Chris: Here it is! The second chapter of the Ilian trilogy!
Farina: Trilogy? Is it gonna be like the Hitchhiker's Guide or something?
Chris: No! I mean it's actually going to be a trilogy!
Farina: Ohh….
Kiyoko-chan: Yay! I get more pocky points! And yeah, people are cheap in rock-paper-scissors…Stupid tiger claws. And yeah, it's good that I'm getting a lot...but it makes me weirded out for some reason.
Lords of swords and waffles: I'm glad you like the chapter. And thank you for taking care of the guy who reported me.
Nightmare: Yeah. Poor, poor Sain. Oh well. He gets freed later. And Farina's plan is….A secret. The others will get their own chapters later.
Eladard: Yeah, everyone thinks Farina is cheating.
Farina: I am not!
Suuuuure…Have fun with your plot bunny!
generic reviewer: I had a reference to pokemon there? Wow…I never knew that.
K-Gforever: Yep. It's just too bad his standing is too high.
narugurlee13: Thanks for the compliments, and I'm glad you liked the chapter.
Lack Thereof: It would be kind of sad to actually see someone use "Heart of the cards!" in a blackjack game. It'd be funny if that actually worked.
AppleBerry: Thanks for the compliment. I'll try my best!
Evergladelord: Don't worry. I will.
Mia: Liar.
Chapter 4: Plan? What Plan? Oh…That Plan.
"You know, I have this feeling that she forgot about us."
"Naw, ya think?" Sain turned to Eliwood, a disgusted expression on his face. "It's been at least a week and we haven't seen any sight of her! For these past days we've had to go through the whole Elibe-Mart 'brainwashing' training, cater to all of the senior employees, and act like complete retards!" The brown-haired cavalier threw up his hands in frustration. "When is she going to save us?"
Meanwhile…Back with Farina…
"Looks like I win again!" The pegasus knight smiled broadly and swept up her winnings. The rest of the players threw down their cards and grumbled angrily.
"I think I liked it better when you were gone."
"Aw, don't be like that! Come on, we're members of the Stormwings here! We should be prepared for setbacks!"
"I don't think losing all of our money counts as a military setback."
"Well, I'll grant you that. Don't worry. Once we can get in a game with the other pegasus wings, you guys will get your money back. You can count on it."
"Sure, sure. So, what have you been doing on your own? I mean, suddenly disappearing and placing your second-in-command in charge of the whole unit."
Farina winked and called for more beer for all of her soldiers. "You guys won't believe it."
"We don't need saving. Elibe-Mart will bring glory to us all." Kent muttered in a monotone voice, holding up a finger.
"Shut up, Kent! Snap out of it!" Sain smacked his friend on the back of his head. "I can't wait to see what's next."
"I'm glad to hear that." Suddenly, an employee appeared behind them, rubbing his hands in an evil-sort of way. With that evil cackling too. You know they're evil when they do that.
"Holy!" Sain jumped in the air, completely caught off-guard by the employee's entrance. "Great…What now?"
"It's time for you lackeys to get your first jobs."
"Perfect." Sain let out a long sigh and looked despairingly at the others. Eliwood just shrugged, Ninian nervously ran a hand through her hair, and Kent kept his serious expression.
"First of all…Kent."
"What is it?" Kent folded his arms, not exactly overjoyed at the fact that he'd have to start working.
"You will be assigned to…Marketing!"
"Isn't marketing the practice of lying to the customers so badly that they think your product is perfect?" Sain tapped his chin. "Yeah, that should be it."
"Ah, but in Elibe-Mart, we don't call it that. We prefer the term, convincing others to partake in the glory that is in our products through thoughtful and insightful debate. Now, hurry up Kent. Your training begins."
"Gah…This sucks." Kent trudged off to the sales department, and was whisked inside the building.
"Now, for Ninian."
"Yes?" Ninian looked up, worried that she'd get a crappy job as well.
"You will be in charge of customer service! It's a great honor!"
"You mean that she'll be trying to calm all of the angry retards that come up with pathetic and idiotic reasons for returns and exchanges. Such as the ever-popular, 'This ring doesn't fit around my neck!' or 'I bought a sword, but I'm proficient in lances! Can I exchange it even though there's a sign that clearly says, 'No refunds or exchanges!'?'" Sain, once again, delved through the corporate double talk to find the truth.
"Um…Yes. Exactly. Go on, Ninian. It's time for your basic training."
Ninian pouted and walked off, unhappy that she would be away from Eliwood (and Kent…Or not.).
