This episode brought to you by AngelAsh, who made Jess skip school to hang out. And by Twix and Poppycock Just the Nuts fancy cashews.
Jess: (wiggling fingers to get blood back) That was a freakin long name.
AngelAsh: I didn't name 'em. I just like eatin' 'em.
Tasuki: Can we get back to the show? By the way; the old hag's after you to get that tape back.
AngelAsh: Hag?
Jess: Taiitsu-kun, no da?
Chichiri: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (Takes Jess into his arms and dips her) My soul mate, no da.
Jess: (sighs happily) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
AngelAsh and Tasuki: (sweatdrop)
Tasuki: He's easily won over.
Jess: (waves at AngelAsh) Chichiri and I have to go... have a... conference. Yeah, conference... that's it... In the small office.
AngelAsh: You mean the closet where we stuff our bishounen for later?
Jess: Yeah! That's the one. Ja!
AngelAsh: (sweatdrop) But... I don't know Fushigi Yuugi that well.
Jess: (from off screen as Chichiri drags her to the closet) You'll be fine...................
AngelAsh: (sobbing) Inuyasha!
Kouji: (wanders over to Ash and gives her a Wookiee hug) Worrrrrrrrrrrwar gurrrthph.
AngelAsh: (wiping Wookiee spit from her face) Thanks Kouji. It'll get better.
Inuyasha: AngelAsh! You call– (to Kouji) Hey! Get your paws off her!
Kouji: (growling) Wurg hurg narg lurg.
Inuyasha: I don't speak Wookiee you freak!
Happy little subtitles appear for Inuyasha to read: "You called her 'hentai' last time, and now you want her back?"
Inuyasha: Thanks Keisuke!
Keisuke: (from off camera) No prob!
Inuyasha: (grabbing Ash away from Kouji) My author! No touchie!
Tasuki: (diving onto Kouji before he can attack the hanyou) Alright! Alright! Back to the story! Kouji get your ass to the ship now! We've to two more chapters to do and then we can move on to Empire.
Kouji: (snarls and growls as he stomps off to the Millennium Falcon)
Inuyasha: What did he say?
AngelAsh: (ears burning) You don't wanna know...
Tamahome: Miaka radar! We gotta go! (Bangs head on nearest metal object)
Tasuki: Whoa. We'd better go before Obake-chan has an aneurysm.
A New Parody (part three)
WE JOIN THE STORY AS THE MILLENNIUM FALCON FLIES TOWARD THE PLANET OF ALDERAAN. TO THEIR HORROR, IT'S BEEN TURNED INTO A GATED COMMUNITY
Tasuki: Damn. That Vader person sure moves fast.
Tamahome: (nursing his head) I wonder who his realtor is.
Seiryuu: (appears in a sudden flash of blue light and hands Tamahome a card) Seiryuu-seikun, realtor extrodinare. Call me if you want to invade anything from your next door neighbor to a small star system.
Tamahome: (stunned into silence) ...
Tasuki: Get the hell off my ship! I'm telling Suzaku.
Seiryuu: (shoots the bandit a pissy look) You don't want to mess with me. (Disappears in another blue flash)
Tamahome: Where's Obi-wan? Doesn't he usually sense these kinds of things?
Tasuki: (uncomfortably) He's... uh... conversing with the force.
Tamahome: The force of what?
Tasuki: I ain't teaching you about the birds and bees!
Tamahome: He's with nature? I thought you said he was with the force.
Tasuki: Ah fer cryin out loud! Just drop it, 'kay?
Tamahome: (dejectedly) Hai...
Tasuki: We'll just make a quick pit stop at the little moon over there...
Chichiri: (face covered in lipstick) That's no moon, no da. It's a space station.
Everyone: (faceplants)
Tasuki: Where the hell did you come from?
Tamahome: You're back Obi-wan. Have you finished with the birds and the bees?
Chichiri: (whacks Tamahome on the back of the head) Show some respect, no da!
Tasuki and Kouji: (snickering in the front of the ship)
Tamahome: (wailing) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! What'd I say??
Tasuki: (hurrying to fill the silence before he gets tattled on) Er, what'd ya mean that's not a moon?
Chichiri: Just shut and land the ship, no da.
