Disclaimer: We own nothing! Everything is borrowed! Except our own twisted and warped imaginations, of course...
Ash: And who else would claim our warped minds?
Jess: Certainly not mother...
Author's Mothers: Indeed!
WARNING: This episode is not brought to you by happy genki food. Rather, lack of sleep, hours of MXE watching, and a weekend with the nephews (both under 5), who have more energy than Ash could put up with. This chapter will most likely be rated a big fat R, for sexual innuendoes, Kenny's off color remarks, and the occasional smattered of swearing within... You have been warned...
Special: Interviews of cast and crew.
BEHIND THE FORCE: With your hosts, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Ramano.
Vic: Well, Kenny. This is a real treat. We've gone from hosting our own show to actually interviewing a cast of eliquent and well thought out characters from a very well thought out...
Kenny: Yeah, yeah. When do we get to see that 'Oola" chick? She was stacked!
Vic: KENNY! She is a well schooled actress! She deserves some respect and dignity. Not cat calls and mating calls.
Kenny: Tell that to her costume designer.
Vic: (in disgust) Lets give it over to the Captain.
CAMERA VIEW CHANGES TO THE CAPTAIN WHO IS GATHERED WITH THE CAST AND CREW IN THE STUDIO AREA
Captain: Thanks Vic. Question; how many of you think that the film industry is a serious and dignified profession? All those in favor, raise your hand.
Everyone: (everyone's hand shoots into the air) HAI!
Captain: Well, your all wrong. The film industry is filled with skanky pimps, and is just another way of filling up the hours of the day by people who can't get a real job. (spots Miaka and moves towards her with his spiffy cane) You, young lady. You're an actress, right? Tell me a little about yourself.
Miaka: HAI! I was once a student failing miserably in school. Acting saved my life!
Captain: I see! And how did it do that?
Miaka: Well, I was approached by this librarian one day...
Yui: Baka. That is NOT how it happened!
Captain: Oh! I see we have another drama queen in the audience. What's your story?
Yui: (deciding to ignore the 'drama queen comment' for the moment and sick her celestial warriors on him later) The twit fell into a book and stole my part.
Miaka: DID NOT!
Yui: DID TOO!
CAT FIGHT ENSUES AND ALL THE MEN LOOK ON APPRECIATIVELY, EXCPET FOR TOMO AND NURIKO WHO ARE BOTH BUSY PRIMPING AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION
Captain: (under breath) Nice panty shots... (clears throat) LETS GO! (blows whistle and waves big stick. Entire cast ans crew start running rampant. To where... we don't know.)
Vic: And their off, Ken. It looks like the seishi of Suzaku are in the lead, but no! Wait! I see a few of the Seiryuu are playing dirty! Tomo has just tackled Tamahome and is... oh my-!
Kenny: Eww! Guy on guy is just nasty! I wanna see more chicks fighting.
Vic: Indeed! Take us through the action here Kenny...
Kenny: Well Vic, as you can see, Tomo is hell bent on leather to get a kiss, and Tamahome just isn't putting out.
Vic: Insightful as always, Kenny, but I wasn't talking about that...
Kenny: Oh.
Vic: (once again, in disgust) Lets go to Guy. (note, still pronounced 'GEEEE!' Thank you.)
CAMERA CHANGES TO GUY WHO IS STANDING WITH KOUJI
Guy: (in a overly femmy and outrageous French accent) Guy here! I'm with the talented and very 'blue' Kouji, who played the part of the de Wookiee, Chewbacca. You der, tell Guy what your favorite part was of dis film.
Kouji: (still in character and costume, surprisingly enough) Wrrr raar, grr reee sshshhlllurp larr grrrr nnnee grap! (Trans: All the mouthwash I could gargle, and the random make out moments with Ash)
Guy: Ooh! Make out! Guy like!
Kouji: (bearing teeth and towering over Guy menacingly) GGGGRRRRRROOOOAAR! SNARL SNARL GURGLE ROAR! (Trans: Back off! I'm already beatin off that damn hanyou as it is!)
Guy: (startled and ready to wet pants) Er, back to you Skipper!