"As for Eliwood…You will be in…Management!"
"NOT FAIR! How come Eliwood gets a job that perfectly suits him?"
"I resent that!" Eliwood folded his arms and glared at Sain. "I would not do well in management."
Sain muttered under his breath, "Yeah…You'd probably be too stupid."
"I HEARD THAT!"
"People, people! We don't want any fighting around here! Since Sain here has an objection…You will be in charge of Environment and Aesthetic appeal."
"I'm a janitor." Eliwood stared at the employee, who nodded.
"We prefer the term, environmental sanitizer, but janitor works just as well. I'm sure you know what to do. Here's your mop and pan." The employee pulled out the items from his back and handed them to Eliwood. The lord faked tripping, and smashed the mop against the employee's head, shattering the wooden handle.
Eliwood smiled sweetly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have tripped on an offending puddle of water. If you would so kindly get me another mop, I'll clean it up." And then, softly so no one could hear, "And smash the mop on your head again."
"Oh, here you go, Eliwood." The employee pulled out another mop, and Eliwood proceeded to mop the floor. "Now, on to you, Sain."
"Shit."
"Is that the proper attitude? Now, you're going to be a product manager."
"I'm a teamster. In other words, package hauler and big buff boy with brawn."
"Exactly." The employee wore a big grin.
Sain rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hm…There are going to be others right? Any…uh…Female product managers?"
The employee's smile widened even more. "Not exactly. Your co-workers are fat, hairy, slovenly men whose only hope for some action is to blindfold their date and hoping she's too stupid to notice. Oh, and they're also beer buddies."
Sain slapped his face and moaned. "Oh no…This can't get worse."
"Oh, but it can. Because every other day is the supermarket's Teamster Exercise regimen. Inside the pool. I'm slightly pitying you."
"OH GOD! KILL ME NOW!"
"I'm so sorry." The employee shoved Sain towards the teamster department while the cavalier tried desperately to claw away and run for his little life. Eliwood, who had just finished mopping, was busy rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
"ROFLMAO!"
"Dude, that's not even English." The employee raised an eyebrow at Eliwood. "Get back to work."
"Sigh…Yes, sir." Eliwood saluted and sadly walked off to another part of the supermarket that needed cleaning. Which meant that he was going to be walking across the whole supermarket.
In Sales Training, Kent was not a happy camper. Apparently, working in sales meant that he had to lie a lot. And we mean a lot. 'This is an infringement on my knightly code. Farina had better save us, or else I'm going to find some way to sneak out of here and kill her.' The orange-haired cavalier stared at the instructor, extremely bored.
"There are two truths in sales. There's the truth…" The teacher wore a big frown and slowly shook his head. "Or the truth!" The teacher brightened and gave a big smile. He pointed to an exhibit where there was a small magic blender. "What would you call this?"
"Small?" Kent answered without thinking.
"No…That's the truth…." The teacher frowned. "Instead of using the word small, use these…enlightening words instead!" He pointed to the blender. "It's compact and energy-efficient! It's in a convenient travel size! Perfect for those crowded homes with no space! And also, it comes in fifteen different nifty colors!"
"How exactly does being small effect energy usage and colors?" Kent stared skeptically at the blender. 'I still think it's freaking small.'
"Kent, Kent, Kent. You're thinking too much like an intelligent customer here. You cannot sell stuff if you can't sell the product! Believe your words and make it seem like they are true!" The teacher whipped out a very, very, moldy piece of meat. "I bet you I can sell this wonderful, nutritious, and lively piece of meat to one of you for one-thousand gold. In ten minutes, also."
"OOOH! I want it!" A student sitting next to Kent raised his hand, straining to get the attention of the teacher. Kent let out a big sigh and placed his hand over his face.
'Where the hell is Farina?'
"So I charge him twenty-thousand gold! And he pays me all of it! Not a single gold piece left out!" Farina laughed and slapped her hand on the table. "That Hector is such an idiot!" It was a couple of hours from when she first started telling her story, and Farina was slightly drunk. Farina was slightly better off than some others, though. Some of her comrades had already passed out and were sleeping on the floor.
"That…That's our leader! A drink to her!" One of the other pegasus knights raised her mug in salute before pitching face forward onto the table.
"Here here!" Farina raised her own glass and took a long, loooong drink. Her mind fuzzily remembered something. 'I was supposed to rescue some people…Right?' The pegasus commander looked dismally at her empty beer glass. "Another round for everyone!"
Cheers resounded through the bar.
