this! Let's just go in."
"Yay!"
And with that, Hector's Hecklers charged into Dragon's Gate, where no one was guaranteed to return alive…
And inside, they met the mastermind. Nergal, whose evil could only be cleansed by his death. He was past redemption, and darkness surrounded him like a wraith. But then Merlinus brought in a torch and everyone realized that he was just dirty.
"Aw man, why'd you guys come now? I'm kinda busy!"
"Um…Nergal? We're here to kill you?" Hector lowered his axe, this totally not being what he had expected.
"Oh yeah! That!" Nergal warped away to another room far away. "Before you can kill me, you must defeat my obstacles! Now…Prepare…For the Battle of the Bands!" He pulled a rope and a nearby room opened, showing various Black Fang people.
"I thought we killed you guys." Hector pointed at Jerme, who just sneered at him.
"MWAHAHAHAHA! Those were just decoys you killed! You must defeat my band by playing better music!" Nergal laughed evilly, and then settled back to listen. Nergal's Band, which will now be known as…Uh, Nergal's Band, began playing the rousing tune named Softly with Grace (Have you noticed that the music is nothing like the name?).
"My band! Hop to it!" Eliwood pointed at the members of his band, who sighed and began unpacking their instruments.
When Eliwood's Band finally set themselves up, they played Eliwood's Theme. Eliwood himself smiled satisfactorily, and nodded in tune with the music. The tactician, a young boy named Chris, stepped up.
"Uh, what other songs didja teach them?"
"Do they need to know any other songs?"
"Right…" Chris walked off, covering his eyes with his hand and shaking his head. He promptly walked into a wall and started nursing a hurt nose.
After a couple of hours passed, it still didn't seem like there was going to be any victory in sight. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, if you want to see it from Nergal's point of view, Karel finally snapped and began stabbing people with his violin bow. Yes, the bow. As in that little wooden stick that helps you play the violin. Screams of agony resounded through the building.
"My eye! It's bleeeeeeeding! No, wait, that's ketchup. But it still hurts!"
"He sliced off one of my fingers! Ouch!"
"Argh! He's killed me! Look, I'm dying!"
"Dude, he didn't even touch you."
"Oh…Yahoo! Sucks for you guys!"
Ahem, anyway, after a couple of minutes, all the members of Nergal's Band had fled, and only Eliwood's Band was left. Nergal looked shocked.
"You guys cheated!"
"Nope, we just played better than you!" Eliwood gave a smug grin.
"Grrrr….Go Dancing Morphs!" Nergal pulled another rope, and our pranced, you got it, dancing morphs. They surrounded the entrance and started dancing.
"Come on, troops! The only thing we can do is hum 'West Side Story' and have a dance fight!" After he said that, almost everyone in Hector's Hecklers got ready for the dance fight. If you are wondering, a dance fight is just two teams of dancers…dancing. Yeah, and glaring at everyone too.
Sain, Nino, and Nils found a DJ booth and they rushed towards it. Sain donned some sunglasses and began stacking various Fire Emblem tracks. As for Nino and Nils…They were having fun moving the discs back and forth. Ah, the energy of youth…But I digress.
Both of the teams took their respective sides in the giant building, and when Sain started the music, they all started dancing.
Marcus, Wallace, Renault, Vaida, and Oswin were doing the disco, going back into the days of their youth where disco dancing was still popular. And not a dance for old people…Like them. Kent, being the original and creative guy he was, started to do the robot. Of course, no one knew what a robot was like, but they trusted his judgment.
Karla, Rath, and Guy, however, with their wider range of expertise, were breakdancing. Because, as everyone knows, you need a plainsman's skill in order to do perfect breakdancing. And who could forget that brown-haired archer Wil? Certainly not me. And definitely not when he was moonwalking across the building. And dancing like Micheal Jackson. But it's the moonwalking that shone through. Even though people say it's hard, Wil was able to do it as though he was born to moonwalk.
Lyn and Hawkeye were doing a ceremonial Indian dance. While no one knows where they picked it up from, everyone believed that they were the best. Especially Sain. Since, you know, he's like that. The axe users, namely Dart, Bartre, Hector, Dorcas, and Geitz were river dancing! And singing Pirates of the Caribbean too. Oh those crazy pirates. And as for Merlinus, well, he couldn't dance, so he was selling dance shoes in the corner.
And as for those conservative, older people, they had the good ol' Macarena by their side. Well, Harken, Isadora, Louise, and Pent were doing the Macarena. Maybe they didn't have any other dances they knew. And as for Matthew and Legault, they were doing what they called the "thieving dance". Which consisted of them stealing various items from the opposing morphs. Yeah, it wasn't much different from regular stealing.
And as for some of the others, they had those classical dances….You know, like the waltz. Or something like that. So, at the moment, Eliwood was dancing with Fiora, Erk was dancing with Florina, Lowen with Serra (unfortunately for him), Canas with Farina, and Heath with Rebecca. However, Priscilla didn't have a partner, but she was able to con the tactician into dancing, even though he didn't know jack about it. So Chris continued stumbling around, trying very hard not to bump into anyone or step on their feet. Which was very, very hard.
Outside of everyone else, Raven, Jaffar, Karel, and Lucius stood by themselves. Lucius because he wasn't one for dancing, Raven because he never liked dancing and sucked at it anyway, Karel because…He's Karel, and finally Jaffar, for the same reason.