THE MILLENNUIM FLACON ALONG WITH ALL IT'S PASSENGERS, GETS PULLED, ER LANDED, IN THE MAIN DOCKING BAY OF THE DEATH STAR. WHILE HAN AND CHEWIE STRUGGLE TO DE-TAPE THE DROIDS FROM THE WALL, OBI-WAN AND LUKE READ A SMALL SIGN ON THE GUARD ROOM DOOR.
Chichiri: (reading) Out to lunch. Please refrain from invading until we return. Delivery hours: 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. Sincerely, the Stormtroopers.
Tamahome: (sweatdrop) Not too bright, ne?
Tasuki: (reads the sign and sweatdrops) Shall we go in?
Kouji: Harrrg urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrng wer wer thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeep. (Trans: We're here to deliver an ass whoopin and it's 1:15. We're within the time limit)
Tasuki: It says 'out to lunch'. There's no one to whoop.
HAN AND CHEWIE ENGAGE IN A FIST FIGHT WHILE OBI-WAN, LUKE, AND THE DROIDS ENTER THE GUARD ROOM. OBI-WAN PRESSES A FEW BUTTONS ON THE COMPUTER AND A MAP APPEARS.
Tamahome: (reading the map) You are here. Princess here. Thing to blow up here. Guards to avoid here. Trash compactor here. Bathrooms and restaurants are located on every level for your convenience. Geez, they sure are helpful.
Chichiri: R2, please make a copy of this map, no da.
Mitsukake: (takes out a quill and scroll and starts sketching)
Chiriko: I can just memorize it, you know. I am fluent in over fifty thousand–
Mitsukake: Save it kid. No one cares.
Chiriko: (sobs)
Chichiri: (to Tamahome, Tasuki, and Kouji, the latter two have stopped fighting) You go get the princess, no da. I'll blow up the tractor beam.
Tasuki: (wiping blood off his split lip) What's a tractor beam, and why do you have to blow it up? And why the hell do you get to blow things up?!
Chichiri: No time to explain, no da. I feel a disturbance in the Force, no da.
Tamahome: (not listening, and already running off to save Miaka) MIAKA! I'M COMING!
Tasuki: Her name's Leia you ass, now get back here. (Rolls eyes when Tama doesn't stop and turns to Kouji) We'd better go keep him out of trouble.
Kouji: Hur. (Trans: Yup. He's bound to get himself into trouble if we don't keep an eye on him. Besides that, they'll probably just sit there suckin face while we're left to fight the Stormtroopers, guns a blazin, smoke filling the air... No makeout session for us...)
Tasuki: (giving Kouji a strange look) You said all that?
Kouji: (shakes his head no)
AngelAsh: (momentairly stops rubbing Inuyasha's ears) Keiksuke you'd better quit that! You're not there to add on.
Jess: (typing madly at the subtitle keyboard) I tied Keisuke up. It's all me! Bwahahaha!
Inuyasha: (throwing Ash a frightened look) Remind me never to interrupt her makeout sessions, ne?
AngelAsh: Yeah! She gets vindictive. (Yelling to Jess) You are not helping things progress!
Jess: Bite me!
Chichiri: (grinning wickedly) That's my job, no da.
Everyone: (facefaults)
AngelAsh and Inuyasha: TMI (trans: too much information)
THE SCENE CHANGES TO DARTH VADER AND PRINCESS LEIA. THE DARK LORD HAS THE HAPLESS PRINCESS TIED UP AND WATCHING TIME SHARE INFOMERCIALS 24/7.
Miaka: Now can I get the one with the Jetta tub, but not the atrium, or is it a non-negotiable package?
Vader: (trying not to strangle the princess) For the last time... Just the ones you see. We don't do customization.
Miaka: I really wish you could do the carpeting the color of Tamahome's eyes.
Vader: (throwing brochures on the ground and reaching for his lightsaber) That tears it....
VARIOUS STORMTROOPERS RESTRAIN THE DARK LORD BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING HE'LL REGRET
Vader: I wish those smugglers would get here and take her off my hands...
Miaka: Is lunch served yet? The brochure said there'd be a lunch.
Vader: (throws hands up in the air) Gah! (and stomps out)
MEANWHILE, LUKE IS STILL RUNNING LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL IN THE DIRECTION THAT HIS MIAKA RADAR IS TELLING HIM THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE LIES. HAN AND CHEWBACCA ARE HARD PRESSED TO KEEP UP WITH LUKE (Jess wonders what happened to Tasuki's seishi speed).