"Now, customers will come up to you and ask you for refunds. No matter how pathetic, cute, handsome, or needy they may seem, you must say, 'NO!' to everyone." Ninian's teacher paced around the customer service building. "Also, you will probably double up with a check-out counter as well. No matter what people say, candy is not legal tender. Neither is silver, platinum, or bronze. Only gold pieces will do."
Ninian nodded. She had learned all this back in her homeland already, in the prep course for "Dragon's Guide for Exploring Elibe: Customs".
"Now! Ninian! You must say no to this…little kid!" The teacher called in a young boy who looked around five years old. His clothes were little more than rags, and his hair was extremely messy. The kid looked pleadingly at Ninian.
"P-Please miss…C-Can you please give me some money for food? I'm ever so hungry, and it's so cold outside."
Ninian's first impulse was to say yes, and shower gold coins on the child, but she remembered the training and restrained herself. Still, it took her a lot of power to look that innocent face in the eye, and say, "No."
"Good work, Ninian! You have passed the final exam!" The teacher clapped his hands merrily. "Now, go away, kid."
"B-But sir…" The kid turned his pleading eyes towards the employee.
"Aw, go run into a ditch." The employee picked up the kid and tossed him outside.
Ninian trembled with anger. 'Stupid employee…I'll show him! How dare he treat that kid like that? The moment I get, I'll dock that guy in the jaw. And then give some money to that poor, little kid. But where the hell is Farina?'
"I've got a pegasus in the stable!" Farina belted out a song a full volume, accompanied by the conscious members of the Stormwings.
"I've got my lance and gold!"
"Oooooh Oooooh…"
"My journey's just beginning!"
"Yeeaaah…"
"I'd better finish it before I get old!" Farina took a long pull from her ale mug and slammed it on the table. "I've got my winning poker hand!"
The bartender looked at them and sighed. He hadn't heard that song in a long time, but he didn't miss a minute of it. The man ruffled his own hair in frustration and sincerely wished that Farina would pass out.
'This is pure hell.' Sain trudged along the back of the Elibe-Mart, carrying huge packages that must have been filled with anvils. His thoughts turned towards what the employer had said. The guy wasn't that far off the mark. From what Sain had seen so far, the teamsters were fat guys who couldn't button their shirts because they guts were too big. Many of them already have protruding beer bellies, and Sain was trying his hardest to erase those images from his mind. Plus, he was also trying to avoid touching any of them. Sain shivered.
"Hey, it's the new guy!" One of the aforementioned teamsters pointed to Sain, who shuddered and quickly tried to hide somewhere.
"Uh…Uh…I've got work to do! Sorry!" Sain dashed off, carrying his package of anvils. He ran into Eliwood, who was cleaning up the back parking lot. "Having fun?"
"Yeah, cleaning floors is a blast. You can't even count the number of papers and trash that seem to appear out of nowhere. It's so exciting to clean a puddle with your trusty mop and finding another one a couple of minutes. Oh, I'm having a wonderful time." Eliwood grumbled sarcastically, vigorously scraping gum off of the wall.
"Glad to see it. Any idea where Farina is?"
"Stupid Farina. For all we know, she's out drinking and making an utter fool of herself."
"Kind of like you on Friday nights, huh?"
"Exactly."
"How many people did you offend at that last outing?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Be that way. I'm just making conversation while carrying this heavy package…Which apparently has no destination." Sain dropped the package on the floor...and on his foot. "OH F-CK!" Sain cursed loudly as he hopped on one foot, trying to soothe the pain in the other foot. Eliwood looked on, extremely amused.
"This beats work any day. Yep, I bet Farina is acting just like Sain right now."
"I…I just have to say what a great bunch of girls you guys are." Farina was standing on a table, wobbling slightly. "Without you people, we would never have become one of the best pegasus wings in all of Ilia!" She flung her arms out, including the one that held the beer mug. The alcoholic drink splashed all around her, landing on the table, the floor, her clothes, and on other people's faces.
"But we're gonna be the best! C-Cause….I say so! So…Let's keep fighting girls, cause I love you all!" The pegasus knight finally had her fill of beer, and toppled off of the table. The bartender breathed a sigh of relief and finally closed his bar, carrying the unconscious pegasus knights of the Stormwings to the beds that were kept just for situations like this.
"They are going to get such a hangover tomorrow….I think that alone should be worth watching."
Chris: Oooooh…It's the end of the new chapter. That says nothing about the plan. Cause, you know, Farina was drunk and playing games. And when you're drunk, you act funny. And don't remember certain things.