"So…What do you guys want to do?"
"Hmm…Let's kill the morphs. I'm bored, and I need more blood."
"….Okay."
"I'm not fond of senseless killing…But I suppose it can't be helped."
With that, the four plunged into the enemy morphs, stabbing, slashing, and in any way killing them. Eliwood noticed the distinct lack of morphs as he looked up from his dancing and gave a cheer.
"Sweet! We're winning! Keep dancing people!"
After a couple of more minutes, all of the dancing morphs had been eliminated. Nergal staggered backwards.
"Argh! You may have defeated my morphs, but I have a bigger surprise for you!" He reached for another rope in the main chamber.
"How many freakin ropes does he have!"
"I don't know. And why are his lines so…bad. You'd think villains would have better dialogue."
"Shut up!" Nergal trembled in anger. He pointed a finger at Hector's Hecklers. "Go get them! SALESMEN ATTACK!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Suddenly, the Dragon's Gate morphed into a dreaded sight. The dreaded sight was one of those local wholesale stores; named Elibe-Mart. Members of the army looked around nervously, awaiting some sort of attack. Then, it came to them.
"We've got to get to the main office! That's where Nergal should be hiding!" The army ran towards the office, which was located behind numerous aisles and racks. But when Hector confirmed the charge, salesmen of every age and gender suddenly appeared, and began rattling various advertisements to them.
"I'm! Just! Looking!" Eliwood trudged forward, held back by salesmen persuading him to buy some Steel Blades. Soon, everyone found themselves stuck in the same sort of predicament.
"Must…Resist…Sale!" Wil shut his eyes, trying to block out the '50 off!' and 'Buy one, get one free!' signs.
"Come on Wil! We can make it!" Rebecca was beside her friend, also trying to resist the alluring call of bargains. However, she suddenly felt his presence ripped away, and when she opened her eyes, she saw him standing in line, holding a thousand-pack of arrows. "NOOO! Wil!"
"Go on! Save yourself! It's too late for me!" Wil bravely waved Rebecca on, clutching his box of arrows.
Hector, being the person he is, was destroying various packages with his axes. "Come on! Who need a twelve-pack of axes?" The moment he said that, however, the axe he was holding shattered in his hands. Looking around, he picked up a box and went to stand in line. "Touché, Elibe-Mart…"
"Priscilla! Don't!" Matthew was struggling to hold her back from a six-pack of Heal staves. Priscilla was trying to resist as well, but the idea of saving money kept tugging her.
"It's…60...percent…off! I need to buy it!" Priscilla struggled against Matthew's grip. The blond thief let out a small sigh and lightly smacked Priscilla on the head. The red-haired girl shook her head, temporarily safe from the false deals of the packaging.
After a couple of hours, everyone who had survived the onslaught was assembled out of the doorway. Many of their comrades had been taken in by the deals and bargains. In fact, only Eliwood, Chris, Farina, Matthew, Priscilla, and Rebecca were still there. Eliwood had resisted because…I don't know, he's Eliwood! What'd you expect? Probably too stupid to realize he could have saved money. Chris was only able to get through because he didn't have enough money to buy anything, bargain or not. Farina, because she didn't want to spend any of her money. Matthew didn't bother buying anything since he reasoned that he could probably just steal them all later and he stopped Priscilla from giving in to the urge for shopping. Rebecca was spurred on by Wil's brave sacrifice, and had shot at any salesmen going her way. They soon learned to give her a wide berth.
Eliwood knocked the door open, and inside sat Nergal. "We've finally found you, Nergal!"
"Oh, you finally got here." Nergal placed an ordinary mirror on a wall of the room. "Now look!"
"AHHHHHHHHHH! MONSTER! KILL IT!" Eliwood smashed the mirror with his sword, panting.
"Sigh…I just said to look in it, not destroy it!" Nergal keyed the intercom on. "Cleanup in main office! Oh, and send in another mirror!" As he waited for the workers to do that, he folded his hands and looked at them from the desk. "So, what do you want? Jobs?"
"We've come to kill you, you blackheart!"
"Oh, that wounds me!" Nergal pantomimed getting stabbed. Then he stopped when a worker finally finished fixing up the shattered glass. Nergal placed the new mirror on the wall. "Okay, now look at it! Don't smash it!"
"Hmph! Fine!" Eliwood turned and looked at the mirror. The others in the office looked at the mirror too.
"Um…What are we supposed to see?" Farina poked Matthew, who shrugged.
"That is the face of someone who shops at Elibe-Mart!" Nergal laughed triumphantly.
"NOOOOOOO!" Eliwood covered his eyes. "It's horrible! Disgusting!"
"MWAHAHAHAHA! Feel my power!"
"Forget it! We've come to kill you!" Rebecca drew her bow and pointed an arrow at Nergal.
"Kill me, eh? You forget! I own Elibe-Mart! I AM ELIBE-MART! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" With that said, Nergal disappeared again. And with it, the illusion of Elibe-Mart disappeared, and the army found themselves back in Dragon's Gate. And three fire dragons, looking very angry, were facing them.
"Aw shit…"
Chris: Whoo. There you go. The first weird chapter of the sequel to Farina's Diary. Congratulate me. Now I must go update my other fics.