CAMERA GOES BACK TO THE CAPTAIN WHO IS WITH TAMAHOME
Captain: It's time for Twisted Love Triangles. So, tell us Tamahome, how does it feel to have your best friend stealing your girlfriend.
Tamahome: What are you talking about?
Captain: Well, you are playing the part of Luke Skywalker, right?
Tamahome: Yes.
Captain: And that rambunctious, red-haired, tessen wielding bandit is palying Han Solo?
Tamahome: (getting bored) Riiiiiiiiiiight.
Captain: And that doughnut scarfing, glutenous, Connabon haired girl is Princess Leia, right?
Tamahome: (really bored) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...
Captain: Well, Luke and Leia are brother and sister.
Tamahome: (major meltdown mode) WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Tasuki: (gleefully dancing in the background) Twincest! Twincest!
Vic: (from off camera) Uh, Captain... I don't think that little fact gets revealed until the last movie...
Kenny: (also from off camera) I did that once.
Vic: (still off camera) Did what?
Kenny: (you guessed it, still off camera) Once, at this party, I mistook my sister...
Vic: (hurriedly) Leave it alone Ken!
Captain: (leaves Tamahome quivering and sobbing on the ground and moves over to talk to Tasuki) So, Tasuki, what's your take on this little triangle?
Tasuki: I am SOOOOOOOOOOO pumped! Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to have a shot at Miaka?
Captain: But I thought you hated women...
Tasuki: I do!
Captain: But isn't Miaka a woman?
Tasuki: Well, yeah...
Captain: Ergo, wouldn't you hate Miaka?
Tasuki: Now hang on just one damn minute. Did the little ghost put you up to this? He's trying to talk me out of my moment of glory isn't he?
Captain: (clearing throat uncomfortably) Speaking of glory, let's go over to Glory Holes, where Miaka and Yui are trying to get past Skanky, through the glory holes, and to the Genbu Shinzahou.
THE CAMERA GIVES AN ARIEL VIEW OF THE COURSE. THERE ARE FOUR WALLS, EACH WITH FOUR DOORS, ONLY ONE OF WHICH CAN BE PENETRATED
Vic: Today, Miaka, Yui, and our honorary Bobaganoosh, Steveo, must get through the correct doors, over the fluid of death, and past Skanky to the Shinzahou.
CAMERA PANS DOWN TO CAPTAIN WHO IS WITH THE CONTESTANTS AT THE START. MIAKA LOOKS READY TO GO WITH A SERIOUSLY INTENSE LOOK ON HER FACE. YUI LOOKS BORED. STEVEO LOOKS HARRIED KNOWING THAT HE WILL MOST LIKELY BE GETTING ALL THE PUNISHMENT IN THIS ROUND
Captain: (blows whistle and motions with cane) Get it on!
Vic: Our contestants are off. Steveo is to the first door and... oooh! It's the wrong one!
STEVEO MAKES BIG THUD NOISE AS HE BOUNCES OFF THE HARD WOODEN DOOR AND SITS ON THE GROUND LOOKING DAZED. MEANWHILE, MIAKA HAS TORPEDOED HER WAY THROUGH ONE OF THE OTHER SOLID DOORS
Vic: Oh my gosh Kenny! Miaka has just made her own hole.
Kenny: Busted that one right open.
Vic: (reprovingly) Kenny...
YUI FINDS THE RIGHT PAPER DOOR AND HAULS BUTT AFTER MIAKA, WHO HAS GOTTEN THROUGH A PAPER DOOR, BUT IS CAUGHT IN THE NET ON THE OTHER SIDE. YUI GOES FOR ANOTHER DOOR AND ALSO GETS STUCK IN A NET. STEVEO GOES THROUGH THE RIGHT DOOR AND INTO A LARGE PUDDLE
Vic: Oh, looks like Babaganoosh is floundering in the fluid.
Kenny: Right you are Vic.
Vic: Kenny, that's MY line!
Kenny: Right you are Vic.
Vic: Damn it Kenny! Just get to the fluid.
Kenny: Today's fluid is brought to you courtesy of the Sith Lord's Sewage and Sausage Plant. It's fresh from the grinder...