Tasuki: Damnit! Slow down Tama... er, Luke! Yer gonna run into trouble if you don't calm down.
HAN'S PROPHETIC WORDS COME TRUE AS AROUND THE NEXT CORNER THEY THREESOME RUNS INTO A TROUPE OF STORMTROOPERS
Tasuki: Ah, shit. I hate it when I'm right.
THE TRIO PULL OUT THEIR WEAPONS AND BEGIN TO FIRE INTO THE GROUP OF STORMTROOPERS
Tasuki: (SD and ready to bite things) There's nothing happening!
Keisuke: (from off camera) I'll put the blaster bolts in in editing. Just fake it for now.
Tasuki: How do we know who we hit?!
Keisuke: Start firing again.
Tasuki: (with a why-the-hell-not look on his face) Why the hell not?
Keisuke: Bang! Bang! (as Tasuki fires)
TWO STORMTROOPERS FLY OFF THEIR FEET AND 'DIE'
Tasuki: (looking at his blaster) Cool!
Tamahome: (sarcastically) Bang, bang? You have got to be kidding me. (Oni flares on Tama's forehead and he goes diving into the group of Stormtroopers, sending the armored men flying in every direction with kicks and punches)
BEFORE OUR HEROS CAN PROGRESS IN THEIR JOURNEY, TWO STORMTROOPERS CARRY A TRUSSED LEIA AND DROP HER AT THE TRIO'S FEET.
Stormtrooper #1: Take her. She's driving us bonkers and the cook says there's no more food.
Miaka: (looking indignantly) I didn't eat everything! (burp) They had leeks. I left the leeks.
Stormtrooper #2: (ripping helmet off to reveal Kyou Sohma) Leeks! Damn! I quit now!
Tasuki: Pissy little neko, ne?
Kyou: (storms off muttering as he throws Stormtrooper armor left and right)
Kouji: Werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr harg iirg ungh. (trans: Well that was anticlimactic.)
Tasuki: Now we just have to get back to the ship.
Tamahome: I wonder where Obi-wan is.
Miaka: (perking up) Onigiri?
Tamahome: No! Obi-wan.
Inuyasha: (off camera giving Ash a back rub) I'm so glad she's not in my series...
SCENE PANS TO OBI-WAN WHO IS IN THE CONTROL ROOM, MAKING OUT WITH JESS
AngelAsh: JESS!!!!!!
Jess: (covering her ears) Not so loud. (gives a startled look to Ash) Oh! Yes. Your mike is working fine. (sneaks off camera, but not before giving Chichiri a parting kiss)
AngelAsh: (to Inuyasha) And you called me hentai...
CAMERA PANS BACK TO THE PEOPLE, NOW ON BOARD THE MILLENNIUM FALCON. SHOCK AND DISGUST REGISTER ON THEIR FACES (EXCEPT FOR LUKE AND LEIA WHO ARE... WELL WE WON'T GO THERE...)
Tasuki: Twincest. Eew!
Tamahome: Eh?
Tasuki: Oh nothing. Go back to what you were doing.
Chichiri: (staggers onto the ship, punch drunk with love) We can go now, no da.
Tasuki: Ain't you supposed to be dead?
Chichiri: Jess locked Vader in the closet so I could get away, no da.
AngelAsh: (indignant) Jess! Stop playing with the script. You're worse than Keisuke!
Jess: No one is knocking off my man. (evil glare)
AngelAsh: Fine! You get to rewrite the scripts for the second and third movies.
Jess: (happily) Hai!
AngelAsh: AND, you can tell Stephen why his movies are so messed up.
Jess: Creative liscense... ?
AngelAsh: (throwing hands up in the air) I give up. Just finish the chapter already.
THE MILLENNIUM FALCON GRACEFULLY SOARS AWAY TOWARD THE PLANET YAVIN WITH THE DEATH STAR IN HOT PURSUIT WITH VADER'S CURSES ECHOING THROUGH THE HALLS OF THE BATTLE STATION.
For all those of you who review, you will receive a lifetime supply of Pez with Constellation Wars dispensers. Note: the Wookiee will be blue.