Authors: (poke heads out of the closet and hang heads in shame) Oh we've sunk so low... (go back to make out sessions)
Vic: Back to the action. Miaka and Yui have gotten themselves untangled from their nets and are on their way through Steveo's door. And... oh! They're both down in the fluid. Take us through it Ken.
CAMERA SHOWS A SLOW MOTION OF MIAKA DASHING THROUGH THE DOOR AND MAKING A SPECTACULAR SPLASH INTO THE FLUID. YUI LEAPS OVER MIAKA'S HEAD, BUT HER ANKLE IS SNAGGED BY THE GLUTTONOUS PRIESTESS OF SUZAKU
Kenny: Well right here, as you can see Vic, Miaka's skirt flies up and you can clearly see her Hello Kitty underwear.
Vic: Kenny... we're professionals. We don't report on underwear.
Kenny: Really? Cause in this shot you can clearly see Yui's red thong.
MOMENT OF SILENCE
Vic: Really? Rewind that again... I mean... KENNY! That's disgusting! Moving on.
Kenny: Now the two priestesses are rolling about in the muck. Boy, they're really getting into it.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. And it looks like Steveo Bobaganoosh is skirting his way around Skanky and on his way to the last Glory Hole.
Miaka and Yui: (their heads pop up in horror) WHAT!
Vic: And he's through! Steveo has reached the Genbu Shinzahou and is doing the Happy Little Wood Nymph Dance of Joy.
Kenny: Right you are Vic.
Vic: Knock it off Ken.
Miaka: What! I thought you said it was the Golden Doughnuts of Glazed Goodness as the end of the Glory Holes.
THE PRIESTESS OF SUZAKU'S EYES GO RED IN RAGE AND SHE FLIES AT SKANKY (an overgrown samurai in padded armor) AND PROCEEDS TO PUMMEL HIM
Vic: Good heavens, Ken! It looks like she's pummeling Skanky. And now Yui's getting in on the action.
Kenny: Yeah. Looks like a gang bang to me.
Vic: KENNY! There are children reading this!
Kenny: Nah. It's past their bed time.
Authors: (burst out of closet) That's it! You're not doing interviews. You're holding MXE games. Get with the program!
Vic: Fine. Kenny, you know what time it is.
Kenny: It's time for Kenny Blankenship's most painful eliminations of the day. At number ten, we have Tamahome getting tackled by Tomo the Homo. Oh, that doesn't go down smooth. At number nine we have, Captain breaking the news to Tamahome that he's been smacking on his sister.
PICTURE OF CAPTAIN FLYING THROUGH A WALL, COURTESY OF TAMAHOME'S ONI POWER
Kenny: At number eight we have, Kouji beating the snot out of Guy for tying to make a move on Ash when his back was turned. Number seven is Steveo Bobaganoosh who took a smack down and kept on going.
PICTURES OF STEVEO REPEATEDLY RUNNING INTO A WALL WITH LITTLE "AH!" NOISES PLAYED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...
Kenny: At number six, we have Miaka getting fish-netted as she flies through the glory hole. Ouch! Fishnet facial. Number five goes to Suboshi. It turns out that Darth Vader finally got his hands on the teen and beat him black and blue for passing him the wrong gas.
NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE OF VADER WAILING ON POOR SUBOSHI
Kenny: Number four goes to the Authors, who take a lickin' and keep on ticken'.
Inuyasha and Chichiri: (poke heads out of closet) Hey! Watch it hentai boy! (no da) (feh!)
Kenny: Number three goes to Tamahome, who got a nosebleed after seeing Yui's thong and was swiftly pummeled by Miaka.
Vic: We didn't see that.
Kenny: So... Number two goes to Yui and Miaia. For going down hard into the fluid and keeping us entertained all the way. And my number one most painful elimination of the day goes to... Skanky! For getting pummeled by two, not one but two, priestesses. Way to take one for the team Skank!
Vic: That was shameless.
Kenny: But entertaining.
Vic: (deep sigh) What do we always say?
Everyone: Don't... get... eliminated!
Authors: Vic! Kenny! You're fired!
Kenny: What a Trump.
Authors: (bow with foreheads touching ground) Gomen! Gomen! We know it was shameless, and in bad taste, but we couldn't resist. Incidentally, if you don't know what MXE is, check out SpikeTV dot com.